Attraction, Just Between Friends

New research reveals what really happens when Harry meets Sally.

If I tell you I am attracted to my male friend, Tim, what would you think I'm saying—that Tim is serious eye candy and I'm gearing up to drop our pointless friendship and connect with him the way nature intended?
What if I told you my attraction to Tim was like my attraction to. . . a spiritual path, a diet plan, or an architecture style? Would you believe me? Would you think that was sad? Would you shake your head and say, "Poor Tim. She's attracted to him like she is to Art Deco?"
Many people think that if an attraction between a man and a woman doesn't lead to courtship or sex, then it's either sad ("Thwarted love!") or delusional ("Who do they think they're kidding?"). But the reality is that in today's world, different kinds of attraction can, and do, develop between men and women.

Pressmaster/Shutterstock

I have analyzed hundreds of interview transcripts and surveys of men and women reflecting on their closest other-sex friend, and found there are 4 ways that attraction is experienced. These can both overlap and change with time—and just because you have one type of attraction for your friend doesn't mean he or she has the same type of attraction for you. (But of course you already knew that.) The 4 types of attraction are:

1. Friendship attraction
2. Romantic attraction
3. Subjective physical/sexual attraction
4. Objective physical/sexual attraction. (This one is particularly interesting, but let's understand the other 3 first).

Friendship attraction is not romantic or sexual in nature, but is the kind of attraction you feel when drawn to someone because you like that person and enjoy being with him or her. It's the type of attraction that most heterosexuals presumably feel for their same-sex friends. This was by far the most common type of attraction between cross-sex friends in our survey. Nearly all the respondents, 96 percent, said they currently feel friendship attraction for their friend, and over two-thirds said that their friendship attraction has increased over time.
Next is romantic attraction. It's important not to confuse this with physical or sexual attraction. While the two can go together, it's certainly possible to find someone physically attractive but have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with them. Romantic attraction is about the desire to alter the friendship into a couple relationship. Only 14 percent of friends said they currently feel romantic attraction for their friend. Interestingly, almost half said they used to feel more romantic attraction, at an earlier stage in the friendship, than they do now. ("Now that I know what she's really like, I couldn't date her!")
Subjective physical/sexual attraction refers to feeling drawn to the other person physically, and perhaps wanting to make sex a part of the relationship. Almost a third of the survey respondents felt this form of attraction for their friend, but the strong majority (over two-thirds) did not currently feel such attraction. This feeling can change over time, and is more likely to decrease (in 30 percent of respondents) than to increase (20 percent).
The last form of attraction is the one I find most interesting, in part because I haven't heard it discussed, either in the research or anecdotally. I've labeled it objective physical/sexual attraction, and it refers to thinking that one's friend is physically attractive in general terms ("I can see why others would find him attractive"), but not feeling the attraction yourself. This kind of attraction was experienced by over half of the people I surveyed—one-quarter more than subjective physical/sexual attraction.
Where Do You Stand?
Friendship attraction is by far the most common type of attraction, followed by objective physical/sexual attraction; subjective physical/sexual attraction; and, finally, the least reported—romantic attraction which, even when it did occur, tended to decrease over time.
While the media, and many researchers, have focused on romantic and sexual bonds between men and women, the research into close cross-sex friendship reveals that other types of bonds can and do occur. The reality is that movies like When Harry Met Sally and My Best Friend's Wedding focus on the tiny minority of friendships in which romantic attraction grows stronger with time.
The next time you notice a man and woman together, challenge yourself to remember that men and women can connect in a variety of ways, and one of them—an extremely common one—is plain and simple friendship.

Be HAPPY Always

人离不开问题。

回答了第一题，第二题问题又来了。

一题未找到答案，第二题继续而来。

有时候幸运，找得到答案。

可很多时候，永远找不到答案。

只得将它们纳入X FILE。

以前很喜欢追根究底的找答案。

以为说找到了根源，就能得到答案，得到答案后，所有问题就能迎刃而解。

现在不了。

年岁的增加，问题越多也越复杂。

与其用尽力气时间去一一回答，倒不如让它们随着时间而逝。

间中问题可以得到解答，也就这样，如不，也这样。

短短人生路，还是好好过每一个当下。

4 Ways Your Job is Hurting Your Health (and What to Do About It)

We work a lot in the U.S., and it's making us sick. Fight back with these health hacks.

If you feel like a zombie after a long day at the office, it could be because your job is taking a serious toll on your health. For many of us, the "40-hour workweek" is more a figure of speech than a reality. Half of Americans work 47 hours a week, according to Gallup—more time than our counterparts in many developed nations, including the United Kingdom and Japan—and all that time at the office just isn't good for us. Here's how your job could be damaging your health—and how to fight back.
Counteract your commute
Long commutes can lead to neck and back problems, obesity, higher blood pressure, heart attacks—even loneliness and unhappiness, according to number of recent studies. Your commute might even be hurting your relationship, according to a new study by researchers at Umea University in Sweden. Couples with one partner who commutes for more than 45 minutes are 40 percent more likely to divorce than those with shorter commutes.
The fix? Eating more fruits and veggies and decreasing sodium intake to a maximum of 1,500 milligrams per day can help control your blood pressure. Exercising for at least 30 minutes a day and limiting alcohol consumption are also key, according to the Mayo Clinic. As for the marriage risk? Check out 10 ways to make your marriage divorceproof.
Stretch your legs                              
Spending eight-plus hours sitting at a desk has been linked to obesity—and the more you sit, the higher your risk of developing certain cancers­—including colon and lung cancer. Worse, even exercising regularly can't undo the sedentary damage, research suggests.
The fix? Consider standing while you work, which burns roughly 50 calories per hour more than sitting—as many as 400 calories in one eight-hour day. Take frequent strolls around the office, try walking during meetings, and consider using a standing desk for part of each day.
Stop the stress
More than one third of us are stressed during the work day and 39 percent blame long hours. That, in turn, has been linked to inactivity, more smoking, and fewer check-ups, The Atlantic reports. Plus, chronic stress can lead to anxiety, depression, heart disease, weight gain, sleep problems, digestive issues, and memory impairment, according to the Mayo Clinic.
The fix? Stress management can go a long way to creating a happier, healthier life. Start by eating better and exercising more. Practice taking deep breaths when you start feeling overwhelmed. And don't forget to have a laugh—or at least a smile, which can counteract anxiety, research suggests.
Don't sacrifice sleep       
Check your email in bed? You’re not alone. Half of us are logging on before sleep and 44 percent are plugged in on  vacation. All this leads to sleep loss, which in turn creates anxiety, obesity, diabetes, and other health risks.
The fix? All light can interfere with the release of melatonin​, the hormone that helps regulate sleep, but blue light (the kind that comes from smart phones and computers) is by far the worst. So if you're having trouble sleeping, banish screens of all kinds from the bedroom and reach for a book instead. Still having sleep problems? Cut back on the booze before bed, exercise more (just not right before bed), limit your naps to 30 minutes, and skip that snooze button, since going back to sleep after waking in the morning can make you feel groggier.

寻找OPPA

迷恋玄彬，自从看了那部秘密花园。

阔别了几年后，再次看他演的最新电视剧。

还是非常喜欢。

久违了的OPPA，还是一样迷人。

尤其是酷酷戴着眼镜的时候。

This Could Be the Key to a Good Night’s Sleep

If you toss and turn all night, painting your bedroom one of these shades might finally help you get some shut-eye.

Fluffy pillows, smooth sheets, a firm mattress, blackout blinds, and maybe some white noise. Whatever your recipe for sleep success may be, consider adding paint color to the list. It just might help you get those coveted eight (or seven!) hours.

The color of your bedroom not only has an impact on the look of the space, but it can also affect the way the room makes you feel. “It all boils down to two color groups,” says Louisiana-based interior designer and owner of Full Spectrum Paints, Ellen Kennon: “Cool colors bring you into yourself, while warm colors are more suited for social rooms where you want to stimulate communication and creativity.”

If you’re trying to create a serene space, opt for a muted blue, which is considered the most calming shade. According to a survey conducted by Travelodge, participants who slept in a blue room got the best night’s sleep, clocking in an average of 7 hours and 52 minutes of sleep per night. Moss green, pale yellow, and silver followed close behind.

Purple was determined to be the least restful room color, with participants sleeping an average of just 5 hours and 56 minutes per night. Sterile whites and primary colors, like red, which implies danger and has been linked to increased blood pressure, should also be avoided, says Dr. Michael Breus, a clinical psychologist and sleep specialist in Scottsdale, Arizona. And opt for a flat finish instead of glossy. “Colors are softer and more atmospheric the flatter they are,” Kennon says.

But while the science of color might be helpful, it’s far from exact—personal preferences play an important role, too. Breus suggests considering the science but ultimately choosing a paint color that has a positive meaning to you. If you’re drawn to green shades, for instance, a moss or olive color is likely a better choice than sky blue.

“At the end of the day, painting your room is not going to cure your insomnia. However, if you add up all of the little things that you can do, then we do start to see an effect,” he says.

In addition to paint color, consider sound, touch, and smell when creating a sleep sanctuary. If your bedroom is too bright, it can negatively affect the sleep-inducing hormone called melatonin, setting you up for a poor night’s sleep. Sound, whether it’s a snoring partner or a barking dog, can also disrupt your sleep (try ear plugs if your environment is on the noisier side). And, finally, says Breus, pay close attention to the comfort of your bed and use calming scents, like lavender, to help your body relax at the end of what was likely a very long day.

Dances with wolves

不再争扎。

沉着的去过日子。

曾经因为你，我拚命争扎，或许我可以从你得自由。

但越拚命，你越把我捆住。

现在，不了。

与你共存，与狼共舞。

既然在人生这舞台上你选择了我作你的舞伴。

说不定因为你，我们可以舞出更美丽精彩的人生。

因为该做的我都做了。

我本想逃出你的枷锁，想藉自制力、外界力量、宗教等等，但顽固的你不释放我。

对，不再争扎，沉着的去过每一天。

或许有一天我也能说：“所有你加在我身上的苦难，原来是祝福的化身。”

注：这里的你是一直跟随我的焦虑症。

6 Simple Steps To Uncovering The Upside Of Stress

By now it's clear that stress can harm our health in a multitude of ways, and new scientific research reinforcing its negative effects seems to debut weekly. But something we often fail to discuss is the positive side of stress, the conscious role we play in creating it, and how it can actually help us be more productive, creative and successful every day.
Eustress, the scientific term for "good stress," encompasses the various healthy responses a person can have to any given form of stress. Distress, its natural counterpoint and the one we often think of when we hear the "S" word, is responsible for the physical, mental and emotional problems we, as a society, are now working so hard to avoid. However, these two categorizations are, at their roots, the same, with only two key factors distinguishing them.
From a biological perspective, all stress stems from the body's natural "fight-or-flight" response. Once the body senses a given threat, the heart begins to pump blood more quickly, the brain sends cortisol and adrenaline throughout the body, and the digestive and immune systems shut down temporarily to focus all attention on dealing with the stressor. This response happens with all stress -- it's automatic.
Now we can first distinguish between good and bad stress by the length of time for which we experience it. The body's stress response is an acute one, meaning it is intended to last only for a short period of time. While those reactions prove beneficial (some researchers say it even strengthens the immune system), they turn destructive when they become more chronic, or prolonged. And let's face it: Many of the things that send us over the edge today are perpetual, daily occurrences, keeping our bodies in this fighting mode, which ultimately leaves us tired, weak and upset.
Stressors are also deemed positive or negative by the attitude we bring to the table about them beforehand, and as they arise. The moment we begin to feel as though we have lost control of our situation, the harmful effects of stress begin. But just as we have the power to psych ourselves out for a big meeting or interview, dread the usual morning traffic jam, or expect the worse from confrontation with a friend or family member, we can approach stereotypical "stressful" situations in a proactive, optimistic fashion. By doing so, the body's stress response can begin to work for us again rather than against us.
Instead of letting bad stress drag you down the path of unhappiness, exhaustion and burnout, use these six simple steps to harness its power in a positive way.
Be honest about your self-talk.

Taking the time to acknowledge how you internalize stress and what that may mean for how you're currently feeling could be one of the most beneficial, mindful moments you ever create for yourself. Only by listening without judgment to that inner dialogue can you begin to understand where those automatic responses come from and then replace them with a more helpful and motivational commentary that can guide you through various tough situations.
Catch it before it starts.

Once a stress response is under way, there's no stopping it biologically, which makes it even more critical to develop foresight into dealing with stressful situations in a constructive manner. Since control is so closely linked to the anxiety aspects of the stress response, focusing your energy on determining what you can (and can't!) affect is one of the most powerful, proactive tools available for dealing with the downsides of stress. If you're able to go into each moment with this type of calm and mental clarity, the stress you experience will become more of a fleeting feeling than a consistently overwhelming pressure to try and change or fix.
Reframe challenges as opportunities.

This mental trick not only makes you more resilient to the negative impact of stress, but also sets you up for more successful stress face-offs in the future. That repeated exposure lends the body psychologically as much as physically a sense of control that resurfaces when similar experiences arise. So instead of viewing a daily dose of stress as a roadblock to overcome, accept it as a positive challenge to then improve your productivity, focus and overall performance.
Think about what works -- and what doesn't -- for you.

Everyone is different when it comes to the particulars (not to mention intensity) of their stress triggers. Some people fear public speaking while others can't get enough of it. Some people seek the thrill of tight deadlines while others can't stand it. Just as it's important to listen to how you speak to yourself regarding stressful situations, knowing the circumstances, activities or personality traits in others that make you feel less in control and full of consistent anxiety can help you tremendously in managing your unnecessary stress exposure. Living by your own individualized meaning and purpose, both at work and otherwise, can boast big benefits when it comes to reducing your stress levels.
Change up your surroundings.

Good stress is a motivator to finish a given task at work or push for a challenging promotion -- in a sense, it helps us thrive. Without it, we would often lack the motivation to achieve anything at all. But for many of us, our modern environments seem to antagonize us rather than inspire us. Sticking with jobs we truly dislike that require longer commutes and more time away from the people and activities we enjoy keeps chronic stress at a persistent high. And that stress, over time, can lead to premature aging, a weakened immune system, damage to the brain, a higher risk of infection, the development of mental disorders, and the beginnings of heart disease. Rather than sticking with surroundings that perpetuate the burnout -- and breakdown -- of the body, consider making lifestyle changes that would help reduce the amount of "bad" stress in your life automatically.
Ask for help.

Changing your perception of stress (even before it happens) is often easier said than done, which is all the more reason to not go it alone. Research has shown that the utilization of coaching, training and peer support groups can be quite effective in transforming typically negative stressors into positive ones. For example, Columbia Business School research scholar Alia Crum gave a group of employees at a struggling financial services company a video-based training program intended to lighten their perspectives of their work environment. After watching motivational clips of athletes and professionals both facing challenges and overcoming them, the workers experienced a substantial improvement in their own attitudes. Instead of interpreting stress as an energy drainer, they viewed it as a potential performance aid -- a change that may or may not have occurred without this external assistance.

How to Trick Yourself into Doing Tasks You Dread

For some of us, checking off each item on our to-do lists provides the endorphin rush we need to make task completion an intrinsic joy. But most of us need a little extra motivation, especially for boring work like recording billable hours, uncomfortable tasks like facing awkward conversations with dissatisfied clients, or major projects like writing a complex case study. Setting up a compelling reward system can help you power through your to-dos.
Here are four types of rewards to consider:
Regenerative
By rewarding yourself in a way that recharges your body and brain, you’ll give yourself more energy to tackle your next task or project. Use these brief rewards midmorning, midafternoon, or midproject to help maintain your momentum.
Examples of regenerative rewards include:

• Meditating for 20 minutes in a secluded spot
• Using your lunch hour to treat yourself to a yoga class, run, or walk
• Doing 5 to 10 minutes of stretches in your office, guided by a video on your computer or iPad
• Talking with a good friend for 5 or 10 minutes
• Treating yourself to a second cup of coffee or a snack after an hour of focused work

Productive
Often—hopefully—work is rewarding in and of itself: meeting with colleagues you respect and enjoy or crafting a PowerPoint deck that incorporates humor or favorite photographs. Use these aspects of your job as rewards for completing something more difficult or tedious.
Other examples of productive rewards include:

• Reading a popular business book or article
• Taking a working meeting to a good restaurant
• Installing or tweaking a piece of software you’ve been eager to use
• Reading/posting an article you think your colleagues/clients would enjoy to Twitter or LinkedIn
• Cleaning your desk

Concurrent
Some tasks are so odious or boring that even the prospect of a pint of ice cream can’t help you face them. These tasks call for a concurrent reward: something you do while working so that you can bear to plow through your in-box backlog or complete your quarterly budget report.

This type of reward works especially well for tasks that are time-consuming but not concentration-intensive. You can make even difficult tasks that require your full concentration more pleasant in the right setting.
Some concurrent rewards include:

• Setting up camp in a Wi-Fi-enabled restaurant so you can eat while you work
• Making a work date with a friend so you can chat while you purge your e-mail in-boxes
• Storing up mindless tasks to complete while watching your favorite TV show at home
• Downloading some new music to listen to while you purge your files
• Making arrangements to work from home for the day

Cumulative
Establish a special-purpose account to pay into every time you complete an especially challenging or large project. Set different dollar values depending on the size and unpleasantness of the task.
Examples include:

• An iTunes account
• A replenishable gift card to your favorite coffee shop or store
• A PayPal account you can refill with quick micro payments to treat yourself to some online shopping
• A discretionary savings account that you use to fund something significant like tickets to a sports or arts event

You’ll know your reward system is working when your to-do list no longer includes tasks you’ve been avoiding for weeks, or when you find yourself racing to complete your least-favorite work so that you can get to that delicious brownie, fantastic concert, or backlog of Mad Men episodes.

The Surprising Power of Women in High Heels

How to be sexy and get a guy to notice you with the right shoes!
Over the years, I have written articles about different features that can increase physical attraction, making an individual more handsome or beautiful (see here). I have also discussed how personality can influence judgments of physical attractiveness (here). Further, I have even shared research demonstrating that the color of clothing, specifically red clothing, increases sex appeal (here).
Today, I would like to continue that topic with the exploration of women's footwear. Clearly, many women care about shoes and take great care to shop for them. Until recently, however, it was not known whether such shoe choices had any effect (beyond improving the woman's own self-esteem perhaps). Fortunately, there is now some science to guide women's shoe shopping in the future...

The Science of Sexy Shoes

Nicolas Gueguen (2014) explored the effects of women's shoes in a series of four experiments. In all of these experiments, Gueguen dressed a few college-age women in matching outfits (black straight skirt, white long-sleeve shirt, and black suit jacket). He then varied the size of the heel on shoes they wore and had them participate in a series of tasks. For those interested in shoe specifics, here are the details below:
"New, black leather shoes were used: one with flat heels (flat heels condition), a second with 5-cm heels (medium heels condition) and a third with 9-cm heels (high heels condition). They were in fashion and considered to be dress pumps that enveloped the sides of the foot, the heel, and the toes, leaving the ankles and the instep visible. The shoes had neither straps nor laces. In the two conditions with heels, except for the length, precaution was taken to use the same form of heels: the top of the heel was 4.595cm2 and tapered to 1.591.5 cm2 at the bottom."
Gueguen (2014) then sent these women out to perform various tasks on the street and measure reactions from random pedestrians. In the first two experiments, the women were asked to solicit participation for various surveys on equal rights and dining preferences. Results indicated that higher heels significantly increased male pedestrians' willingness to comply with the survey request (with high heels getting an 82-83% response rate versus flats 42-47%). Unfortunately, however, the shoes were not as persuasive for female pedestrians, who generally responded to the request at a 30-36% rate, regardless of the type of heel worn by the requester.
Experiment three measured the effects of high heels on helping behavior. The same group of women were asked to walk around in various shoes, accidentally drop a glove, and see whether someone would tell them. Here again, heel length had an effect on men's helping behavior. Men informed a woman in heels that she dropped her glove 93% of the time, versus 62% for a woman in flats. Here too, the shoes had no effect on other women's helping behavior – who only reported the dropped glove 43-52% of the time.
In the final and fourth experiment, the research assistant women were sent into a bar wearing different heel lengths. The experimenter measured how long it took for the women to be approached by men, depending on the shoes that they wore. Men again were swayed by a woman in high heels. The women wearing the highest heel was generally approached by a man around 8 minutes after entering a bar, as opposed to 14 minutes for a woman in flats. Overall then, not only does a woman in high heels appear to be more influential...she is more alluring too.

Are High Heels Right for You?

The choice of whether or not to wear a sexy, high heeled shoe will depend on your audience. Given the research above, if you want to attract a man, persuade a man, or get his help with something, then you may want to consider a high heel shoe to do the job. Even in a business setting, you may get the agreement of the men in the room with a high heel on.
However, it is important to realize that the persuasive effect of high heels does seem to be related to their sex appeal. So, wearing high heels does not seem to influence other women (unless you bond with them over a shared taste in shoes). Furthermore, if you would rather not use sex appeal to influence and get unwanted attention from men, then heels might not be the way to go. Overall though, there does not seem to be a negative effect for wearing high heels from other women, or an overly overt sexual response from men. Therefore, if you are in doubt, you might want some heel for that date, night out, or even business meeting...

Conclusion

No wonder why some women obsess about shoes... Who knew they could be so influential! Not only do they significantly increase the amount of attention a woman gets from men in a bar, but they also make men more complaint to her requests and helpful too. So, if a woman is looking to find love, or just get a man to do something, wearing heels can help!

8 Ways You Can Tell That It's the Right Time to Quit

Expert advice for making tough decisions about relationships, jobs, and dreams.
It will surprise no one that the “right time” question is the one every interviewer always asks me about Mastering the Art of Quitting. Imagine how easy and unstressed life and decision-making would be if there were a foolproof formula, a one-size-fits-all strategy for knowing absolutely and positively when to bail on something—a relationship, a job, a goal, a venture, a life path. You’d be able to put an end to almost all angst, 4 a.m. pacing, and the endless discussions with yourself and trusted others, and light out for the territories, to borrow a phrase from Mark Twain.
I’m always sorry to disappoint, but there is no magic answer. There is, alas, only one person who can decide with any certainly when the “right” time to quit is at hand and, that's you. No waffling or weaseling; and you need to know as much as you can about yourself to make the best decision.
But here is a bit of good news: Figuring out the right time can be made easier by considering the following, all drawn from research. Use these to troubleshoot your thoughts and behaviors:

• Your brain is the biggest obstacle. I know you’ve been raised on a steady diet of lessons on grit and perseverance, but the truth is that the culture is really preaching to the choir. Yes, there are lazy people, slackers, and folks who don’t step up, but generally, human beings are hardwired to hang in, not to leave or quit. All those adages— like “Winners never quit, and quitters never win”—aren’t really necessary. What’s hard for human beings is letting go. We are, as the Nobel Prize-winning work of Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman famously showed, a conservative and loss-aversive bunch.
• How you think provides the super-glue that keeps you stuck. You can thank our ancient forebears because there wasn’t an evolutionary advantage to have the Paleolithic hunter crawl into his cave if he didn’t bag the caribou or to give up if he failed to ford a raging river the first time. Many of our habits of mind derive from a time in human history when the challenges of life were largely physical and perseverance tended to pay off. Even though that was then and this is now, our brains simply haven’t caught up.

Once you’ve focused on the fact that you’re much more likely to stay long past the expiration date than you are to leave the party too early, you need to take a close look at the habits of mind that are blurring your vision and making you think you should wait just a little bit longer and see how things turn out.
Here’s a list of some of the most common biases in thought that keep us stuck:
1. You’re focused on the time and energy you’ve already invested.
Its fancy name is the sunk cost fallacy, and it’s universal. You start thinking about leaving a relationship or a job, and all you can think of is the time you’ve already put into it. Of course, this isn’t rational thinking: if the relationship no longer makes you happy, or going to work fills you with dread, staying even longer won’t help you cope with the time you now consider wasted or lost. But people do it anyway, all the time. This fallacy has you focused on time already spent—which is by definition irretrievable—and keeps you from imagining where you might find yourself in the future.
2. Your eyes are trained on positive cues.
A combination of biases—being overly optimistic and loss averse—make for a heady cocktail which, combined with intermittent reinforcement, act as the granddaddy of all super-glues. If the words “intermittent reinforcement” vaguely remind you of Psych 101, you’re spot on; B.F. Skinner discovered that when rats, pushing a lever for food, were rewarded some of the time (as opposed to on all occasions or none), they would try even harder for longer. Well, fellow rats, this is precisely the predicament we find ourselves in. The one day the boss says something that, for once, doesn’t cut you off at the knees, or the time your beloved actually does something you’ve been begging him or her to do, suddenly you’re no longer heading for the door but settling in for a spell and totally sure that everything will work out. Uh huh. It’s another blob of adhesive that makes us think the time to bail isn’t now and keeps us hanging on.
3. Being thwarted makes the heart grow fonder.
Remember the Greek myth about Tantalus, from which our word “tantalizing” derives? The gods punished him by having him stand under a tree, its fruit just out of reach, and close to flowing waters which receded every time he tried to quench his thirst. Well, it turns out that when we realize we’re likely to fail at a relationship or job or other endeavor, we begin to see that goal as even more valuable than it was initially. Yes, it does explain all those torch songs—such as “The Man/Gal That Got Away”—but it’s yet another habit of mind that keeps our feet (and our minds) firmly anchored to the ground we’re standing on.
4.  FOMO—and the fear of making a mistake.
FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out, isn’t a scientific term, but it's handy here.
Some people are naturally better at quitting and more confident about when to let go than others so you’ll have to spend some time figuring out which camp you fall into. People who are largely motivated by challenges gear up to meet them and do relatively little second-guessing; this group is what the work of Andrew Elliot and Todd Thrash deems to be motivated by “approach” goals and temperament. These people are better at getting unstuck and moving forward. On the other hand, there are people who look at the landscape of life and largely see a series of mistakes to be avoided; they are motivated by “avoidance” goals. They’re not comfortable taking risks, are even more conservative in terms of loss, and are motivated by fear of failure. Keep in mind that we’re all motivated by approach and avoidance at various times; think about how you would generally classify yourself and be as honest as you can.
One study by Heather C. Lench and Linda J. Levine had participants self-report on whether they were approach- or avoidance-oriented, and then set them to the task of solving three sets of seven anagrams. Unbeknownst to the participants, the first anagram was unsolvable, and since the test was timed and you had to do the anagrams in order, giving up on that first anagram was crucial to success. Well, guess what? As the researchers hypothesized, the approach-oriented gave up and moved on, while the avoidance-oriented kept trying to solve the thing and got more agitated, too. A second experiment using the same scenario (the unsolvable anagram) confirmed the findings. Rather than rely on self-report, the goal was framed as “attain success” for half the group and as “avoid failure” for the other half. Those primed to avoid failure kept trying to solve that unsolvable anagram; instructed not to fail, they were so focused on not failing that they couldn’t recognize the thing couldn’t be solved. Ironic, no?
Sometimes, cultural wisdom aside, grit just results in banging your head against the wall.
4 things you should do if you want to quit
So, if you’ve successfully tackled your habits of mind to the ground. What’s next on the agenda to insure the timing and execution are optimal? Try the following:
1. Get a bead on your emotions.
The worst possible scenario is that you stay long enough that the situation—whether it’s in the area of relationship or work—reduces you to a quivering mass of reactivity. Don’t set yourself up for a “straw-that-broke-the-camel’s back” moment because when you storm out the door, not only will it slam behind you (burned bridges, anyone?) but you will be taking a load of emotional and cognitive baggage with you. Many people end up trading one kind of stuck for another when they quit in this way. They are the people who end up wrecking their interviews for a new job by blurting out bad things about their former employers or going out on a first date and launching into lengthy diatribes about their ex-lovers or spouses. You really don’t want to end up there.
2. Motivate yourself.
Remember that quitting isn’t an end in and of itself; it’s a pathway to a new destination. Disengaging from a goal is a process that ends with engaging with a new one. Work on strengthening your motivation to get to that new place even as you consider letting go of the old one. (That’s another reason the “I’m outta here” style of quitting is so counter-productive; you’re slamming one door without a clue to where you might be going next.)
3. Plan and use “if/then” thinking.
The best way to get your brain off cruise control and stop those automatic biases is to make a plan that not only sets your new goal but anticipates possible setbacks and pitfalls along the way. Write your plan down—the research shows that it will help you articulate your thoughts with greater clarity. Map out the possible scenarios, and think them through. Mixing in a bit of realism and perhaps even pessimism to tamp down our tendency to overstate our abilities and to be overly optimistic is also a good idea.
4. Prepare for the stress of transition.
Just as there are those who are better at letting go than others, some are more skilled and confident managing the inevitable turbulence of major change, Again, self-knowledge is an important part of your transition tool kit; the best defense is knowing ahead of time how you’re likely to react. Research by Patricia Linville showed that people with a more complex sense of self and more varied group of activities that defined their sense of self did better in times of transition and stress and recovered from setbacks more easily than those who primarily defined themselves by a single activity. If what you are thinking of quitting is central to your self-definition, you need to be prepared. For example, if your career and the rewards you’ve reaped from it are central to your sense of self, change will be harder than it would be for someone who is not mainly invested in that arena and defines him or herself by numerous roles in addition: parent, friend, community leader, gardener, golfer etc.
Despite the cultural mantra, quitting an endeavor or relationship which is no longer making you happy, is failing and cannot be fixed, or which no longer meets your needs is a healthy response as long as it’s the first step toward a new goal and destination.

I am still alone

I am still alone.
Walking, eating, sleeping etc., doing them all alone.
I am feeling lonely, very very much.