How to Have a Home Yoga Practice That Sticks

When it comes to yoga teachers, Cyndi Lee is the top of the top—the world-renowned founder of Om Yoga, she is also the author of five books (with a sixth in the works) and, through her teacher-trainings, is a force behind many of the greatest instructors on the planet. She is also about as real as they come. Real Simple deputy editor Danielle Claro asked Cyndi about that ever-elusive entity: the steady home practice.
 

DC: What’s the best way to get into yoga-mind when you’re at home?
CL: The best way to get into yoga-mind is to do yoga. The path is the practice. But if you are anything like me, you might have resistance to doing your practice even though you know you want yourself to do it. I look to the traditions I was taught by my gurus and the first thing to do to prepare for practice is to clean your space. Sweep the floor, dust your altar, gather together props you want to use that day. Don’t make this such a big project that it keeps you from practicing; just let the process of cleaning be a way to honor your practice and cultivate appreciation and excitement for it. Now you have created a home shala, a home practice zone, and it will call you to participate in it. Another way to prime the pump is to stimulate your yoga-mind by reading. Begin to develop a yoga library: biographies of great yogis; practice books; philosophy books. Start each practice with a little bit of reading right on your mat. And, of course, you can always use a yoga video. Sometimes I practice to my own videos and after a while I stop following my own instructions (!) but it gets me started and then I can flow as I like that day.
Do you practice pet-free or is it anyone’s mat?
Definitely let your pet be part of the practice! Do you have a choice? When I got first my puppy, Leroy Brown, he was all over my mat, licking my face in baby cobra, and crawling up into my cross-legged seat. It was cute/annoying and then I finally realized I had to open my mind and simply include him as part of the practice. When I lower from plank down into chadarunga, I worry that I might squish him, but he just naturally moves over on his own. He is a very smart poodle! This eventually pointed toward a deeper teaching because this is exactly what yoga is about. Yoga, union, means inclusivity. Instead of rejecting and trying to get rid of what we don’t like or want right then, we can practice curiosity and inclusivity and in this way, our capacity for compassion and joy and delight expands.
Tell us more.
We all have ideas in the “if only” category—“if only my dog would stay off my mat, my practice would be perfect.” “If only I could lose 10 pounds, I could find the right partner.” “If only I made more money, I could live in the best house and then I would be happy.” This negative thinking prevents us from having appreciation and gratitude for our beautiful and messy life. But yoga is never about shutting out the world, shutting down our mind, or rejecting anything at all. It is about developing strength, stability and clarity so that we can meet our life and whatever arises with an open heart and stable mind. So our time on the mat can include whatever is happening right then: outside sounds, inner thoughts, noisy neighbors, kids playing music, cats and very cute chocolate poodles.
What do you do when you see dust bunnies under the couch? Do you stop and sweep them up? Can you stop thinking about them if you don’t?
Well, yeah, it is tempting to get rid of them. But it’s ok. They’ve been there for a while and they can and will wait for you to sweep them up after your practice. You can use this as an opportunity to focus your mind on what you are doing, which is yoga. Think of this as grist for the mindfulness mill. Because there is always something that will pull you away from your home practice. Even if you’ve been looking forward to it all day, it is not unusual to sit down on your mat and then instantly remember that you were going to defrost a chicken for dinner or you really need to finish that important email first or somehow doing the laundry seems urgent. It’s called resistance. Stay on your mat and drop into your practice. When something pops up, such as “I need to sweep the dust bunnies under the couch,” bookmark that in your mind and keep going with your practice. Then, after practice, sweep the dust bunnies! PS. See answer #1 about cleaning your practice space.
I love the community aspect of coming to class, the smell of the studio, the fact that we’re all kind of dancing together. At home it feels like I’m moving through peanut butter and I often end up just doing my favorite poses and standing on my head. What would help?
It’s ok to do your favorite poses. It might help to just accept that home practice is a different thing than community practice. I also love, love, love practicing with other people but I have learned that home practice is a more contemplative private experience which offers insights about the actual practice, myself, and life in general.
If you want to challenge yourself to do more than just your favorite poses, you can pick one to three poses to do every day. There's a big list of poses that most of us find challenging but if we did them daily, they would start to open up. Please pick poses that might be out of your comfort zone but make sure you have a clear idea of how to begin working on them. That’s where a yoga book can help—I use Light on Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar for continuous inspiration and ideas. Yoga Body Buddha Mind by Cyndi Lee has some good ideas, too...just saying.
Any thoughts/insights on practicing with a video/online class? It feels like screens and yoga can be at odds.
Sure, it is ideal to have an excellent yoga teacher who can give you personalized hands-on adjustments and verbal instructions but that is just not always available. So, let’s do yoga anyway. And I really feel that so many of us yoga teachers who have been teaching for decades have gotten very good at giving articulate verbal instructions which means you don’t have to look at the screen all the time anyway. You know, if you were in a live yoga class with me, you would not be looking at me but you would be listening to me all the time. So in this way, a video class and a live class are very similar. A video also offers the opportunity to rewind and listen again, to take a second look and really integrate study with practice.
What's your advice to those completely new to yoga?
My advice is to just get started and see what happens. Let the whole thing unfold. If you have access to teachers and group yoga classes, make sure to start with a class just for yoga beginners. That is going to set you up for a positive experience. If you don’t like the teacher, check out another teacher until you find someone who “sees” you and helps you feel safe and inspired.
If you don’t have yoga classes in your town, videos are really useful for beginners. It makes it easy to actually see how the poses works so that you can do it properly and get the benefits. Then you can look up the poses in a book to learn more about them for the next time you practice.
Find Cyndi Lee’s classes at gaimtv.com and learn more about her at cyndilee.com.

5 Ways to Deal with Angry People

Stay calm, stay safe, and don't make it worse.

Post published by Ryan Martin Ph.D. on Jun 09, 2015 in All the Rage

 Most of my work looks at how we can understand and manage our own experiences with anger. However, there’s another side to this, since we all have to talk to, or work with, angry people all the time. Those interactions can be challenging—so here are 5 ways to deal with angry people.
First, though, a caveat: People experience and express their anger in a lot of different ways. Some internalize by pouting or withdrawing. Some yell, scream, swear, or insult others. Obviously, the way to respond to different anger expressions will differ. For the purpose of this post, I’m writing about ways to deal with people who are verbally aggressive, insulting, or even threatening.
1. Ask Yourself if the Anger is Justified
Sometimes anger is perfectly reasonable and it is always emotionally wise to consider the feelings of others during an interaction. You should ask yourself why the person is angry, what role you may have played, and if there is anything you can or should do to resolve the situation. It’s important to note that a person can be justifiably angry, yet express that anger in an unjustifiable way. In other words, if I spill a drink on someone at a party, it makes perfect sense that they would be angry with me. That response is perfectly justified. What would be unjustified and unacceptable is if they expressed that anger by yelling at me, swearing at me, or becoming physically aggressive.
I tease these two things apart because we can address our own mistakes even if someone responds in a way that is unnecessarily cruel or insulting. If I spill a drink on someone, and they yell at me in response, I can still apologize and offer to buy them a drink to make up for my error. I can tell them I don’t appreciate their yelling at me, but that I’m still sorry for spilling on them.
2. Stay Calm (at least on the outside)
One of the most important things can do when someone is angry at us is to stay calm. By that, I mean to avoid yelling, swearing, or raising our voice. We may not feel calm in the situation, but we can still act calmly. By speaking slowly and directly, and keeping our voice calm and soft, we’re less likely to exacerbate a situation. People tend to match each other’s volumes, pace, and general tone, so instead of meeting the angry person where he or she is at—and escalating the situation—try to de-escalate the situation by subtly encouraging them to lower their voice.
3. Avoid Character Assaults
A guaranteed way to escalate an angry situation is to attack the other person’s character. Insulting them, or even saying things like, “You always do this,” is likely to make things worse. Instead, focus on specific behaviors or feelings in the moment. Instead of saying, "You always yell at me when you’re angry,” say, "Please don’t yell at me.” Instead of saying, “You’re so impatient,” say, “Can you please be patient with me.” Those may seem like subtle differences but you don’t want the person to feel attacked, as it will make them even more likely to lash out. It’s quite possible, maybe even likely, that the person really is too impatient, and if this is someone you are in a relationship with, you probably want to talk with them about that impatience at some point. However, the middle of an angry exchange isn’t the best time for that conversation.
4. Know When to Disengage
In any exchange with an overly angry person, there may come a point when you need to disengage from the situation. There are lots of reasons why this might be the smart thing to do: To stay safe, for one (see below), but also, and more commonly, because the situation is such that there is unlikely to be any positive resolution. The person may be so angry that a healthy, reasonable conversation simply can’t be had at the time. If that’s what is going on, the best thing to do might be to say, “Let’s talk about this later when we’re calm,” and move on. Or, if it’s a stranger you’ll never see again, simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this,” and walk away.
5. Stay Safe
Finally, but fundamentally, when you’re dealing with an angry person, you’ve got to make sure you’re safe. People can be angry without being physically aggressive, of course. An angry person is not necessarily a violent person; far from it. However, we need to be aware of the fact that when people are angry, they can feel the urge to lash out, sometimes physically. If you don’t feel safe, get away from the person. Period. If you absolutely must interact with someone who you feel threatened by, make sure you aren’t alone with the individual, and enter the situation with a plan to get yourself out safely should it come to that.

The Puzzle of Pretty Boys

Sure, women lust after boy toy actors and buff soccer players. But that doesn't mean they won't happily get hitched to an average guy. Men's looks matter, but not for the reasons you think.

By Carlin Flora, published on November 1, 2010 - last reviewed on June 10, 2015 

Male appearance hasn't gotten much play in the canon of Western civ. A handsome face could probably boost cologne sales at the local department store, but could it launch 1,000 ships? We know intuitively that men's looks aren't as important as women's. And yet, they do matter. Men like Denzel Washington and Brad Pitt are widely heralded as easy on the eyes. But what exactly are good looks worth to the average guy on the mating market? The price, it turns out, is always in flux.

Is She Really Going Out With Him?

You know the sitcom trope: An adorable, whippet-thin wife is married to a pudgy everyman whom she's constantly nagging—cue the groans. But the comedy writers are getting at a fundamental truth: Male beauty is more in the eye of the beholder than female beauty, and this pairing is therefore perfectly realistic.
Since looks are indicators of genetic and developmental health, the strict definition of handsome is just as standard and universal as it is for pretty: Symmetrical men with average-size features are considered objectively handsome, because they were dealt good DNA and raised in a salutary environment. And just as female sex hormone markers, such as big eyes and lips, make women especially attractive and fertile-seeming, male sex hormone markers, such as strong jaws and tall stature, render men virile and "hot." Hence People magazine's "Sexiest Men Alive" favorites: Matt Damon has quite the jaw; David Beckham is steamily symmetrical. But in the real world, a man who deviates from these glossy standards can fare quite well, compared to women who fall short of the feminine ideal.
Claudia Brumbaugh of Queens College asked more than 4,000 participants to rate photographs of young men and women on a 10-point scale. The men's judgments of the women were very much in agreement. But the women showed more variety in their ratings. Some even gave very high marks to men others found downright ugly. (Just as Jennifer Lopez sees something in Mark Anthony that I don't.)
Looks are simply not at the top of the list for ladies, hence the lack of accord. What women really care about in a man is status and resources. That means that their assessments of a guy's looks are filtered through those other qualities, leading to a subjective interpretation not necessarily shared by other women. Since looks are what's most important to men, they, on the other hand, can easily make a snap judgment. Their sight doesn't get muddled by conjecture about personality or prestige. Because men are not primarily valued for their looks, even their attempts to improve them serve other ends: While stylish wardrobes do boost attractiveness, it's only because they increase a man's cachet, not his raw handsomeness. That's why a few choice accessories, or "peacocking," as VH1 dating coach Mystery calls it, can make or break a guy's bar crawl.
Another reason women don't easily agree on who's attractive is that their definitions of "high status" vary so greatly—and it may have little to do with financial resources. Scruffy hair and a guitar slung over a shoulder may boost the hotness quotient for some girls, while business attire signals a good prospect to others.

A Time and a Place For Macho Men

Certain environments can influence a man's sex appeal. Lisa DeBruine and colleagues at the University of Aberdeen found an intriguing connection between a country's health status and the types its female citizens find attractive. Women from countries with healthy populations preferred digitally "feminized" versions of a man's face, whereas women from countries with poor health chose digitally "masculinized" men. (Think Britain's Robert Pattinson versus Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo.) Macho men with high testosterone levels are thought to be more robust; perhaps when life is precarious, a man who is willing to cuddle is not a priority.

Women also perceive men differently depending on what they want. Those interested in a short-term fling will choose a handsome man over a less handsome one, wallet size be damned. But when they are seeking a long-term partner, other qualities, such as a willingness and ability to support children, take precedence over a well-chiseled chest. Of course these calculations aren't cold and clear cut, and other factors—who happens to be nearby and single—compete with our innate tendencies. Still, the pattern prevails overall.
Sometimes a preference for a short-term or long-term mate is driven by the time of the month. Ovulating women prefer masculine-looking men, while pregnant women prefer men with softer features that essentially broadcast a willingness to care for and protect them.

The Gay Gaze

Heterosexual and homosexual men are united on one front: their "absolutist" approach to looks. One line of research has shown that "boys will be boys" regardless of their sexuality. Aaron Glassenberg of Harvard University found that gay men prefer masculine faces, compared to feminine versions of the same face. Just as straight men like the most feminine-faced women on average, gay men operate under the same attraction mechanism, preferring the most masculine-faced men.
In further evidence of the importance of looks for gay and straight men, Richard Lippa, a professor of psychology at California State University in Fullerton, asked a large group of homosexuals and heterosexuals to look at photographs of people whose looks were previously rated. He then measured the time they spent looking at each picture. All participants took more time staring at better looking subjects. But the time increase was smaller for women—they weren't as affected by the uptick in hotness.
Also, while straight and gay women spent a decent amount of time looking at people of both genders, men—gay and straight alike—were much more focused on their preferred gender. Gay men don't bother sizing up women, and straight men don't bother checking out men.
"Both gay and straight men have, more than women, a focus on youth and beauty in partners," Lippa says. Anecdotal evidence points to a particularly strong enthusiasm among gay men for sculpting and styling. "If you are trying to appeal to men, as gay men are, it might make sense for you to be concerned with fitness and grooming," he surmises.

The Plight of the Gorgeous Groom

No one said it's easy being ugly: Handsome men earn, on average, five percent more than less good-looking colleagues. The economist Daniel Hamermesh even worked out that over the course of a career, a comely guy will rack up $250,000 more than his least attractive peer.
But a good-looking guy has a unique reproductive bind: Because handsome men come closest to having the access to multiple partners that most males only dream of, they may in fact have a harder time settling down and feeling satisfied in relationships over the long haul.
James McNulty, a psychologist at the University of Tennessee, interviewed couples talking about goals and analyzed how supportive the partners were. Attractiveness was also rated. Relationships in which the wife was objectively better-looking than the husband were more supportive than other match-ups. The worst combination, in terms of warm, positive interactions, were women paired with better-looking men. "What mattered was relative attractiveness," McNulty says. "Perhaps the husbands with better-looking wives wanted to hold on to them, because they were 'out of their league.' That meant they were more willing to provide support, whereas more attractive men didn't feel they were getting as much out of their relationships. They may have even felt resentful about missing out on other opportunities."
The average-to-below-average-looking guy won't likely have this problem. But neither will he have the problem of his female counterpart. Whereas the brightest, most compassionate women have many times been reduced to looks-based punch lines (recent Supreme Court nominations jump to mind), men—especially accomplished ones—are essentially shielded from such objectification. Bald men, even you have little to fret about: A British survey found that only one percent of female respondents agreed that a full head of hair is necessary for someone to be handsome.

How Do You Make the Most Important Decisions in Your Life?

10 questions, and 3 crucial takeaways, on the turning points of your life.

Post published by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. on Jun 12, 2015 in Fulfillment at Any Age

 We face decisions throughout life. Most of them are relatively insignificant, while some affect others in ways we may not realize, in what I’ve called our “life footprint.” Some of those seemingly small decisions may snowball over time, carrying more and more importance as their consequences emerge. The majority of decisions we make impact our life course.
If you could choose the single most important decision that you’ve made in life, what would it be? Getting married? Starting a family? Accepting a job offer? Moving to a new city? You might argue that it is impossible to choose; all of these are important.
We consider a variety of factors when we make ordinary, everyday decisions. According to two psychologists, Yale University’s Samuel G.B. Johnson and Northwestern’s Lance J. Rips (2015), we constantly examine the quality of decisions—our own and those of others—in terms of who is responsible for the outcome. If someone makes a decision that works out favorably, do you assign greater responsibility for the person’s success than if that person makes a decision that turns out badly?
Johnson and Rips conducted a series of experiments that took the following form:

“Angie” (a fictitious woman) wants a shrub’s flower to turn red. One fertilizer has a 10% chance of succeeding, a second has a 50% of turning the flowers red, and the third (manipulated by condition) has either a 30% or 70% chance of producing the desired outcome. In one experiment, Angie chooses the 50% formula and the flowers turn red."

The only condition in which this was the optimal choice was in the 30% condition for that third formula because she'll get that shrub red at least half of the time. Participants rated Angie as “more responsible” in this optimal choice condition.
The degree to which you see other people as responsible for their choices depends on how good that choice appears to be, compared to the alternatives. When it comes to judging yourself, though, Johnson and Rips note that you will tend to make the fundamental attribution error: You judge yourself as more responsible, in general, for the outcomes of your decisions because you see yourself as more rational than other people.
The Johnson and Rips study suggests that you attribute more intentionality to your significant life choices than you actually had. You see yourself as “choosing” subjects to study in school, when in fact those choices may have been dictated by guidance counselors or your parents.
What Kind of Decider Are You?
In weighing your choices below, ask yourself not only how important they were but how much of a role you played in making them.
Now, what would happen if you could assign a weight to those key life decisions? For example, you might multiply family decisions by X, work decisions by Y, and school choices (high school subjects, college major and location, grad school or not) by a factor of Z. Just by assigning weights to those choices, you can gain insight not only into your past choices, but into the ways in which your identity influences your life decisions.
To make this tougher, rank the choices below from the heaviest (with a score of 10) to the least (with a score of 1). When you add up  the ratings, the total should be 55.

1. Where you live now.
2. Who you formed your longest and closest intimate relationship with.
3. When you had your first child.
4. When you had your second (or later) child(ren).
5. In which school subject you majored or took the most courses.
6. Which hobbies or personal interests you are most involved in.
7. Where you prefer to go on vacation.
8. Your first job.
9. The job you have now.
10. The friends who are closest to you.

Now, take your calculators out and do the math: There were 4 questions concerning relationships (#s 2, 3, 4, and 10), 3 on work/school choices (#s 5, 8, and 9), and 3 on general personal/social development (#s 1, 6, and 7). Adding up your weights within each of these areas will give you three key insights into which areas of your life have the greatest relevance to your personal identity.
What We Can Learn

1. We tend to distinguish our sense of identity according to we see ourselves involved in work vs. family. As you total your scores, you’ll see how you’ve weighed these areas over the course of your life. Your two scores in these areas may be surprisingly similar, or totally opposite. Perhaps you perceived that your career choices drove your life, when in fact your heart has really driven your head.
2. Consider how much control you've had over the direction of your life. When you stop and examine what your first job was, perhaps it was the only one available to you. Although you regarded yourself as in control of your career destiny, maybe there were more external factors at play than you realize. If you didn't make the best choice, maybe it wasn’t really due to something you did wrong.
3. Finally, as you look at each of these choices, ask yourself what impact they had. It may seem frivolous to ask about where you go on vacation, but our vacation choices can have many unintended consequences. Perhaps it was on a camping trip that you met your life partner, forged new friendships, or had the accident that forced you to hobble around on crutches for six weeks.

It can be daunting to think about the meaning and impact of your life’s decisions, but by breaking them down to this level, you can gain important insight to guide your fulfillment in the decisions that still lie ahead.

Anxiety-Reducing Solutions for Common Worry Traps

Conquer any anxiety-driven problem head on with smart thinking strategies to help you manage stress and keep your cool 

 By  Amber Herring 

 I've rewritten the first paragraph of this article 20 times and I'm still convinced it's not good enough. I'm an anxious person. If you are too, chances are, you can relate. And to some extent, these feelings are normal: "Some people are just more inclined to worry," explains Alice Boyes, Ph.D., author of The Anxiety Toolkit. But if you're at the point where worry interferes with your day-to-day activities or work, it's time to start addressing it instead of avoiding it.

After all, anxiety isn't here to paralyze you, but to save you—all thanks to evolution. "Anxiety is something that we're wired to have," says Boyes. The emotional state characterized by nervousness, worry, and unease is actually our body's alarm system, which helps us to pause and scan for potential threats. However, in overly anxious people, sensitive systems fire too often without good reason. (Learn the 10 Weird Ways Your Body Reacts to Stress.) The good news: Eliminating paralyzing worry is doable. If you have a clinical disorder, or suffer from panic attacks or depression, your best bet is always to talk to a professional. But practicing your responses to these five common traps can help send worry packing too.

1 of 5 Replace Hesitation with Action

Call it the culture uncertain. "Someone isn't 100 percent sure of what the outcome will be so they don't enter into it," explains Boyes. For example, you don't know what will happen if you leave your current job for a new one, so you never apply.
Move past it: Ask yourself: "What's the worst, best, and most realistic outcome?" Typically, anxious people focus on the negative, but this series of questions forces balanced thinking. Also, it's comforting to worrisome folks to be prepared for the worst. "It's all about that shift in cognitive psychology where you realize you can cope with negative experiences," adds Boyes.

2 of 5 Meditate, Don't Ruminate

Say something stupid in a job interview and can't stop replaying it in your head? That's ruminating over something that has happened, according to Boyes. Even obsessively worrying about the future before it happens could inhibit you.
Move past it: Practice mindfulness through yoga, meditation, or breathing exercises to refocus your attention. Also, try kind self-talk. "Think: 'How would I talk to a friend about this situation?'" explains Boyes. If you would tell a friend that they probably had a great interview, prepped well, and just need to wait it out, follow that advice! (We have 3 Breathing Techniques for Dealing with Anxiety, Stress, and Low Energy.)

3 of 5 Be Conscientious, Not a Perfectionist

"Perfectionism is when you're sweating the small stuff to the point that you're not sweating the big stuff," explains Boyes. For example, you're so concerned about being late for an appointment that you arrive 30 minutes early, even though you had to duck out of a work meeting early.
Move past it: Differentiate between a good level of conscientiousness and going way over the top. "Understand your own triggers and what would be more useful," advises Boyes. To identify your triggers, ask yourself if arriving to that appointment 30 minutes early, for example, is helpful or unhelpful to you, she says. It's not worth it if you're missing something important at work and would be better off just being five minutes early.

4 of 5  Learn to Accept Criticism

Does this sound like you: You keep quiet in a brainstorming meeting at work instead of throwing out ideas, because you fear the response will be bad? "When you're not willing to seek feedback, you will never realize that you can actually learn from negative feedback," warns Boyes.
Move past it: Choose someone who knows your talent to bounce your ideas off of pre-meeting. "If you already have that acceptance from a person, then you can take that criticism," says Boyes. Beyond that, expose yourself to small bits of feedback to build up your tolerance. Start by emailing ideas to a few members of your team and build up to speaking up at next week's meeting. (And while you're at it, check out these 9 Smart Career Tips for a Bright, Successful Future.)

 

5 of 5 Face Problems Head On

Boyes' example of fearful procrastination: Your best friend wants you to be a bridesmaid in her expensive destination wedding, but you can't afford it and are afraid to tell her. So you avoid it and risk ruining the friendship.
Move past it: Just do it. "Think of avoidance as a mountain shape, it's about getting over the top of that to the other side," she says. "Take some sort of small action to get over the hump." Invite your 

Our Secret Wants：獨立單身女性的12個秘密渴望

• World
• 女性議題

Jun 11, 2015

貌似不少獨立自主、奮發努力的女性都會比較遲結婚，或者是脫離單身，她們是外人口中的女強人，堅韌而且能夠照顧好自己，確實，即使沒有愛情， 她們也能從事業等各方各面獲得滿足感和自我價值的實現，但這並不代表她們是沒有感情的機器人，不需要被愛，到底這些女強人心底有怎樣的渴望？感興趣的朋友 不妨來聽聽網絡作家Allison Isaacson怎麼說，如果你也是這類型的女性，相信應該會有共鳴。

 

1. 多希望有人能嚐嚐我的手藝

買上好的食材，費盡心思去烹調出一桌子美味，還特意在擺盤上下了功夫，讓一切盡善盡美，但沒有人來分享的話，一切都會感覺特別沒意義。偶爾用犒勞自 己這個理由來安慰一下倒還行，但天天如此，其實不得不承認還是會有些失落的，尤其是當你做的菜比高級餐廳的出品還好的時候，多麼想要找個人分享喜悅，男友 也好，朋友也好。

2. 我希望有個人能幫幫我

女強人很容易會被人錯誤解讀成一手撐起一片天，完全不需要人幫助，但實際上，女強人也是人，無論是工作抑或家務事，都還是會希望能有個人來幫幫忙，不一定要是男友或好友，就算是熱心的鄰居也行，起碼知道自己可以有依賴別人的選擇，而不是永遠都只能靠自己。

3. 我渴望有人能夠需要我、信任我（情感上）

因為獨立而且單身，所以常常會在朋友熟人遇到困難時成為他們的傾訴對象，其實我非常享受這樣的感覺，因為雖然我還沒能遇到一直渴望的、那位與我互相需要的另一半，但至少在幫助他們的時候，我會感覺當中的那份信任與依賴是相互的，我會被人在情感上依賴，而我也能依賴別人。

---

---

4. 我想要醒來時能有個人和我說聲早安

上班的時候同事們之間也會打招呼說早安，可是我更期待在這句貼心的問候中醒來，雖然只是件小事，但卻總要比獨自醒來，然後苦苦掙扎著起床要好過些。而且我也希望這是相互的，能成為別人期待醒來時第一眼能見到的人是一件萬分幸福的事。

5. 如果可以有人擁我入睡，那該多好

無論平常表現得有多堅強獨立，想必沒有哪個女人會不想在一天的尾聲能有個人擁自己入睡吧？這樣的陪伴不僅帶來了安全感，讓你感覺自己有歸宿，還是一種心靈上的撫慰，仿佛在告訴你“今天辛苦了”。

Tumblr

6. 我希望能有人能讓我感覺到自己真的很重要

我並不是那種不自信的人，但對比起外人的稱讚，我更看重愛人對我的看法，如果撇除了我的財富、工作、銜頭、容貌，對方仍然覺得我非常重要，那麼這樣的肯定才會讓我真真正正的有信心。

7. 我期待驚喜

很多人會誤以為女強人喜歡一切盡在掌握中，但其實我和天底下所有女生一樣期待驚喜，不一定要是那種像肥皂劇裡上演的催人淚下的浪漫驚喜，其實在不知情的情況下被愛人帶到特別的餐廳，或者是收到一本合心意的書，甚至是孤單的夜晚忽然上門陪伴，這樣的種種都已經足夠讓我滿足。

8. 我希望被人思念

知道這個世界上有人討厭無法見到我，或者說是沒了我就會覺得事情一團糟，那麼坦白說，我會感覺自己很特別，無論是思念、需要我的是同事、親友，抑或喜歡我的某個人，畢竟對於單身女性來說，一個人獨自前進太寂寞艱辛了，能被思念會讓我們更有動力。

Tumblr

9. 我懷念愛一個人的感覺

很多單身的女強人會習慣性地在人前展示出“我們不需要男人，一個人也可以過得很好”的姿態，但其實心底裡，我相信可能有相當一部分人會像我一樣，常 常懷念著愛一個人的感覺，那種對方在自己的大腦裡揮之不去的糾結，那種因為他導致的胃部翻騰，雖然這種思念並不全是甜蜜的，但一個人久了，我會尤其渴望再 重溫一次，讓自己知道原來我還可以那麼深切地去關注一個人。

10. 我希望大家能不再問我為什麼還單身一人

我單身對別人造成了影響嗎？為什麼別人總是這樣問呢？這樣的問題他們認為我該怎麼回答？單身的原因很多，有的人是因為受了情傷還未恢復過來，有的人 是因為還沒遇到動情的人，決定寧缺毋濫，但無論是哪一種，這個問題都是非常私密的，而且我完全不認為我保持單身的決定需要給任何人一個解釋。

---

---

11. 我希望外人不要操心我的婚戀問題，好像我的人生有個大污點需要立刻解決一樣

我可以接受我目前單身的事實，否則我就不會是單身了。找一個伴侶很容易，但想找一個與自己合拍、能夠成為彼此精神伴侶而且互補的另一半卻不容易，我 願意寧缺毋濫，直到適合的那個人出現，我自己都不著急，所以請不要再用“你一個人好可憐”、“年紀大了生育會有問題”之類各種看似在關心我的理由來催促 我，也請不要以“我沒有談戀愛就是不完整的、沒人要”的眼光來看待我。

12. 我希望命中註定的他能早點出現，證明我的等待是值得的

我堅信這個大世界裡必定會有一個男人適合做我的終生伴侶，他的出現會證明我的等待、我所堅持的寧寧缺毋濫是正確的、值得的。

What Are the Most Important 10 Years of Your Life?

An expert weighs in on the years that make or break each person's future.

Post published by Steven Mintz Ph.D. on Apr 04, 2015 in The Prime of Life

  

 The 10 years from 18 to 28 comprise the most pivotal decade in a person’s life.
Decisions made during that period disproportionately shape a person’s future life trajectory—and mistakes made then have life-long consequences. Teens get second chances, but society is less forgiving of missteps made during the twenties.
It’s actually during the twenties, and not the teen years, that lives are most likely to go off track. It’s then that the young engage in the riskiest behavior—binge drinking, illicit drug use, unprotected sex, and crime.
Ironically, the worst mistake a young person can make today is to grow up too fast—to marry too young, to enter a full-time job too early, to bear a child too soon. Advice that made sense half a century ago—like, join a company at a young age and work your way up the ladder—no longer applies in a radically different labor market. Instead, prolonged education, internships, and other efforts to build up a resume pay off.
Today, an early marriage is a recipe for divorce, and delaying childbearing and marriage correlate with a more stable family life.
Of course, the young people who benefit most from delayed adulthood come from more affluent families that can afford to support their offspring through their twenties. These are the twenty-somethings who are best able to use these years as a period of self-discovery, exploration, and personal growth.
In contrast, those who lack parental support tend to find themselves mired in unsteady, low-paying jobs and unstable relationships, and burdened by credit-card and college debts that their income cannot support. It is during the twenties that the inequalities in contemporary society solidify.
These are life’s critical years. Where one goes to college exerts a powerful influence on whether one will receive a diploma. Whether one earns a college credential makes a world of difference in one’s future earnings and job stability.
Ours is a society that has, quite rightly, placed more and more emphasis on early childhood. But we mustn’t forget the twenties, the period when young lives take off or become locked onto trajectories that too few are able to alter.

Why Mentally Strong People Don’t Dwell on Self-Pity

Here's what you can do instead.

Post published by Amy Morin on May 05, 2015 in What Mentally Strong People Don't Do

 Asking, “Why do these things always happen to me?” or declaring, “This isn’t fair!” is a common first line of defense when faced with hardship. If you struggle to move beyond those initial reactions, however, you risk staying stuck in an unhealthy cycle of self-pity.
Feeling sorry for yourself is one of the fastest way to deplete your mental strength. It is impossible to be mentally strong while simultaneously insisting, “I can’t handle this.” Happily, you can put an end to self-pity before your thoughts and emotions sabotage your efforts to move forward.
The Dangers of Self-Pity
While it is normal to feel sad when faced with difficult circumstances, self-indulgent pity goes above and beyond grief, frustration, or heartbreak and becomes self-destructive. Self-pity distracts you from dealing with your emotions head-on and prevents you from taking positive action.
Self-pity also creates a negative downward spiral. When you focus on everything that is going wrong, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative. Those negative thoughts will negatively affect your behavior. You will be less likely to take steps to improve your situation when you are busy thinking about the unfairness of your situation. This inactivity will fuel your feelings of self-pity and the cycle will continue.
You only have so much time and energy. Devoting those finite resources toward self-pity means you are unable to use them for more productive activities. Every minute you spend dwelling on self-pity is 60 seconds you delay working on a solution.

Thirteen Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety

These 13 soothing strategies will melt away worry.

Post published by Meg Selig on Mar 27, 2014 in Changepower

 In my last post, I revealed the one essential step that must be taken before a person can ease his or her anxiety. Here it is: Make the decision to use the executive part of your brain to override your automatic anxiety. In other words, put “The Thinker” in charge. This “thinker” is also known as your prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of you that is “The Decider.”
Why is anxiety so often our default reaction to situations? It’s because anxiety is hard-wired into our brains to help us survive. We can’t get rid of it and wouldn’t want to. We just want to calm ourselves down when there’s no need for a “flight-or-fight” response. But anxiety thinking habits are embedded deep within the brain and won’t yield without conscious work and practice.
So here are 13 small decisions, along with suggested action steps, that your conscious brain can choose to make. Try the ones you think would work for you, and heave a sigh of relief as your excess anxiety ebbs away.
1. Decide to blame your brain. No, you can’t blame everything on your brain. Your own mental habits can certainly create excess anxiety (suggestions for those are below). But anxiety also stems from your neurobiology—elevated levels or deficits of certain brain chemicals, for example, or over-activity in certain parts of the brain such as the amygdala, the danger-screening part of the brain. It may be helpful to view excess worry as a result of your automatic brain chemistry and not as a personal weakness.
Possible action step: Tell yourself, “There’s nothing really wrong. That’s just my anxious brain speaking.”

Source: en.wikipedia.org

2. Decide to hold hands or get a hug from someone who cares about you. When you are highly anxious, you may find it hard to calm yourself. You may need a Significant Other to start the calming process by holding hands or cradling you in a warm embrace. A variety of studies (link is external) show that holding hands and hugging can magically lower the stress response. Once you feel soothed, you will be calm enough to make use of the other techniques listed below. Action step:  Hold hands or hug until you feel calmer. If no partner is available, consider a quick massage or the action step in Decision 3.
3. Decide to call on your invisible “circle of support.” If no one is available to be a soothing presence, you may be able to conjure up a mental photograph of your “circle of support.”  Studies (link is external) suggest that thinking about the people who love and value you—family, friends, co-workers, self-help group members—can give you a sense of security that lowers your stress response.
Action steps: Write down a list of loved ones on a card that you can keep in your wallet. Take it out and read it when you’re under stress. Surround yourself with photographs of loved ones at both your office and home.
4.  Decide to make “belly breathing” a part of your day. Learn abdominal breathing (a.k.a, “belly breathing”) as a calming technique (see video below). Deep diaphragmatic breathing sends a signal to the mind that all’s right with the world. Calm the body; the mind will follow.
The decision to take a few calming breaths “is the best example of harnessing the brain... to control the body,” according to Dr. Margaret Wehrenberg. Plus, you can integrate this kind of breathing into your day, rather than setting aside a special time to practice it, as with meditation. There's always time for one deep breath—before a meeting, at stop lights, at breaks, or when you catch yourself in a needless worry loop.
Action step: When you start to feel anxious, use that feeling as a cue to take at least one deep abdominal breath. That breath will initiate the relaxation response. Not sure what belly breathing is? This short how-to video (link is external) by Dr. Kevin Chen is simple, informative, and helpful.

5. Decide to relax. Readers of this blog have suggested meditation, yoga, relaxation techniques, and dishwashing. Yes, dishwashing. (Works for me!) You can also compete with your anxious thoughts by singing out loud or distracting yourself with TV, reading, talking to a friend, knitting, or any pleasurable activity. Action step: Choose an activity that relaxes both mind and body. Take more breaks.
6. Decide to exercise. Some people are too “charged up” to relieve stress with relaxing activities. According to Wehrenberg, “For the high-energy person with a tense, anxious body, physical activities are better sources of physical relaxation than sitting still.” If  you wonder why meditation doesn’t work for you, you may find this observation reassuring.
As little as 20 minutes of exercise makes you feel less anxious and more resilient, according to this research (link is external). Aerobic exercise will deplete your “nervousness chemicals,” using up both adrenalin and cortisol, two powerful stress chemicals. Just plain moving around is also therapeutic and counters what we’ve recently learned about the negative health effects of too much sitting.
Action step: Take a 20 minute walk every day.
7. Decide to reframe your anxiety as excitement and fun. Therapist Fritz Perls used to say, “Beneath anxiety lies excitement.” Recent research (link is external) found that interpreting certain stressful situations like public speaking as “exciting” rather than “scary” led to better performance. In fact, telling yourself, “I am calm,” was much less effective than “I am excited,” perhaps because giving a talk requires a certain amount of energy and enthusiasm.
Here are some “reframes” suggested by psychologist Jeremy Dean of PsyBlog (link is external): “It’s not an exam; it’s a fun little quiz. It’s not a scary presentation; it’s a little chat with a few colleagues. It’s not a job interview; it’s a chance to meet some new people.”
Action step: Tell yourself, “I’m excited!” or “This will be a fun challenge.”

Source: en.wikipedia.org

8. Decide to practice thought-stopping. When you catch yourself engaged in anxiety-provoking thinking, tell yourself, “Self! Stop it!” (This wonderful phrase is from Margaret Wehrenberg.) I consider this phrase the all-purpose thought-stopper! It’s quick, effective, and humorous. Action step: Tell yourself, “Self! Stop it!” every single time you begin ruminating over a situation. With persistence and practice, stopping anxiety in its tracks will soon become a habit.
9. After you stop anxious thoughts, decide to replace them with pre-planned calming thoughts. Thought-stopping alone is a powerful technique. But it can be even more powerful when paired with calming thoughts that you’ve prepared and written down ahead of time.   
Action step: Make a short list of soothing thoughts to bring up when you catch yourself in the throes of worry. Possible examples:

• “I’ve done the best I can. I don’t need to worry about this any more.”
• “I don’t have to be perfect. Even if something goes wrong, I can learn from my setbacks and try again.”
• “I’ve done it before; I can do it again.”

10. Tend and befriend. Rather than “fight-or-flight,” consciously choose to “tend-and-befriend.”  Anxiety and worry can lead to self-absorption. A good counter-response is to “tend”—take care of others. Think about friends and family and what might help them, especially if you know someone going through a hard time.
Action steps: Send a card or write a thank-you note. Call a friend and ask how he is.
11. Decide to make lists and plans. "Download” your worries to a list, leaving your mind free for other thoughts. Similarly, plans can free your mind from the endless drumbeat of “what ifs.”
Action step: Make a list. Then set priorities and make plans. If you start to ruminate over a situation that you’ve already planned for, tell yourself, “Stop! I’ve already made a plan!”
12. Decide to “lose your mind and come to your senses.” (Fritz Perls, again) When you catch yourself playing and re-playing hurtful scenarios in your mind, take a deep breath, and look around you. Notice the trees and sky; listen to the sounds. Remind yourself that waking up from these self-created “day-mares” is a moment of enlightenment.
Action step: Congratulate yourself every time you wake up from a useless or negative thinking pattern. Practice savoring the positive scenes in your immediate environment.
13. Consult with a professional. When anxiety is overwhelming, chronic, or interferes with daily life, consider professional treatment, suggests Margarita Tartakovsky in “Telltale Signs It’s Time to Treat Your Anxiety (link is external).” A short course of medication may calm a frazzled brain enough so it can fulfill its “Decider” role.
Action step: Make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
What do all these "small" decisions have in common? They require you to be mindful. Instead of just mindlessly giving in to the pain of anxiety and worry, you can deliberately transform a mind full of “what if” worries into a mind full of awareness, creative problem-solving, and peace.

Why Saying Just One Word Can Calm Runaway Emotions

A research-proven trick that can help you get a grip.

Post published by Meg Selig on Apr 16, 2015 in Changepower

 I used to feel nervous when I spotted a certain imposing woman who was several rungs above me in the hierarchy at work.
One day, I admitted, “Boy, I really feel intimidated by her.” Intimidated. As soon as I said the magic word to myself, my fearful feelings abated. Acknowledging my fear had helped reduce it to more manageable levels; later, I considered how I could constructively deal with my emotion.
I had just experienced the magic power of labeling. Putting my emotion into a word—even a scary one like “intimidating”—had paradoxically helped me get a grip.
If you would like to experience the benefits of labeling, here's how to get started:
Name It.
“Sad.” “Furious.” “Disrespected.” Whatever your emotion, you will feel some immediate relief just by putting your feelings into words, whether in your mind or out loud.
The formal name for this process is “affect labeling,” which involves attaching a label to the messy combination of physical and mental upset you experience. Doing so allows you to “cool down” your feelings and manage them better.
Your feelings will not disappear; nor do you want them to. You need all your feelings to signal you about the dangers and opportunities you face from without and within. But you don’t want your feelings to overwhelm you, and labeling helps prevent that.
If you can’t find the precise word or words to describe your feelings, no problem: Consider, and recite, the four basic feelings—mad, sad, glad, and scared—and choose the one that fits.  
Why It Works
Recently, researchers discovered why attaching a word to our messy emotions is such an effective way to lessen mental chaos.
In a series of studies by UCLA psychologist Matthew D. Lieberman, participants who attached labels to emotions like “anger” or “fear” had less activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain which governs our fight-or-flight response. These individuals also had more activity in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, or the thinking part of the brain. Labeling their feelings shifted them from an emotional state to a thinking state. Lieberman explained:

“In the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be hitting the brakes on your emotional responses.”

“Hitting the brakes” is beneficial because it can keep you from responding impulsively, drowning in negative feelings, or becoming aggressive in a counter-productive way. Soothing negative emotions may also help you keep your eyes on your goals and increase self-control.
An Experiment
To become better at labeling your own emotions, practice for a few minutes a day. In addition to tuning into your emotions, you could also choose to tune in to physical states, such as “hungry,” “tired,” or "on my last nerve."
Once you label your emotion, pause. Just notice the feeling without reacting—or judging yourself. If you want, say something accepting to yourself, like, “Oh, so I’m feeling intimidated right now"; Yes, this is sadness"; or, “I’m angry and that’s natural in this situation.” Just accepting your feelings will increase your ability to tolerate distress in future situations.
After you label the emotion and pause to “sit with” it for a little while, consider what actions—if any—you might want to take. For example: “OK, I’m irritable. I think I’ll get some lunch before I get even more snappish.” (Of course, in a genuine emergency, use your fight-or-flight response to save yourself from harm. Call for help when you need it.)
Extend It
Labeling feelings has long been a part of mindfulness practices that are designed to quiet mental turmoil. For example, it can be the first step in a longer process of self-exploration called the RAIN method. But it’s nice to know that the simple technique of labeling your feeling-state can ease emotional pain in a nanosecond.

7 Ways People Can Change Your Mind

... and expert tips to stop them.

Post published by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. on Jun 02, 2015 in Fulfillment at Any Age

 When someone tries to persuade us to do, buy, or say something, we face a variety of forces. From advertisers to political candidates to your own family and friends, everyone seems to be constantly trying to get you to change your mind or do what they want you to do.
You may be aware when your elbow is being twisted, but you likely are not.
According a team of Dutch researchers led by Maurits Kaptein (2015), we’re most likely to be influenced as targets of persuasion when we’re hit by the “right message, at the right time, and in the right way” (p. 38). But what do these three elements include?

1. The right message is one we are receptive to because we generally agree that the goal is worthwhile. For example, if you are concerned about climate change, you’ll be more easily persuaded by a message telling you to start saving energy.
2. We need to hear the message at a time when we’re likely to be influenced by it. For example, an ad about saving energy will hit you harder when you’re about to buy light bulbs.
3. The message itself has to present you with data that you will believe. The light bulb ad must show how much wattage you’ll actually save by using them.

Kaptein and his colleagues tested a personalized, adaptive approach to persuasion that relies on combining these three elements in optimal fashion. To test their ability to persuade, they recruited a sample of Dutch adults who agreed to have their snacking habits tracked on their cellphones. You may use a similar app to track your movement and sleep patterns. Every once in a while, it sends you a message intended either to reward you for reaching a goal (such as walking so many steps) or to encourage you to do something differently that will promote healthier habits (such as getting more sleep). The messages these apps send are not particularly personalized to you, other than to send particular reminders or rewards depending on the behavior it tracks. They do not factor in your personality, or what sorts of messages will likely affect you.
But what if such a system could influence your behavior because it knows the types of messages that resonate with you? Perhaps, for example, you prefer consistency and don’t really want to make changes, for better or worse. Or perhaps you respond better to authoritative methods that tell you to make a change rather than more open-ended instructions.
Kaptein et al. tried to target their anti-snacking messages using a combination of information about the personalities of the participants and the ways they responded to persuasive messages. The purpose was to show ways to develop adaptive technologies that take the best of all three possible worlds and influence actual behavioral and attitudinal change.
The study raises intriguing questions about what makes us susceptible to persuasive tactics. Although the Kaptein method focused on positive, health-benefiting behaviors, marketers typically don’t have our best interests at heart when they try to persuade us to buy their products.
By outlining the factors that make us susceptible to persuasion, Kaptein and team make it possible for you to understand what influences you, and why. To take control of the changes you do and do not wish to make in your lifestyle, buying habits, or attitudes, consider what Kaptein and his coauthors call the influence principles:

• Authority. People are inclined to follow the advice of those they view as authorities. If they feel they have no freedom to choose, however, targets of persuasion may react against such messages.
• Consensus. If you see others manifesting a certain behavior, or adhering to a certain belief, you’ll be more likely to go along with the crowd. This may reflect true conformity, or it could also be linked to “social proof”—the feeling that, if it’s good enough for everyone else, it should be good enough for you.
• Consistency and Commitment. We like to appear consistent and to behave in ways that reflect our underlying beliefs in what’s right or good. A classic example of this is “foot-in-the-door," in which someone asks you to do a small favor to prime you for a larger “ask." For example, you are more likely to give $25 to a charity if you've already made a $5 pledge to it.
• Scarcity. When something seems to be unavailable, you want it more. This is why retailers provide "limited editions." Even political marketers try to make you feel that you’re the only person getting their attention because you are “special."
• Liking. If you like someone, you will be more likely to agree with the message that person communicates. Politicians bank heavily on their public image, trying to be as likeable as possible.
• Reciprocity. If someone does something nice for you, you’ll be more likely to want to respond in kind. This is one reason you’ll be more likely to buy a product if you are given a free sample.

While these seven elements are powerful, your own personality might make you susceptible to influence. Kaptein et al. summarize 3 personality characteristics that affect persuasion:

• Need for cognition. If you're high in this quality, you enjoy exercising your mind. You may scrutinize all incoming messages and be more skeptical of so-called “authorities." Rather than just taking someone’s advice, you’ll mull it over and make your own decision. 
• Conscientiousness. If you’re high in this trait, you’ll also be more likely to go along with messages that rely on consensus or social proof. You like to stick to rules and prescriptions, so will follow those that lay them out for you as expected.
• Desire for consistency. We might call this a type of gullibility: If you take that first step of giving in to a small request, you’ll be more vulnerable to agreeing to the larger one—if you like to appear consistent. To resist this tendency, you have to decide to stick to your own, predetermined principles.

The final component of the equation is timing. One of the reasons that health-monitoring apps work is that they catch you frequently during the course of the day so that you can still modify your behavior. Of course, you also have to check the app to know how you’re doing. Kaptein et al.’s analysis suggests that if you want to change something like a health-related behavior, you need to set up automatic reminders that prompt you to check your progress so those messages will reach your targeted behavior.
Whether being easily influenced is a positive or negative attribute depends on the change that you or others seek. When you're trying to improve your health or reduce your energy consumption, you want to be as easily influenced as possible. But if you want to avoid being the target of marketing ploys that deprive you of money, health, or self-respect, you should know how to build your inner resistance.