Fear has pretty much ruled my life. Fear of the unknown or
unpredictable. Fear of what people might think about me. Fear of
failing. Fear of being wrong or making a bad decision. Fear of
everything. And it’s these fears that have kept me from experiencing
freedom.
I recently chose to confront someone who, in my childhood, lacked
boundaries. As a result, they left me traumatized and in pain because
they failed to protect me when they had the power to do so. I use the
word “chose” because no one forced me to have this confrontation. I did
not have to do it; I definitely did not do it because it was easy or
fun. It was difficult and terrifying, those two hours of talking about
things I had concealed for almost three decades. Yet the results made it
worth that short time being uncomfortable. After the confrontation, an
indescribable amount of freedom came over me.
I found the freedom to love that person despite what they did. I
found the freedom to no longer be held in a forced relationship, but to
be in it because I want to be. I also found the freedom to ensure my own
safety and well being by declaring, “What you did was wrong, and it
needs to stop.” I have taken several steps of freedom like this
throughout the last several years. And with each one, I feel like I grow
more into a healthy, responsible, self-respecting woman; I grow further
from the abused and victimized child who had no control and no say over
what happened to her.
The fear to remain silent and keep things “hush hush” or in line with
the status quo cannot compare to what I gained when I faced my fear and
embraced my own voice. Being abused or victimized as a child keeps you
from growing up on the inside. For years after being adult age, I still
felt like that 7-year-old girl. I looked 20. I had the privileges (and
the responsibilities) of a growing adult. But when I looked in the
mirror, the person staring back at me was always someone else. I never
recognized her because the way I viewed myself (and the way I felt
inside) was much younger than the person looking back at me.
Until now. Until today. It’s been a process that has been full of
tears and facing fears and grieving. But it has all been so worth the
“growing up.” As a child, I was helpless. But now, as an adult, I have a
choice. I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can determine
my future by what I choose today. Here. Now. I choose to speak even when
my lips tremble. I choose to confront others even when I do it all
alone. I choose to surround myself with people who are good for me, even
if it means saying goodbye to those who aren’t. I choose to stand
strong when my knees shake and tears fill my eyes. I choose to make a
better tomorrow for myself through the choices I make today. One by one.
Little by little.
Big choices might include confronting my abuser. But it is the small,
everyday choices that are just as important: Going for a walk. Going to
therapy. Eating healthy foods instead of comforting ones. Choosing to
journal instead of shoving it all down or lashing out at others.
Grieving instead of avoiding. Trusting myself instead of self-loathing.
Loving myself instead of hating.
I am worthy of a life well lived, the same as everyone else. And so
are you. You can’t change your past. You can decide that every day, good
and bad, you will do one thing to grow your wings. You can determine
here and now that you will lose the chains and begin to walk in freedom.
2015年7月16日
Why We Fear Fear (and What It Costs Us)
Plus: How some men and women deal with fear differently.
In many situations, it is rational and prudent to fear
another person. For example, if someone physically threatens
you, the best response is to get away from that person as soon as
possible. However, few of our interpersonal dealings involve such dire
threats. It's more likely that you would fear those who may cause you
to lose your job, relationships, self-esteem,
or something else of high emotional value. It's important to examine
your inner reactions to the people in your life in order to understand
them, and yourself, that much better.How do we learn to fear others in the first place?
The emotion of fear is hard-wired into all creatures. As young children, your fears may have occupied much of your emotional life, perhaps because you were so vulnerable and unable to protect yourself. You probably outgrew those fears, partly by acquiring greater physical size and a wider range of abilities and experiences. In the worst scenarios—such as a bear invading your campground—you learned enough from others' stories to figure out how to get out alive.
In a 2015 article, University of Massachusetts-Boston economist Julie Nelson argues that the experience of fear has become highly gendered, a problem that she applies to theory and practice in the field of economics. Men learn to fear fear because they associate such emotions with a dangerous lack of control over the self and world. In her words, “Since bodies are far more vulnerable, mortal, and messy than the pure Cartesian cogito, contemplation of the feminine-associated aspects of human life may create anxiety” (p. 134). To avoid this, men gravitate away from the emotional world of fear and anxiety toward a more analytical and objective one in which logic rules over feelings.
The danger of fearing fear, Nelson suggests, is that in their economic thinking, men prefer not to seem “risk averse.” It’s permissible, in this societal context, for women to base their decisions on the fear of negative outcomes, but men who do so may be perceived as weak or unmanly. When economic markets develop around men’s desire not to look risk averse, those markets become more likely to crash and burn, as happened in the late 2000’s. If anything, the fear of fear worsens panic when things eventually start to go wrong, she writes:
“Fear, kept unexamined and dammed up for too long, may then be manifested in excess when a crisis finally arrives—e.g., in financial panic or in support of totalitarian means for restoring order.” (p. 137)How does this affect your daily life? Fear may be a “logical emotion” in some cases, but what about when it’s not? Are there times when your fears are blown out of proportion, especially with regard to particular people? If so, who are those people and why do you fear them?
Here are some of the negative consequences of fearing fear:
Fear of authority. Many people fear their bosses. Obviously, an employer or supervisor controls your own economic stability. In the contemporary workplace, however, there are controls against a capricious boss acting out in a moment of anger by firing a qualified employee. Due process and consistency with union statutes protect workers against this, as does the belief that many employers have in the value of supervisors and supervisees cooperating in a collegial way to maximize productivity. It’s possible that some supervisor truly deserve to be feared, if they act in unpredictable and punitive ways. But people may also project their childhood fears of harm or criticism onto bosses who do not act in fear-provoking ways.
Increased anxiety. Following from Nelson’s analysis, gender dynamics may also affect the relationships that men and women have in the workplace. By stifling their fears to avoid looking weak, men may actually be creating more anxiety for themselves. They don’t want to admit that they’re afraid of getting fired, allowing that undercurrent of worry to fester for weeks, months, or years. Because of fear, they may even avoid supervisory evaluations, which would help them function as more adaptive employees.
Decline in productivity. According to this analysis, women trying to look more “competent” (and male-like) may attempt to cover up their emotional reactions as well. From the organization’s point of view, these circumstances hinder employees' ability to relax and be productive.
Relationship setbacks. Spouses and romantic partners may come to fear each other’s reactions, especially if there is a history of uncontrolled anger in the home. In relationships not marked by violence, though, partners may grow more trusting over the years and learn to overcome their irrational fears. Even when something goes wrong (as you drop and break yet another dinner plate), you no longer become afraid of how your partner will respond. The people you are less close to on a daily basis are probably more likely to stimulate your fears: What will your in-laws do, for example, if you fail to send a thank-you letter for a birthday present, or you send one that isn’t to their liking? You may not fear physical harm in these cases, but disapproval.
Misinterpreted gestures. If you have deep-seated anxieties about how well you fit in with the family as a whole, you may interpret what might be a neutral glance from that in-law as a glare filled with criticism. The fear this engenders only makes things worse. You may behave in an unnatural and overly guarded way that in turn creates actual grounds for negative feelings and poor communication.
5 'Flaws' That Just Make You More Lovable
... and why we trust people who are willing to show them.
You may think that people love you despite your flaws, not because of them. But some of the traits you perceive to be flaws may be more attractive than you realize.
Here are 5 that you may want to start to accept:
1. You embarrass easily. Our visible signs of embarrassment
are often more embarrassing than the event that precipitated them. Some
people find these signs so humiliating that they resort to surgery (link is external)
to destroy the nerves responsible for blushing and sweating. But as
unpleasant as embarrassment may be for those experiencing it, it turns
out that other people find it appealing. In one series of studies (link is external), participants
who displayed more visible signs of embarrassment while recounting an
embarrassing moment were judged by observers to be more cooperative,
trustworthy, and generous, and observers were more interested in
spending time with them.
Rather than signaling weakness or a lack of social skills, embarrassment seems to signal that a person values relationships and is likely to be loyal and reliable. Embarrassment-prone people may make especially good romantic partners, the researchers suggest (link is external), since they seem more likely to remain faithful.
2. You overshare. Needless to say, revealing too much personal information with the wrong people in the wrong settings can be disastrous, and having no social filter whatsoever is clearly problematic. But a tendency to err on the side of oversharing isn’t necessarily the worst thing when it comes to building new relationships and deepening existing ones. According to social penetration theory (link is external), gradually revealing personal information about oneself is an important way to develop closeness and intimacy. Getting from the superficial level to the real stuff requires a leap into uncharted territory. A moment of vulnerability, uncomfortable as it may feel at the time, can be the thing that breaks down walls and allows a more authentic relationship to grow.
In a 1997 paper, Art Aron and his colleagues found that two strangers who asked each other 36 increasingly probing questions (link is external) (e.g., “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?”), compared to those who asked the same number of small-talk questions (e.g., "What did you do this summer?"), experienced feelings of closeness after just 45 minutes. The researchers found that this effect was not dependent on participants having similar attitudes to begin with. One pair even got married six months later; and, as described in an excellent Modern Love essay (link is external), a woman who used the 36 questions with an acquaintance as a fun experiment ended up falling in love with him.
It's not that we can forge immediate and lasting bonds with literally anyone just by sharing intimate information. People who aren't afraid to be vulnerable, however, create more opportunities for meaningful connection—romantic or otherwise—through their openness.
3. You like to gossip. They say that no one likes a gossip. But the research suggests otherwise (link is external). Although some types of gossip are clearly harmful, others are geared towards protecting people from harm by warning them about dangerous people or situations. Sharing information about backstabbing friends, philandering partners, or corrupt employers may seem petty, but it serves a useful function—not only does it benefit potential victims, but the threat of being the subject of negative gossip can help keep would-be exploiters in check.
Sharing this type of "prosocial" gossip with others communicates that you care about them and trust them, and that can bring you closer. Unfortunately, sharing nastier gossip can make you feel closer, too (in an "us vs. them" sort of way), but that kind of closeness is less likely to last, especially when all parties are left wondering when they might become the next victim. Being a "good" gossip requires being able to distinguish useful and benignly entertaining forms from more destructive ones.
4. You're a klutz. When Jennifer Lawrence famously fell while attempting to walk onstage to accept her 2013 Best Actress Oscar, it just made everyone like her more (link is external). It brought her down to earth—literally—and made her seem human and relatable, despite her superstar status. If you’re someone who has a tendency to spill drinks on yourself, have food on your face without knowing it, or trip over your own feet while attempting to dance, fear not: Both Lawrence and scientific research suggest that these qualities probably endear you to others.
In the first study of a phenomenon called the pratfall effect (link is external), researchers discovered that participants liked a person who spilled coffee on themselves better than a person who didn't spill on themselves, as long as the spiller seemed otherwise competent (as would be the case for someone like Lawrence). Blunders tend to humanize people, especially those who seem otherwise superior. As long as you’re generally capable, a mistake here and there can help others feel more comfortable around you—and more likely to acknowledge their own mistakes.
5. You're brutally honest. Too much honesty can get you into trouble, but it also shows people they can trust you to be straight with them, even if the truth is painful. Research suggests that people who express their authentic feelings (link is external), rather than just say whatever they think others want to hear, tend to have more satisfying relationships and are happier in general. Being honest about how you feel may result in more arguments than if you just pretend everything is fine, but expressing negative emotions isn’t necessarily bad for relationships (link is external), and depending on the circumstances, can even make them stronger.
Brutal honesty may not be appropriate in all situations and with all people—knowing where to draw the line is critical—but forthright people tend to make great friends and romantic partners, not only because they don’t let us get away with bad behavior but because when they compliment us, we know they really mean it.
Here are 5 that you may want to start to accept:
Source: Kichigin/Shutterstock
Rather than signaling weakness or a lack of social skills, embarrassment seems to signal that a person values relationships and is likely to be loyal and reliable. Embarrassment-prone people may make especially good romantic partners, the researchers suggest (link is external), since they seem more likely to remain faithful.
2. You overshare. Needless to say, revealing too much personal information with the wrong people in the wrong settings can be disastrous, and having no social filter whatsoever is clearly problematic. But a tendency to err on the side of oversharing isn’t necessarily the worst thing when it comes to building new relationships and deepening existing ones. According to social penetration theory (link is external), gradually revealing personal information about oneself is an important way to develop closeness and intimacy. Getting from the superficial level to the real stuff requires a leap into uncharted territory. A moment of vulnerability, uncomfortable as it may feel at the time, can be the thing that breaks down walls and allows a more authentic relationship to grow.
In a 1997 paper, Art Aron and his colleagues found that two strangers who asked each other 36 increasingly probing questions (link is external) (e.g., “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?”), compared to those who asked the same number of small-talk questions (e.g., "What did you do this summer?"), experienced feelings of closeness after just 45 minutes. The researchers found that this effect was not dependent on participants having similar attitudes to begin with. One pair even got married six months later; and, as described in an excellent Modern Love essay (link is external), a woman who used the 36 questions with an acquaintance as a fun experiment ended up falling in love with him.
It's not that we can forge immediate and lasting bonds with literally anyone just by sharing intimate information. People who aren't afraid to be vulnerable, however, create more opportunities for meaningful connection—romantic or otherwise—through their openness.
3. You like to gossip. They say that no one likes a gossip. But the research suggests otherwise (link is external). Although some types of gossip are clearly harmful, others are geared towards protecting people from harm by warning them about dangerous people or situations. Sharing information about backstabbing friends, philandering partners, or corrupt employers may seem petty, but it serves a useful function—not only does it benefit potential victims, but the threat of being the subject of negative gossip can help keep would-be exploiters in check.
Sharing this type of "prosocial" gossip with others communicates that you care about them and trust them, and that can bring you closer. Unfortunately, sharing nastier gossip can make you feel closer, too (in an "us vs. them" sort of way), but that kind of closeness is less likely to last, especially when all parties are left wondering when they might become the next victim. Being a "good" gossip requires being able to distinguish useful and benignly entertaining forms from more destructive ones.
4. You're a klutz. When Jennifer Lawrence famously fell while attempting to walk onstage to accept her 2013 Best Actress Oscar, it just made everyone like her more (link is external). It brought her down to earth—literally—and made her seem human and relatable, despite her superstar status. If you’re someone who has a tendency to spill drinks on yourself, have food on your face without knowing it, or trip over your own feet while attempting to dance, fear not: Both Lawrence and scientific research suggest that these qualities probably endear you to others.
In the first study of a phenomenon called the pratfall effect (link is external), researchers discovered that participants liked a person who spilled coffee on themselves better than a person who didn't spill on themselves, as long as the spiller seemed otherwise competent (as would be the case for someone like Lawrence). Blunders tend to humanize people, especially those who seem otherwise superior. As long as you’re generally capable, a mistake here and there can help others feel more comfortable around you—and more likely to acknowledge their own mistakes.
5. You're brutally honest. Too much honesty can get you into trouble, but it also shows people they can trust you to be straight with them, even if the truth is painful. Research suggests that people who express their authentic feelings (link is external), rather than just say whatever they think others want to hear, tend to have more satisfying relationships and are happier in general. Being honest about how you feel may result in more arguments than if you just pretend everything is fine, but expressing negative emotions isn’t necessarily bad for relationships (link is external), and depending on the circumstances, can even make them stronger.
Brutal honesty may not be appropriate in all situations and with all people—knowing where to draw the line is critical—but forthright people tend to make great friends and romantic partners, not only because they don’t let us get away with bad behavior but because when they compliment us, we know they really mean it.
2015年7月15日
克服焦慮的黃金鑰匙
你覺得別人都過得比你好、都比你幸運、都沒有煩惱、每天都快快樂樂？
LINE已讀不回，FB按讚人數寥寥可數，
工作做不完，業績達不到，上司不合理要求，同事莫名排擠，
無法成為受歡迎的人，愛情關係暗藏隱憂，婚姻大事搞不定，
錢怎麼算都不夠，只能走一步算一步，更不敢有退休夢……
一直被緊張、擔憂、煩躁、心悸、壓力、焦慮騷擾而苦不堪言的你，
需要擁有一份專屬於你的「抗焦慮特效藥」，超強！一服見效！
★克服焦慮的黃金鑰匙
1.為自己找出正向理由
茱莉用了這把鑰匙後，她說：「每當我少了一個客戶，就會跑到酒吧喝一杯，然後告訴自己：『喂，你又得到一些寶貴經驗，下次就不會再犯同樣的錯了，別人可沒這種機會呢！』」然後，她的心情就平靜下來了，不會因為一次失敗就萎靡不振。
找出一切理由來證明自己今天比昨天過得好，這樣你就可以維持熱情、滿足的狀態。方法是，在最困難的狀態中發現亮點，哪怕只是一點點讓自己感到欣慰的人事物，都不放過。
2.以「不利」創造「有利」！
如何把壞事變成好事？就是利用時機和客觀條件，把壓力和情緒昇華，讓它變成力量。
充分利用現狀，意味著要在「不利現實」的狀態中，搜集和歸納「有利條件」，再充分利用它們，打一場逆襲戰。你只要時常抱持著這樣的想法，越是逆境，就越能迸發出積極的力量。
3.合作力量大！
難道，什麼事都非得你一個人完成嗎？不要逞強了，不要再給自己加壓！
拿到這把鑰匙的ＩＢＭ員工卡特，他開始學習向同事求助，將那些讓自己頭痛的任務分出來，請他人幫忙解決，然後分享成功。
他說：「過去我的競爭心太強了，我想在老闆面前好好表現，因此爭分奪秒，只想搶在別人前面做完更多的工作。但是，我不僅沒有成
功，反而焦頭爛額。現在，我知道應該怎麼做了，只有合作，才能獲得成功。」
4.偶爾脫稿演出
打破做事的常規思維，你就能有意想不到的收穫。
美國北卡羅來納州的鮑比接受了這把鑰匙，他原本打算搭汽車到舊金山，但臨時改變主意，在洛杉磯下了車，又買票去了紐約帝國大廈。一周後，玩得很開心的鮑比才搭機抵達舊金山。
他興奮地說：「我改變了本來預定的行程，讓自己經歷了一場充滿驚奇的意外旅行。這是一次令我終生難忘的冒險經驗。我現在體會到——這就是生活，有時意外反而帶來另一種精彩，離開預設的軌道，我們才有機會發現其他風景。所以，我今後將不再為計畫被打亂而感到煩惱了。」
解脫！你可以不焦慮：7年深度調查 ✕ 15萬份真實案例 ✕ 200把克服焦慮的黃金鑰匙
作者： 高原
出版社：發現文化
What Does Being in Love Do to Your Brain?
... and why the research shows it might affect men and women differently.
What happens to your brain when you fall in love? Is being in love just something you feel,
or is it more than that? There's reason to suspect that that your
intimate social experiences may affect the actual biochemistry of your
brain.Recent science suggests a fascinating association between being in love and peripheral serotonin, a chemical produced within our brains to help us regulate mood and behavior. You might think of it as a happy neurotransmitter; deficits of it are associated with challenges such as depression, and drugs such as SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) work by allowing the presence of more serotonin.
It seems reasonable to predict that romantic love would be associated with a calming effect and potentially higher levels of serotonin. Romantic love is complex, however, and need not be peaceful: Passionate interest in someone can spark obsessive thinking and the type of heightened awareness linked to jealousy or anxiety. This would potentially suggest an inverse relation with serotonin.
Langeslag and colleagues (2012) studied this issue in depth. These researchers invited 10 men and 10 women who professed to be in love, and 10 men and 10 women who were not in love, into the lab to complete a series of questionnaires and to have samples of their blood plasma taken.
What did they learn about how the serotonergic system might be linked to romantic love? There were mixed results overall, but they suggest a link.
For men, being in love was tied to lower levels of peripheral serotonin; women in love, however, measured higher levels of serotonin than their counterparts who indicated they were not in love. Perhaps falling in love is a mood lifter and stabilizer for men, but it might have a different effect on women. This is in line with basic gender differences in romantic relationships, including observed differences in jealousy.
Interestingly, for women (but not for men), more obsessive thinking about a romantic partner was associated with more serotonin, which seems to run counter to expectations. Why was this? The authors offer no solid explanation. The pattern we might anticipate would be the reverse—more obsessive romantic love, less serotonin.
At this point, findings are correlational, rather than experimental, but they do hint at the possibility that love is much more than skin deep.
Feeling Bad? Here's What You Shouldn't Do.
Research shows how a common coping strategy backfires.
After failing a test, an intelligent student
may ask, “Am I really that smart?” A successful salesman may question
her skills after failing to close an important deal. A broken engagement
could cause someone to question whether he's really marriage material.Whenever the way we want to see ourselves doesn’t line up with what’s actually going on in our lives, our self-image is threatened. To cope with that threat, we try to compensate for the discrepancy between our beliefs and our circumstances. Often, that compensatory behavior involves seeking out specific products or activities to repair our feelings of self-worth.
This psychological principle, referred to as compensatory consumption, has been well documented in research. A study published in Basic and Applied Social Psychology in 1981 found that MBA students who lacked success relative to their peers—in terms of grades or job offers—used more products that signaled success. For example, they were more likely to wear luxury brand watches and carry designer briefcases in attempts to compensate for feeling unsuccessful.
Compensating for Feelings of Inadequacy May Backfire
According to a new study published in the Journal of Consumer Research (link is external), our attempts to compensate for feelings of inadequacy could leave us feeling worse. A series of experiments tested how subjects felt and behaved after trying to compensate for the threats they felt toward their self-image.
Researchers discovered that people who tried to prove themselves worthy were more likely to dwell on their shortcomings. Ultimately, subjects felt worse about themselves after trying to compensate for the threats they felt to their self-image. Surprisingly, feeling bad wasn’t the only problem—their impaired self-worth also decreased their self-control.
In a series of experiments, researchers tested how feelings of incompetence impacted people. Subjects participated in activities such as writing essays about times when they felt incompetent and recalling products that helped them feel better.
Researchers discovered that people struggled to resist eating chocolate candy when they used products or activities to try to overcome their feelings of inadequacy. This was only true when subjects tried to boost their self-worth in an area directly related to their most recent shortcoming.
For example, a high-profile business person who is overlooked for a promotion may try to feel successful by purchasing expensive brands of clothing. But wearing the expensive clothing is likely to cause her to think about not getting the promotion even more. Ruminating on her shortcomings is likely to reduce her self-control and may cause her to struggle to resist temptations in other areas.
If that same professional tried to address her psychological injury, however, by focusing on other areas of her life—like her social life—she may gain more benefit. Hosting a party, for example, may increase her feelings of social self-worth and could prevent her from dwelling on her lack of professional success. Shifting her focus from a domain where she feels incompetent to an area where she feels capable is less likely to impair her self-control.
Avoid Making Problems Worse
If we're not careful, our attempts to heal our psychological injuries can equate to putting a Band-Aid on an axe wound. Here are 3 important things we can learn from this research:
- Retail therapy may provide momentary relief, but could lead to decreased satisfaction in the long-term.
- Trying to project an image meant to make yourself feel better may actually make you feel worse.
- Masking our insecurities taxes our mental resources and leads to decreased self-control.
When you’ve made a major mistake, experienced a failed attempt, or felt insulted by someone’s remarks, acknowledge your feelings. Then decide on the best course of action. Rather than taking steps to try and prove you’re still “good enough,” find an unrelated activity that will help you cope with uncomfortable feelings.
2015年7月14日
5 Signs You’re Living Too Small
The case for putting yourself out there.
How do you live your life? Do you proactively make the most of your
talents and seek out fulfilling experiences and relationships? Or is
your focus on avoiding pain, confrontation and embarrassment—in other words, making yourself as small a target as possible so the world won’t shoot you down?
Putting yourself out there can be unsettling, but it feels worse to wonder what might have been.
Are you giving yourself the chance to be your best and to experience all that you can? Or are you living a miniature life? Here are five signs you’re living too small for your inherent bigness:
1. You wait to be asked …
… to speak in the meeting, to go to the movies, to have a turn with the karaoke mic, to join the conversation at a party, to share your opinion. Putting yourself forward is just not in your DNA. What if you speak up and say something stupid? What if you ask someone to the movies and they say no? Better to sit back and wait until someone begs you to join in. That way, if things go wrong, you can say, “Hey, it wasn’t my idea.”
The reality: If you wait to be asked, the invitation may never come. Yes, that might mean you sometimes avoid embarrassment, but it also means you are going to miss chances to grow, learn, and just have fun.
2. You’ll do anything to avoid confrontation.
No matter how big or legitimate your complaint, you can’t bring yourself to actually confront a person with your grievance. What if they get mad? What if they come up with some complaints about you in return? Instead, you live with the problem, and complain about your boss to your spouse, about your spouse to your friend, and about your friend to your sister, etc.
The reality: It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but doing so in a diplomatic way is more respectful to everyone involved than venting behind someone's back. It’s also your best hope for bringing about real change. Give the person a chance to make things better or explain. You will both be better off for it.
3. You make room for the little stuff in your life before the big.
Life seems full of minutia—errands, chores, email, to-do lists. But despite all the busyness, it doesn’t seem to add up to much at the end of the day. You often feel as though you’re missing the big picture.
The reality: The oft-told story of the rocks in the jar applies here: If you put the little stuff in the jar first—the pebbles and the sand—you won’t have room for the rocks. But add the rocks first—the important things, such as family, health, faith and relationships—and the pebbles and the sand can be worked into the empty spaces. The point is not that there’s a way to squeeze everything into your life, but you should prioritize the things that really matter.
4. Criticism lays you low rather than helping you grow.
When discouraging words come your way, you see it as confirmation of what you suspected all along—I’m a loser. And it doesn’t even need to be words. A single disgusted look can make you wither. That’s why you wear a heavy coat of armor whenever you deal with people, whether at home, at work, or out in the world. You are eternally, exhaustingly, braced for attack.
The reality: People usually mean a lot less by their criticism than we hear. Pay attention to your reaction the next time you are at the receiving end of a negative comment. Does your pulse race, does your face go red, or are you hearing the outraged or anguished commentary in your head rather than really listening to what the person is saying? Try to stop yourself and listen as though you were taking notes for another person. Is the criticism valid? Is there something to learn from it? If so, great! You’ve had a positive experience, albeit a painful one. If not, say, “I see your point but I disagree, and here’s why.” Then move on.
5. You plan more than you produce.
You have ideas, maybe lots of them. You spend hours, weeks, months, even years thinking about them, planning them, and examining the pros and cons from all angles. But when push comes to shove, you find a million reasons not to do them. They probably won’t work anyway, you tell yourself. And what if you put your heart and soul into one of these projects and then it’s met with ridicule or, even worse, silence? Better to wait until everything is perfect.
The reality: Yes, it would hurt if your brainchild were met with indifference or derision, but what’s the alternative? Never taking a chance? Never seeing what you can really do? Stripping away the layers of creativity until all that’s left is an inoffensive shell? Perfection is an illusion, of course, and virtually every success story is preceded by a string of failures, sometimes spectacular. Be willing to have your own. Even if nothing turns out as you planned, you’ll learn plenty about what to do next time. At the very least, you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I gave it my best shot.”
Putting yourself out there can be unsettling, but it feels worse to wonder what might have been.
Are you giving yourself the chance to be your best and to experience all that you can? Or are you living a miniature life? Here are five signs you’re living too small for your inherent bigness:
1. You wait to be asked …
… to speak in the meeting, to go to the movies, to have a turn with the karaoke mic, to join the conversation at a party, to share your opinion. Putting yourself forward is just not in your DNA. What if you speak up and say something stupid? What if you ask someone to the movies and they say no? Better to sit back and wait until someone begs you to join in. That way, if things go wrong, you can say, “Hey, it wasn’t my idea.”
The reality: If you wait to be asked, the invitation may never come. Yes, that might mean you sometimes avoid embarrassment, but it also means you are going to miss chances to grow, learn, and just have fun.
2. You’ll do anything to avoid confrontation.
No matter how big or legitimate your complaint, you can’t bring yourself to actually confront a person with your grievance. What if they get mad? What if they come up with some complaints about you in return? Instead, you live with the problem, and complain about your boss to your spouse, about your spouse to your friend, and about your friend to your sister, etc.
The reality: It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but doing so in a diplomatic way is more respectful to everyone involved than venting behind someone's back. It’s also your best hope for bringing about real change. Give the person a chance to make things better or explain. You will both be better off for it.
3. You make room for the little stuff in your life before the big.
Life seems full of minutia—errands, chores, email, to-do lists. But despite all the busyness, it doesn’t seem to add up to much at the end of the day. You often feel as though you’re missing the big picture.
The reality: The oft-told story of the rocks in the jar applies here: If you put the little stuff in the jar first—the pebbles and the sand—you won’t have room for the rocks. But add the rocks first—the important things, such as family, health, faith and relationships—and the pebbles and the sand can be worked into the empty spaces. The point is not that there’s a way to squeeze everything into your life, but you should prioritize the things that really matter.
Source: Jochen Schoenfeld/Shutterstock
When discouraging words come your way, you see it as confirmation of what you suspected all along—I’m a loser. And it doesn’t even need to be words. A single disgusted look can make you wither. That’s why you wear a heavy coat of armor whenever you deal with people, whether at home, at work, or out in the world. You are eternally, exhaustingly, braced for attack.
The reality: People usually mean a lot less by their criticism than we hear. Pay attention to your reaction the next time you are at the receiving end of a negative comment. Does your pulse race, does your face go red, or are you hearing the outraged or anguished commentary in your head rather than really listening to what the person is saying? Try to stop yourself and listen as though you were taking notes for another person. Is the criticism valid? Is there something to learn from it? If so, great! You’ve had a positive experience, albeit a painful one. If not, say, “I see your point but I disagree, and here’s why.” Then move on.
5. You plan more than you produce.
You have ideas, maybe lots of them. You spend hours, weeks, months, even years thinking about them, planning them, and examining the pros and cons from all angles. But when push comes to shove, you find a million reasons not to do them. They probably won’t work anyway, you tell yourself. And what if you put your heart and soul into one of these projects and then it’s met with ridicule or, even worse, silence? Better to wait until everything is perfect.
The reality: Yes, it would hurt if your brainchild were met with indifference or derision, but what’s the alternative? Never taking a chance? Never seeing what you can really do? Stripping away the layers of creativity until all that’s left is an inoffensive shell? Perfection is an illusion, of course, and virtually every success story is preceded by a string of failures, sometimes spectacular. Be willing to have your own. Even if nothing turns out as you planned, you’ll learn plenty about what to do next time. At the very least, you’ll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I gave it my best shot.”
超神奇！這樣睡，睡五分鐘等於六鐘頭?! 我自己試了，真的差超級多！！
通常一個人睡兩個鐘頭就夠了，為什麼有人要睡七、八個鐘頭?那是你賴床躺在枕頭上休息的習慣養成的，並非我們需要那麼久的睡眠時間，尤其打坐做功夫的人曉得，正午只要閉眼真正睡著三分鐘，等於睡兩個鐘頭，不過要對好正午的時間。夜晚則要在正子時睡著，五分鐘等於六個鐘頭。
就這個時間的學問又大了，同宇宙法則、地球法則、易經陰陽的道理有關係，而且你會感覺到，心臟下面硬是有一股力量降下來，與丹田(腎上)的力量融 合，所謂「水火既濟」，豁然一下，那你睡眠夠了，精神百倍。所以失眠或真要夜裡熬夜的人，正子時的時刻，哪怕二十分鐘也一定要睡，睡不著也要訓練自己睡 著。
過了正子時大約十二點半以後，你不會想睡了，這很糟糕。更嚴重的，到了天快亮，四、五點鐘，五、六點卯時的時候，你又困得想睡，這時如果一睡，一天 都會昏頭。所以想從事熬夜工作的人，正子時，即使有天大的事也要擺下來，睡它半小時，到了卯時想睡覺千萬不要睡，那一天精神就夠了。
不過失眠的人都挨過十二點，在床上翻來覆去睡不著，結果快天亮睡著了，到第二天下午都昏頭昏腦，因此你會感覺失眠、睡眠不足，實際上是你沒有經驗。
睡眠的方法
交通規則 – 你不懂就容易出事故。比如說，23 點至凌晨 3點為子丑時，膽肝經最活躍的時候，肝膽要回血，「躺下去回血，站起來供血」。如果你每晚 22 點鐘左右躺下，靜靜得不要說話，到 23點的時候，也就睡著了。肝膽開始回血，把有毒的血過濾掉，產生新鮮的血液，到一百歲也沒有膽結石，也沒有肝炎、囊腫一類的病。
如果你天天熬夜到 1點多，肝回不了血，有毒的血排不掉，新鮮的血生不成，膽又無法換膽汁，所以這些人容易得膽結石、囊腫、大三陽、小三陽各種病症。在歐洲地區，平均四個人 就有一個肝炎攜帶者，這就叫不懂規則。睡前半小時最好不要講話，睡覺的時候更不要說話，如一說話，肺經動，然後心經又動，(因為心肺共為上焦)人就容易進 入興奮狀態，所以就很難入睡。
21：00—23：00為亥時。亥時三焦經旺，三焦通百脈。亥時入眠，百脈皆得濡養，故百歲老人得共同特點即21：00(亥時)之前入睡。女性若想 長久的保持容顏嬌好，應做到早睡早期。睡覺要關窗，不能開風扇、不能開空調，人生病很多都與此有關，因為人在睡眠之中，氣血流通緩慢，體溫下降，人體會在 表面形成一種陽氣層，這種陽氣層它使人叫「鬼魅不侵」，什麼意思呢，陽氣足的人，不做惡夢，就是這種陽氣，佔了上風。
開空調，開風扇，情況就不一樣了，開窗戶，窗戶走的是風，風入的是筋，如果開空調，也有風，風入筋，寒入骨，早上起來，身上發黃，臉發黃，脖子後面 那條筋發硬，骨節痠痛，甚至有人就開始發燒，這就是風和寒侵入到了筋和骨頭裡的緣故，這也就是氣受傷了。如果說晚上睡覺不開窗，不開空調，不開風扇，連房 門也關上，效果最好，如果熱，把房門打開，把窗戶關上，效果就差了一點，但是他不至於第二天早上起來渾身乏力，後背僵硬。
有人把客廳的空調開開了，把臥室的門打開，和直接開空調睡覺是差不多的，開了空調以後，空調那個寒進了骨了，所以心裡發冷，心在哪，心在腦髓，腦為 髓之海，骨髓裡有寒，那肯定心裡就寒了，怎麼辦，補腎陽、補中氣，什麼時候補到心裡不冷，燒就退了，寒走出去了。睡覺要儘量早睡，睡得晚，傷了少陽之氣， 必然第二天是疲倦無力，要關上窗戶，不開空調、電扇，保護陽氣。
肝膽在下焦，如果胃出現問題的時候，他就會出現寢睡不安，一個是胃寒，如果這個人胃陽本來就不足，過多的喝綠茶，就會出現胃寒，胃寒的時候人是睡不 好覺的，或者吃帶泥沙之物過多，胃隱隱作寒，肯定是睡不好。再一個是胃熱，就是熱氣往上走，嘴裡喘的都是熱氣，像這種情況也睡不好覺;再一個是胃燥，口乾 舌燥，胃裡感覺到燥。
還有一個就是胃厚，氣味的味，胃厚，這種情況就是吃了這種厚膩的味道，有人吃海鮮、吃魚、吃燉雞，味道好鮮美，吃多了，美味不可多用，這些東西在裡 面要稀釋它，不稀釋它，它在裡面味太厚了，所以這個也睡不好覺。再一個腹漲，腹是漲鼓鼓的，也睡不著，翻來覆去也睡不著;再一個是胃氣太虛，冒冷汗，這也 睡不好覺，這些原因都可能形成胃不寧，胃不寧就睡不好。
睡覺時要肢暖，四肢要暖，因為四肢是陽之本，這個大家都知道了，四肢不暖，肯定是腎陽不足，應該在睡覺之前把手腳捂暖，手腳和肚臍、背後的命門都要蓋好。
睡眠法因人而異，下面介紹 3 種做法：
1）睡覺前簡單的壓腿，然後在床上自然盤坐，兩手重疊放於腿上，自然呼吸，感覺全身毛孔隨呼吸一張一合，若能流淚打哈欠效果最佳，到了想睡覺時倒下便睡。
2） 仰臥，自然呼吸，感覺呼吸像春風，先融化大腳趾，然後是其他腳趾，接著腳、小腿、大腿逐漸融化。如還未醒著，再從頭做。
3） 入睡快的人可右側臥，右手掌托右耳。右掌心為火，耳為水，二者形成水火即濟，在人體中形成心腎相交。久之，養心滋腎。
睡眠一定要早起，即使在冬天，也不可超過 6 點起床，春夏秋季儘量在5點之前起床，因為人在寅時(3點—5點)肺經旺的時候起床，能夠使肺氣得以舒展，以順應陽氣的舒長，來完成新陳代謝，肅降濁氣， 使肺氣清，這樣有助於養肺和順應太陽的天勢升起人體陽氣，使人一天陽氣充足，否則，就好像發動機，過了這段好時機就很難發動人體陽氣，人體陽氣淤積在人體 下部不能由命門向上發動升起，會形成文明用語氣，嚴重損害人的身心健康。
早晨 5 點至 7點是人體大腸經最旺的時候，人體需要把代謝的濁物排出體外，此時如果不起床，大腸得不到充分活動，無法很好的完成排濁功能，使濁物停留而形成毒素，危害 人體血液和臟腑百骸。早晨7 點到 9 點人體胃經最旺，9 點到 11點人體脾經最旺，這時人的消化吸收運化的能力最好，如果這時還不起床，人體胃酸會嚴重腐蝕胃粘膜，人體在最佳吸收營養時間得不到營養，長期以來會患脾 胃疾病，造成營養不良、中氣塌陷。
所以千萬不要賴床，賴床會造成頭昏、疲憊不堪、睡眠不足的感覺，而應按時起床，歷史上許多偉人都是有三四點鐘起床的習慣，比如華盛頓、拿破崙、康熙 皇帝、曾國藩等。另外早起能增加工作效益，俗話說：「三天早起，一天工」。現代醫學證明，早睡早起的人精神壓力較小，不易患精神類疾病。早晨不要太早出去 鍛鍊，因為早晨在太陽沒有出來之前，地下道的漳氣、濁氣正往上走(尤其是城市)，這些氣對人體損傷是很嚴重的。
養身三大事，一睡眠，二便利，三飲食，其餘起居、服裝等皆是輔助。三事中睡眠第一。然胃納不和者，夜眠不安，故以通便利為第二。而飲食無節，飢飽過 度者，腸胃必受傷，而營養日減。睡以安神為主，神以心安為主，應配合年齡，壯年至多七小時至八小時，多睡則智昏頭暈眼紅脹，四肢疲軟，童年必睡足八小時， 或過九小時勿礙，老或病人至多六小時已足。
就這個時間的學問又大了，同宇宙法則、地球法則、易經陰陽的道理有關係，而且你會感覺到，心臟下面硬是有一股力量降下來，與丹田(腎上)的力量融 合，所謂「水火既濟」，豁然一下，那你睡眠夠了，精神百倍。所以失眠或真要夜裡熬夜的人，正子時的時刻，哪怕二十分鐘也一定要睡，睡不著也要訓練自己睡 著。
過了正子時大約十二點半以後，你不會想睡了，這很糟糕。更嚴重的，到了天快亮，四、五點鐘，五、六點卯時的時候，你又困得想睡，這時如果一睡，一天 都會昏頭。所以想從事熬夜工作的人，正子時，即使有天大的事也要擺下來，睡它半小時，到了卯時想睡覺千萬不要睡，那一天精神就夠了。
不過失眠的人都挨過十二點，在床上翻來覆去睡不著，結果快天亮睡著了，到第二天下午都昏頭昏腦，因此你會感覺失眠、睡眠不足，實際上是你沒有經驗。
睡眠的方法
交通規則 – 你不懂就容易出事故。比如說，23 點至凌晨 3點為子丑時，膽肝經最活躍的時候，肝膽要回血，「躺下去回血，站起來供血」。如果你每晚 22 點鐘左右躺下，靜靜得不要說話，到 23點的時候，也就睡著了。肝膽開始回血，把有毒的血過濾掉，產生新鮮的血液，到一百歲也沒有膽結石，也沒有肝炎、囊腫一類的病。
如果你天天熬夜到 1點多，肝回不了血，有毒的血排不掉，新鮮的血生不成，膽又無法換膽汁，所以這些人容易得膽結石、囊腫、大三陽、小三陽各種病症。在歐洲地區，平均四個人 就有一個肝炎攜帶者，這就叫不懂規則。睡前半小時最好不要講話，睡覺的時候更不要說話，如一說話，肺經動，然後心經又動，(因為心肺共為上焦)人就容易進 入興奮狀態，所以就很難入睡。
21：00—23：00為亥時。亥時三焦經旺，三焦通百脈。亥時入眠，百脈皆得濡養，故百歲老人得共同特點即21：00(亥時)之前入睡。女性若想 長久的保持容顏嬌好，應做到早睡早期。睡覺要關窗，不能開風扇、不能開空調，人生病很多都與此有關，因為人在睡眠之中，氣血流通緩慢，體溫下降，人體會在 表面形成一種陽氣層，這種陽氣層它使人叫「鬼魅不侵」，什麼意思呢，陽氣足的人，不做惡夢，就是這種陽氣，佔了上風。
開空調，開風扇，情況就不一樣了，開窗戶，窗戶走的是風，風入的是筋，如果開空調，也有風，風入筋，寒入骨，早上起來，身上發黃，臉發黃，脖子後面 那條筋發硬，骨節痠痛，甚至有人就開始發燒，這就是風和寒侵入到了筋和骨頭裡的緣故，這也就是氣受傷了。如果說晚上睡覺不開窗，不開空調，不開風扇，連房 門也關上，效果最好，如果熱，把房門打開，把窗戶關上，效果就差了一點，但是他不至於第二天早上起來渾身乏力，後背僵硬。
有人把客廳的空調開開了，把臥室的門打開，和直接開空調睡覺是差不多的，開了空調以後，空調那個寒進了骨了，所以心裡發冷，心在哪，心在腦髓，腦為 髓之海，骨髓裡有寒，那肯定心裡就寒了，怎麼辦，補腎陽、補中氣，什麼時候補到心裡不冷，燒就退了，寒走出去了。睡覺要儘量早睡，睡得晚，傷了少陽之氣， 必然第二天是疲倦無力，要關上窗戶，不開空調、電扇，保護陽氣。
肝膽在下焦，如果胃出現問題的時候，他就會出現寢睡不安，一個是胃寒，如果這個人胃陽本來就不足，過多的喝綠茶，就會出現胃寒，胃寒的時候人是睡不 好覺的，或者吃帶泥沙之物過多，胃隱隱作寒，肯定是睡不好。再一個是胃熱，就是熱氣往上走，嘴裡喘的都是熱氣，像這種情況也睡不好覺;再一個是胃燥，口乾 舌燥，胃裡感覺到燥。
還有一個就是胃厚，氣味的味，胃厚，這種情況就是吃了這種厚膩的味道，有人吃海鮮、吃魚、吃燉雞，味道好鮮美，吃多了，美味不可多用，這些東西在裡 面要稀釋它，不稀釋它，它在裡面味太厚了，所以這個也睡不好覺。再一個腹漲，腹是漲鼓鼓的，也睡不著，翻來覆去也睡不著;再一個是胃氣太虛，冒冷汗，這也 睡不好覺，這些原因都可能形成胃不寧，胃不寧就睡不好。
睡覺時要肢暖，四肢要暖，因為四肢是陽之本，這個大家都知道了，四肢不暖，肯定是腎陽不足，應該在睡覺之前把手腳捂暖，手腳和肚臍、背後的命門都要蓋好。
睡眠法因人而異，下面介紹 3 種做法：
1）睡覺前簡單的壓腿，然後在床上自然盤坐，兩手重疊放於腿上，自然呼吸，感覺全身毛孔隨呼吸一張一合，若能流淚打哈欠效果最佳，到了想睡覺時倒下便睡。
2） 仰臥，自然呼吸，感覺呼吸像春風，先融化大腳趾，然後是其他腳趾，接著腳、小腿、大腿逐漸融化。如還未醒著，再從頭做。
3） 入睡快的人可右側臥，右手掌托右耳。右掌心為火，耳為水，二者形成水火即濟，在人體中形成心腎相交。久之，養心滋腎。
睡眠一定要早起，即使在冬天，也不可超過 6 點起床，春夏秋季儘量在5點之前起床，因為人在寅時(3點—5點)肺經旺的時候起床，能夠使肺氣得以舒展，以順應陽氣的舒長，來完成新陳代謝，肅降濁氣， 使肺氣清，這樣有助於養肺和順應太陽的天勢升起人體陽氣，使人一天陽氣充足，否則，就好像發動機，過了這段好時機就很難發動人體陽氣，人體陽氣淤積在人體 下部不能由命門向上發動升起，會形成文明用語氣，嚴重損害人的身心健康。
早晨 5 點至 7點是人體大腸經最旺的時候，人體需要把代謝的濁物排出體外，此時如果不起床，大腸得不到充分活動，無法很好的完成排濁功能，使濁物停留而形成毒素，危害 人體血液和臟腑百骸。早晨7 點到 9 點人體胃經最旺，9 點到 11點人體脾經最旺，這時人的消化吸收運化的能力最好，如果這時還不起床，人體胃酸會嚴重腐蝕胃粘膜，人體在最佳吸收營養時間得不到營養，長期以來會患脾 胃疾病，造成營養不良、中氣塌陷。
所以千萬不要賴床，賴床會造成頭昏、疲憊不堪、睡眠不足的感覺，而應按時起床，歷史上許多偉人都是有三四點鐘起床的習慣，比如華盛頓、拿破崙、康熙 皇帝、曾國藩等。另外早起能增加工作效益，俗話說：「三天早起，一天工」。現代醫學證明，早睡早起的人精神壓力較小，不易患精神類疾病。早晨不要太早出去 鍛鍊，因為早晨在太陽沒有出來之前，地下道的漳氣、濁氣正往上走(尤其是城市)，這些氣對人體損傷是很嚴重的。
養身三大事，一睡眠，二便利，三飲食，其餘起居、服裝等皆是輔助。三事中睡眠第一。然胃納不和者，夜眠不安，故以通便利為第二。而飲食無節，飢飽過 度者，腸胃必受傷，而營養日減。睡以安神為主，神以心安為主，應配合年齡，壯年至多七小時至八小時，多睡則智昏頭暈眼紅脹，四肢疲軟，童年必睡足八小時， 或過九小時勿礙，老或病人至多六小時已足。
挫折感像砂粒一樣磨損人的心，她什麼也不說，選擇了最笨拙而最有效的道路：學習
蝶變，往往要以時間作為交換。
很多年前我便認識她，那時我剛出茅廬，剛開始有大學女生慕名而來，其中就有她一個。
第一面我吃了一驚，想來想去，最客觀的評價還是一個字：… …醜。
農家女，矮個子，扁平臉塌鼻梁，皮膚黃黃的，最觸目驚心的是一口爛牙，一說話一笑就像是在齜牙咧嘴。她眼神誠懇，我卻有點兒不知所措：我能給她什麼樣的建議?尤其是，她還是專科生。
這聽起來是一個輸在起跑線上的人生：出身寒微，掙扎出雞窩卻離枝頭遠得很。專科畢業的她，將來能做什麼呢?尤其是職場，往往都要以相貌打底，她有再多優點，也會被她土氣甚至難看的面容全盤擋住。女孩子到底是長得好還是要嫁得好?彷彿，她兩者都沒份。
後來沒再見過面，只斷斷續續有聯繫;又過兩年，她留校當起了助教;我後來有機會舉辦了校園講座，我事後才知道消息，說她正在那所大學讀研究所，可惜沒來參加… …
不久前，我意外地在一次活動中遇見她——是她熱情地喊我名字，我先沒認出她來，她報出名字來，我嚇了一跳：「判若兩人」都不能形容她，幾乎是天人之 別了。嬌小個子，身材保持得很好，一件香奈兒小黑裙穿得玲瓏有致，八釐米高跟鞋進退自如。髮型精緻，妝容得體，細看，五官仍平凡，膚質仍泛黃——但這有什 麼關係，白璧亦有微瑕。她活潑了很多，常常大說大笑，但牙齒順眼了，她笑著說：「前幾年戴了牙套。」
細問她的近況：原來她已經博士畢業，現在大學教專業課程。婚姻方面有些蹉跎，過了三十五歲才嫁給大她一歲的同校老師，去年生了兒子。我問得直接，她答得落落大方。談起孩子，她詼諧地說：「我教育孩子的原則就是：人醜就要多讀書。」仰頭哈哈一笑，全不帶一點陰霾。
曾經的她，能如此坦然說起自己的外貌嗎?我想不起來了。
別撇嘴，說這不過是一個勵志故事，我看到的，不是故事，是近在身邊的、活生生的人，一個完美的範例，讓我看到，人可以如何靠努力改變命運。她曾經一 無所有，無背景，無學歷，無顏值，只有一顆向上的心、不曾停下的雙腳。我知道她愛過，但這愛被嫌棄了，挫折感像砂粒一樣磨損人的心，她什麼也不說，一直往 前走，選擇了最笨拙而最有效的道路：學習。
多麼艱難的一條路，忍受寂寞、疲倦，同齡人有些嫁作人妻、相夫教子，有些在職場上盡情揮灑，有些吃喝玩樂、享受青春，自己卻只有一卷書一盞燈而已。 讀出來會怎麼樣?是否一定有未來?她徬徨過沒有，有沒有起意放棄過?我想她能確定的就是：讀不出來，多半沒有未來。心繫一處，守口如瓶，是唯一的成功之 道。
有人鄙視她：不過是個女鳳凰。這裡面有明確的歧視，但也可以視為嫉妒，博士、副教授在手的她，有夫有子，自此可以安身立命了。
於是，她變美了。
常聽年輕女孩子說：讀書沒有用，這是一個看臉的社會。還有人對我的觀念不以為然：提升了自己又怎麼樣?還不是一樣要被男人挑來選去，皮膚也差了、年紀也大了，有什麼優勢。
也許她們是對的，但我認識的一個男人這麼說：只有年輕男孩子才不管不顧，只挑漂亮小姑娘呢;男人到了三十上下，都很現實，都願意找家境好、工作好、能力強的——如果還長得漂亮，就更好了。
除非天生麗質，生來就要成為藝術品。否則，這世上大部分事物或人，其實都以實用為主——美貌，只是錦上添花。所以，你得先成為錦。
來源：意林雜誌
很多年前我便認識她，那時我剛出茅廬，剛開始有大學女生慕名而來，其中就有她一個。
第一面我吃了一驚，想來想去，最客觀的評價還是一個字：… …醜。
農家女，矮個子，扁平臉塌鼻梁，皮膚黃黃的，最觸目驚心的是一口爛牙，一說話一笑就像是在齜牙咧嘴。她眼神誠懇，我卻有點兒不知所措：我能給她什麼樣的建議?尤其是，她還是專科生。
這聽起來是一個輸在起跑線上的人生：出身寒微，掙扎出雞窩卻離枝頭遠得很。專科畢業的她，將來能做什麼呢?尤其是職場，往往都要以相貌打底，她有再多優點，也會被她土氣甚至難看的面容全盤擋住。女孩子到底是長得好還是要嫁得好?彷彿，她兩者都沒份。
後來沒再見過面，只斷斷續續有聯繫;又過兩年，她留校當起了助教;我後來有機會舉辦了校園講座，我事後才知道消息，說她正在那所大學讀研究所，可惜沒來參加… …
不久前，我意外地在一次活動中遇見她——是她熱情地喊我名字，我先沒認出她來，她報出名字來，我嚇了一跳：「判若兩人」都不能形容她，幾乎是天人之 別了。嬌小個子，身材保持得很好，一件香奈兒小黑裙穿得玲瓏有致，八釐米高跟鞋進退自如。髮型精緻，妝容得體，細看，五官仍平凡，膚質仍泛黃——但這有什 麼關係，白璧亦有微瑕。她活潑了很多，常常大說大笑，但牙齒順眼了，她笑著說：「前幾年戴了牙套。」
細問她的近況：原來她已經博士畢業，現在大學教專業課程。婚姻方面有些蹉跎，過了三十五歲才嫁給大她一歲的同校老師，去年生了兒子。我問得直接，她答得落落大方。談起孩子，她詼諧地說：「我教育孩子的原則就是：人醜就要多讀書。」仰頭哈哈一笑，全不帶一點陰霾。
曾經的她，能如此坦然說起自己的外貌嗎?我想不起來了。
別撇嘴，說這不過是一個勵志故事，我看到的，不是故事，是近在身邊的、活生生的人，一個完美的範例，讓我看到，人可以如何靠努力改變命運。她曾經一 無所有，無背景，無學歷，無顏值，只有一顆向上的心、不曾停下的雙腳。我知道她愛過，但這愛被嫌棄了，挫折感像砂粒一樣磨損人的心，她什麼也不說，一直往 前走，選擇了最笨拙而最有效的道路：學習。
多麼艱難的一條路，忍受寂寞、疲倦，同齡人有些嫁作人妻、相夫教子，有些在職場上盡情揮灑，有些吃喝玩樂、享受青春，自己卻只有一卷書一盞燈而已。 讀出來會怎麼樣?是否一定有未來?她徬徨過沒有，有沒有起意放棄過?我想她能確定的就是：讀不出來，多半沒有未來。心繫一處，守口如瓶，是唯一的成功之 道。
有人鄙視她：不過是個女鳳凰。這裡面有明確的歧視，但也可以視為嫉妒，博士、副教授在手的她，有夫有子，自此可以安身立命了。
於是，她變美了。
常聽年輕女孩子說：讀書沒有用，這是一個看臉的社會。還有人對我的觀念不以為然：提升了自己又怎麼樣?還不是一樣要被男人挑來選去，皮膚也差了、年紀也大了，有什麼優勢。
也許她們是對的，但我認識的一個男人這麼說：只有年輕男孩子才不管不顧，只挑漂亮小姑娘呢;男人到了三十上下，都很現實，都願意找家境好、工作好、能力強的——如果還長得漂亮，就更好了。
除非天生麗質，生來就要成為藝術品。否則，這世上大部分事物或人，其實都以實用為主——美貌，只是錦上添花。所以，你得先成為錦。
來源：意林雜誌
2015年7月13日
老闆喜歡哪種員工？給職場新鮮人的６個基本功
文字：tianesu VOGUE.TW |
圖片：TPG |
來源：好的文化《20幾歲就定位：搶進頂尖百大企業的職場成功法》 |
其他：作者/袁岳 |
更新：5/12/2015 2 MONTHS AGO
六、七月是廣大大學生的畢業季節，同時也是他們成為新進員工的時節。職場對他們而言，是一個全新的體驗，在《20幾歲就定位》一
書中提到，不要先想你做不到，而是要先想怎麼做到；不要先想別人沒做過，而是要想到需要具備哪些條件；不要覺得目標高不可攀，而是要直接去接觸那些可能提
供資源的人。到底進入職場需要注意哪些觀念？擁有哪些技能？以下6點是作者希望能提供給新鮮人的基本功：
1. 建立對成效的認知。在學校中，以考試為學習的終結點，在公司裡，則以成效為衡量的依據，因此，首先要明白對自己工作的目標與要求，並找到學習的標竿和努力的方向。在開始的時候，為了盡快適應這個過程，必須比別人勤奮，且認真地學習，才能有超出其他新人的突出表現。
2. 建立創造觀念。在 學校裡，老師講課、安排作業，就連所謂的「思考題目」，很多都是老師已經在課堂上說過的，只是換了一個場景而已。然而在工作中，很多事不是單純地問人的問 題，需事要在工作任務下達後，多做點研究功課，並提出自己的模擬對策，再有不懂的才去向人請教。在這其中，自己的構想、嘗試與設計佔了很大的一部分，即使 方向並非完全正確，但這會給同事們留下「肯動腦」的印象。
3. 觀察法。假定自己只是一個旁觀者，注意對公司很多事進行觀察、記錄、思考，甚至是反思，這樣的用心會讓你比一般人更能超然地面對問題，也能讓你中立地看待一些同事、主管和你的交往，有些不愉快的經驗甚至也因此變得能夠容忍。這將幫助你培養一個很好的理性心態。
4. 從「同情觀」到「同事觀」。我們私底下交往的方式是喜歡和人們成為姐妹淘或拜把兄弟，喝點兒「革命小酒」，吹點兒「革命小牛」。但在公司裡則不同，就算我們不喜歡某個人，我們還是必須和他一起工作，或向他學習業務。公司是一個做我們喜歡和應該做的事的地方，但不見得是與我們喜歡的人一起共事的地方。
5. 主動學習。學習是同學們在學校裡的主要任務，安排課程則是老師們的工作。雖然在公司裡也會有培訓與組織學習，但更多的是與業務相關的知識和技能，因此，我們必需須對自己的學習有系統地組織與規劃，才能真正讓自己成為持續學習的人。
6. 尊重體制下的直接溝通。在學校談天說地還好，但在公司裡評論主管和同事，往往會有後遺症，所以，新人最好不要在背後議論同事或公司的長短，如果遇到老員工這麼做時，可以聆聽，但不要參與表態。遇到問題可以公開說，或者以書面提出意見，即便如此，也要多掌握實際的情況，而不是情緒化地發牢騷。
就算了解了以上的基本功，我們更要知道最重要，也是最關鍵的，老闆喜歡哪種員工？《20幾歲就定位》歸納出以下５點：
1. 老闆喜歡具備獨立思考能力的員工，他們對許多困難的問題上有比較細膩的描述，並能根據自己已有的知識與搜集到的資訊，提出有價值的解決方法。因為老闆不見得對任何問題都能有快速的決策，而且很多時候，下屬若能提供一些選項給他參考，可以減少他的決策壓力。
2. 雖然事情不容易做，但不會輕易地喊苦，尤其不會當眾叫苦，因而影響到集體的情緒，或者煽動集體情緒，而形成對老闆的公共壓力，而是表現出積極去面對的勇氣和實際的行動，這樣一來，老闆能夠比較從容地思考，並分散處理問題的壓力。
3. 在獲得的授權範圍內謹慎行事，盡量不踰越授權的範圍，而在重大授權上，即使老闆讓你可以方便行事，你也要懂得在行動後報告和備案，這會為老闆樹立威信，並成為管理其他下屬的典範。
4. 在最大限度內加強成本控制，即使是合理的預算空間，也要盡量控制支出，並將此類成效總結，然後加以匯總和報告，並在公司內推廣。老闆都喜歡比較好的投入產出比。
5. 在可能發生爭論或責任推諉的事項上勇於任事，在模稜兩可的事項上則不斤斤計較，如此可以提醒老闆你的貢獻，但也不會過於爭利，甚至會主動表現出利益讓渡的行為。大部分老闆都喜歡自己主動給予，而不喜歡被員工強迫給予。
聽起來，這樣似乎讓員工付出的成本過高，但上述行為往往使你顯得與眾不同，進而脫穎而出。很多時候，我們注意了與群體的行為一致 性，卻也同時模糊了自己的獨特性。當我們有了獨特的表現，並且付出了相應代價後，我們就比較大可能和其他同事產生差異化，假定在此條件下，還是不能得到適 當的回報，則可以考慮工作的轉換。這類行為和特點通常更能得到管理階層的讚賞，所以即使在A地不能得到很好的發展，在B地也有可能受到歡迎。
1. 建立對成效的認知。在學校中，以考試為學習的終結點，在公司裡，則以成效為衡量的依據，因此，首先要明白對自己工作的目標與要求，並找到學習的標竿和努力的方向。在開始的時候，為了盡快適應這個過程，必須比別人勤奮，且認真地學習，才能有超出其他新人的突出表現。
2. 建立創造觀念。在 學校裡，老師講課、安排作業，就連所謂的「思考題目」，很多都是老師已經在課堂上說過的，只是換了一個場景而已。然而在工作中，很多事不是單純地問人的問 題，需事要在工作任務下達後，多做點研究功課，並提出自己的模擬對策，再有不懂的才去向人請教。在這其中，自己的構想、嘗試與設計佔了很大的一部分，即使 方向並非完全正確，但這會給同事們留下「肯動腦」的印象。
3. 觀察法。假定自己只是一個旁觀者，注意對公司很多事進行觀察、記錄、思考，甚至是反思，這樣的用心會讓你比一般人更能超然地面對問題，也能讓你中立地看待一些同事、主管和你的交往，有些不愉快的經驗甚至也因此變得能夠容忍。這將幫助你培養一個很好的理性心態。
4. 從「同情觀」到「同事觀」。我們私底下交往的方式是喜歡和人們成為姐妹淘或拜把兄弟，喝點兒「革命小酒」，吹點兒「革命小牛」。但在公司裡則不同，就算我們不喜歡某個人，我們還是必須和他一起工作，或向他學習業務。公司是一個做我們喜歡和應該做的事的地方，但不見得是與我們喜歡的人一起共事的地方。
5. 主動學習。學習是同學們在學校裡的主要任務，安排課程則是老師們的工作。雖然在公司裡也會有培訓與組織學習，但更多的是與業務相關的知識和技能，因此，我們必需須對自己的學習有系統地組織與規劃，才能真正讓自己成為持續學習的人。
6. 尊重體制下的直接溝通。在學校談天說地還好，但在公司裡評論主管和同事，往往會有後遺症，所以，新人最好不要在背後議論同事或公司的長短，如果遇到老員工這麼做時，可以聆聽，但不要參與表態。遇到問題可以公開說，或者以書面提出意見，即便如此，也要多掌握實際的情況，而不是情緒化地發牢騷。
就算了解了以上的基本功，我們更要知道最重要，也是最關鍵的，老闆喜歡哪種員工？《20幾歲就定位》歸納出以下５點：
1. 老闆喜歡具備獨立思考能力的員工，他們對許多困難的問題上有比較細膩的描述，並能根據自己已有的知識與搜集到的資訊，提出有價值的解決方法。因為老闆不見得對任何問題都能有快速的決策，而且很多時候，下屬若能提供一些選項給他參考，可以減少他的決策壓力。
2. 雖然事情不容易做，但不會輕易地喊苦，尤其不會當眾叫苦，因而影響到集體的情緒，或者煽動集體情緒，而形成對老闆的公共壓力，而是表現出積極去面對的勇氣和實際的行動，這樣一來，老闆能夠比較從容地思考，並分散處理問題的壓力。
3. 在獲得的授權範圍內謹慎行事，盡量不踰越授權的範圍，而在重大授權上，即使老闆讓你可以方便行事，你也要懂得在行動後報告和備案，這會為老闆樹立威信，並成為管理其他下屬的典範。
4. 在最大限度內加強成本控制，即使是合理的預算空間，也要盡量控制支出，並將此類成效總結，然後加以匯總和報告，並在公司內推廣。老闆都喜歡比較好的投入產出比。
5. 在可能發生爭論或責任推諉的事項上勇於任事，在模稜兩可的事項上則不斤斤計較，如此可以提醒老闆你的貢獻，但也不會過於爭利，甚至會主動表現出利益讓渡的行為。大部分老闆都喜歡自己主動給予，而不喜歡被員工強迫給予。
聽起來，這樣似乎讓員工付出的成本過高，但上述行為往往使你顯得與眾不同，進而脫穎而出。很多時候，我們注意了與群體的行為一致 性，卻也同時模糊了自己的獨特性。當我們有了獨特的表現，並且付出了相應代價後，我們就比較大可能和其他同事產生差異化，假定在此條件下，還是不能得到適 當的回報，則可以考慮工作的轉換。這類行為和特點通常更能得到管理階層的讚賞，所以即使在A地不能得到很好的發展，在B地也有可能受到歡迎。
Does Becoming a Dad Make Men More Sexist or Progressive?
... and how those biases could impact the next generation of women.
The recent, and revealing, Shriver Report, “An Insight into the 21st
Century Man” (2015), suggests that men’s valuations of attractiveness,
sweetness, independence, and strength differs greatly depending on
whether they are talking about their wives or their daughters.The report was based on the responses of 818 men who completed an online survey featuring 10 items. Among other things, they were asked to select the two or three traits that they most valued in a wife and in a daughter. Although intelligence topped the list for both wives and daughters—72% of men selected intelligence as important for wives and 81% did the same for daughters—after that, men’s preferences diverged. For example, 45% of men said they valued attractiveness in wives, compared to only 11% who valued good looks in daughters. Similarly, 34% of men valued sweetness in wives, while only 19% valued it highly in their daughters.
What traits did men value more for their daughters? Those likely to help their girls succeed autonomously, without having to depend on men for support: About twice as many men valued independence for daughters (66%) than for their wives (34%). Being strong was also valued much more highly in daughters (48%) than in wives (28%). Independence and strength are the traits most likely to foster both emotional and financial autonomy, and men’s high valuation of these traits in their daughters suggests that they envision their daughters pursuing careers rather than devoting their energies to home and family life.
Although this survey relied on an online, non-probability sample of only 818 men, it echoes the results of peer-reviewed academic research using large probability samples. Having a daughter, then, may lead men to embrace more gender-progressive attitudes (Shafer and Malhotra 2011) while marriage may be associated with a shift to a less egalitarian union (Baxter 2005; Baxter, Haynes, and Hewitt 2010; Meggiolaro 2013).
Still, the gap between men’s preferences for wives and daughters does not necessarily demonstrate an ambivalent acceptance of gender equality (as suggested, for example, by Horwitt 2015). Instead, the explanation might be found in men’s differing relationship to their wives and daughters. Obviously, physical attractiveness is a desired trait in sexual partners of both genders. Likewise, married life may be easier with a sweet-natured partner. Men may trust themselves not to take advantage of a tractable wife, but may not trust their hypothetical daughter’s future partner as much. A strong-minded, independent daughter might be less vulnerable than a sweet-natured, pretty one.
Although the Shriver Institute did not prepare a parallel report surveying women, women could also theoretically value physical attractiveness and sweet temperament more highly in a husband than in a son. If women’s preferences for husbands and sons were to follow the same pattern as men’s preferences, then the explanation may rest in the social relationship rather than the rater’s gender or gender attitudes.
Men’s priorities for wives and daughters might also differ because men identify more with daughters than with wives. If children (of either sex) are seen as an extension of oneself, then parents might simply prefer the same traits in their children as they would like in themselves. If so, men might value what are stereotypically male traits in their children, regardless of gender.
Although it remains unclear why men have different priorities for wives and daughters, the Shriver Report suggests that men’s aspirations for daughters are gender-progressive. If men’s preferences actually shape their parenting, they may help foster independence and self-confidence in their girls. Thus, regardless of the underlying reason, men’s valuation of agentic characteristics in daughters (and devaluation of beauty) may benefit the next generation of women.
订阅：
博文 (Atom)