Juliana Breines Ph.D. In Love and War

... and 5 things to try instead.
Posted Mar 30, 2016 
 Monkey Business Images/ShutterstockWhen we face failure or disappointment, it’s easy to get down on ourselves—and to look for ways to feel better fast. Unfortunately, some of the strategies we adopt in the service of confidence-building can have unintended negative consequences. Here are 5 strategies you should approach with caution:
1. Black-and-white thinking
One popular way to correct negative thinking is to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, so that “I’m worthless” becomes “I’m wonderful.” But research suggests that exclusively positive self-statements tend to be ineffective for the very people who need them most. In two studies, low self-esteem participants who focused on how the statement “I’m a lovable person” was true for them felt worse about themselves than those who focused on how it was both true and untrue.
The researchers speculated that untempered positive self-statements might arouse contradictory thoughts in those who tend to hold negative self-views, whereas more balanced self-statements might be easier to accept. Balanced statements may also communicate that it’s okay to be imperfect—that one can be unlovable in some ways, while still lovable in others.
2. Inflated praise
Like overly positive self-statements, inflated praise can be misleading, and may even impair performance. In one set of studies, participants who received inaccurate positive feedback on a test spent less time preparing for a subsequent test and performed worse on it, compared to those who received accurate feedback. Those who received inflated praise were also more likely to choose to take the test in a distracting environment.
Why would inflated praise have these effects? The researchers reasoned that over-praised participants, wanting to maintain that self-esteem boost, might have engaged in self-handicapping. This phenomenon involves behaving in ways that are likely to impair performance so that one can blame the self-handicapping behaviors—rather than one's personal ability—if one doesn’t perform well. In other words, participants’ desire to continue feeling good about themselves based on their performance may have ultimately undermined their performance.
Another possibility is that over-praised participants may have simply been overconfident in their abilities, assuming that extra effort was unnecessary because success was so likely. Either way, the results suggest that inflated praise, though comforting, may not always be conducive to learning and self-improvement.
3. Downward social comparison
Comparing ourselves to others who seem worse off, known as downward social comparison, can produce a temporary boost in self-esteem. But while it’s important to keep things in perspective and appreciate what we have, this “it could be worse” mentality can have a dark side when it relies too heavily on others’ misfortunes and shortcomings.
 
  • Instead of black-and-white thinking, self-compassion allows for shades of grey, helping us accept our imperfections while still striving to be our best.
  • Instead of inflated praise, feedback that fosters a growth mindset is more likely to inspire.
  • Instead of comparing ourselves to less fortunate others, helping them get back on their feet can give us a sense of self-efficacy.
  • Instead of derogating successful others, reframing others’ success as a boon rather than a threat can help us bask in reflected glory.
  • Instead of seeking social approval at any cost, we should remind ourselves that no matter what we do or don’t do, someone is likely to disapprove; being true to ourselves is more likely to lead to healthy self-esteem than pleasing others.