我到底是壓力大還是憂鬱症？

• 文章出處：康健雜誌186期
• 2014.05.01
• 作者 ： 楊心怡
• 圖片來源 ： 陳德信

焦慮症、憂鬱症、壓力症候群、慢性疲勞症候群……，最近常失眠、頭痛、情緒低落，到底是哪一種？

人生總是面臨許多壓力，來自工作、家庭、生活轉變、健康狀況，甚至新聞事件都可能讓你很煩，覺得壓力很大。

但碰到壓力時，你可能會出現睡眠不穩定、食慾不振、記憶力減退，偶爾出現暈眩、頭痛、心悸、暴躁易怒等，這到底只是壓力大、自律神經失調？或是已經有焦慮、憂鬱的傾向？

馬偕醫院精神科資深主治醫師李朝雄指出，憂鬱症標準嚴苛，是要有壓力相關反應，並有顯著情緒低落症候群，以致影響日常生活達兩週以上，才會診斷為憂鬱症。

焦慮症則是指有廣泛持續的焦慮症狀，或明顯的恐慌、畏懼、強迫、創傷症狀，以致嚴重影響日常生活、工作、學業功能，或變得常出錯、注意力降低、記憶力變差等。

另外，這幾年還出現「壓力症候群」、「慢性疲勞症候群」及「自律神經失調」等，到底該怎麼分辨？

壓力是最主要癥結點

喜洋洋心靈診所院長、精神科醫師陳豐偉解釋，慢性疲勞症候群要先排除是重度憂鬱或躁鬱症，最主要的症狀是長期持續的疲勞，休息無法緩解，且要排除可能造成疲勞的慢性病因，還會有肌肉痠痛無力症狀，並已對生活造成重大影響。

慢性疲勞症候群通常是因長期處於工作、生活緊張，以及情緒、精神過度處於壓力及超負荷狀態，所產生一系列身心疾病及症狀。其實，它的診斷定義目前還沒有普遍的共識，也常伴有不同形式的身心症狀，甚至有報告顯示，病患中有八成患者有輕到中度憂鬱。

至於自律神經失調與壓力症候群都不太能算是「疾病」，兩種狀態的定義很類似，都是急性事件或長期壓力累積，造成類固醇、腎上腺素過度分泌，傷害大腦神經元的連結，所引發的生理、心理症狀。

例如淺眠、心悸、手抖、頭暈、焦慮、噁心、肩頸緊繃、呼吸易喘，或找不出明確身體病因的異樣感覺，推測可能與自律神經系統有關，有時就稱為自律神經失調。

如果懷疑自己有自律神經失調，可找精神科醫師求診，了解壓力對你身體狀況的影響。

事實上，不管是憂鬱症、焦慮症、慢性疲勞症候群通常都會有自律神經失調症狀，而共同的原因就是「長期壓力」以及「缺乏紓壓、運動」。

研究發現，在大腦的海馬迴區塊，腦神經細胞還有神經新生的功能，會影響大腦對壓力做出健康的反應。如果大腦持續感受到壓力，海馬迴區塊細胞凋零速度會大於新生速度，就會造成大腦受損，進而引發憂鬱、焦慮。

好消息是，只要減少壓力，多運動、放鬆心情，海馬迴的腦細胞又能再生。這說明，慢性壓力導致憂鬱症的路徑是可逆的，大腦的損傷狀況有些是可回復的。

6招幫你遠離壓力

更且，慢性壓力引發的精神疾病一開始多半症狀較輕微，如果能適時紓解壓力，就不會演變成重鬱症。

李朝雄也安慰，壓力與憂鬱症之間或許有連結，但並不是每個人都會陷入這個惡性循環，會不會得憂鬱症跟你的基因遺傳（對壓力敏感）、個性（較固執、完美主義）、持續的時間、及對壓力的調適能力都有關聯。

基因、個性較屬於先天或長年累積，但對壓力的調適能力卻是可以後天強化的，這也多少影響了壓力可能持續的時間。

1.逃避一下也不錯

調適壓力的方法其實很多種，李朝雄認為，不見得每次都強迫自己正向面對，偶爾逃避一下，做個白日夢也無妨，「給自己一些彈性，才不會反而形成另一個壓力源。」

2.專注當下，不容易憂鬱

台北市立聯合醫院松德院區身心醫學科主任陳坤波則建議可以透過「學習專注」來調適壓力。他解釋，當大腦專注於某件事時是快樂的，如果常常想東想西 （wandering mind）就愈易憂鬱；因此面對壓力，不妨專注地思考該如何解決、排出優先順序，真的沒辦法做的事想想該請誰幫忙分擔。當你只專注於當下，大腦就不容易陷 入憂鬱的情緒。

3.不需自責，更不用反覆思量

英國利物浦大學心理健康社會學院研究提醒，面對壓力最糟糕的反應就是自責，並反覆思量，這樣只會增加你憂鬱、焦慮的風險。金德曼教授（Peter Kinderman，MD.）解釋，反覆思量是指不斷想著壓力事件，卻不思考如何扭轉局勢，「你可以正向看待壓力源，想想未來可以怎麼改變、如何解決，甚 至跟朋友聊聊、訂定新的計劃。」

4.吃蔬果、全穀類能紓壓

食物中有些營養素如維生素B群、鈣、鎂、維生素C、色胺酸及蛋白質、Omega-3等，能幫助穩定情緒、振奮精神、提升大腦血清素濃度，多吃富含這些營養素的食物如深色蔬果、堅果類、全麥麵包、深海魚、牛奶、豆漿、香蕉等，都是不錯的快樂食物。

5.散步半小時就能預防憂鬱

當你開始感覺到壓力時，不妨出去散步、慢跑一下。有研究提到，每天散步半小時就可預防憂鬱症；其實，不同程度的運動都有幫助。即使是伸個懶腰，轉轉頭、聳 聳肩、手腳動一動、延展脊椎、兩手交握往天花板伸直，只要2分鐘，一天4次，就能延緩製造壓力荷爾蒙、提升正面情緒達60％。

不過最好是運動時能到戶外曬太陽，適當的日曬能攝取九成的維生素D，血液中的維生素D增加就能降低憂鬱症風險。

6.睡得好，免煩惱

老鼠實驗發現，睡眠時大腦組織間液的空間會增加60％，腦脊髓液與腦組織間液交流迅速，而「乙型類澱粉蛋白」（可能會導致失智症與其他神經退化性疾病）的 清除率明顯增加。如果把老鼠用藥物麻醉，還是得到類似的結果。「這說明是睡眠本身，而不是睡眠週期，在清除大腦毒素，」陳豐偉指出。

因此，睡不好，心情也就不會好、抗壓性變差、自律神經功能惡化。醫師們呼籲，想遠離壓力絕對不要犧牲睡眠，至少不能睡少於6.5小時，早上儘量早點起床，且不要補眠。

李朝雄提到，許多人覺得愈睡愈累、常常睡不飽，那是因為深睡期不夠所致，但補眠大多只是淺睡或多夢，雖然時數有達到，品質還是不好。因此最好是能漸進式調整睡眠習慣，早上早點起床，晚上也比較能早點入睡。

人的一生不可能完全沒有壓力，但只要一發現自己出現壓力症狀，就要記得讓自己有充足的睡眠、找出時間運動，避免壓力繼續傷害大腦。

Five ways to stop anxiety winning

Naomi PetersenTuesday 26 Jul 2016 1:02 pm

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(Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

As anyone who suffers from anxiety knows, there is no quick fix or miracle cure.
I’ve experienced it throughout my life: overwhelmingly negative thoughts, shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, night terrors.
Why does the tiny barman in my brain insist on serving me such an exciting symptomatic cocktail?
Everyone’s different obviously: I’m only qualified to talk about my own anxiety.
But here are five ways I’ve personally discovered not to let anxiety win:
Understand it
Go to the doctor.
Yes I know, it’s Anxiety 101, but it took me years to finally go and get some help.
I had a session with a psychiatrist, which was surprisingly un-scary (although newsflash: it’s not like the movies – there was no couch and I had to slum it in an upright chair!), and was referred for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).
It really helped, as gradually I started to understand my anxiety and learn how to deal with it better.
Own it
Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of.
I used to worry that people would think I was less fun.
But the way I see it now, this isn’t part of my personality.
I didn’t mean to put it in my shopping basket, it’s just an unexpected item in my bagging area.
What I mean by this confusing and lazy metaphor is that anxiety doesn’t define you. Own it, accept it, but don’t be embarrassed by it.
Share it
I’m not saying shout it from the rooftops (although actually, that does sound therapeutic: see you all on the roof!).
But if you’re finding it hard to cope, talk about it. Over a cuppa. And those posh German biscuits.
Mental illness shouldn’t be a taboo topic but it still is for many people.
Confide in your friends, family, colleagues, milkman. Help them understand what’s going on – it always makes me feel better.

(Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

Deflect it
When those negative thoughts are having a party inside my brain they are almost impossible to switch off, but I’ve discovered little distractions can dim the volume a bit.
I find colouring particularly calming.
It helps if you have some truly excellent pens and enjoy shopping for stationery more than any grown woman should admit to.
Laugh at it
At it, with it, just laugh. This is honestly the one that’s helped me the most.
Back in January 2013 my anxiety was trolling me hard.
I was in a permanent state of what I call ‘Towel Face’ (spending a prolonged amount of time in your towel post-shower because getting dressed is too overwhelming) and on a whim I signed up to an improvised comedy course.
Best decision I ever made. Spending three hours a week playing and laughing in a room full of funny people is an utterly joyous experience and I’ve never looked back.
I continued to throw myself into comedy and I’ve just written my own one-woman show, which is inspired in part by my own anxiety.
It’s a cliché for a reason – laughter IS the best medicine. So make it a top priority.

Read more: http://metro.co.uk/2016/07/26/five-ways-to-stop-anxiety-winning-6028418/#ixzz4FZ5bxziy

Five effective ways to stop anxiety attacks

Anxiety has become the number one mental health issue in America. Generalized anxiety disorder affects millions of people worldwide, and the number keeps growing at an alarming rate. But here is the good news — there are many techniques you can use to manage anxiety effectively. We at Bright Side have five tips for you that will help you cope when you’re feeling anxious and stressed. These techniques are also good for anyone who wants to improve their quality of life.

Anxiety is fear of the future. Humans developed the ability to anticipate events in the future, and this evolutionary tool gives us advantages over other species and allows us to solve problems even before they appear.

However, this ability can play against us. We feel anxious when our mind is constantly focused on the future. People usually suffer from anxiety attacks at night, before bed, as this is the time when the unwanted thoughts we’ve buried all day come to the forefront. Intrusive thoughts like, ’What will happen tomorrow?’ and ’What can I do to resolve this situation?’ enter our minds, making it hard for us to fall asleep.

1. Combat anxious thoughts.

Anxiety feeds on itself. If you allow negative thoughts to grow, you’ll end up going insane. Anxiety can build up like a snowball rolling down a hill, and you are the only one who has the power to stop it. First you should learn to intercept negative thoughts. This means identifying them when they occur. When you find yourself feeding and fueling your intrusive thoughts, ask yourself, ’Is this really likely to happen?’ Stop thinking about the past and the future, and try to visualize what your life would be like if you had no worries.

If this doesn’t work, make a list. Write down what’s on your mind and what you’re doing about it. This writing exercise will help to rationalize the problems and find their real dimensions. In other words, it will not allow them to continue growing and turning inside your head. You can also write down your goals and how you’re going to achieve them.

2. Meditate and breathe.

This is the most common advice to combat anxiety, and it is one of the most effective. If you have regular anxiety attacks, consider taking a meditation class. Acquiring this habit will help you to reduce stress and greatly improve your quality of life. If you have infrequent anxiety attacks and meditation is not your cup of tea, try breathing techniques. These can be very helpful for relaxing before sleep, but they can also be used anywhere whenever you feel stressed. Your body will thank you for this.

3. Releasing feel-good brain chemicals.

When you exercise, your body releases endorphins and serotonin, two enzymes that your brain associates with feelings of pleasure and well-being. They heat up your whole body and allow the tension in your muscles to ease. Physical exertion is also a good way to focus on the here and now.

4. Try these natural remedies.

Herbal remedies, particularly herbal teas such as valerian root tea, lavender, and camomile, will help you reduce anxiety and irritability and fall asleep faster.

5. Avoid caffeine.

Caffeine has been shown to increase anxiety levels and provoke panic attacks in people with panic disorder. Caffeine is a stimulant that can lead to nervousness, irregular heartbeat, and agitation. It will also keep you awake, leading to more anxiety. Consider it carefully before reaching for your next caffeinated drink.

Photo credit: Pexels

When to Fake It Till You Make It (and When You Shouldn't)

Amy Morin What Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Faking it for the right reasons can change you for the better. Here's why.

Posted Jun 27, 2016 

 One day, a client came to see me because she felt socially awkward. She knew that her inability to make small talk was holding her back both personally and professionally. As a shy person, she hated going to networking events. But making connections was vital to her career.
I asked, "What do you usually do when you go to a networking event?" She said, "I stand awkwardly off to the side and wait to see if anyone will come talk to me." I asked her, "What would you do differently if you felt confident?" and she said, "I'd initiate conversation and introduce myself to people."
Right then and there, she discovered the solution to her problem: If she wanted to feel more confident, she had to act more confident. That wasn't quite what she wanted to hear. She'd hoped for a solution that would immediately make her feel more confident. But the key to becoming more comfortable in social situations is practice.
Her instinct was to wait until she felt more confident, but that confidence wasn't going to magically appear out of thin air—especially if she was standing around by herself. However, if she started talking to people like a confident person, she'd have an opportunity to experience successful social interactions, and each of these would boost her confidence.
Acting "As If"
Acting "as if" is a common prescription in psychotherapy. It's based on the idea that if you behave like the person you want to become, you'll become like this in reality:

• If you want to feel happier, do what happy people do—smile.
• If you want to get more work done, act as if you are a productive person.
• If you want to have more friends, behave like a friendly person.
• If you want to improve your relationship, practice being a good partner.

Too often we hesitate to spring into action. Instead, we wait until everything feels just right or until we think we're ready. But research shows that changing your behavior first can change the way you think and feel.
The Biggest Mistake Most People Make
Faking it until you make it only works when you correctly identify something within yourself that's holding you back. Behaving like the person you want to become is about changing the way you feel and the way you think.
If your motives are to prove your worth to other people, however, your efforts won't be successful, and research shows that this approach actually backfires. A study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that people who tried to prove their worth to others were more likely to dwell on their shortcomings. Ambitious professionals who wore luxury clothing in an effort to appear successful, and MBA students who wore Rolex watches to increase their self-worth just ended up feeling like bigger failures.

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Even worse, their attempts to project an image of success impaired their self-control. They struggled to resist temptation when they tried to prove that they were successful. Putting so much effort into faking it used up their mental resources and interfered with their ability to make good choices.
How to "Fake It" the Right Way
Acting "as if" doesn't mean being phony or inauthentic. It's about changing your behavior first and trusting the feelings will follow. As long as your motivation is in the right place, faking it until you make it can effectively make your goals become reality. Just make sure you're interested in changing yourself on the inside, not simply trying to change other people's perceptions of you.

一個人住也很幸福

• 文章出處：康健雜誌55期
• 2003.06.01
• 作者 ： 黃惠如
• 圖片來源 ： 康健雜誌

你害怕獨居嗎？你擔心以後會變成獨居老人嗎？獨居非但不古怪，也不可怕，以下這些人就是享受獨居生活的人。

在網路的搜尋引擎打上「獨居」二字，出現的是「獨居老人被鈍器敲擊而死」、「82歲獨居老教授上吊自殺」，更多的是獨居老人死亡多日後才被發現的新聞。

而另一類的獨居訊息，就是提供獨居女性的居家安全守則，包括在門口放男鞋、曬衣場掛男性襯衫等，似乎只要有男性在家，就可免去罪惡。

獨居彷彿是一種危險、一個缺憾、一個有待解決的麻煩，獨居的人似乎都三餐隨便、被寂寞吞噬，門外一響就身心不寧。

事實上，人生有很多階段都會獨居，也有很多人正在獨居，如為了求學、工作離家一個人住；或是離婚、寡居，甚或單身，獨居可以說是現代人的必修學分之一。

獨居非但不古怪，更可能因為獨居，而發現自我的主體性，進一步學會和自己相處的能力。

《孤獨》的作者安東尼．史托爾（Anthony Storr）醫師認為，獨處的能力是一種寶貴的資產，可以促進學習、思考與創新，和自己的內在世界接觸。

「人始終在追求幸福，但一個人所感受到的最奧妙的心理經驗，往往發生於內部，即使和他人有關，也是極淺淡的關係而已，」他認為。

我們並非推廣獨居，也無意忽視獨居所必須具備社交與經濟上的條件，才能維持獨立，但透過以下這些人不同的遭遇、不同的獨居經驗，你可以不必害怕獨居，更進一步在有機會獨居時，也可以擁抱幸福。

相信自己有能力，一步一步更好

徐玫怡，五年級中段班，過去是唱片公司企劃，現在是前景可期的圖文作家兼漫畫家。她和另一位漫畫家張妙如所共同創作的「交換日記」，從1998年至今已經「交換」出6本作品，甚至還有了T恤、錢包等周邊商品。

由於是日記，個人的生活瑣事和人生大事都無所遁形。徐玫怡在幾經猶豫後，在《交換日記6》公布了離婚的訊息。

脫去了賢良主婦的外衣，不用《交換日記》裡單純可愛的語氣，徐玫怡訴說離婚後，如何去建構一個人的生活，及她走過婚姻的微笑和眼淚。

「2001年底我開始了一個人的生活。從前夫住的地方搬到弟弟家暫住的那一天下午，打包的東西零落四散在借住的房間裡，非常勞累的身體躺在剛剛組合好的簡易地板上，我開始哭。」

徐玫怡描述自己離婚後的新生活，事實上，這是她第N次搬家，N大於30。從小父親經商，家中經濟狀況隨父親生意好壞起伏，由於經常搬家，唸五專期間，回到台南，因為不知道家搬到哪去，還要先到一個阿姨家，等媽媽來接。

徐玫怡從兩歲開始就是姊姊，所以習慣照顧別人。就算15歲後離家到台北讀書，也是一直和室友合租同住，總是會考慮別人的感受，加上自己缺乏自信，總覺得自己是沒有價值的，直到結婚。

「一直到結婚後，我才開始獨居，」這句話讓人出乎意料，她自己也說別人一定會說她神經病。

她的前夫林桑是導演，喜歡自由、無壓的生活，沈迷於自己喜歡的事物，「他很少回家，所以我幾乎是一個人住，」徐玫怡這樣講時，沒有一絲埋怨或哀怨的語氣，反而興高采烈起來。

由於林桑喜好蒐集大量藝文資料，給予徐玫怡豐富資源去發展寫作興趣，更因為前夫十分鼓勵徐玫怡發展自己。

例如，徐玫怡睡醒告訴他，「我做一個夢好奇怪哦，」林桑聽了說，「很棒，寫下來，」而不是說「夢都是假的，不要信。」

「我會當作家，都是因為我前夫，我們會離婚，並不是因為我討厭他，相反地我還很仰慕他，」徐玫怡扯了嘴角，笑了一笑。

不可諱言，這兩人的生命情調都比較適合獨居，漫畫裡雖然用幽默的形式，也會發現徐玫怡變成一個暴躁的太太，常常對丈夫林桑怒吼，徐玫怡希望建立起碼的共同生活模式，卻是造成摩擦的主因。

「抽菸抽那麼兇，又喝酒，汝貢味聽是不是？（台語，你聽不懂我的話嗎）」或是，「為什麼凌晨4點還不去睡，搞什麼？」或是「還在睡，已經下午4點了。」

分離還是痛苦的，尤其離開含談戀愛的前後12年感情。

徐玫怡在她的書裡坦承，這兩年來修了失眠焦慮課、沮喪低潮課、愛不愛課、分離結合課等學分，兩年的思考和自省後，「選擇離婚，只是要單純化我所遭遇的問題，我想要用完全獨立的生活方式繼續我的自主人生。」

徐玫怡相信自己能對自己好，可以自己決定、承擔所有的事。她在跟出版社預支一些稿費和部份存款，在房價較低的桃園貸款買下自己的第一棟房子，她自己設計房子、自己監工，工人在工作，她在縫窗簾。

面對空曠的空屋，徐玫怡開始決定什麼是她的生活「一定要的」。

客廳裡一塊像「榻」的地方，可以看風景、打坐，偌大的窗外有小火車轟隆轟隆地過。

「茶水吧」也是一定要的。在廚房與客廳之間，如果沒有一處可以泡茶、泡咖啡的地點，就會有一位辛苦的主婦來來去去倒茶水。儲藏室也非常必要。可以把所有雜物往裡一塞，就讓室內空間簡潔有序。

空間已然順心，但自由工作者時間都是自己的，更需要規劃，讓自己生活規律，才能身體健康、腦筋清楚，才能更進一步「追求自我、幫助別人」。

徐玫怡用小時候的功課表規定自己：「9點起床、9點5分刷牙」；她也用日本偶像劇當成完成工作的誘餌，為了每天都能按時進入關心的情節，非得在晚上8點以前完成所有工作不可。

那麼孤單呢？網路讓孤單幾乎不存在。「昨天還和國中同學在網路見面，好高興、好高興，」甚至她也和其他的自由工作者用網路約定9點一定要上線看到彼此，做為「上班」的約定。

一個人住就要「訓練自己扶持自己的感覺，」她雙手相靠一直上提，邊說「站起來、站起來。」

未來就算有機會再和別人一起住，徐玫怡相信只會更好，因為「知道自己要堅持什麼，以前不知道我要什麼。」

搬家那天下午，徐玫怡哭完睡著，睡醒已經是隔天早上。就像《亂世佳人》裡的費雯麗，醒來又是新的一天，清晨的陽光在等著她。

愛唯有在分享時才真實

劉子平，二年級中段班，前預防醫學研究所研究員，現為業餘攝影愛好者。7年前愛妻過世後，就過著一個人的生活。他就是獨居老人，但他健身、拍照、旅行、煮美食，兒子說要一起住，他還說：「免了、免了，我一個人自由自在。」

劉子平說他會開一輛紅色的別克來接我。當他出現時，合宜的襯衫、休閒式西裝外套、領巾，頸上還掛著行動電話，灰白的長髮往後綁成馬尾，一派名士作風。

一進他家，並不算整潔，各式資料堆得到處都是，「妳別笑我，家裡很亂，」他說。

他拿出虹吸式的咖啡機開始煮咖啡，「咖啡我只喝哥倫比亞和藍山綜合。藍山在台灣太貴了，所以賣得慢，常常受潮了。」

他不只對咖啡講究。聽同事的媽媽說，他做的沙拉好吃得不得了。他說，做沙拉有什麼大不了的，他是學自紐約華爾道夫飯店的做法，便開始描述做沙拉的細節。

第二次去他家，家裡還是堆得到處都是，我並不覺得他真的在意整齊。他帶我上頂樓，原來這裡別有洞天，良好的視野可以遠眺台北市，而且他還栽植了許多蘭花，不少正在開花。休閒桌上攤了一本叫做《數位照片編修自己來》的電腦書，他正在學電腦。

劉子平獨居在台北，並非沒有子女願意奉養，事實上這個週末他當公務員的小兒子、媳婦還回來，希望一起住，劉子平回答：「免了免了，我一個人自由自在。」

要這樣自由自在，是經過一番寒徹骨的。

7年前，劉子平的妻子罹患胃癌過世，劉子平遭逢人生巨創，失去了歡笑、也失去了求生的意願。

他不能待在這個房子裡，因為整個房子都是回憶，他甚至沒有辦法睡，一安靜下來，思念就會啃噬他的心。

他背起從14歲開始就拍的相機遠赴紐約。拿著相機到處拍，每天走七、八個小時。有一次還到紐約人夏日的度假勝地科尼島（Coney Island），那時候是冬天，整個海灘空無一人，只有鳥叫和海浪拍岸的聲音，天空飄著白雪，他眼淚一直掉。他去百老匯聽音樂劇，聽到老伴以前最愛的《歌 劇魅影》的「All I ask of you」，哭到不能自已。

聽到《貓》的「Memory」，老貓輕柔地唱出：

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

（回憶，孤獨在月光下，過去我能微笑，那時我是美好的，那時候我記得快樂是什麼，讓回憶重生，）他哭到手帕濕透。

我聽著他人生最傷痛的一段，不自覺也流著淚，劉子平往沙發背一靠，嘆口氣繼續說。

後來有一次出門就遇到一個吉普賽婦人，說要幫他算命，說他活不過3年。

他心裡有數，天命不遠。但他還是貪心一點，把自己的餘年算成5年，把所有積蓄算成五等分，告訴女兒「要去拍照、很久不會回來」。

他搭火車和灰狗巴士，從東岸到西岸的舊金山，然後從舊金山沿西海岸徒步走到拉斯維加，這段流浪長達6個月之久，讓劉子平死了又活過來。

他帶著乾糧、睡袋、一把開山刀和幾件禦寒衣物，開始流浪。有時候為了拍一朵被雨水壓得低頭的小黃花，等了6個小時。如果乾糧沒了，連青蛙都吃。

直到走到一處森林，前不著村、後不著店，乾糧已斷，又冷又餓，他拿出出門前寫的遺書，睡睡醒醒，夢見妻子、母親，覺得自己快死了。

突然有人拍他，是一個在舊金山偶遇的婦人，她餵他喝熱湯、吃乾糧，照顧他復原。這位從英國來的婦人告訴他：「Love is only true when shared.（愛唯有在分享時才真實）」一棒打醒他。

這6個月來鬱鬱獨行，看來是品嚐自己的悲傷，其實沒人知道他有多愛他妻子，他有多痛苦絕望。

他重新活過來。開始過新生活，開始交新朋友。

這時上天又給他不得不做的功課。911事件時，他寄放在紐約保險櫃的作品全部被埋在地底，他必須重新來過。所以為了重拍喜馬拉雅山，他到健身房鍛鍊體力6個月；為了保存自己的作品，他開始學電腦。

「強而有力的嗜好、貼心的朋友很重要，」現在劉子平不僅活過算命師說的3年壽命，也活過自己預估的5年，而且為了更多作品，還會愈來愈忙。

世事難料，沒有人能掌握下一分鐘的未知，但用一份真心來詮釋人生的已知和未知，在空苦無常的人生，也嚐到一絲甜味。

獨居，一種活的姿態

汪其楣，左手作戲、右手作文，她所執導的《人間孤兒》、《大地之子》、《海山傳說．環》等，平復了台灣當時躁鬱的心。她的散文 《海洋心情》，更將關懷面擴展至愛滋病患者。現任教於成功大學中文系。

汪其楣在13年前就寫了「單身是不必說抱歉的」，文中充滿單身的自在、自得，增加了13年的生命重量後，她又怎麼看自己現在的單身、獨居的生活？

如果要選出單身女郎模範生，汪其楣一定有資格當選。她一個人住很大的房子，也有很大的廚房，自己煮好吃的東西，做豆漿、做麵包對她來說，都很簡單，家裡也常常請客。

她也把自己的健康打理得很好。看電視時不准自己坐，來來回回跑步、做拉筋，脊椎附近肌肉練得很有力。

她朋友也很多。樓梯旁放了一幅作家奚淞的畫，他們幾個老友跪著向汪其楣求饒，因為多年前他們看完汪其楣的戲就讚美著離開了，不知道要鼓掌等演員謝幕，汪其楣氣得不得了。

她也充分享受工作的樂趣，但如果她聽到模範生的「讚美」一定很不高興，就像我們要採訪她為什麼能把自己過得好，她就說：「為什麼一定要過得好，好不好不重要，too much，太強調快樂給別人壓力。」

這態度和她13年前寫「單身是不必說抱歉的」有很大的差別。

那時她描述單身生涯，既自在又快意，可以早安晨跑跑進書店，把「全家人」的菜錢都去買書；也可以半夜睡到一半，把室內外的盆栽都換了位置。

現在她說：「那時候真不謙虛呀。」

因為獨居更需要紀律。怎麼買菜，買了菜，又如何在期限內吃完，因為有家人一起住的人，可以用「淫威」逼迫家人吃完。

讓生活有秩序，也是得到人生樂趣的方法。例如春假期間，她很多同事都到峇里島度假，但「擦地板、把未讀完的書讀完，好像比匆忙去旅行重要。」

獨居生活的不快，也必須「學而時習之」。

她打開電視櫃，裡面有大大小小的榔頭。她常說單身女郎家居三寶，榔頭、螺絲起子和老虎鉗，簡單的修理敲打，自己就可以學習動手，不要以為嫁了一個丈夫就擁有一位免費的木匠兼水電工。

雖然可以自己來，但「如果有一個男人願意幫我做家事、修電腦，也很好，」汪其楣說。

現在她也不太說單身女郎忙碌得無法「虛度」青春。她偏過頭想一想，現代人走出大門，就有人和你一起逛街；也和一堆人一起看電影，「形體的孤獨不太會有」。

但心靈的孤獨，也不是有伴侶就能解決的。「常常痛苦無法告訴別人，人生本來就是這樣，那就這樣吧。」

所以無論獨居、共居，已婚、未婚都需要面對生命的孤獨，學習和自己相處的能力。

這讓我想到華滋華斯的詩：

倉促的世界使我們與較好的自己
分離太久，而且逐漸萎靡
厭倦世事、膩煩歡樂，此時
孤獨是多麼從容，多麼溫和

離家女兒的心情告白

謝佩如，六年級後段班，因為北上求學第一次離家獨居。獨居經驗讓她感受到對家庭的依戀，和前所未有的寂寞，但獨居也開始讓她學習找到生活的重心。

謝佩如才二十出頭，卻偏好淑女裝扮，大捲的頭髮、長裙、小外套，唯有指甲偷偷透露出青春，指甲前三根是藍色，後兩根是粉紅色。

她家住台中，兩個姊姊都北上求學，讓她心生嚮往，「唸大學時，一定要上台北看看」。

但是真的到台北之後，「超幻滅的，」她說，每天有說不出的寂寞要品嚐，就算個性開朗的她很快就結識好友，也交了男朋友。

這種寂寞並不是有男朋友就能解決的，就算是假日，她也不想去男朋友的住處，一個人待在家裡。

後來同學都在打工，她也開始打工，到五星級飯店當服務生，「超級累的」，但是工作的疲累並不能紓解思鄉的寂寞。

所以她每個寒暑假回家都待到收假的最後一天，甚至還請假一兩天，儘量拖延回台北的時間。

到了大三，到某家出版社實習，突然發現不久的將來即將面對社會嚴苛的挑戰，但是卻沒有培養好足夠的能力。

她開始加強英文、多做專題報告，也決定報考研究所，她認為之前的寂寞是因為「生活沒有重心」。

有了方向感後，她儘量打理好自己，三餐自理，讓生活作息正常，讓「心思放在生活態度上」。

她最看不慣有些人渾渾噩噩睡到中午才醒，午餐不吃、匆匆趕去上學，房間一團亂，然後說沒有時間整理，「怎麼可能沒有時間」。

青春正漾，說什麼都理直氣壯，但現階段她對自己的小小理解，幫助她未來更懂得聽自己說話。

獨居老人如何不寂寞？

獨居並不意味寂寞，但寂寞的人常常會增高憂鬱或其他健康問題的機會。美國長期關注獨居老人的美國退休人員協會（American Association of Retired Persons，AARP）建議獨居老人，如何與社會保持聯繫？

●增加社交互動

可以邀請家人或朋友到你家，不必等他們邀請你，你可以自己做或是叫外賣一份豐富的晚餐，在席間了解他們的興趣、嗜好和近來的工作情形。

或者打個電話給快要失去聯絡的朋友，或是參加宗教性團體，總之別把自己孤立起來。

●擔任義工

擔任義工是發揮智慧、才華的最佳方式。在那裡也可以認識新朋友，從中也可以更加肯定自己。

許多醫療院所、社會團體都需要義工，找一個自己認同的議題，主動打電話去詢問義工的機會。

●培養嗜好

去學某樣你一直感興趣、卻沒有時間去學的事物，很大的好處是你可以在一些社團裡發現和你有相同興趣的人。

別小看這一點嗜好，可以讓你沈浸其中，忘了老之將至。

●養隻寵物吧

寵物是喜悅和陪伴的來源。寵物也可以降低我們的壓力和焦慮，寵物也可以讓我們去想一些東西、也學會一些東西。

寵物也不一定非是貓和狗。大部份的公寓無法飼養貓狗，可以考慮鳥或是熱帶魚，雖然沒有擁抱的熱度，一樣給你相同的樂趣。

●上一個課程

查查看你家附近的社區大學有沒有什麼課程，你覺得有意思，這是一個好方法去認識新同學。

●出去動一動

運動習慣有益身心，可以讓我們睡得更好，並增進食慾，同時也製造了和別人社交的機會。（黃惠如）

蘭萱 不婚，做自己真正的主人

• 文章出處：康健雜誌143期
• 2010.10.01
• 作者 ： 王梅
• 圖片來源 ： 陳德信

蘭萱很早就決定不婚，對她而言，「單身是自由意志，不是無奈被迫；是選擇題，不是是非題。」

35歲以前，父母不時給她壓力，有一次實在被問煩了，蘭萱表情認真地反過來問母親，「如果能夠再讓妳選一次，妳會結婚嗎？」

母親沈默了半晌，未發一語。從此家人漸漸不再過問。

很多單身女子害怕年老孤獨寂寞，蘭萱不太有「寂寞」的問題，在她的字典裡，寂寞與心慌、自憐、恐懼畫上等號，譬如，怕打雷、怕小偷、怕黑、怕鬼，她都沒有 這些顧慮。如果是因為無聊，想要人陪，除了長途旅行，基於安全考慮，可能會想找一個伴，其餘一個人可以完成的事，譬如逛街、吃飯、看電影，根本不需要有 伴。

在她看來，單身女人的晚景也不一定是悲慘淒涼。她想過自己年老的畫面，住在湖邊的房子，門前有一座小花園，坐在溫暖的屋子裡很怡然自得地看書，「為什麼那幅畫面中，旁邊竟然沒有一個男人？」她曾經很認真思索，發現在潛意識裡，她就是決定一個人過日子。

曾有人好奇問蘭萱，「一個人會不會自言自語？」「我會用札記和自己對話，」她回答。單身「自處」的能力很重要，無聊只是短暫的，有人即使兒孫繞膝，或有伴侶在側，卻感覺孤單得不得了，認為沒有被關心了解，而且還是一輩子擺脫不掉的關係，更恐怖！

國內有一家連鎖便利商店推出「兩人同行、買一送一」活動，蘭萱向對方提出抗議，「這是變相歧視（單身），一個人就不能打折啊？」

不婚族既已成為社會主流之一，蘭萱呼籲，整體社會應營造「單身友善環境」。譬如，適合一個人用餐的餐廳，居住場所的安全性等，在歐美有管理很好的單身公寓，包括家具、洗衣機、交誼廳，提供生活機能完整的公共設施，幫助單身族找到安身立命的生活空間。

不婚族保持快樂的12個祕訣

• 文章出處：康健雜誌143期
• 2010.10.01
• 作者 ： 王梅
• 圖片來源 ： 天下資料

一個人過日子，需要更多的紀律與自制力，找到生活訣竅，可以增加幸福感。

1不婚絕不是悲劇
單身很容易被歸類為悲劇模式，被人拋棄、受到打擊。黃明堅就曾經理直氣壯指出，「不必替單身貼上悲慘淒涼的標籤，我不是沒人要，而是我不要別人。」

兩人世界常被刻意塑造成幸福美滿的幻象，但人生不是從結婚才開始，結了婚也不見得就是喜劇收場。八點檔連續劇最常出現的情節，就是婚姻裡一大堆的衝突矛盾，夫妻、婆媳、親子之間的恩恩怨怨，沒完沒了；反倒是單身男女，顯得逍遙篤定。

2量身訂做親密關係
不婚與談不談戀愛無關，照樣可以有伴侶、享受性生活，只要雙方有共識和默契，可以用任何一種形式來維繫感情，心甘情願的在一起，或許比靠一紙婚約更堅固。

歐洲的一項調查指出，同居的伴侶甚至比一般夫妻分手的比例更低。

3人際關係，不需勉強
很多人會說，「既然老大不小了，就湊合湊合吧。」蘭萱很不以為然，「即使到了中年，並不代表『貶值』，不必委屈自己，交朋友寧缺勿濫。」況且，真要湊合，也要彼此順眼，她建議結交擁有共同嗜好或價值觀相近的朋友，容易溝通，友情才能持久。

4謹守自己的生活步調確保個人作息時間
單身族不是天天泡夜店，一個人生活反而需要更多的紀律與自制力。蘭萱不諱言，20、30歲處於體力旺盛階段，也許經常與朋友相約上KTV，唱到欲罷不能，到了35歲以後偃兵息鼓，傾向較靜態或者大自然的活動。

維持簡單生活是最高原則，能量來自粗茶淡飯。

5做自己最好的朋友
討好自己，不為別人而活，才是快樂的正途。只要不傷害別人，每個人都有權選擇自己的生活方式，站在別人的眼光之外，並且相信自己的價值觀也同樣值得被尊重與體諒。

6找到自己的核心價值
唸大學時蘭萱深受哲學家尼采啟迪，不管是男人、女人，都要成為有價值的「人」。蘭萱對大眾傳播工作具有高度熱情，認為可以實踐理想與社會公益，並自許成為一名「對社會有貢獻的知識傳播者」。譬如，每個星期固定在廣播節目裡替聽眾介紹一本書。

7懂得品嚐孤獨的樂趣但也喜歡與人相會
寂寞和單身無關，對抗寂寞並不需要混入人群，可以自己找快樂，看書、看電影、運動、學習技藝等等。

雖說單身族不需要用人群來肯定自己，但也不必拒人於千里之外，如果不想變成自閉族，反而需好好經營人際關係，更懂得珍惜朋友。

8喜歡旅行
根據心理學理論，人在形體上與心理上都需要「空間」來安頓自己。旅行是為自己找到「大空間」，擺脫日常的使命、身份、牽絆，在不受干擾的狀態下，天地、時光都在掌握之中，從更大的視野回頭檢視，和自己真心深入交談，找到更接近真實的人生定位。

9打掃屋子，妝扮自己
單身沒有懶惰的自由，必須一肩挑起所有清理、修整的工作。「我在家修理廁所漏水，才剛修好馬桶，發現洗臉盆也壞了，」黃明堅忍不住自嘲，這個時候就會羨慕 已婚的人可以找一個人來分擔。但她馬上想到，結婚後的家務事大都也是落在女性頭上，「我只好抓起並不浪漫的拖把，心甘情願去拖地。」

不光是居住的環境，外表也需要打理，雖然不需要為誰打扮，但生命本來就該光彩亮麗。維持神清氣爽，就是善待自己。

10做好理財規劃
雖然說，單身的好處之一是「一個人飽，全家都飽」，但保持快樂單身的另一個祕訣，就是一定要做好財務管理，它幾乎是老年唯一的依靠。譬如適當比例的投資、保險及定存，如果漫無算計，隨手花錢，只怕弄到老年捉襟見肘、必須領社會救濟的窘境。

11好奇心與健康的身體
《一個人，最好》作者橋田壽賀子女士，年過50歲才開始學游泳。她說，造成老化不是因為年齡，而是對新事物缺乏學習意願以及沒有鍛鍊身體。學習是內在能量的來源，健康則是人生的本錢。

12養寵物與培養嗜好
養寵物的好處是陪伴，甚至可以排解煩悶憂鬱；擁有個人嗜好可以讓心靈得到寄託，增加幸福感。

Bill Gates, Warren Buffett And Oprah All Use The 5-Hour Rule

Top business leaders often spend five hours per week doing deliberate learning.

By Empact

@iempact

 

In the article "Malcolm Gladwell got us wrong", the researchers behind the 10,000-hour rule set the record straight: different fields require different amounts of deliberate practice in order to become world class.
If 10,000 hours isn't an absolute rule that applies across fields, what does it really take to become world class in the world of work?
Over the last year, I've explored the personal history of many widely-admired business leaders like Elon Musk, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg in order to understand how they apply the principles of deliberate practice.
What I've done does not qualify as an academic study, but it does reveal a surprising pattern.
Many of these leaders, despite being extremely busy, set aside at least an hour a day (or five hours a week) over their entire career for activities that could be classified as deliberate practice or learning.
I call this phenomenon the 5-hour rule.

How the best leaders follow the 5-hour rule

For the leaders I tracked, the 5-hour rule often fell into three buckets: reading, reflection, and experimentation.

1. Read

According to an HBR article, "Nike founder Phil Knight so reveres his library that in it you have to take off your shoes and bow."
Oprah Winfrey credits books with much of her success: "Books were my pass to personal freedom." She has shared her reading habit with the world via her book club.
These two are not alone. Consider the extreme reading habits of other billionaire entrepreneurs:

• Warren Buffett spends five to six hours per day reading five newspapers and 500 pages of corporate reports.
  
• Bill Gates reads 50 books per year.
  
• Mark Zuckerberg reads at least one book every two weeks.
  
• Elon Musk grew up reading two books a day, according to his brother.
  
• Mark Cuban reads more than 3 hours every day.
  
• Arthur Blank, co-founder of Home Depot, reads two hours a day.
  
• Billionaire entrepreneur David Rubenstein reads six books a week.
  
• Dan Gilbert, self-made billionaire and owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, reads one to two hours a day.

​Want to read the most-recommended books by top leaders like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Sheryl Sandberg, and Elon Musk? I created a report that highlights the most-recommended books of 60 top CEOs, entrepreneurs, and leaders.

2. Reflect

Other times, the 5-hour rule takes the form of reflection and thinking time.
AOL CEO Tim Armstrong makes his senior team spend four hours per week just thinking. Jack Dorsey is a serial wanderer. LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner schedules two hours of thinking time per day. Brian Scudamore, the founder of the 250 million-dollar company, O2E Brands, spends 10 hours a week just thinking.
When Reid Hoffman needs help thinking through an idea, he calls one of his pals: Peter Thiel, Max Levchin, or Elon Musk. When billionaire Ray Dalio makes a mistake, he logs it into a system that is public to all employees at his company. Then, he schedules time with his team to find the root cause. Billionaire entrepreneur Sara Blakely is a long-time journaler. In one interview, she shared that she has over 20 notebooks where she logged the terrible things that happened to her and the gifts that have unfolded as a result.
If you want to be in to company of others who reflect on what they're learning with each other, join this Facebook group.

3. Experiment

Finally, the 5-hour rule takes the form of rapid experimentation.
Throughout his life, Ben Franklin set aside time for experimentation, masterminding with like-minded individuals, and tracking his virtues. Google famously allowed employees to experiment with new projects with 20% of their work time. Facebook encourages experimentation through Hack-A-Months.
The largest example of experimentation might be Thomas Edison. Even though he was a genius, Edison approached new inventions with humility. He would identify every possible solution and then systematically test each one of them. According to one of his biographers, "Although he understood the theories of his day, he found them useless in solving unknown problems."
He took the approach to such an extreme that his competitor, Nikola Tesla, had this to say about the trial-and-error approach: "If [Edison] had a needle to find in a haystack, he would not stop to reason where it was most likely to be, he would proceed at once with the feverish diligence of the bee to examine straw after straw until he found the object of his search."

The power of the 5-hour rule: improvement rate

People who apply the 5-hour rule in the world of work have an advantage. The idea of deliberate practice versus just working hard is often confused. Also, most professionals focus on productivity and efficiency, not improvement rate. As a result, just five hours of deliberate learning a week can set you apart.
Billionaire entrepreneur Marc Andreessen poignantly talked about improvement rate in a recent interview. "I think the archetype/myth of the 22-year-old founder has been blown completely out of proportion... I think skill acquisition, literally the acquisition of skills and how to do things, is just dramatically underrated. People are overvaluing the value of just jumping into the deep-end of the pool, because like the reality is that people who jump into the deep end of the pool drown. Like, there's a reason why there are so many stories about Mark Zuckerberg. There aren't that many Mark Zuckerbergs. Most of them are still floating face down in the pool. And so, for most of us, it's a good idea to get skills."
Later in the interview he adds, "The really great CEOs, if you spend time with them, you would find this to be true of Mark [Zuckerberg] today or of any of the great CEOs of today or the past, they are really encyclopedic of their knowledge of how to run a company, and it's very hard to just intuit all of that in your early 20s. The path that makes much more sense for most people is to spend 5-10 years getting skills."

We should look at the 5-hour rule like we look at exercise.

We need to move beyond the cliche, "Life-long learning is good," and think more deeply about what the minimum amount of learning the average person should do per day in order to have a sustainable and successful career.
Just as we have minimum recommended dosages of vitamins, steps per day, and aerobic exercise for leading a healthy life physically, we should be more rigorous about how we as an information society think about the minimum doses of deliberate learning for leading a healthy life economically.
The long-term effects of NOT learning are just as insidious as the long-term effects of not having a healthy lifestyle. The CEO of AT&T makes this point loud and clear in an interview with the New York Times; he says that those who don't spend at least 5 to 10 hours a week learning online "will obsolete themselves with technology."
-- This article was written by Michael Simmons, co-founder of Empact, with Ian Chew and Shizuka Ebata.

微調五個地方，每天開心醒來

壓力與成功之間的翹翹板
我們都知道情緒對人的影響有多大。知道有成堆工作在公司等著，我們早上會下不了床；被朋友耍冷逗笑後我們會神采飛揚；壓力一大我們的記憶力會失常； 疲倦的時候我們的句子會跑錯場。看到超強小朋友的神表演，我們會因為感動而有一股溫暖的感覺在胸口蔓延；在森林裡漫步一段時間，我們會感覺到平靜在頭頂上 盤旋。被某個白目的同事給惹到，我們會把一整盤的布朗尼給消滅。
人所有的情緒，包括正面與負面的心情，都會深深地影響到我們的身體與大腦運行。一般人都不陌生的應該是壓力下的反應：我們會面臨「或戰或降」的抉擇。我們一感覺到受到威脅，或因為失眠或受涼造成我們生理上很疲累，人體就會分泌釋出可體松或腎上腺素等「壓力荷爾蒙」。
不要以為這樣就完了。人體中負責「或戰或降」決策的「主管機關」也會參一腳，釋放出化學的信差（傳導物質）來觸發恐懼的反應，然後勁爆的是順便抑制 前額葉皮質層 (prefrontal cortex) 的大腦活動。但這裡就是我們思考時要用到的地方啊！有腦前額葉的輔佐，我們才能專心，才能避免掉那些我們有時候會不小心做出來或說出口的蠢事或壞事，才能 產生出理性的思考。
壓力是現代人的日常
首先，是我們生活的環境裡滿布著認真要數可能有幾百個，甚至是幾千個壓力荷爾蒙引信。這些地雷只要稍微被踩到，壓力荷爾蒙的水壩就會被炸出一個洞，這些人體激素就會像水庫洩洪一樣奔流而下。
當然不是我們所有的煩惱都是在杞人憂天，也不是說我們所有的擔心都那麼膚淺。我們確實會在生命的旅程中受到失敗、失去與疾病的打擊，還有很多人得日復一日地勉力維持家計。這些都是非常真實，也非常難處理的壓力。
第二點，可能也更重要的一點是我們的心生病了，原因在於我們變得對壓力的經驗敏感。壓力本身會改變我們未來面對壓力的態度與能力，而且是變壞而不是 變好。我們腦中的反應模式會呈現一種主人對壓力源「過敏」的狀態。不論是有意識或無意識，我們都會開始對愈來愈小的刺激產生愈來愈大的反應。 糟糕的是這 種生理上的壓力反應會大大衝擊我們的身體健康與幸福感受。
活在當下，擴大眼光
開心的人創意最旺、動機最強、生產力最高，社交能力也會放大。這是因為開心的時候，血液可以自由地朝著前額葉皮質層流淌，而這代表你能在那做出正確 的決策，而不會在壓力下被腦中比較原始而負責直覺的區域給恐嚇。前額葉皮質層負責的是人腦中的「執行」(executive) 功能，所以比起在壓力下，開心的人會顯得比較自律、比較自制、比較快學會困難的事情，學過的事情久了也比較不容易忘記。
放鬆的狀態下，我們看事情也會比較寬廣。反之，在壓力下人的視角會縮小，我們會只看到威脅與立即的危險，也就是俗話說的「見樹不見林」。但當我們開心的時候，我們就會「見樹也見林」。
我們生活中任何一點小小的決定，都多多少少會影響自己的腦部運行。

調整正負比例
我們要探究的是如何透過正面的情緒來創造出自身從容的生理狀態。
任何一個日子裡我們想要達到這樣的目的，首先我們必須熟稔某些途徑。
人為誘發特定的正向情緒
要想從「量」上去增加平日生活中的正向情緒，我們必須把層次拉高，而不能只單純想著「爽」，我們應該要想到的是心滿意足、天賜的幸福、跟人的接觸、 愉悅、嬉鬧、傻呼呼，這些都是屬於「當下」或現在式的正向情緒。另外，我們也可以試著去培養跟「過去」有關的正向情緒（如感激），乃至於與「未來」有關的 正向情緒（如信念、希望、信心、樂觀與期許）。能把我們跟人連結起來的情緒，包括愛與惻隱之心，是正面情緒裡的王者，也是讓世界更美好，讓人生更璀璨的鎖 鑰。

練習感激
感激是非常強大的正面情緒。相對於其他許多的正面情緒，我們有成山的研究指出「幸福的聖盃」裡驗出有顯著的感激成分。而這只是一點點甜頭而已。研究顯示感激的好處可以寫成拉不完的卷軸。

唯一要掌握的竅門，大概只能說是創意與新意了。你得發揮創意，想出個有趣但不困難的辦法來練習，然後每次練習時就去想生活中有什麼全新的人事物令人感激，而你原本就欣賞的元素又有什麼嶄新的面向令人驚喜。

書名：微調五個地方，每天開心醒來
•作者：克莉絲汀．卡特
•原文作者：Christine Carter
•譯者：鄭煥昇
•出版社：李茲文化

責任編輯：劉尊云

5 Ways To Overcome Anxiety And Move Forward

Follow these tips to stop anxiety in its tracks.

Anxiety is the unwelcomed visitor many of us can do without. While nearly 40 million American adults suffer from anxiety disorders, only about one-third seek help. This doesn't have to be you. If you are struggling with anxiety, put these methods to work today and regain control of you well-being.

1. Listen To Your Body

You are a whole being. This means everything is connected. Though anxiety may start in your mind, it can trigger very real physical symptoms like headaches, chest pain, an increased heart rate, dizziness, and numbness in the arms, hands and fingers. Often, physical symptoms can heighten your anxiety, making you worry more. Be still. Find a quite space and focus on your breath. Inhale slowly and deeply, pause, then exhale.

2. Examine Your Lifestyle

You may consider yourself healthy, but what if you are doing things that exacerbate your anxiety without even realizing it? Take a quick personal inventory: Do you maintain a healthy diet? How much caffeine or alcohol do you consume? Are you a smoker? Do you set aside time to regularly exercise or give yourself mental breaks? While these factors may not be the sole reasons you experience anxiety, neglecting to keep a healthy balance in these areas can be more harmful than we realize.

3. Don't Fight It

Waging war with our anxiety seems like a normal response, right? For anyone who has experienced bouts with anxiety, you know logical arguments with yourself don’t always help. When we fight it, it fights back. When we shame it, we inevitably shame ourselves and fuel the negative messages being replayed over and over in our minds. Instead of going to war with anxiety or running from it, sit with it when it comes. Calmly consider what might have triggered it and what your body and mind are trying to tell you.

4. Practice Gratitude

When we get anxious, it's easier to become negative. And it makes sense; anxiety is a response to perceived threats. So, when anxiety begins to creep in, develop a practice of focusing on what you are thankful for to counteract this swing. If the anxiety is work-related, name three things about your job you appreciate. Doing so will help you gain much needed perspective.

5. Talk It Out

Sadly, there is a stigma in our culture that seeking therapy means you are weak or mentally ill. However, this could not be further from the truth. Remember, countless people suffer from anxiety each day, and only a small fraction seeks help. You are not alone! A quick search online can provide a long list of trained professionals willing to help you work through your anxiety. Anxiety is a very real thing, but so is your ability to overcome it and learn how to live in fullness!

Read more: http://www.tdjakes.com/posts/5-ways-to-overcome-anxiety-and-move-forward

2 Ways to Stop Worrying and Overcome Anxiety

Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. How to Be Yourself

Questions you have to ask yourself when thoughts start to spin out of control.

Posted Jun 30, 2016 

 I want explore two big beliefs linked to anxiety. The two aren’t necessarily conscious; they’re more of an invisible undercurrent. But like a riptide, these waters may be dangerous or even pull you under.
1. "The worst-case scenario is sure to happen."
You probably know someone who can find the silver lining of any misfortune: A loved one dies and they are thankful the person's suffering has ended. They've been fired but relish the opportunity to start anew. On the flip side, you probably also know someone who complains about everything: The beach was too sandy. The sangria was too fruity. And you probably know (or are) someone who can imagine a worst-case scenario for any situation: You have a headache? It’s a brain tumor! There’s traffic? Your boss is sure to notice when you walk in late. Vacationing in Cancun for a week? If you drink the water, you’ll be sick the whole time!
This is the dubious power of anxiety—the ability to amplify a situation that’s anything from ambiguous to slightly threatening into a full-on catastrophe. Sometimes this is useful—you see your kids hauling a toboggan up the playground slide and assume they’re not just planning on enjoying the view from the top. But other times it’s not so useful: We may foresee big problems in small challenges: You make a mistake at work and dread that you’ll get fired. Your partner doesn’t respond to a text so they must be mad at you. Sometimes we’re not even sure what we’re anxious about; we’re simply convinced that something bad is going to happen.
What should you do when your brain makes Mount Everest out of a molehill?
Challenge it.
When a worst-case scenario starts to freak you out, ask yourself, “How bad would that really be?” In other words, are you truly facing a disaster of epic proportions? For example, “What if we don’t get any offers on the house?” How bad would that be? Take a step back and think. “It wouldn’t be ideal. I’d have to rethink some financial decisions, but I could put it on the market again next year.”
The second question to ask yourself is, “What are the odds?” How probable is it that you really have a brain tumor? Is it more likely that you’re just stressed out or dehydrated? What are the odds that your partner didn’t text you back because she’s mad? Is it possible she’s just busy or that she left her phone in the car?
At least one of these questions—if not both—should address most of your anxious thoughts.
2. "I can’t handle it."
The second reason for anxiety is we think we’re helpless. It makes sense: If we don’t feel prepared, we become anxious.

Anxiety makes us doubt our abilities, and so our fear feels like fact. We feel incapable, so we believe we must be incapable. We feel overwhelmed, so we must be.
What's the best way to fight back when the fear feels real?
Challenge it.
Your magic question here is: “What could I do?” Think of all the resources you can turn to tackle anxieties that could become reality—friends, family, inner strength, health insurance, chutzpah, etc. How would you cope? What could you do?
If you really had a brain tumor (even though you know it’s probably just a headache), what would you do? You would find a good oncologist, take time off from work, adhere to your treatments, and rely on friends and family. It wouldn’t be a cakewalk—it would be really, really hard. But the point is that there are things you could do. The situation wouldn’t be hopeless.
Thankfully, most of our worries aren’t that traumatic. What if your vacation gets rained out? What would you do? Get to know every museum in the city, or buy a really big umbrella and go out in spite of the weather. Worried you’ll never find the right partner? Well, what could you do? Enjoy your life, spend time getting to know people, and trust that the right person will come along eventually. And if they don’t, you’ll still have built a great life with a wide circle of friends. Your worries may seem overwhelming, but you can cope with pretty much anything life throws at you, from curveballs to screwballs.
Bonus: While hunting anxiety in the wilds of your brain, look out for the distinctive plumage of a question mark. Anxious statements are almost always phrased as questions: What if? What then? What now? And questions are slippery—they’re hard to combat, and the answer is almost always negative. When you catch yourself asking questions that begin with "What if..." change your question to a statement and then challenge it. For example, “What if the plane crashes?” is hard to answer positively—that would be a disaster. Change the question to a statement—“The plane is going to crash”—and now you can tackle it by asking, “What are the odds of that happening?”

How to Attract Men in a Way They Can’t Resist! 4 Ways to Attract Any Man

This article is especially for women. Every women wants to attract men. In this article, you will get some simple and non-complicated flirting tips that you can do without actually saying what you want. As experts say, body language is the best way of telling a guy you actually like him or is interested to meet him.
A woman has one of the best flirting tips and that is her smile. Women smile is good weapon to attract any man. Just make sure that you are not staring at him in an intimidating way.

4 Ways to Attract Any Man

1. Be Confident

Whenever you are talking with man, be relaxed and confident with yourself. It means standing tall and taking a deep breath before letting your body language tell what you want to convey to the man you wanted to attract.
This will help you stay calm and look even sexier for him.

2. Using Your Hands and Hair

Another flirting tips for women is their hands and hair. Flicking, touching or stroking your hair can be signs that you are interested in men. You can also leave your hands open to show sign of honesty.
 Stroking your hair while smiling and at the same time do eye contact. This will also send a clue that you like him, but remember one thing, not to overdo.
  
3. Red
Wearing red color is also sending clue. Red is a good color to wear when you want to flirt because it is a sensual color that represents sex and power and gives a notion of excitement among men.
But this should be worn with caution as it may send a wrong signal to the man you are eyeing for.

4. Your Lips

Another effective flirting tips is swaying your lips. Try to attract your men with lips , and with your dress. For you to become noticeable, you may want to wear red lipstick or an interesting pair of earrings.
Aside from the non-verbal flirting techniques mentioned above, knowing how to start small talks and appearing approachable and available will also help you attract a potential boyfriend. Some men love it if a woman would make the first move to talk to them.

But before doing all these make sure that the guy is genuine. Don’t use these to a man you are not sure of or you feel unsafe with. Remember that the most effective flirting tips are the simplest ones. You can still convey to a man that you are interested in him by not being too flirtatious to avoid the perception of being an “easy” girl.

如果恐懼是一片花園，請灌溉，別砍掉

七月 19, 2016 0

有時候……
現實會打擊人，但再厲害的打擊手，都會被三振，所以還是要正面迎擊。
挫折會令人難過，但不經歷挫折又難以長大，所以還是要擁抱挫折。
人是毫無邏輯，不講道理的，但我們可以多花一些時間培養邏輯與說道理，所以還是要愛人。
陌生人會偷走金錢，但真正值錢也偷不走的是勇氣與信念，所以還是要相信陌生人。
主動會帶來拒絕，但拒絕是另一種接受的形式，所以還是要主動。
成功會帶來敵人，但敵人可以變友人，所以還是要成功。
坦誠會帶來傷害，但不坦誠會造成更深的自我傷害，所以還是要坦誠。
信任會帶來背叛，但背叛是因為別人在背後，自己忘了轉身，所以還是要信任。
熱情會遇見冷漠，但人在愈冷的天氣才愈需要取暖，所以還是要熱情。
夢想是脆弱的，但沒夢想會變得更脆弱，所以還是要有夢想。

書名：給回來的旅行者
作者：藍白拖

 http://www.read-life.com

4 Facts You Never Knew About Your Emotions Hormones

Hormones, your diet, even Facebook—they can all toy with your emotions. Take charge and prime yourself for ultimate mental well-being.

By Hallie Levine 

 

Fact No. 1: Depression doesn't always mean sadness
For more than half of people with the diagnosis, irritability and anger are the most prominent symptoms. In fact, those emotions are associated with more severe depression, according to a 2013 study. "Patients report that it doesn't take much to set them off," says Philip R. Muskin, MD, professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center. "They bicker with their spouses as soon as they walk in the door or get upset over little annoyances, such as spilled milk."

Also keep an eye out for these symptoms: difficulty concentrating, remembering things and making decisions; losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, like having sex; and appetite changes (one common complaint is that food has grown tasteless). Finally, you may feel as slow as molasses—your thinking, reactions and even physical movements could become sluggish. It's also not uncommon to have trouble sleeping, adds Dr. Muskin: People who are depressed often wake up in the wee hours with no idea why.

Fact No. 2: Therapy really works
Research overwhelmingly shows that talk therapy can help with depression, either alone or in combination with medication. While a 2013 review of nearly 200 studies found that no single method was significantly better than any other, you may want to consider a form called mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT), which teaches a blend of Eastern meditation techniques and practical skills to counter damaging thoughts. In a 2015 U.K. study, one group of subjects phased out their use of antidepressants while attending eight group MBCT sessions and practicing at home; another group stayed on antidepressants and did not receive therapy. Both treatments showed similar success rates after two years. (A little more than half the people in each group avoided a relapse.)

"When you're depressed, your view of life becomes distorted, and you may not notice how your mood can spiral downward," explains Simon Rego, PsyD, director of the Cognitive Behavior Therapy Training Program at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. "But mindfulness training helps you become more present in the moment, which in turn lets you detach from destructive thought patterns."

Like any new practice, MBCT takes an investment of time (and often money) to start. The advantage is that it offers tools you can use your whole life, says Rego.

There are many varieties of therapy; your provider may use a combination of techniques, depending on her training and your specific needs. Here, a few common types.

Cognitive behavioral therapy: Aims to help you identify and change negative thought processes and habits.

Psychodynamic therapy and psychoanalysis: Work to raise awareness of how your past experiences and relationship patterns affect the way you feel and act.

Behavioral activation: Encourages you to do pleasurable activities (like exercising or hanging out with friends) to boost your mood.

Interpersonal therapy: Focuses on improving your relationships with others.

Problem-solving therapy: Helps you strengthen your ability to deal with stressful experiences.

Social skills therapy: Teaches communication techniques that can be applied to everyday situations.

Supportive counseling: Assists you through a stressful event (such as a death in the family or a divorce) and helps you develop coping strategies.

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Fact No. 3: Foods can boost your mood
"In my opinion, food is one of the most powerful weapons we have in our arsenal when it comes to fighting depression," says Dr. Ramsey, co-author of The Happiness Diet. A study published in June backs him up: Researchers found that higher consumption of fiber, whole grains and produce had protective effects—while a diet packed with added sugars and refined grains was associated with increased risk. Dr. Ramsey's five suggestions for your grocery list:

Leafy greens: Try to eat at least one serving a day, urges Dr. Ramsey. Veggies like kale, spinach and Swiss chard are rich in folate, which is critical for making serotonin and dopamine.

Seafood: Women who ate fish at least twice a week had a 25 percent lower risk of depression than those who consumed fish less often, according to a 2014 Australian study. Shellfish count, too, says Dr. Ramsey.

Beans: Beans can help improve mood, says Dr. Ramsey, because their prebiotic fiber feeds the beneficial bacteria in our intestines, which play a role in regulating inflammation and brain health.

Nuts: A 2013 Spanish study showed that a Mediterranean diet supplemented with an ounce of nuts per day reduced a person's risk of depression by about 20 percent. Nuts appear to help prevent low levels of the healthy-brain compound BDNF.

Dark chocolate: Snack on one small square of a bar that's at least 70 percent cacao. The dark stuff possesses compounds that help increase blood flow to the brain.

Fact No. 4: Perimenopausal mood swings don't last
Doctors once thought that the natural drop in estrogen that occurs after menopause makes women more vulnerable to depression, says Pauline Maki, PhD, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Illinois at Chicago. But research has turned that theory sideways, finding that women were experiencing an uptick in bad moods during perimenopause. "We realized that it was hormone fluctuations—not the final drop in estrogen—that made the difference," says Maki. The good news is that those ups and downs will come to an end; like hot flashes, they should disappear once your hormones become stable again. But if the irritable dips are interfering with your everyday life, talk to your ob-gyn. Maki says that oral contraceptives are one effective approach. Your doc may suggest taking an SSRI as well.

13 Things People With Anxiety Want You to Know

For starters, we can’t just stop worrying.

By Andrea Barbalich, RealSimple.com

July 12, 2016 

 

“People think of anxiety as a character in a Woody Allen film,” says Jamie Howard, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in the Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute in New York City. “People who have it are kind of neurotic. They’re being silly, and they should just knock it off.” While this portrayal may be funny in a movie, it’s anything but for those who are coping with the disorder. And that’s a big number: Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 18 percent of adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Here are a few things those 40 million people would really like you to know.

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1. We don't like worrying.

It’s a common view that people with an anxiety disorder want to worry. Not so, says Howard: “They would like to be more carefree.” But they can’t because a biological misfiring in their brain that causes them to feel threatened even when they’re safe. “They believe that what they’re worrying about is a legitimate threat,” she says. “They believe it’s in their best interest to worry about it.”

2. Anxiety doesn’t just affect our mind. It affects our body too.

“When you have an anxiety disorder, your whole fight-or-flight response takes off,” Howard says. “Your brain interprets a situation as threatening and sends a signal to your body to deal with it.” Your body in turn has a strong physical reaction: a rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, sweating, and trembling. “It’s very difficult to feel that much distress and be that alarmed by so many small things in your world,” she says.

3. Decisions are difficult for us.

Given how the body reacts, the person with anxiety feels a strong physical urge to avoid the situation causing the problem. So whether it’s choosing a piece of furniture for the living room or finishing a paper for a college class, people with anxiety become paralyzed by it. What’s difficult but doable for most people is nearly impossible for them.

4. We may seem lazy. But we’re actually perfectionists.

“The inability to get things done may look like procrastination or laziness,” says Howard, “but it’s not as simple as that.” Underneath is fear: “Very bright students don’t turn in a paper because they’re worried someone won’t think it’s good. They’re not in danger, but their body perceives the situation as such a big threat that they avoid it.” They wind up hurting themselves, she says: “They wish they could turn that paper in.”

5. We feel like failures—and sometimes we are.

Not being able to do seemingly simple things isn’t much of a confidence booster. The thought that “I can’t do that” is ever present—and makes people with anxiety want to avoid situations that make them feel even more like failures. So smart kids will end up failing classes or smart adults will have trouble at work because they can’t meet deadlines.

6. We're not antisocial.

Anxiety affects people’s social lives too. Many people with anxiety won’t go out with their friends, for example, because being in a large crowd or drinking alcohol triggers an out-of-control feeling. “So they get labeled as someone who isn’t fun,” says Howard. “But it’s not true. They would love to be able to go out, but they feel scared.” Their friends take it personally, but it’s not personal. It’s a perception of threat. “They lose friends because they never accept invitations.”

7. We appreciate your empathy...

Some supportive things to say: “You seem really anxious. That must be horrible. Is there anything I can do to help?”

8. …but always accommodating us isn’t helpful.

Say you’re having a party and you want to invite 10 people, and you know your friend with anxiety won’t come if you have more than three. Don’t cut down your guest list. “Go ahead and have the party and tell your friend you hope she can be there,” Howard says. It may sound cruel, but it’s actually kind. “Avoidance is what maintains the anxiety," she says. So if you’re helping your friend sidestep a situation that makes her uncomfortable, you’re not doing her any favors. A more supportive approach: “See your friend separately in a smaller group, but keep inviting her to the larger party. If she’s receiving good treatment, she’ll be coached to face her fears.”

9. We're not weak.

People with anxiety disorders are actually coping with a lot more than the average person. They get criticized (“You mean you can’t just pick out a sofa?”), but the person who says that can pick out a sofa without any physical reaction. “If you don’t put yourself in other people’s shoes, you think they’re being dramatic and making life more difficult than it needs to be,” says Howard.

10. It's not your job to fix us...

You can’t make people with anxiety more functional and less anxious. Likewise, pep talks trying to force people to do things they don’t want to do aren’t going to work. “It feels invalidating because it’s usually coming from someone who doesn’t grasp how challenging it is for people to do that they’re being asked to do,” says Howard.

11. …but a qualified mental-health professional can help.

Anxiety disorders are very treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy, sometimes accompanied by medication (for moderate to severe cases).

12. We're a work in progress.

Treatment takes a minimum of 12 weeks. “Many people will see some improvement in that time, and for some people you’ll see it quickly if it’s a simple, straightforward case of anxiety,” says Howard. “But more severe cases will take longer and the improvement will be smaller.” Either way, they don’t get better overnight.

13. And in the meantime, remember that we’re about more than our disorder.

“It’s not their personality. It’s not who they are,” says Howard. “An anxiety disorder is an illness they’re struggling with and that has consequences, but they shouldn’t be defined by it.”

This article originally appeared on RealSimple.com.

Why Breakups Are So Crushing for Some and So Easy for Others

Mariana Bockarova Ph.D. Romantically Attached

3 reasons we get trapped in the past—and the way out.

Posted Jul 17, 2016 

 In the three years since Sabrina, now 29, and her boyfriend of one year parted ways, she remained heartbroken and unable to truly move on. While friends and family urged her to let the memory of her ex go, she secretly held out hope that one day he would return. He, on the other hand, had moved on swiftly after the split and began dating happily without giving her much thought at all.
Why do some suffer in the aftermath of a breakup, while others seem not only to survive, but thrive?
From a neurobiological perspective, as we now know, love in the brain is similar to addiction. When we fall in love, our brains are flooded with a host of "feel good" neurochemicals, including adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and, if the bond with our partner is particularly strong, oxytocin. These chemicals cause us to feel highly motivated to stay up at all hours of the night talking to the object of our affection, thinking about him or her for what seems like every minute of every day, and, of course, going to inexplicable lengths to do things we could have never possibly imagined doing for another human being. As the infamous Proclaimers song goes, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door."
However, as our relationship progresses and we begin to settle into daily life with our partner, those neurochemicals tend to settle, too. This is ultimately for the best: It would be quite costly to live a life where we think about our partner day in and day out; we'd never get anything done. Nevertheless, when a breakup occurs, our brains revert back to the heightened feelings of love we once had. This is because, without the love we've grown accustomed to, the reward center of our brain becomes desperate for the feedback it once received, and it continues releasing neurochemicals as a way to motivate us to re-attach. Without a partner, however, there is no reward. As a result, we feel terrible, even debilitating heartache, which the brain cannot separate from physical pain.
Why is this process so painful? From an evolutionary perspective, we are built to bond; it helps guarantee our survival as a species. And while we have evolved, these deep rooted parts of our brain have not. Losing a bond is painful so that we feel encouraged to avoid the pain, re-attach to another, and bond again. Still, the neuro-biological perspective doesn't particularly explain why some individuals move on from relationships with ease, despite going through a similar weaning process, while others remain addicted and heartbroken.
When it comes to broken relationships, barring abuse, trauma or mental illness, one major hindrance to moving on is the romanticized belief that there can only be one "true love" for us in the world. From this perspective, love occurs at first sight and it can conquer all. If we are wedded to the idea that there is only one person out there for us, and that we had found our soul mate in the man or woman who just broke up with us, overriding these deep-rooted beliefs about love can be a challenge. What can be particularly painful is not understanding that our former partner may have a different belief about love, seeing it less as a consequence of destiny and more as a process of growth, compatibility, and meeting each other's needs.

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If you hold romanticized beliefs, one way to start the healing process after a breakup is to acknowledge that if your former partner were indeed your soul mate, then he or she likely would not have dissolved the relationship. Similarly, it can help to start reappraising your romanticized beliefs to think about love as a process which can be experienced multiple times with multiple people throughout the lifespan.
Another reason why we may hold onto old feelings may depend on our attachment style. Of the three main ways in which we can attach to another person romantically, those with an anxious attachment style (about 21 percent of the population) tend to be more dependent on their partners during a relationship and experience the greatest difficulty moving on. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, people with an anxious attachment style are more likely to ruminate and even stalk an ex, particularly if they were on the receiving end of the breakup. This hampers moving on, as psychological distance is crucial for a clean break. Deleting pictures, emails, texts, and the contact information of your past partner, and avoiding places which remind you of him or her can help. Reconnecting with old acquaintances, or making new friends (especially those who have secure attachment styles and can act as role models) can aid in adjusting your own attachment style, which research shows can change over time.
Lastly, because of the Zeigarnik effect—in which people remember incomplete or interrupted tasks more strongly than completed tasks—unfinished business can make it particularly difficult to move on. If you had discussed marriage, children, or future plans in great depth with your ex, it's a natural inclination to want to complete those tasks. Psychological closure can come by writing a final "goodbye" letter to the former partner and either sending it without expecting a response, or simply discarding it once written.
Breakups can be hard to bear, but there is hope for moving on.

4 Reasons Why Change Is Hard, But Worth It

Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. Living Forward

What to do when your thoughts get in the way of your goals.

Posted Jun 30, 2016 

 There is so much written by psychologists, mental health experts, and self-help gurus about the relationship between positive thinking and living a good life that the subject is almost cliché. But one wonders if this message has any impact at all. Recent reports show that depression and suicide rates have steadily risen over the past few decades. Yet research continues to demonstrate that positive thinking is beneficial in numerous ways.
Why is it so difficult to change your way of thinking? As a cognitive psychologist who has spent 15 years dedicated to helping people identify self-limiting thought patterns, as well as someone who has worked hard at changing my own thinking, I have learned a few things about what gets in the way.

1. Simple is often confused with easy. Much of what is written about positive thinking and techniques to retrain your mind makes the process seem quite simple—you should be able to easily put a list of practices into action. And the simpler behavioral changes sound, the guiltier you feel when you don’t do them. When you think making a change is simple, there is a tendency to not fully think about the resources needed to do it, whether it's time, effort, or mental energy. When you try to do something that seems simple and you don’t succeed because you didn’t plan well, you end up feeling more discouraged than ever. The truth is that change is hard, and even making small modifications to our behavior is not easy.
    
2. Understanding isn’t the same as doing.  You have to do something different to change a pattern of behavior. There are no exceptions to this rule. However, something I frequently witness when people are trying to improve their lives is an assumption that understanding is all that is necessary to create change. If you’ve ever read a self-help book or article, understood the message, and yet skipped over the exercises, you know exactly what I mean. This is the equivalent of going to the gym and having someone explain how to use a treadmill but then never getting on it. You don’t see improvement just from understanding; you have to apply the knowledge and take an action to see change.
    
3. Self-blame gets in the way of self-empowerment. Harsh self-criticism is a toxic form of emotional abuse that drags you down and prevents you from living the life you want. Most people don't realize that when we make decisions, we make them based on what we think is best for us at the time. Even when you make a decision that you know you will likely regret, you do so because you're in a frame of mind where you're unable to access the inner power needed to make a different decision. If you were, you would have done things differently. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. But the truth is that we're only able to look back because of how far we have come. If you have the ability to look backward and recognize that you could have made a better decision, it is because you have grown to a place that enables you to see that. You may also have new information that you didn’t have at the time of the original choice. Self-blame is about looking backward at things over which you have no power to change, which generates an even more a negative mindset and negative emotion. This cycle prevents you from benefiting from new insights, moving forward, and making better choices.
    
4. Not knowing it is the only option. You cannot create a positive life with negative thinking. Negative thoughts lead to negative emotions; positive thoughts result in positive emotions. If you want to feel good and lead a happy life, the only option you have is to learn to think positively. I work with many people who argue for the “rightness” of the way they think. They are convinced that their negative view of the world is accurate and that positive thinkers are deluded Pollyannas who don’t face reality. They are convinced that positive thinking won’t work for them. However, all of these people are very unhappy, and it is their thinking that creates their negative emotions. There are no happy negative thinkers. If you want to be right, you can choose to think any way you want. If you want to be happy, you must choose a pattern of thinking that leads to positive emotions.

While changing any habit of thinking is challenging, the choice to think positively can have a profound effect on your life. It is worth the effort to do what you can to empower yourself to do the only thing that will make you feel good.