第三者

痛恨当第三者的人。。
也痛恨找第三者的人。
是爱情价更高，而不管人品道德？
一个第三者所造成的冤孽，是任求神拜佛烧香都没有办法得救赎的。
是世界上最自私的行为。
还有都已经结婚了，还生了成群的儿女，还有什么资格找第三者？
抛妻弃子，道义何在？
所牵连和带来负面的影响不能算清。
两个大罪人还能平静恩爱生活？
每逢夜深人静时，跳动的良心没有一点内疚感？
或昧着良心，大概生活也不好过吧。
爱情没有这样伟大。
真的宁愿孤独一生，也不能作第三者。

10 Ways To Attract The Love Of Your Life

by Annice StarNovember 30, 2016 5:24 AM
 
Before signing up for a dating site, it's become common practice to make a list of desirable qualities we hope to find in our future mates. Honesty, intelligence, and sense of humor make almost every list. Values can involve politics or religion while lifestyle choices cover everything from daily routines to food preferences to dreams for the future.
Once you have a list like this in mind (or if you already do), ask which of the qualities that you listed accurately describe you.
Why do this? Because the Law of Attraction says we can't attract anything we don't already have. That's why relationship coaches advise clients to clean up their own houses first, so to speak. Only then will you be ready to find the kind of person you want to invite inside.
If and when you decide to get into the dating game (online or IRL), focus on embodying the qualities you hope to find in others rather than picking your potential paramours apart. We've all heard horror stories from friends who ventured forth on a dating site only to get discouraged by what they encountered. One never knows whether these seekers really brought their best selves to their endeavor, but you can decide to do so right now. It's not only fair to those you will encounter, but it also demonstrates that you embody the qualities you seek.
Here are 10 ways to use an "ideal mate" list to bring your best to the dating world:

1. If you listed courageous, don't be afraid.

Online dating is the norm in many cities in 2016. It's generally considered safe—as long as you're sensible about it. But what if you are a private person who doesn't want others to know much about you? Obviously, that's going to make things more difficult. Gather up your courage, learn to find comfort in being uncomfortable, and trust that all will be well.

2. If you listed "open," get real and reveal.

Some people compare composing a dating profile to creating your own brand. The theory is that whatever makes you most unique will also be the most attractive quality to your best audience. Personal branding requires digging deep and revealing things about yourself that speak directly to the people you hope to attract. Vulnerability is a prerequisite to intimacy.

3. If you listed "conscientious," read profiles.

This sounds like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many online daters barely skim profiles. Learn to look for words and phrases that suggest you and your potential date might be on the same page about whatever is most important to you. Rule of thumb: Spend at least as much time on a profile as you do on photos.

4. If you listed "deep," don't fixate on looks.

We all conjure up immature fantasies of our prince or princess based solely on pictures with great lighting, the most flattering angles, and sunny smiles. But when we meet, we don't look like those people—at least not all the time. Try looking for the sunshine beneath the exterior instead. You said you wanted deep, right?

5. If you listed "curious," ask questions.

How many times have you met a potential partner only to sit through an hourlong monologue? Don't be one of those people. Ask questions and show interest. Most of us like to talk about ourselves, but there needs to be a back and forth. If not, someone leaves feeling ignored.

6. If you listed "honest," tell the truth.

One reason some people don't trust online dating? You can say virtually anything you want in your profile. Lie about your age, post photos from 10 years ago—why not? Well, none of us wants a relationship based on lies, so set that precedent. Tell the truth online, when you meet, and the entire time going forward.

7. If you listed "virtuous," don't ghost.

This is an odd one, but it happens all the time. You meet, there's no spark, and you both sense it. Yet one or both of you suggest doing it again or keeping in touch. Then nothing happens. This is called ghosting and it's both unnecessary and unkind. Try this instead: "I'm not feeling a fit here, but I wish you luck in your search." End of story.

8. If you listed "self-assured," don't take rejection personally.

Not everyone is for everyone. That's obvious. Sometimes attraction is one-sided. So what? That doesn't need to shake your belief in yourself. People come to the dating scene with all kinds of personal baggage, so their rejection may have nothing to do with you. Let them go and get ready to bring your fabulous self to someone who will appreciate all your juicy you-ness.

9. If you listed "perseverance," stick with it.

Dating takes a lot of time. Many compare it to having an extra job. Like any job, it has ups and downs. If you are determined to find your perfect partner, you're going to have to ride the waves and stick with it. Keep your eyes on the prize. But take care of yourself along the way.

10. If you listed "generous," give everyone the benefit of the doubt—including yourself.

Dates are going to do and say things you don't like, and so are you. When this happens, be one of the generous people who forgive humans for being imperfect. Try to keep your heart open despite bumps along the way. Be kind, be gentle, and let unpleasant experiences inform you about how to better your own game. Keep being the person you want to be so you can attract "the one" perfect for you.

The Secrets You Should ALWAYS Keep From Your Partner

by Rhonda MilradMarch 1, 2017 5:25 AM









I believe some things are better left unsaid. Despite wanting total honesty in your relationship, there are times where there is no upside to sharing certain details with your partner. In fact, your sharing will not only cause hurt feelings, but might also cause a lasting negative effect. The irreparable harm will likely not be worth it.
Here are five instances in which total transparency might do more harm than good:

1. Anything negative that your family or friends have said about them.

It's best if you don’t share the initial negative reactions that a loved one may have had to your partner. It is easy to be hurt by these comments and hard to recover from it. Your partner will always remember that it was said and later on, they may resurrect it as evidence that your family or friend never liked them from the start.

2. Criticisms of their family.

They may find the same things annoying, but they don’t want you pointing them out. Partners often get defensive when confronted with these insights and you ending up feeling attacked and potentially concerned that your partner has a weird enmeshment with their family.

3. The great sex you had with past lovers.

Most people are insecure about their lovemaking and want to hear how they are the best lover you have ever had. There is no need to share about the hot sex that you had with others and to fuel that insecurity. Your partner will not only become insecure, but will be haunted by images of you having great sex with an ex. And there is nothing worse for sexual performance than a mind running rampant with fears of inadequacy.

4. A desire for them to be more financially successful.

You support their desire to pursue their passion and try to make a business work, but there are days when you wish they would hang it up, grow up and find a more financially stable career. But beware, your comments will feel unsupportive and hurtful to your partner, especially if they have had issues with feeling belittled, marginalized or “not seen” in their family of origin.

5. Sexual fantasies about their friend(s).

This is never going to end well. It will trigger, insecurity and jealousy and cause your partner to be suspicious. You will be watched in the person’s presence, your interactions will be scrutinized and innocent behavior will begin to appear suspicious. Don’t open this door. And do your best to quell this kind of thoughts in general. It's a dangerous road to go down.
Relationships are challenging enough without adding the unnecessary stress of revelations that may linger permanently in a person’s mind. Sometimes, holding back and using discretion is the best option.

My sincerest invitation

How To Tell If Someone Loves You (Even If They Don't Say It)

by Sandy WeinerJanuary 9, 2017 5:31 AM
 
I received the below question from someone recently, and it reminded me how difficult it can be to distinguish the things that truly matter in a relationship from the things that we have been told "should" matter.
Question: I've been dating Josh for about three months. He's a great guy, good-looking, smart, and most importantly, he treats me with respect. However, I've had a tough dating and relationship history. I was engaged to a guy who never followed through with his promises and broke off the engagement. I was married to a man who cheated. As you can imagine, trust has been difficult for me.
I've been working on myself, and I now love and respect myself so much more. Because of that, I've been able to slowly develop this wonderful relationship. I don't want things to go wrong.
Here's the problem: Josh has never said, "I love you." I feel that he really cares, but I'd feel so much better if I heard those words. Am I being silly or insecure? Or should I be concerned if he doesn't say those three magic words?
Here's what I told her. I hope it helps you, too.
Josh sounds like he's a good partner for you. He respects and cherishes you, which is fundamental to a lasting relationship. He honors and values you because you've learned to love yourself and to stop tolerating liars and cheaters.
It sounds like this is a much healthier relationship than you've ever experienced. Let's celebrate that!
You ask about those three little words; when is the right time to say, "I love you"? It sounds like you're ready to profess your love, and he might not be there yet. Here's how to know where you stand.

Watch his actions, not his words.

If he's showing you that he cares for you, that's what matters most. As you probably know, words are not as important as follow-through and consistency.
I would be more concerned if he said "I love you" after only four dates, and his actions didn't match up. How do you know if his actions mean that he loves you? I have created an assessment to help you figure out if someone loves you, whether they've said it or not:

• Is this person calling and texting consistently?
• Do you get together on a regular basis?
• Is the relationship escalating and growing?
• Do you feel valued and cherished by this person?
• Do you feel safe with them (emotionally and physically)?
• Are they considerate, kind, and thoughtful?
• Do you feel good about the relationship when you're with them AND when you're not?
• Is this person open to talking things out when you disagree?

If you can answer "yes" to all of the questions above, that person cares deeply about you and prioritizes you in their life.
It's helpful to know that people express their love in many different ways, and it's not always in the way that we expect. In the wonderful book, The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman lists the five ways of expressing love as follows:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Giving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

I suggest you take the love languages assessment to find out what your preferred language of expression is. I highly recommend that you ask Josh to do the same so you can learn his love language too.
Understanding the way you each express love is one of the keys to accepting and embracing your partner. It can lessen the anxiety you feel when you aren't getting what you need in a relationship.

So, is it really important to hear the words "I love you"?

I believe those three words are highly overrated. They can be meaningful if they're said in the right context and with sincerity. But they can mean different things to different people. To one partner, "I love you" means "I think you might be the ONE I've been searching for my whole life." To the other, "I love you" means "I like you a lot, and I want to sleep with you."
There are many other ways to express your love. So, remember to watch what he does more than what he says. Understand each other's love languages. And once you've done that, you'll be able to take a deep breath and stop worrying so much about whether or not someone says I love you. Do you feel loved? That's all that matters.

11 Ways To Attract Your Soulmate

It seems that it takes a lot of work to find a soul mate. We go through life with a million expectations of what we want in a partner. We get on sites for online dating. We go to Meet-ups to try and meet them. We go through countless processing and debating to find that one. It doesn’t have to be so difficult. Your soul mate is out there waiting to align with you.

Here are 11 ways to attract your soulmate into your life:

1. Be happy.

Joy is contagious. We gravitate towards laughter. Joy is a high vibration in our bodies. When we take life with this high frequency we get to attract the things we want. No one wants to be in an unhealthy relationship. Happiness is a fantastic road that forces others to travel along with you.

2. Be truthful.

Do you know what you want in a partner? Be honest of the things you want and those you will not tolerate. You cannot attract your soul mate based on misconceptions and lies. You need to be honest and truthful with yourself. You are the only person who knows what you can live with and those things you cannot.

3. Don’t settle for right now.

You cannot attract your soul mate if you are entertaining someone in the meantime to fill an empty space. You are not required to be alone forever, but the universe cannot provide a life partner while you are holding on to someone that you know is not right for you. Let go of the idea of loneliness.

4. Use visualization.

We all have an ideal persona of what we want in a mate. Use this to attract your soul mate. Make a vision board. Write down in a journal the qualities you want in your partner. Make clear intentions of what you want as a lover, a partner, a friend and a parent for your children (those you have and those you want in the future).

5. Heal past wounds.

You cannot attract a healthy relationship when you are carrying the wounds from an old relationship. You cannot feed love into a partnership when you are still hung up on someone else full of resentments and regrets. Those things will not allow for a wonderful person to partake in your life. You might just be attracting the same type of person, repeating the same painful lessons.

6. Make your life a playground.

You must play alone in order to share with another. Enjoy the ability to be with yourself. Get creative. Take classes and pick up a hobby that enriches your soul. Another person is not going to cure you from loneliness. It might even exaggerate those emotions. You have to learn to entertain yourself and enjoy the childlike moments that are fragments of your wholeness.

7. Forgive yourself.

Why is forgiveness important when attracting a soul mate? Because forgiveness sets you free. It allows your vibration to rise and feel no more pain. Forgiveness is never for another. It is an act of letting go of all past emotions and what drama you played in the past. It’s okay. You are okay. Forgiving yourself makes room for true love.

8. Make room in your life.

This is literally and metaphorically. If you want a soul mate you have to make room in all aspects of your life. Clear out a drawer in your bedroom, make room for another person’s clothes in the closet. De-clutter your life mentally and physically. You attract whatever you put out there. If there is no room in your house for someone else how can you expect the universe to align with the right person who will be taking part of your home and your life?

9. Let go of expectations.

No two relationships are the same. Your high expectations of what you will find in a rel
ationship are irrational and will stop the flow of true love. Expectations are dangerous. They are part of a controlling mind. You cannot expect perfection. You can only attract who and what you are. The more loving you are, the more love you attract. Likes attract likes. You cannot be disappointed if you have no expectations.

10. Listen to your intuition.

This is a huge part of your life. Your intuition is an internal GPS guiding you towards the highest good. If you meet someone and it doesn’t feel right or easy, that’s not the person for you. Follow your gut. Your internal guidance will align with the right person. And, when you finally meet that person you will know he/she is your soul mate.

11. Be the love you are wanting to give another.

Love is a seed of hope and grace. When you love and respect yourself to the highest level, another person will love and respect you for it. Do not substitute lust for love. Do not settle for anything less than the way you love yourself. Giving yourself worth attracts another to treat you with utmost love and appreciation. You deserve the acknowledgment, acceptance and unconditional love out there. It all starts with you.

6 Science-Backed Ways To Become More Attractive

by Sajan DevshiAugust 4, 2016 5:50 AM


 
You know Darwin as the father of the evolutionary theory, but you probably wouldn't go to him for dating advice. But you're missing out, because dating, mating, and procreating are all elements of the same evolutionary process. It's all about how we're wired.
Sexiness is basically the combined effect of characteristics the opposite sex is innately programmed to see as "markers" or "signals" for good genetic fitness and reproduction.
Darwin's sexual selection theory explains this in depth, but the overview is this: We are programmed to look for certain signs in prospective mates that help us discern whether or not they'll make a good partner—these signs are physical as well as behavioral. These biological predispositions shape our preferences for a mate irrespective of whether we actually want children.
Men and women look for different markers because our biology is different. Here's how to use this information to become sexier to the opposite gender?

1. Get in shape. (It's obvious, but it's true.)

One of the best things someone of either gender can do to make themselves more appealing to the opposite sex is to get fit. Men tend to place a greater emphasis on appearance than women, but it's not the only factor. The way you look, however, isn't something that only matters to superficial people. It telegraphs good hygiene and personal care—survival skills, if you want to go far enough back in history.
On that note—women, this doesn't mean you need to be model thin. In fact, think of celebrity sex symbols—Beyoncé, Scarlett Johannsson, Jennifer Lopez—they're all curvaceous. Why? Because an hourglass figure is a sign of fertility. Having a little weight on your body shows that you're healthy. You don't need to become a Photoshopped size zero. Just take care of yourself, and the rest will follow.

2. Be confident.

Both sexes are attracted to confidence for obvious reasons. Men, hunters and gatherers, see women who don't need them—who feel perfectly happy without them—as a challenge, which makes them more attractive. And women find strong, capable men sexy because that go-getter attitude could have meant the difference between life and death for a cave-dweller.
Even if you do feel insecure, you can build confidence and self-esteem by focusing on improving yourself in some way. This could mean starting to go to the gym, as we discussed above. It could mean surrounding yourself with positive people who are supportive of you. If people in your life bring you down more than they lift you up, re-evaluate these friendships. Strengthen the more positive ones.

3. Be curious and keep learning.

The key difference between humans and all other animals on the planet is our intelligence. We're also programmed to look for a keen intellect in partners since research suggests genetics do predispose intelligence to some extent. Theories on the formation of relationships say we try to find people who are similar to us but a little bit better.
One way to measure this is intelligence. And there are so many ways to make yourself smarter—or even just make yourself seem smarter. Travel the world to become more cultured and knowledgeable. Read more to increase your vocabulary and improve your employment prospects.

4. Upgrade your wardrobe.

Your wardrobe says a lot about you, and it's actually one of the markers of your creativity. A creative mind is another sign of intelligence and also another marker people look for in potential mates. This is one of the reasons artists (musicians, actors, painters, etc.) and celebrities in general tend to be trendsetters. They have a unique, creative style that we find appealing. If you haven't reshuffled your wardrobe in a while, this may be something to consider.

5. Learn to trust yourself and others.

The ability to trust and give freedom to a partner shows you have a secure attachment. That means you feel positive about yourself and trust that other people won't betray or abandon you.
Being a control freak isn't very attractive. It implies that you're not open-minded or trusting, and that can make it difficult to build a healthy relationship. If you learn to take life with a little more grace, people's attitudes toward you will change in a profound way. Being easygoing makes you so much more approachable (and fun) to the opposite sex.

6. Laugh more.

Humor is another important marker for both genders but tends to rate a bit higher for women. Humor can reinforce a relationship as the positive feelings you get from laughing become associated with the individual. This is called conditioning—the phenomenon in which you associate a person or thing with a certain feeling—in this case, making you feel positive about the person.
These are just some of the things people in the dating world look for, but they're the ones I've found to really make a difference. They all help you stand out from the crowd in a positive way. So, give a couple of these adjustments a try and watch your love life blossom.

找到人生的真實歸屬：當幸福遲到，別著急結婚！

 by Chloe Wu 2015/10/12 33.4k 58
https://womany.net/read/article/8746

我們都可能經歷三個階段：與他人共生，以他人為重，或者過著沒有他不行的生活模式；逐漸脫離共生，開始學會為自己著想，看見自我的界限跟範圍；到慢慢地再與他人融合的階段，那種你相信在過程中不會迷失自我，可以相信和依賴他人的生活模式。但偶而還是會敗給輿論的壓力。該如何克服「眾人皆婚我未婚」的困境，一起聽聽 Chloe 怎麼說。（推薦給你：「30歲，該結婚了？」找到一個人相愛之前，我不結婚）

「有沒有什麼方式可以看出這個人值得託付終身？」你眼神不安地看著我。
「你聽起來很擔心。」我靜靜地回應他。
「對啊！再不快點就要變高齡產婦了！」

（圖片來源：來源）

單身是公害，是國安問題，還是早早成家好，還是早點生孩子好，一次次那些令人恐慌與焦慮與言語不斷放送，不斷播入你腦海的，是一個人在情人節自己吃飯，一個人在聖誕節時沒有另一個溫暖體溫的陪伴。
然後你開始自慚形穢，難道我這麼糟糕嗎？
他們會告訴你。
你知道你那個堂舅嗎？他就是後來都沒娶老婆，你看他現在生病了也沒有家人照顧他，之後也不知道走了之後誰來幫他……（好像一個人是無法過好生活，一定會生病，而且生病沒有人照顧）
你知道你那個姑婆嗎？你看看她，姑丈走了之後又膝下無子，常常看他一個人做在走廊上發呆，還是趕快生個孩子比較好，養兒防老啊！（所以我要趕快在30歲前生完兩個孩子，不然我要獨守青燈了）
一幕幕孤單、落寞、寂寥、悲苦的畫面，不斷在他們的話語裡呈現，在你心中形成恐懼的驅動，讓你不自主地責備自己，讓你亂了自己的步伐。恐懼，是最容易讓人不明所以的亂逃亂竄，造成嚴重的隧道視野，看不清自己也看不清對方，甚至在你絕望時，一片朽木都是快滅頂的拯救者。（寂寞孤單怎麼辦？寂寞與不安症候群：枯等別人安慰的現代人）
「對阿，我是不是要求太高了？」（可是你不懂，你其實想找個聽懂你的人，也是要求高嗎？難道婚姻到最後是無話可聊的陌生人也可以？）

然而他們沒告訴你的是：
誰的婆婆是控制狂，先生是媽寶，婆媳之爭永遠先躲起來。不得已時才出來念老婆幾句，最後還是聽媽媽的話。太太感覺不被支持，每天一肚子牢騷。
誰的太太犧牲青春相夫教子，與先生的對話只剩下柴米油鹽與孩子的教養，二十年後孩子長大了，想追求自己夢想時，又遭到夫家的阻撓和冷嘲熱諷，為自己這些年的付出感到心碎。
誰的丈夫外遇了，卻因為他是家中經濟來源，太太選擇忍氣吞聲，為了孩子為了穩定的經濟繼續待在婚姻裡，卻為著婚姻的背叛感到痛苦與心力憔悴。

他們沒有說，但你都看見了，在你逐漸認識自己的過程裡，你逐漸經濟獨立，你逐漸懂得照顧自己，你其實知道你已經不用像上一代那般依附他人生存，但上一代那股對家族力量與家庭形象的擔憂，彷彿你需要有個家庭，才是完整。（推薦給你：結婚才能加入「成功俱樂部」？單身或結婚，我從來都不屬於誰）
可是，完整一定要要有另一個人的存在嗎？在過去一人一半才是「伴」的概念，你怎麼聽都覺得可怕，你想要的是心的陪伴，而不是共生依存的陪伴，你想要支持的陪伴，而不是因為「伴」而處處為生命帶來限制。
所以親愛的，說到這裡，你還想要為了避免成為高齡產婦而急著結婚嗎？
我們都可能經歷這樣一個階段，從與他人共生，處處為他人著想，以他人為重，或者沒有他不行的的生活模式；逐漸到脫離共生，逐漸為自己著想，清楚自己是誰，看見自我的界限跟範圍；到慢慢地再與他人融合的階段，那種你已經相信自己，也相信在關係中你不會失去自己，你也可以相信和依賴他人的生活模式裡。

你有看見你在哪裡嗎？你清楚你想要什麼嗎？
你的心裡已經可以容納另一個人嗎？你已經可以信任並且依賴了嗎？

當你在不同的階段裡，就會吸引跟你相似狀態的人進到你的生活來。
如果你看到這篇文章，有很大的可能性你在一個脫離的過程中，脫離原有的價值體系，處在模糊、不確定、新的價值與意識形態確立的過程中，也就是你可能在自我覺醒的過程中，因此你會對自己對世界充滿困惑，因為來自社會或父母的聲音都在告訴你，趕快找個人結婚就沒錯，但你知道，你不要這種假性歸屬，為了結婚來讓自己在社會名份上有安全感，這種有一個對象讓你覺得至少不是一個人的安慰感，但更讓你恐慌的是，你知道有一天當你拿掉婚姻，你會根本不知道自己是誰。然後你發現，因為恐慌而結婚，卻也因為恐慌而在痛苦的婚姻中。（你一定要清楚人際界限是什麼！）
所以，你渴望什麼？
你渴望一種，你真正想要的關係，而不是有人想要你要跟你結婚而已。
你渴望一種，你們有心靈和心智上的對談，而不是只談孩子而已。
你渴望一種，你們彼此平行，你可以放心地追求你的生活，而不是你是丈夫與妻子就需要不斷地犧牲與妥協，甚至被迫放棄渴望。

View image | gettyimages.com

親愛的，我相信他們都是為你好，你也是這樣相信。然而在為你好的背後是擔心你孤苦伶仃嗎？還是又有其他，他們對自己生命的擔憂或不滿足呢？
如果你擔心了、困惑了，請你在一次回到自己身上，去看見你在哪裡，以及你渴望什麼，你才有機會找到你的真實歸屬。

和 Chloe Wu 療心
責任編輯：Sihjia

15 Things Men Want In Relationships (But Might Not Tell You)

by Vishnu SubramaniamJune 27, 2016 5:15 AM
 
We love you. We need you. We want you. But what are we really looking for in a woman?
We won’t say out loud, or write it down, or put it in on our online profile, or even talk about it among ourselves.
No, most men are not in the habit of saying what they want. But I can tell you from my own experience, most (if not all) men want and need you to offer them these things:

1. Your kindness.

The world can be cruel and punishing. Our work is rough and our co-workers can be too competitive. We deal with judgment and comparisons by those closest to us. A little less judgment, a little more forgiveness and understanding from the woman we love goes a long way.

2. Your happiness.

Tell us you’re happy. Show us you’re happy. We want to be around you when you’re happy. We’ll be there during the tough times, but want to know that there are plenty of happy times and that we're responsible for some of them. Your happiness is contagious.

3. Your praise and appreciation.

The next time we do something well, tell us you appreciated it and how it improved your life or made you happy. Tell us how it made you feel and what you liked about it. Let us know that you’re grateful we’re in your life and you appreciate our company, contribution, and companionship.

4. Your approval.

We don’t like to admit it, but often we don’t think you approve of what we do, how we behave or live. Take those opportunities when we do get it right to let us know that you approve. Tell us you approve of our decisions, our choices, or the way we handled something. Tell us you’re proud of us.

5. Your touch.

We need your touch, your caress, your kisses. Your intimacy is important to us—maybe a bit too important. When we’re touched, we feel loved. When you’re generous with your affection, you make us feel on top of the world.

6. Your passion.

We want you to want us, to desire us, to tell us that you’re into us. Express your passion to us.

7. Your strength and support.

We need you most when we’re facing challenges in our own lives. While we may not talk about it, we need someone with your quiet strength. We need someone to provide balance, support, and encouragement. Tell us you have our backs when we’re going through our struggles. We may not want to talk about it much, but be there for us when we do need you.

8. Your presence and understanding.

We’re problem-solvers and like to fix things. When dealing with problems, we don’t need solutions as much as we need your presence and understanding. We may not even feel like talking about what we’re experiencing, but you being there, being understanding and supportive is all we need. We just want to know that we’re not alone.

9. Your humility and ability to let go.

We want women who respect us and treat us as their equals. We want women who are willing to compromise and who let go of grudges quickly. If we screwed up, don’t hold it against us forever. Let go of the grudge and give us another chance.

10. Your loyalty.

Like you, we want to feel like we’re the only one in your life. Help us feel more certain of you by showing that you're committed to us. Be there for us when we need you most. Support us when no one else does. Be our committed partner in crime.

11. Your trust.

We value your trust and you trusting in us. We want you to be there for us and want to know that we can count on you when we need you. By the same token, we want you to trust that we’re dependable, committed, and will be there for you when you need us.

12. Your patience.

We’re not perfect, and may not be exactly the man you want just yet. We appreciate your patience in helping us grow into the best version of ourselves we can be. We’re not going to become our highest selves overnight. Your encouragement and patience will give us what we need to transform.

13. Your lightheartedness and laughter.

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, "Life is far too important to be taken seriously." People make mistakes, stumble, and even disappoint each other. While we face difficult, distressing news in the world, we want to be with someone who can still find joy in the little things. Your laughter, humor, and perspective on what matters help us enjoy life more.

14. Your friendship.

We need your friendship first and always. We want to enjoy spending time with you, we want to share your interests, and we want to feel comfortable around you. Cultivate our friendship first and win our heart forever.

15. Your distance (sometimes).

It’s not that we’re all a bunch of cavemen who need as much time alone as we do with you, but we do need to recharge emotionally. The biggest gift you can give us is some time alone and time to pursue the interests we have that you might not share. It keeps us balanced and gives us a chance to miss you.

10 Ways To Use The Law Of Attraction To Get Exactly What You Want (In Love & Everything Else)

by Monica ParikhOctober 14, 2016 4:07 AM 
Monica Parikh is an attorney, writer, and dating coach who aims to empower women to be their best selves and attract healthy, rewarding love. Now, Monica is bringing her in-depth insight and real-world experience to women everywhere. If you’re ready to be the best version of yourself and attract a partner who deserves you, check out Monica’s class: 28 Days To Attracting Your Best Relationship & Building A More Confident You.
In this series of articles, I've been examining the breakup of Deidre and Mac—a couple whose relationship ended on the cusp of their wedding. Deidre is understandably devastated. It's been two months since Mac moved out, and Deidre has heard nothing.
One day, she called me in a panic. Deidre had bumped into an old colleague who innocently asked, "When are you and Mac getting married? He's such a great guy!" Deidre felt like she had been punched in the face. Not wanting to cause a scene, she quickly excused herself. In the safety of her apartment, she broke down in tears.
"Breathe deep," I told her. Then, I gave her the advice I give all my clients:
"It's time to raise your vibrational frequency."
The Law of Attraction states the higher your vibrational frequency, the more abundance, happiness, and prosperity flow into your life. By raising her vibrational frequency, Deidre increases her chances for a positive outcome—with or without her ex.

It often takes space and time to see the ultimate lesson. Be patient.

Regardless of whether you've just suffered a breakup or have been single for a while, it's important to become an inspiring person who draws other healthy people to you. I suggest the following:

1. Love yourself full-out.

Relationships come and go. The one person you can count on through thick and thin is you. So, do you. Treat yourself like gold. Get a massage. Cook a healthy meal and light some candles. Buy yourself a stunning new outfit.
Most importantly, be gentle in your self-talk. Muzzle the negative voice in your head. Would you berate a person who is grieving? If you wouldn't do it to someone else, don't do it to yourself.

2. Believe in the highest and best outcome.

Life can kick you in the teeth. But believe everything happens for a reason—and for your benefit.
In this case, I counseled Deidre to be open to possibilities. She needs to stop clinging to any particular outcome—and instead have faith that the Universe is conspiring in her favor.
Perhaps this time apart is necessary for Deidre and Mac to work through their issues individually and then come back together as stronger and healthier people.
Or, perhaps Mac is not a suitable partner. In which case, Deidre has dodged a bullet, as Mac would have certainly disappeared post-marriage and/or children. What if the Universe is creating space for someone better to enter Deidre's life? Someone who shares her goals, values, and dreams and is in a healthier mental state?
It often takes space and time to see the ultimate lesson. Be patient.

3. Choose light.

In the throes of heartbreak, you'll want to tell the world that your ex is a dog. Ranting feels good in the moment, but it is dishonest. It doesn't speak to your whole relationship. If he was that bad, why did you stay? And why does part of you want him back?
Anger, bitterness, hatred, and resentment are low-vibrational states. They are ugly—and keep you stuck and alone.
Being happy is the best revenge. And, it's extremely attractive. Gratitude, forgiveness, kindness, and joy are high-vibrational states.
High-vibration people understand that happiness does not depend upon perfect circumstances. Instead, it's a choice consciously made every single day.

4. Express gratitude.

Imagine that you cooked an elaborate meal for me. You spent all day shopping, chopping, cleaning, and cooking. When I sat at your table, I scarfed down my food. Then, I got up and left, offering nary a word of thanks. Would you be motivated to keep on making elaborate feasts?
I didn't think so.
Yet, every day, people forget to be grateful for the blessings of their life but then demand greater and greater abundance to flow, despite their ingratitude.
It's hard to be grateful when life has you up against the ropes, gasping for air. But this is when the practice is most important. Be thankful for your health. Be thankful for food. Be thankful for clean running water. Be thankful for your body. Find every last crumb of joy and praise the Universe before you ask for more.

5. Be a diligent watchman of your words and thoughts.

Make no mistake, your words and thoughts create your reality.
I once had two clients in their late 50s. They were equally attractive. Both suffered heartbreak.
The first one, Ms. Glass Half-Full, was always smiling and ebullient. She anticipated good fortune. She would say, "I am going to meet an amazing man. I can't wait!"
The second one, Ms. Glass Half-Empty, was always frowning and complaining. She thought the Universe was never fair to her. She would say, "Men love younger women. I'm too old to find love."
Which of these two do you think had no shortage of dates?
That's right—the one whose words and thoughts were trained toward success.
Don't dwell on negative words or thoughts—unless you're hoping to make them a reality.

6. Meditate.

Throughout the day, you have millions of repetitive, anxious, and negative thoughts (we all do). But you must quiet this chatter, so you can tap into your intuition and raise your vibrational frequency.
A daily meditation practice is integral to achieving this. Start small. Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply in and out. As your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present moment. Ten minutes a day is all you need to reap enormous benefit.
If you're intimidated, consider signing up for a class or doing a guided meditation. I personally love "The Honest Guys"—and they’re free.

7. Exercise.

The greatest creators understand that spiritual, emotional, and physical health are inextricably linked. Exercise is nonnegotiable. In fact, there may be no faster way—except through prayer and meditation—to raise your vibrational state quickly.
You don't have to run a marathon. Instead, take a walk outside. Garden. Ride your bike. Make it a priority to do something physical every single day.

8. Surround yourself with positive people.

Misery loves company. Avoid it at all costs. If you're grieving the loss of love, you have no time to hang out with Debbie Downers—the kind of friends who whine, moan, complain, and are otherwise stuck in negativity. You need to "batten down the hatches"—to keep your head above water in rough seas.
Think about it, if you are dieting, would you go eat dinner with your junk-food-loving friends? Especially the ones who resent the fact that you are trying to eat healthy because you make them feel bad about themselves? The ones who wave pizza and doughnuts in your face, hoping you fall off the wagon? No, you wouldn't. Same with people mired in negativity.
The company you keep will either raise your vibrational frequency or lower it. So, double-down on time with friends and family who empower, celebrate, and motivate you. Reduce time with anyone who exhausts or depletes you.

9. Engage in positive and uplifting growth.

While you'll probably want to play Adele on a loop, resist the temptation. Lamenting the loss of love day after day is wasting precious time—and keeping you stuck in the darkness.
Instead, find ways to grow yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Find a good therapist or coach to help you understand your behavior and find ways you can change for the better. Join a gym to rid yourself of anger and get fit. Learn to paint or speak Spanish. Plan a trip.
As you keep busy—and find outlets to channel your energy productively—you'll be happier. And you'll realize that life does go on.

10. Laugh.

Laugh every single day. Call an old friend to revisit hilarious memories. Read David Sedaris. Watch Dave Chappelle, George Carlin, or Chris Rock on YouTube. Go see stand-up.
I love watching Eddie Murphy's old standup routines. They chase away the blues and remind me that we're all in this together—slogging through life in the best way we can.
As best said by Victor Hugo, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." So, light your face up with a smile.

5 Beliefs That Invite True Love

by Monica ParikhJanuary 28, 2016 5:59 AM
 
In September of last year, I traveled to Portugal, alone. One night, while eating dinner, an older couple beckoned me to join their table. The wife — a woman in her 70s with long, silver hair cascading over her shoulders — asked me what I do for a living. I told her I was a dating coach and a writer.
Amused by my answer, she pointed to her husband and said, "We just got married two years ago." I smiled, anticipating a wonderful story. No stranger to heartbreak, this woman had survived an emotionally abusive marriage while raising four children.
"I eventually mustered the courage to leave my ex-husband," she said. "But those years broke me. I spiraled into a deep depression and ended up in a mental hospital."
"I'm so sorry to hear it," I said.
"Oh, don't be sorry!" she said. "It was such a blessing — finally, I had some peace and quiet! It gave me a wonderful opportunity to heal and put myself back together."

Life breaks everyone. The courageous see possibility in failure.

 

In the years that followed, she lived on her own terms. She left a career in nursing to drive a mobile library. She tended an organic garden. She ushered her last child into adulthood. Finally, fully at peace with herself and her own life, she met John — a widower who had been living on his own for almost a decade.
I asked where they had met. Her answer surprised me:

"Where else? The Internet! I was on a website called 'Plenty of Fish,'" she said. "He kept emailing me. I'd finally had enough and said, 'Let's meet!' And, we’ve been inseparable ever since."

I asked her what drew her to John — a quiet, good-humored and reserved man.

"He was kind," she answered. "And I knew that life was better savored with a companion. Now, we travel through Europe, staying at $10-a-night hostels. I feel like a kid again!"

I asked John what had attracted him to his wife. He said, "She is alive. And despite the challenges that she has faced, she is still optimistic and happy."
People often ask, "What is the best age to find love?" In my opinion, love has no sell-by or expiration date. I have clients in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who have wildly successful relationships. The key to their happiness? A deep understanding and acceptance of the following principles:

1. Age is nothing but a number.

Have you ever met a 20-year-old who lacks vitality and spends his days glued to Facebook, or a 60-year-old with the joie de vivre of a teenager? If so, you understand that age is relative.

2. Opportunity is everywhere.

This week, I consulted with two potential clients — both in their early 60s. One sees a world of scarcity — she laments that men only want younger women. The other sees a world of abundance. She crafted a captivating online profile, signed up for classes in which she can expand her social circle, and says “yes” to all invitations. Guess which of these two is NOT sitting home on Saturday night?

3. Experience enriches love.

While young love is wonderfully innocent and sweet, mature love can be more satisfying and is often a beautiful counterpoint to loss and heartbreak.

4. Life breaks everyone. The courageous see possibility in failure.

A new client lost her husband to brain cancer and nursed him until the end. She has every reason to be bitter but instead is using her experience to teach others how to be caregivers. After 29 years off the market, she is excited to date. She radiates gratitude, optimism, and strength. It’s not surprising that men are drawn to her vivacious spirit.

5. Dating is a skill you learn, and it's never too late.

Some people get lucky — they meet their soul mate early. But most others will experience a fair share of failure along their journey. Failure isn’t a problem unless you get mired in pessimism and fail to learn from your mistakes.
Make no mistake — there is a right way to date. To have a successful relationship, you have to get real and work to build up your self-esteem. But the good news is that with diligence and effort, you can always turn your love life around. Plus, it’s an investment that will keep you young.
If you’ve experienced great love later in life, please share in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you.

How To Be Great At Flirting (Whether You're Single Or Not)

by Monica ParikhFebruary 9, 2016 6:59 AM
 
When I was 36, my ex-husband disappeared, and before long, I found myself dealing with a divorce. After cleaning up that mess, I started to think about going back on the dating market, after a 10-year hiatus.
Besides my optimism, I knew flirting was the best tool I had. I started to practice again, and before long, I was meeting men in all sorts of places — the subway, elevators, the gym, and airports.
In my practice as a life/relationship coach, I often see women and men who have just forgotten how to flirt. If you’re single, it’s a wonderful way to signal availability and interest. If you’re in a relationship, it can reignite a spark and fuel passion. A little simple flirting tells the world you're here and you're ready to play.
Flirtation is simply the art of conversation, amped up a notch. I’ve always been a good flirt, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become better — which has a lot to do with my growth in confidence and self-esteem. A few key tips:

1. Radiate strength.

Naked selfies aren’t sexy. Neither is telling your life story on a first date. Real sexiness stems from the ability to tickle the imagination and create intrigue. Less exhibitionism, fewer words, and more confidence fuel desire.

2. Smile.

Smile big and often — it lights up your face and says that you’re approachable and warm. It is the green light that gives others confidence to approach you and start conversation.

3. Be playfully combative.

When we’re attracted to someone, we often veer toward being overly agreeable and conciliatory. Talk about throwing cold water on a spark! Being challenging, feisty, and a bit unpredictable (while still being nice) is very sexy. My partner and I often playfully spar with words. Intelligent banter makes for a very flirtatious (and fun) relationship.

4. Create an air of mystery.

A stranger on an elevator once offered to walk me to the subway with his umbrella during a rainstorm. When we arrived, he asked for my number. I demurred, saying that I don’t talk to strangers. (Wink.) He offered his card. I took it but made no promises. He was handsome and charismatic, so I knew he was used to having women chase him.
I waited several days (to build intrigue) and sent him a one-sentence email. He responded immediately, admitting that he checked his email constantly for word from me. Not knowing where the other person stands fuels desire. So, hold your cards close to your chest.

5. Laugh.

We’re all a little too serious. Take a ribbing. Give a ribbing. Laugh until your sides ache. Dating and romance are supposed to be fun, after all.

6. Tap into your feminine (or masculine) energy.

I have a serious job as a lawyer during the day, so I make deliberate efforts to tap into my softer side after work. I often go home, take a bath and change clothes before a date. I love jewel-colored dresses, red lipstick, and French perfume. This little ritual “washes” the 9-to-5 off me and helps me tap into a different energy/vibration. Each person’s formula is unique, but spend time figuring out the clothing, style, and rituals that bring about the most authentic and empowered you.

7. Ask questions.

Conversation with a stranger can be daunting. My advice? Show interest in your beloved’s work, hobbies, family, and interests. Sit back and relax while they open up. You will glean key insights. And I guarantee they will remember you as an amazing conversationalist while they have performed the bulk of the work.

8. Say a person's name — often.

My game changed for the better after reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. While technically not a dating book, it’s a wonderful guide on how to be a more engaging person. Carnegie says that someone's name is "to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Pay attention when someone introduces themselves. Repeat their name back immediately. Sprinkle it throughout conversation. Be amazed at the result.

9. Show warmth.

Gently touching someone’s hand or back is a wonderful way to show interest. Be respectful of another person’s space. It’s not about draping yourself all over them (or being clingy), which is a big turn-off. It’s about small signals of interest, respectfully scattered here and there.

10. Be original.

Successful flirting is about being 100 percent you. Personally, I’m an extroverted nerd who loves the public library, backpacking through Asia, Wes Anderson films, and ’70s soul music. Don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd. Accept that what makes you unique also makes you memorable. That is the most powerful vibrational frequency you can live in — and one that will surely attract an ideal partner.

Who Gets Lucky in Love, and How to Join Them

Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. Lifetime Connections

Bringing good fortune into your life is easier than you might think.

Posted Mar 10, 2014 

 Most of us have a friend or two who seem to be consistently content with their lot in life, liberally forgiving of others’ shortcomings, and generally able to find the silver lining or “the good thing” in a bad situation or relationship. Those friends or family members also seem to fall into one of two camps:
First are those who simply cannot “see” or perceive the truth of their circumstances or their relationship’s cracks and defects. They might be the ones about whom the adage, “love is blind,” was first spoken.
The second camp includes the eternal optimists who look past the immediate situation or character flaw or can put it into perspective without allowing it to become the barometer by which they measure their life’s climate or their friends’ or partners’ worthiness. Far from being “blind,” these individuals acknowledge that while life is seldom fair, they can still appreciate the positive aspects of their situations. They can see small positives as “gifts” in their relationships. They are able to magnify the positive and minimize the negative in life. Now this is a lucky happenstance.
Who Gets Lucky?
Research on “lucky people” indicates that the “luckiest” are those who actively seek to make their own luck. We might describe as “lucky” people who find a $20 bill on the street, get the last item at a great sale, or make the right decision at the right time in a relationship. What separates them from the rest of us who may not consider ourselves as lucky?
Turns out, the people who find money on the street are the very ones who are most likely to be looking for the odd $20 bill blowing along in a parking lot or by the curb. Have you ever felt lucky to make a break before a relationship turned sour? Most likely, you were attuned or open to signals that there was trouble brewing. We are all highly sensitive creatures, on many levels. We learn about our five senses in elementary school (and our “sixth sense” from the SyFy channel) but the truth is that when all of our senses are interacting with the computer that is our brain, we are able to “know” things exponentially more fully.
When we dream of enhancing our likelihood of being “lucky in love” and “lucky in life,” it is essential that we recognize that we really do have the power to make our own luck. However, we must first recognize the relationship state we seek—bliss can be delightful, but it seldom is a permanent condition. Moments of joy are to be treasured, but not when they are counterpointed by stretches of despair or heartache or doubt. Being able to recall the moments and relationships that were the most satisfying—whether a close friendship or a romantic attachment—will help us set the bar and outline the parameters of what we need from the significant relationships in our lives.
Being confident that we deserve the best from others and that we deserve to find happiness will raise our chances of being lucky in these pursuits. All of us can be more likely to see that $20 bill on the curb once we raise our awareness that it might actually be there. Lucky people create opportunities in which they can come away as winners. Sure, there are some who enjoy a run of “dumb luck,” when unexpectedly positive things occur in their lives. But it takes more than dumb luck to make a relationship work. It takes self-awareness and self-confidence as well as a bit of self-promotion. You need to be able to recognize when something good shows up in your life, appreciate your good fortune in recognizing its value, and be willing to do what needs to be done to keep the worthy relationship afloat.
Luck is knowing what you need, knowing when you’ve found it, and being invested enough to cherish and protect relationships worth keeping. It isn’t dumb or blind. It’s a synthesis of senses engaging and interacting. Increasing your luck is certainly an achievable goal, but first you must believe that something good is out there waiting for you to discover.

How You'll Finally End Up With the Right Partner

Tina Gilbertson LPC, DCC Constructive Wallowing

Expert advice to stop repeating mistakes and get your needs met.

Posted Oct 26, 2015 

 Cynthia (not her real name) sits across from me in therapy, crying over Marty, her most recent boyfriend. He broke up with her out of the blue, and we’re sorting through the pieces.
“He wasn’t affectionate, never gave me compliments,” she sobs. “But I really thought he loved me.”
Even though she and Marty had been having problems, Cynthia thought he might be "The One." It wasn’t the first time. She sighs heavily in frustration, “Why do I always end up with guys who don't stick around?”
It’s a good question, and there’s likely an answer in Cynthia’s past that she can address in the present to protect her future.
The Repetition Compulsion
We tend to seek out relationships that remind us of ones that disappointed us in the past, and try for a second chance at making it work. Freud called it the repetition compulsion, and in order for this to work, we need to find a situation or person similar enough to remind us, often subconsciously, of the first one. The hope is to get it right this time, to receive the love, respect or visibility we didn’t get before, and change the ending to a happy one. But unmet emotional needs keep us chained in old habits—and the hoped-for perfect do-over becomes a perfect replay of disappointment.
The Need for Safety
The needs we all have as children—food, shelter, clothing, safety, affection and belonging—don’t go away when we become adults. We still need all of those things, and we look for them in our relationships. But our ability to get those needs met depends on how well they were met in the first place.
Let’s say your need for physical safety was met early in your life; you never felt unsafe in your home. You now carry that sense of safety with you, and you feel essentially safe as you go about your day—that is, until something suddenly feels dangerous. There’s a contrast between the safety you normally feel and the lack of safety you experience when danger is present. Since you know what safety feels like, alarm bells go off when a situation starts to feel unsafe. Your continuing need for safety motivates you to remove yourself as quickly as you can from the situation.
On the other hand, if your need for safety was never adequately met, you don’t know what it feels like to be truly safe. A dangerous situation may not cause alarm bells to ring because there’s not enough of a change (from feeling safe to feeling unsafe) to trigger that alarm. You might end up in harm’s way more often than someone who enjoys a sense of safety.
Unmet Emotional Needs
The same holds true for other needs, like emotional visibility, appreciation, and respect. If those needs have never been adequately met for you, you won’t have the radar to avoid people who will fail you in those areas. You won’t see the red flags at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, such relationships might even be attractive because they’re familiar enough to appeal to that repetition compulsion. You might unconsciously think, "Maybe this time, I can get some affection out of this non-affectionate person. I can have my happy ending."

Until unmet emotional needs become conscious, unsatisfying relationship patterns tend to continue.
Be Your Own Loving Partner First
The next time a relationship begins to cause you chronic emotional pain, focus on your own heart. Don’t think about your partner, and what he or she is doing wrong and what they need to do to give you what you need. Instead, put words to your feelings: “I’m feeling lonely/abandoned/worthless/unlovable.” Concentrate on the emotions inside you, not the other person. Allow yourself to cry if you feel like it. Speak kindly and softly to yourself while you do it. Say things like, “I’m so sorry for you,” or, “I’m here with you, it’s okay to let it out.”
If you feel angry, ask yourself what is underneath the anger, fueling it. It is probably a more vulnerable emotion such as sadness or fear. Let yourself experience that: There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. The more attention you pay to your emotions, and the longer you sit with them, the more you’ll be able to resolve them and help yourself heal.
Along the way you’ll get plenty of practice with self-compassion, which will create a contrast when you don’t receive compassion from others. You’ll learn to avoid those who don’t treat you as well as you now treat yourself.
Unmet emotional needs don’t have to seal your fate. You can start to meet your own needs right this minute, and begin a new cycle of positive relationships.

请写一封情信给我

一大把年纪了，我一封情信都没有收到。
爱情到底是什么东西？
若说现在这样的年代，已经没有人再会一字一字写了，但我却连什么讯息都没收过。
是不是应该撞墙了？
大概也得用上洪荒之力，方才可以首到一封情信。

17 Things No One Ever Told You About People Who Are Single

Bella DePaulo Ph.D. Living Single

The special strengths of single people and the meaningfulness of single life.

Posted Aug 04, 2016 

 

Single people are too often stereotyped and stigmatized. They are pitied while married people are celebrated. Yet single life can be tremendously meaningful and fulfilling. It is time for a more accurate, research-based portrayal of single people and single life—one that recognizes the real strengths and resilience of people who are single, and what makes their lives so meaningful.
I shared just such a portrayal in a plenary address I was invited to give at the meeting of the American Psychological Association, “What No One Ever Told You about People Who Are Single,” in Denver, Colorado, on August 5.

Source: Masson/Shutterstock

Here are some highlights:

1. Single people rule. There are more unmarried Americans 16 and older than there are married Americans.
    
2. Single life is the better part of our adult lives: Americans spend more years of their adult lives unmarried than married.
    
3. People who are “single at heart” embrace single life. Living single is how they live their best, most authentic, most meaningful lives. They are not single because they have "issues" or because they have not found "The One."
    
4. Claims that getting married makes people happier, healthier, and more integrated into society are grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong.
    
5. People who get married do not end up any happier than they were when they were single.
    
6. People who get married do not end up any healthier or less depressed than when they were single, nor do they enjoy any higher self-esteem.
    
7. People who marry become more insular. They were more connected to parents and friends when they were single.
    
8. When studies seem to show that getting married is beneficial, the explanation may be singlism and matrimania (as well as biased analyses) rather than any social support or social monitoring that goes on within a marriage.
    
9. In some studies, lifelong single people do better than everyone else, even when the analyses are biased against them. For example, these studies include analysis of the overall health of more than 11,000 Canadians; of the cancer risk of more than 33,000 Italians; of several measures of health of more than 10,000 Australian women in their 70s; and an American study of the health, well-being, and resilience of wounded warriors.
    
10. Social scientists overwhelmingly study marriage and married people. Lifelong single people are mostly ignored, except as a comparison group in studies of marriage.
     
11. [through 17.] When people are drawn to single life and when they thrive there, it is for positive and deeply significant reasons, such as:

• Singles savor their solitude and its profound rewards.
• Singles embrace bigger, broader meanings of relationships and love. They care about “the ones,” not just The One.
• Singles develop a diversified portfolio of skills. The kinds of tasks that newly divorced and newly widowed people need to learn are ones that lifelong single people have already mastered.
• Singles contribute in meaningful ways. They do a lot of volunteering, and they do more than their share of caring for aging parents and people who need help for three months or more, even when those people are not family members.
• Singles value opportunities to pursue their interests and passions and do the work they care about the most. They care more about meaningful work than married people do. Lifelong single people develop a greater sense of autonomy over time than people who stay married.
• Lifelong single people experience more personal growth and development than people who stay married.

People Will Like You if You Make Them Laugh

Jack Schafer Ph.D. Let Their Words Do the Talking

Anybody can tell a joke, but not everybody can make you laugh.

Posted Aug 03, 2016 

 Anybody can make you cry, but only certain people can make you laugh. Laughter releases endorphins, which make us feel good about ourselves and others. This good feeling creates a bond between two people and imbues a sense of togetherness in groups. The Golden Rule of friendship states that if you make people feel good about themselves, they will like you—and laughter does just that. It makes you feel good about yourself and the person who triggered your laughter.
Laughing and Likability
Laughter provides a good indicator to determine if a woman likes a man. A woman who laughs at a man’s jokes, no matter how lame they are, signals that she likes him. In fact, the more times a woman laughs at a man’s jokes or joins in laughter with him, the more she likes him. Men do not experience the same phenomenon when women make them laugh; however, men are attracted to woman who laugh at their jokes.
Laughter Signals Intelligence
Women view men who make them laugh as more intelligent than those who don't. Researchers speculate that constructing humor takes a high degree of intellectual prowess, especially when producing sophisticated humor such as satire, double entendre, and malaprops.
Laughter Leads to Better Long-term Relationships
Couples who share laughter experience more satisfying long-term relationships. Laughter keeps a relationship fresh and relieves the boredom that sometimes accompanies long-term relationships. In general, happy couples share more humorous moments than unhappy couples do. They also tend to provide a more enriching environment for their children, who tend to be happy and well-rounded. Humor can break tension in demanding situations, but avoid using humor during stressful or serious relationship discussions; in such situations, humor is often seen as a means to avoid serious discussion and can be detrimental to relationships.
The Humor Trap
Humor doesn’t tickle everyone’s funny bone. What is funny to one person may not be funny to another. Many times what you think is funny is not perceived as funny when you say it out loud, and misunderstood humor can quickly kill fledging relationships. The safest humor is self-deprecating humor: When you make fun of yourself, few, if any, people are offended. Self-deprecating humor should not impugn your character, but focus on your unique behaviors, experiences, or missteps. Disclosing missteps that don’t demean your character can add to your likability because minor mistakes humanize a speaker.
Humor Levels the Relationship Playing Field

It’s true, attractive people are seen as more likeable. They are perceived as more intelligent, they get more attention, and they seem to get all the breaks. Fear not: If you are less attractive, you can still develop your ability to make others laugh. Laughter levels the relationship playing field and can even give you an edge—because, again, people like people who make them laugh. And while anybody can tell a joke, not everybody can make someone laugh.

I Like You, But How Do I Know You Like Me?

Jack Schafer Ph.D. Let Their Words Do the Talking

Five nonverbal signals that let you know the person you’re with likes you.

Posted Jul 28, 2016 

 When you meet someone for the first time, especially in a romantic encounter, you often know quickly if you like the person—but how do you know if they like you?
There are a few nonverbal cues that instantly let you know if someone is interested in you:
1. Mutual Eye Contact
People look at people they like and avoid looking at people they don’t like. The neurochemical oxytocin may be responsible for increased eye contact. Elevated oxytocin levels increase mutual eye gaze and provide a sense of well-being, which increases mutual attraction. Oxytocin also increases pupil dilation, which indicates interest. The wider the dilation, the more attraction people feel toward one another. During the last century B.C., Cleopatra, reputedly the most alluring woman of her time, dilated her pupils with atropine to make herself appear more sensual.
There is a fine line between increased eye contact and staring, which is impolite. You can increase mutual gaze by maintaining eye contact as you turn your head to break the gaze; the other person does not perceive your extended gaze as staring because your head is turning. If the person you are with maintains eye contact, they like you.
2. A Light Touch
People often touch the person they like. In romantic relationships, women may lightly touch the arm of the person they are talking to. This light touch is not an invitation to a sexual encounter; it merely indicates she likes you. Men express their liking for other men by fist bumping, chest bumping, or lightly hitting the other person on the shoulder with a closed fist. Men similarly express their like for women by engaging in playful physical activities. Another form of touching is preening. Picking lint off of another person’s clothing or straightening a crooked tie indicates that the person likes you. Touching is a good indicator that a person likes you or dislikes you. If you casually touch another person and they abruptly pull away, the person does not like you or is not ready for a more intimate relationship.
3. Inward Leaning
Body orientation is an important indicator that the person you are talking to likes you. People lean toward people they like, and distance themselves from people they dislike. Inward leaning increases as rapport increases. For example, if two people are sitting next to each other, their heads will turn toward each other. Next, their shoulders will turn toward each other. After that, their torsos will fully turn as they face one another. Finally, the two people will lean toward each other.
4. Mirroring
People who like one another mirror each other’s body positions. Mirroring can help establish rapport and can also be used to test whether the person you are talking with likes you. It sends a subconscious signal to the person you are with that you like them; in turn, they are predisposed to like you. When you meet someone, mirror their body position. At some later point in the encounter, change your body position. If the other person mirrors you within several seconds, they probably like you.         
5. Barriers
People who like each remove any obstacles between them. People who don’t like the person they are with often place barriers between themselves and the person they don’t like. Barriers include personal items such as purses, newspapers, magazines, cups, cushions, and similar items. A barrier does not necessarily mean that the person doesn’t like you, but it does let you know that rapport has not yet been established. A cup or glass can be used to monitor liking: If the person you are with places their cup or glass between the two of you, it forms a barrier signaling that rapport has not yet been established. As the conversation continues, monitor where the person places their cup or glass. If they place it to one side or the other, thus removing the barrier between you, they probably like you.
Watching nonverbal behaviors allows you to monitor the progress of the rapport-building process and lets you know if the person you are with likes you. Nonverbal behaviors also predispose the person you like to interact with you, which gives you an opportunity to develop your relationship under favorable conditions.
For additional tips and tools to initiate, maintain, or repair relationships see The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People.
Reference
Scheele, D, Striepens, N., Güntürkün, O., Deutschländer, S. Kendrick, K. Hurlemann, R. (2012). Oxytocin modulates social distance between males and females. The Journal of Neuroscience, 32-46.

今晚，我去相親

• 文章出處：康健雜誌2期
• 1998.10.01
• 作者 ： 蕭蔓

我早就打定主意，這輩子就算單身到底，無論如何，也別想我去「相親」。

「相親？」我媽說我想的太多了，這只不過是兩個人見見面、吃吃飯，先交交朋友再說，哪有那麼嚴重？我媽說我太保守，腦筋不夠開放。
我也糊塗了，難道不肯相親，是因為我太保守、不夠開放？跟一個陌生人見見面、吃吃飯，這到底是交交朋友？還是尋找結婚對象？而交友與相親之間，差別是什麼？如果是相親，事情很嚴重嗎？要是相親不嚴重，那我幹嘛整個星期忐忑不安、渾身上下不對勁？
終究，我沒有去吃那頓飯，我媽也沒辦法，軟哄、硬騙、強逼，我就是受不了面對那種明明打了招牌「男想婚、女想嫁」的見面儀式。我總覺得，結不結婚， 是命運，不需要經過特別的安排促使它發生。可是，不知道為了什麼？沒去赴約的那個晚上，我心裡飄過一絲絲失落，心想，自己會不會錯過了什麼？
那是一種很難說得清楚的矛盾感，一方面，我非常篤定，認為人應該決定自己的命運，例如相不相親、結不結婚，但是，另一方面，我卻同時覺得根本就是性格在決定我的命運，例如我的不相親、我的單身。
我身邊的朋友，也有不少像我這種篤信「自己」的人，我們都不肯輕易放自己在「被別人安排」的處境，就像婚姻，我們總是堅持，不論如何，至少要靠自己 的魅力、機緣和運氣，由自己來遇到那個心目中的結婚對象。至於，有時候狹窄的社交圈，根本很難遇上任何有可能的對象，但是，單身的人，通常懂得靜靜等待。
當然，我也有一些單身朋友，不願意只是等待，他們開始相親，有的，在見見面、吃吃飯，交交朋友之後，竟然真的結婚了。
我很佩服他們的勇氣，對我，「相親」是一件風險很高的事情，並不是說成功與失敗的風險（大概也沒有人做過統計，平均每100次的相親有多少次成功？），而是相親之後，彼此的反應。
我一個朋友年過30，就開始有「親」必「相」，可是直到40，仍然孤家寡人，我問為什麼沒有一個成功的，她的回答很妙，卻也充滿相親哲理，她說，相 親前，大家最注重的是雙方的背景、學歷、專長、職業……這些官方說法卻不具真實面貌的資料，然而，當兩個人正式見面的那一刻，其實印象最深刻的無非是對方 的長相、身材和舉止態度……這些天生的外在條件，她曾經和一位高科技專業的留美碩士隔桌吃了一頓飯，直到起座離開的時候，才發現對方站起來只齊她的肩膀， 頓時，她有一種「受騙」的感覺，並不是說她覺得對方比她矮有什麼不好，而是說相親讓人事先憑空想像，也讓人特別容易感到意外。
當然，也有見完第一次面，印象不錯的時候，接下來，誰要先採取下一步呢？到底是男的該主動，還是女的也不應該總是被動？到底是誰比較喜歡誰時就該先 主動？還是有的人即使很喜歡也覺得不該或不敢自己主動？這時候，通常介紹人又多半已經覺得自己責任已了，兩個人又沒人往走下再一步，「不了了之」，通常是 相親最常見的結局。
風險更高的是，萬一其中一人採取了第一步，不論是假藉上次吃飯時談到的一部電影正在上演，或者是上次吃飯時忘記說起的音樂會正在舉辦，總而言之，好 不容易鼓起勇氣開口：「我們再見一次面吧？」不論是任何原因，只要對方正巧沒空，或者口氣匆忙、冷淡，心中的自尊一定頓時碎落一地，吸口冷氣趕緊說︰ 「哦！沒關係！下次再說！」
沒關係！真的沒關係才怪呢！沒有人會對被拒絕無動於衷的。只是撫拾起破碎自尊的方式不同罷了，有的淡淡一笑，「唉！沒緣份！」有的恨不得凌空收回邀 約，「天啊！真丟臉！」也有的逕自默默自卑起來了，「嗯！別人對我不滿意！」滿意什麼呢？相親又不是參加商品展示會，可是，大概每一次沒有成功的相親背 後，都有一聲發自心谷幽幽的輕嘆。敢於相親的人，就像敢於把自己的信心放在別人的秤盤裡，這種勇氣，我既敬佩又羨慕，也讓他們總是比別人為自己多創造了一 些機會。
我的一個朋友因相親而結婚，婚禮上大大方方地承認，說自己是因為個性保守，若不是有介紹人居中幫忙，恐怕自己一輩子都不敢跟陌生人交朋友，我聽了不 僅啞然，想起我媽說我個性保守，而我的保守是因為不相親，記得「心靈地圖」作者派克曾經引用過一段話︰「為自己的極限辯護，你就永遠受制於它們。」也許， 下一次，我不再為我的極限辯護，不再只是在腦海裡想像相親的緊張和尷尬，而是輕輕鬆鬆的說一句︰「今晚，我去相親。」