Why Do Couples Look Alike? 3 Reasons Partners Begin To Resemble Each Other, Explained

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LOIC VENANCE/AFP/Getty Images It is a truth universally acknowledged that couples who sidestep their individuality and become One Combined Being are the most irritating people at every cocktail party. They talk in plurals and “we”s, have matching shirts, and — oddly — even seem to look like each other. The first two can be stopped; but science has declared that, in the last case, the longer you’re together with a partner (and we’re talking seriously longterm here, in decades, not months), you really do start resembling each other more. It’s called convergence of appearance, if you want to get technical. But they’re still undecided as to why couples start to dress and look alike, and there are a few competing theories about why your Aunt Wilma and Uncle Wilbur could pass for each other easily in a badly lit room.
We’ve heard that we’re likely to settle down with people who look quite similar to us — even if we casually date people who look different. Opposites may attract (Kendrick Lamar’s never wrong, right?), but that appears to be confined to personality: while we seem to like a bit of difference in a partner’s character, when it comes to faces, it’s usually all us, all the time.
So what on earth is going on here —why would people start to morph slowly into their partners, and why are scientists telling us it’s actually a good sign?

1. You Look Like Each Other To Begin With

One of the greatest secrets of the dating pool is that people seem to actively attempt to date people similar to them in some way — in education level, height, age, face shape, whatever. It’s called assortative mating, and it’s used to explain why educated people tend to marry other educated people and double their opportunities. It’s not hard to understand why — you like somebody who knows what you’re talking about when you moan about your 9-to-5 and college loans — but similarity is also determined, on a certain level, by genetics. And that includes faces.

We seem to like genetic similarity; opposites don’t actually attract all that conclusively, if you trust the science. A study from 2014 shows that white people in particular pick lifetime mates who have similar DNA. Forget the obsession with band T-shirts and the inability to play Monopoly without screaming: you may not have worked out with your ex because they just weren’t that genetically compatible. 

We want to pass on our own genes, apparently, and somebody who looks just like us will bolster our chances of a similar-looking kid, as opposed to one that’s inherited their weird facial hair and knock knees. (Unfortunately, there’s been little-to-no research on how this trend plays out in mixed race couples.)

2. You’re Sharing The Same Experiences

The “facial likeness” study of the now-late psychologist Robert Zajonc of the University of Michigan in 1987 is still the benchmark for people who worry they’re developing their partner’s scowl. Zajonc and his team asked volunteers to match photographs of men and women based on their facial similarity, and found that couples who’d been married for 25 years were overwhelmingly paired together.

There are two main hypotheses for why this happened. Zajonc thought it was because a long life together meant shared experiences that left similar lines on faces — and that couples would therefore begin to look more similar. 

Others are more practical, believing that it’s simply a matter of genetic similarity becoming more evident as the rigors of age remove distinguishing features. Either way, the logic of Zajonc’s ideas is pretty easy to understand: a couple who have lived lives of hardship and difficulty will probably wear similar frown lines.  

3. The Happier You Are, The More Alike You Look 

Zajonc’s theory of emotional face-mirroring was based on a basic principle: we mimic the people we’re around the most. This phenomenon, called “unconscious mimicry,” has been known for ages, and it’s why we unconsciously take on the intonation of our friends’ voices, or copy our boyfriend’s stance at the bar. It’s meant to bond us and make us feel part of the group, but Zajonc also thought it meant mimicking a spouse over a long period of time, which would gradually reshape the face.
Genetic similarity, scientific studies show, already seems to coincide with a happy marriage — but whether that’s cause or effect is up in the air. Are you happy because you understand each other, or because you share the same gene variant (5-HTTLPR), thought to be the key to being emotionally attuned to a relationship? Does the happiness make the facial similarity, or vice versa? 
One thing’s for certain, though: just because you look similar doesn’t mean you’ll start to think the same. A 2010 study showed that people who’d been married for 40 years were just as definitively different personality-wise as they had been at the start of their marriages, even if they now shared habits, homes, and mortgages. Marriage, it seems, is only skin-deep.

上班族的人生往往是無趣又辛苦，每天重覆做著一樣的事，有大量的工作卻只能領微薄的薪水，讓許多上班族變得鬱鬱寡歡整日憂鬱。不論是令人想窩在家裡睡覺的 大雨天，或是超適合出遊的好天氣，都必須乖乖到公司賣命，讓很多上班族怨嘆自己的生活太悲情。最近日本的推特上出現了一系列描繪單身OL日常生活的插畫， 保證讓同樣身為上班族的你看了覺得心有戚戚焉！

▼結束了一成不變的工作，單身OL回到家都累得想哭

▼真希望能像幫手機充電一樣給自己充電

▼在一個週日下午，單身OL愜意地享用壽司

▼想到禮拜一又要來了，就覺得好絕望

▼因為不想一醒來就又要去上班，硬是要滑手機拖延時間

▼下班後買一盒Häagen-Dazs回家，是一天中最幸福的時光

▼日曆撕了一張又一張，卻還是不知道未來在哪裡

▼多希望現在的人生不是真的，一切都是錯誤

▼為了讓周末過得更漫長，於是把飲料倒過來喝好讓自己多花一點時間

▼在週六下午玩點小遊戲自得其樂

下一頁還有更多單身OL的悲情人生！

 ▼實在是太累了，瞪著飛揚的灰塵卻什麼都不想做

▼做了一個無止境加班的惡夢，把單身OL嚇醒

▼一個人孤枕難眠，只好跟床上的小蟲子玩

▼這麼好的天氣，居然還要去上班

▼單身OL決定她不能再這樣下去了，於是她參加了大學同學會

▼結果發現她根本不適合來這裡，於是躲到角落去睡覺，直到有人來叫她起床付錢

▼因為太過憂鬱而大哭，卻還被別人當成是喝醉

▼別人都去續攤，單身OL卻決定直接回家

▼滑著臉書看同學會的合照，卻發現自己沒有出現在任何一張相片裡

最後一張實在是太慘了啊！相信很多人其實都不太滿足自己所處的現況，但如果真的會因為工作讓自己有愈來愈抑鬱的現象，勇敢的換一個環境或是拋下一切去旅行，絕對會是個不錯的選擇喔！

延伸閱讀
>>減肥要吃得對！簡單示意圖告訴你吃什麼會胖哪裡？

How You Can Tell That It's the Right Time to Quit

Sticking with the wrong goal could lead to a dead end.

Post published by Shahram Heshmat Ph.D. on Apr 20, 2015 in Science of Choice

 

"No problem is so formidable that you cannot walk away from it," said Peanuts creator Charles Schulz. Quitting is usually perceived to be negative, whereas perseverance is seen as admirable and even essential for success in life. Surprisingly, though, when perseverance is taken too far, it becomes self-destructive. Research (link is external) shows that people who let go of unattainable goals experience higher well-being. So why is it so hard to surrender?
Here is the one thing to consider in order to celebrate "failure": We may be biased against quitting because we are trapped in the "sunk cost fallacy. (link is external)"
Sunk costs are those costs that are beyond recovery the moment a decision is made. They represent the time and effort already spent on a project. For example, consider membership in a warehouse club like Sam’s Club that costs $40 per year. To “recoup” the membership fee, members often overspend on frivolous things, such as five-pound barrels of pretzels.

Source: file404/Shutterstock

Everyone experiences the influence of sunk costs in some form or another, whether through the investment of time or money in projects or doomed relationships. It is hard to let go. And while we know it's common, the sun (link is external)k cost fallacy (link is external) may also be more dangerous than we realize.
Holding on to a current subpar opportunity hinders the potential for one's future. To help you let go of sunk-cost thinking, economists recommend instead considering opportunity cost. Whereas a sunk cost is about the past, opportunity cost is about the future.
In a world of finite resources, every dollar you spend on one thing is not spent elsewhere. Held back by yesterday's projects, you cannot solve future problems. Letting go, then, and ending the continued investment of time, money, or energy in one direction offers us practical and mental freedom to advance in another, more promising area.
Those who quit dead-end projects or relationships are mentally healthier than those who stay entrapped, as people trapped by dead-end goals may begin to experience negative affects like anxiety and diminished well-being.
When we are overly focused on a particular goal or outcome, we become rigid and inflexible. This narrows our options and makes us feel more limited. Use your time and resources more effectively: Do not be afraid to give up frustrating goals. New opportunities will be just around the corner. 

How Do We Know Who We Want?

What we say we want, and who we're attracted to, don't always match.

Post published by Erica B Slotter Ph.D. on May 11, 2015 in Me, You, & Us

 I have confessed before that I secretly love watching reality TV about relationships. One of my favorites is “Married at First Sight (link is external)” on the FYI network, which just started its second season. On the show, individuals who wanted to get married but were having trouble finding a suitable partner were matched with each other to be married. During the matching process, the potential spouses discuss with a group of experts what they are looking for in a partner, or what an ideal spouse would look like for them.
Afterward, they are matched with a spouse whom they meet for the first time at the altar. The couples then marry, go on a honeymoon, move in together, and have to live as husband and wife for six weeks. At the end of the six weeks, they decide whether or not they want to stay married.
When I blogged about this show several months ago, I focused on the theories that people carry into relationships about what makes them work. This time, I'd like to focus on a different aspect of attraction and relationships—our preferences for the traits that our ideal partners should possess.
In “Married at First Sight,” all of the potential participants meet with the show’s creators to discuss what they would like their ideal spouse to look like, what values they’d like the person to have, and what general characteristics they are looking for. Thinking about our ideal type of partner is something that most of us have done at some point in our lives. Poets Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye even have a fabulous piece about it (“When love arrives (link is external)”), in which they claim that at different points in their lives they “knew exactly what love looked like,” before listing off traits that they wanted their partners to possess such as “love wore a hemp necklace,” or “love wore a French braid.”
Closer to home, who hasn’t thought about the looks, interests, or characteristics of their “dream” partner?
The questions then are whether the ideal preferences we all have rattling around in our heads actually translate into the types of partners we eventually choose—and whether choosing a partner who is similar to our ideal actually makes for a successful relationship.
With regard to whether we actually do choose partners based on our ideal preferences, the findings are somewhat mixed (Eastwick et al., 2013). Generally speaking, we do express greater romantic interest in potential romantic partners to the extent that they possess traits that we say we desire (Eastwick, Finkel, & Eagly, 2011). However, this occurs only when viewing the potential partner “on paper,” such as on an online dating website or a written profile. When we meet potential partners in person, our ideals don’t seem to matter as much. Specifically, the researchers found that when they brought participants face-to-face with potential partners in an actual dating situation, the traits that participants reported wanting in a partner no longer predicted who they would be interested in going on another date with (Eastwick et al., 2011).
The same researchers also found that the match between our ideal desired traits in a partner and a partner’s actual traits predicted people evaluating a current partner more positively. However, this ideal match did not predict people evaluating a potential partner who they had just met more positively (Eastwick et al., 2011). It seems that, when choosing our partners, our ideal mate preferences don’t always predict who we want to be with.
In contrast, in ongoing relationships, greater matching between our ideal preferences and our partner’s actual traits predicts both enhanced relationship satisfaction and a decreased risk of the relationship ending within the next month (see Campbell & Fletcher, 2015 for an overview of these findings). It seems that having a current partner who matches our ideals is a good thing for our relationships.
But even this association has its nuances. It turns out that what matters for relationship well-being is the overall correlation (or pattern of associations) between the traits that we desire and the traits our partner possesses. One-to-one matching—wherein we want a partner who is high on trait X and our partner is not high on trait X—does not predict relationship well-being or the risk of breakup/divorce (Eastwick & Neff, 2012). Thus, for the health of our relationships, how well our partner matches our overall pattern of preferences matters more than whether or not they possess any one particular trait.
As the new season of “Married at First Sight” progresses, it will be interesting to see how well the ideal preferences of the various individuals are matched within their chosen spouses. The research suggests that, at least while they get to know each other, ideal mate preferences may not matter so much for how much participants like their new spouse. However, as their relationships progress, the overall pattern of matching between their ideals and their spouse may have implications for whether those relationships survive.

從自己會的事情開始做起──提升工作能力的方法

從自己會的事情開始做起──提升工作能力的方法

方法1 掌握「時間就是金錢」的工作奧義
本章我們的重點非常技術性，也就是如何提高自己的工作能力。要讓工作起來更得心應手，提高自我「能力」也是非常重要的一件事。因此，本章後半段我們會以擁有工作技術為前提，再來談到關於思考方式的重要性。
要做好一件工作，首先必須做好時間管理。
基本上這個世界分配給所有人的時間都是一樣的。儘管有金錢或社會地位的不平等，甚至有人出生在富貴人家，有人出生在貧窮家庭的天生不平等，但每個人所擁有的一天都是二十四個小時，沒有人會多出一分鐘，也沒有人會少一分鐘。
有句諺語：「時間就是金錢」，寫成英文則是「Time is money」。除了字面上的意思「時間就是金錢」之外，我認為還有另一種解釋，就是「懂得時間管理的人，才能創造財富」。
我們一般把它稱為時間管理，就是如何有效地運用這些有限的資源，也就是造物主分配給所有人的時間。
雖然我並沒有強調要善用時間，但可以肯定的是：忙碌是一件難能可貴的事。它可以幫助我們提升運用時間的能力，因為你必須思考如何在短時間內做同樣的事情。但令人遺憾的是，大多數的人都是「玩樂時間」比較多，換句話說就是浪費掉的時間比較多。
接下來我們要來談點技術性的話題，也就是關於時間管理的訣竅。

方法2 消除抗拒開始工作的訣竅
如果曾經觀察過那些工作能力不好的人，就會發現到他們通常都有一種傾向，就是要花很久的時間才肯開始著手工作。而那些工作能力強的人，則是很快就能進入狀況開始著手工作。
工作能力差的人往往對開始著手工作有很強烈的抗拒感，所以他們總是會找一些藉口來拖延。比如說：「還是先喝杯咖啡再開始工作吧……」或是「打開電腦之後，先看一下臉書再說吧！」甚至讓旁邊的人都忍不住想插嘴說：「真是的，你還不快點去工作。」
相反地，工作能力強的人都會認真思考事情的優先順序，然後先從非做不可的事情開始處理。
此外再補充一點，就是工作能力強的人也很善於營造好的工作環境，讓自己馬上就能夠進入狀況。工作能力差的人通常都不會收拾整理房間或桌子，電腦桌面上也有很多圖像。
如此一來，就算要找個東西也要花點時間，找東西花的時間越久，就越抗拒開始著手工作。為了避免發生這種情形，最好先把眼前工作必要的東西準備好，讓你立刻就可以進入工作狀況。平時就應該養成好的習慣，替自己營造這樣的工作環境。
讓辦公桌保持隨時可以開始動工的狀態
要消除抗拒開始工作的心態，光是收拾整理桌面還不夠。以我為例，經常讓桌上保持隨時可以開始做下一項工作的狀態。
舉例來說，如果隔天必須寫一篇稿子，我就會在前一天工作結束時，把準備好的資料先拿出來放在桌上後再離開辦公室。隔天一早進入辦公室時，馬上就能進入工作狀態，減少抗拒感。
如果當想寫封電子郵件給某人時，剛好有客戶來訪，我就會先打開電子郵件，輸入寄件人信箱再離開座位。如果有必須要寫的文章，就會先打開電腦的文件檔案。
總之，就是要讓辦公桌保持隨時可以開始動工的狀態。如此一來，不想立刻動手工作的抗拒感就會減少很多，隨時都可以進入工作的狀態。
此外，在工作時會使用到的一些文具，也可以事先備妥自己喜歡的款式。
例如，一枝三千日圓的鋼筆和五千日圓的鋼筆，當然用五千日圓的鋼筆會讓人更想要工作。在寫信給重要的客戶時，如果是用自己喜歡的鋼筆來寫，心情也會比較好，比較不會有抗拒感。相反地，如果用的是一枝難寫的鋼筆，往往會讓人心生放棄吧！
挑選可以提高工作士氣的文具，也可以降低對工作的抗拒感。只要稍微用點心思，工作心情可是會大大的不同。

方法3 用行事曆管理時間
時間管理不可或缺的一項道具就是「行事曆」。
不過務必要使用適當的行事曆才行，像學生們偶爾會使用的行事曆，一天只有一格空間的記事本並不合適，而只有分上午和下午的行事曆也一樣不適合。因為空格很少，只寫一個行程就沒有多餘的空間可以寫其他了，會讓人有種忙碌的錯覺。
現代人通常要查看自己是否有空閒，都會打開行事曆查看一下空白的部分。因此唯有使用適當的行事曆，才能清楚地掌握自己的行程，同時還可以防止自己陷入忙碌錯覺的恐慌之中。
建議大家使用以一個小時為區分的行事曆。我也曾經使用過電子行事曆大約兩年，優點是很方便，可以輸入大量的資料，缺點則是要輸入很麻煩，也無法一覽無遺。最後我還是恢復使用紙本的行事曆。
我現在使用的分別是英國的「Let’s diary」行事曆，以及我自創的「小宮一慶商務人士行事曆」兩種。
「Let’s diary」的行事曆是用來管理行程表，而小宮一慶行事曆則是用來管理代辦事項，以及記下一些比較在意的數字。後者因為附有二十年來景氣指標的統計資料等等，使用起來非常方便。
如果你使用的是那種只有分上下午或一天只有一個空格的簡單行事曆，建議不妨趁這個機會把它換掉，這樣才能正確掌握自己的空閒時間。如此一來，一定會發現自己可以運用的時間其實比想像中還要多。
正確使用行事曆，擺脫忙、雜、亂
再來是關於行事曆的使用方法，先來介紹一下我的使用方式吧！
我會先把「行程表」和「待辦事項」分開，「行程表」部分會把例如「演講從幾點開始到幾點結束」寫下來，事先決定好要花多少時間。
至於諸如「要寫電子郵件給某某人」或「校稿」等等的事，雖然有期限，但什麼時候做都可以，就會把它們歸類為待辦事項。
要先能夠正確地掌握行程表，再利用空檔處理一些待辦事項。不妨以一星期為一個單位，只要能夠確實掌握行程，不管多麼忙碌都不會讓自己陷入手忙腳亂的狀態。萬一真的遇到很忙碌的時候，就會提早進公司處理一些該做的待辦事項。
你是否曾經有過這樣的經驗：要處理的事情很多，但就只是一昧地感到心急如焚而已，事情卻沒有任何的進展。
事實上，只要能夠正確地掌握「待辦事項」和「所要花費的時間」以及「自己的空閒時間」，先把它寫在行事曆上面，就不至於出現手忙腳亂的情形。
我自認應該算是全日本最忙碌的那種管理顧問吧！每年要到二百多個地方演講和研修，不光是待在東京而已，還要全國走透透。我不僅擔任數十家公司的董事或顧問，而且自己還開公司，每個月還要到大阪電視錄影兩次。光是去年，我就搭了一百三十三次的新幹線和八十趟的飛機。
除此之外，我每個月在雜誌上連載的文章就超過十幾篇，每年還要趁空檔寫書，大約出版十幾本的著作，還要出席義工活動。處於這種忙碌的狀態下，依然能夠「妥善安排行程」，行事曆居功厥偉。
集中精力做只有自己才能處理的事
至於為什麼只要能夠妥善地安排行程，工作能力就會比較好呢？那是因為可以正確地掌握行程和待辦事項的關係。如此一來，一些可以交待下屬去做的事即能完全委 由下屬去做，例如：安排行程就全權交由祕書去做，至於調查或蒐集必要的資料等事可以請員工進行，然後便能集中精力去做那些只有自己才能處理的事情。
即使再忙碌，我每年為了工作而犧牲睡眠的次數頂多只有幾次而已，每天都會睡飽七個小時，甚至比一般上班族睡得都還要好。
我是在用腦力工作，最重要的就是「靈感」，如果因為睡眠不足而讓頭腦變得昏沉遲鈍，就算絞盡腦汁也想不出好的點子來，有時反而是在靈光乍現的時候，才會得到正確的結論。如果因為時間不夠而讓自己陷入恐慌，後果往往不堪設想。在這種情況下去開會或演講，對客戶是非常失禮的。
誠摯建議大家都能夠養成這種習慣，正確地掌握「該做的事情」和「要花多少時間」，以及「自己的空閒時間」。如此一來，應該就會發現多出很多空檔。
如果把多出來的時間用來進修學習，一定可以提升自己的身價；休假時則多多增加和家人相處的時間或從事休閒活動，畢竟「時間就是金錢」啊！

方法4 無法提早到公司的人就輸了
我向來不熬夜的，這不是很理所當然的嗎？因為一旦熬夜，隔天便無法早起。
大多數的上班族若無法在白天展現工作績效，是無法獲得好評的，如果是那種獨自在家寫作的人則另當別論，他們似乎比較喜歡在深夜時分工作。畢竟一般的上班族幾乎都不會在深夜工作，所以務必讓自己在白天卯足全力才行。
進一步來說，最好在白天，也就是早上的時間就能夠讓自己維持在最佳狀態中。擠在人滿為患的捷運裡，在快要遲到之前及時趕到，雖然沒有違反公司規定，但我必須很嚴苛的說：晚進公司的人，當下就已經輸了。
每天上班都能提早抵達的好處有哪些呢？不但有足夠的時間可以瀏覽報紙，還可以知道那些比自己晚到的同事都在做些什麼。相對的，那些很晚才到公司的 人，不但無法在擁擠的捷運上看報紙，甚至完全不知道那些比自己早到的人都在做些什麼。單就這一點來看，就已經完全輸給早到的同事了。
利用早到時間跟上司交換資訊
此外，通常在公司位居要膱的人都會提早進公司。以前有句話諷刺上班遲到的人說他們是「董事上班」，現在這樣的人則是「無法成為公司要膱的人」。等真正成為 公司的大咖之後才上班遲到，也不會落人口舌。但通常一般上班族的上班時間都是從早上九點開始，如果老是拖到十點才進公司，也難怪會被公司炒魷魚。
在公司身居要職或想要成為大咖的人，通常都會提早進公司。而且早到的人有時間可以跟上司交換資訊，甚至在非正式的場合得到上司的建言。而是否能夠利用早上的時間跟上司交換資訊，對你往後的發展影響極大。
從上司的立場來看，也會認為那些願意提早進公司的員工，肯定是比較值得疼愛的下屬，他們通常不會把重要的任務交給那些經常遲到，還不時打哈欠的人。
同時提早進公司比較有機會可以請教公司大咖一些意見，因為在上班之前還有充分時間可以請教一些比較棘手的問題。
至於那些姍姍來遲的人，大概都是在上司最忙碌的尖峰時間向上司問道：「我有件事想要找你商量一下」或「能不能聽我說一下下呢？只要耽誤你兩、三分鐘的時間就好了……」
上司可能會很客氣地拒絕，因為有時候可能會忙到連兩、三分鐘的空閒時間都沒有。
另外，擠著人滿為患的捷運或公車及時趕到公司上班，很可能在還沒開始工作之前就已經沒有心情和體力了，萬一遇到出乎意料之外的狀況導致上班遲到，在精神上也會大受影響。
所以提早進公司的好處是非常多的。
好好運用自己的起始時間
如果能在白天上班時保持良好的狀態，進而找出自己工作最起勁的時間點，就能利用那段時間集中精神工作，提高工作效率。我把這個稱為「起始的時間」，因為時間也有輕重。
以我為例，完全是屬於上午型態的，所以都會利用這段時間處理一些比較棘手的問題或寫作。至於體力最差的時段則是在下午，所以下午的工作效率最低。因 此吃過午餐之後，頭腦還不是很清醒的這段時間，如果沒有安排行程，我就會利用這段時間整理一下書桌，或做一些不需要用到腦力的事。
另外，從下午開始也會安排一些比較不需要集中精神的工作，例如，新書簽名會或接待客人來訪等等。我會趁早上精神飽滿、身體狀況最好的時候去做一些適合的工作。
關鍵就在於如何善用自己的「起始時間」，集中精神處理一些可以提高生產效率的工作。
方法5 對方時間也一樣寶貴
雖然前面我們談了一些如何有效運用時間的方法，但也不能只在意到自己的時間，同時也要顧慮到他人的時間。能夠考量到對方時間的人，往往也比較能夠善用下屬的時間。
比方說，行程表中剛好有安排兩個小時要跟客戶協商，如果在這之前就先交待下屬幫你去做某件事情，那麼下屬就可以趁這段時間幫你處理這件事。然而，那 些無法做好時間管理的人，往往得等到跟客戶會談結束之後才臨時想到要交待屬下做事，遇到這種情況，想必也會造成屬下的困擾，畢竟是上司交待的工作，屬下也 只能照單全收。
這裡所說的要考量到對方時間，所指的就是類似這種情形，不管對方是你的下屬或客戶都一樣。特別是在自己很閒的情況下，往往就無法體會到別人的忙碌。因此千萬要了解到這一點，對方的時間也是很寶貴的。
有效率地把握時間
記得我之前在外商銀行工作時，有位同事曾說，他只要跟某人見面之後，發現彼此談話的內容對雙方都沒有幫助，就會認為是在浪費時間，而給對方負面評價；相反地，如果聽到的內容有很大幫助的話，就會給予正面的評價。
對忙碌的人來說，時間就是最大的資源。同樣的，對於對方來說「時間就是金錢」。因此，不僅要把對方的時間納入考量，同時還必須盡量在最短時間內，告訴對方有用的資訊。


邁向成功，就從自己會的事開始做起：能力╳熱忱╳思考方式，助你職場無往不利
仕事の王道
作者： 小宮一慶
譯者：蕭照芳
出版社：寶鼎

A Single Question Can Boost Your Chance of Getting a Date

The key, research shows, is getting your foot in the door. Here's how.

Post published by Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D. on Feb 28, 2015 in The Attraction Doctor

 Previously, I discussed the benefits (and increased success) to be found by asking someone you like out for a date directly (see here and here). For those who remained shy or anxious, I also explained how to ask someone out in a more indirect way (here). Further, I explained how such requests could be crafted with a bit of persuasion for added effect too (here).
Continuing on this topic, research suggests that making a small request first may lead a person to be more likely to agree to a date. This phenomenon is known as the "Foot-in-the-Door" (FITD) effect. Essentially, when someone agrees to a small, initial request, they then feel more agreeable, positive, and comfortable with a larger, related second request. This works in all kinds of persuasive situations, from sales, to donations, to altruistic endeavors—and dating, too.
Getting Your Foot in The Door

Source: LDprod/Shutterstock

Gueguen and associates tested whether the FITD effect would work on requests for a date (Gueguen, Marchand, Pascual, & Lourel, 2008). They directed three young male participants (age 19 to 21), neatly dressed in sneakers and jeans, to walk around a shopping area in France and ask out 378 young women (age 18 to 22). Randomly, the men either asked for an immediate date with the woman, or asked her for a small favor first (specifically, a light for his cigarette or directions). The requests were as follows:
Direct Request: "Hello, I'm sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you were busy now. If not, we could have a drink together if you have some time."
Small Favor First: "Hello, I'm sorry to bother you but would you have a light for my cigarette?" (Or, "Hello, I'm sorry to bother you but I am looking for the Place de Liberation.")

• If the woman gave the light or directions, the man responded, "Thank you very much. Are you busy now? If not, we could have a drink together, if you have some time."
  
• If she did not have a lighter or directions, the man responded, "It doesn't matter. Are you busy now? If not, we could have a drink together, if you have some time."
  

Results of the experiment indicated that women were significantly more likely to agree to a date after first providing directions or a light for the man's cigarette—while only 3.3% of women agreed to an immediate date directly, 15% agreed to a date after providing a light and 15.8% agreed after giving directions. These percentages were generally the same for all three men making the various requests. Therefore, making the small request first did indeed increase the women's willingness to go on a date—much as the FITD effect works in other influence situations.
Making the Best Date Request
While this effect is striking, the overall percentages of women agreeing to a date were lower than those found in some other studies (see here and here). There are a couple of factors that may account for these differences:

• Relationship Status. In the study above, 25.4% of the women refused the date because they were already in a committed relationship. Previous studies have focused on making requests to single and available individuals only.
  
• Timing of Date. In the study above, 19.1% of the women refused the date because they did not have enough time to go immediately. Previous studies have made date requests for later in the week or weekend, giving an individual more time to plan.
  
• Location. The study above was conducted in a shopping area, while some other studies have been conducted on a college campus. Location can make a difference, especially when "strangers" already have something in common (like being students). Commonalities and safer locations can increase acceptance of a date.
  
• Attractiveness. There was no mention of the attractiveness of the male confederates in the study above (beyond wearing sneakers and jeans). Other studies have been more specific about the attractiveness of confederates (as determined by opposite sex ratings) and found, unsurprisingly, that it matters.
  
• Sex of Recipient. The study above had men asking out women only. Other studies have looked at women making similar requests to men. Generally, men are more likely to accept a date request.
  

Conclusion
As seen above, making a small request from an individual can increase their receptivity to a later request for a date. Nevertheless, such a request is most successful when made in conjunction with other factors. Specifically, it is helpful to locate potential dates who are single, and in locations where you might have something in common (here). It also helps to look and act your best when asking for a date (here and here). Further, asking to make plans for a later time seems to be more successful than an immediate request. Add a small request or question to start, which helps break the ice too (see here), and you have an increased chance at getting a date from an attractive stranger, or even an acquaintance.

每天读一遍这7句话，让你更加自信！

1、永远不要向任何人解释你自己。因为喜欢你的人不需要，而不喜欢你的人不会相信。­
2、别让某人成为你生命中的优先，当你只是他们生命中的一个选择时。人与人之间的关系只有在彼此达到平衡时，运作的最恰当。­
3、每天早上醒来时，我们可以有两个简单的选择，回头去睡，继续做梦，或者起身去追逐梦想，选择权在你手上。­
4、我们总让在乎我们的人为我们哭泣，并总为那些永远不会在乎我们的人哭泣，且我们在意那些永远不会为我们哭泣的人，这是存在于生命的真实，奇怪却真实，一旦你了解了，改变不会太迟。­
5、别在喜悦时许下承诺，别在忧伤时做出回答，别在愤怒时做下决定。三思而后行，做出睿智的行为。­
6、时间就像流水。你永远无法触摸同样的流水两次，因为已经流逝的流水不会再来，享受生命的每个当下！­
7、当你持续的说你非常忙碌，就永远不会得到空间，当你持续的说你没有时间，就永远不会得到时间，当你持续的说这件事明天再做，你的明天就永远不会来。­


再加几句：

1、再烦，也别忘微笑；再急，也要注意语气； 再苦，也别忘坚持；再累，也要爱自己。
           
2、 低调做人，你会一次比一次稳健；高调做事，你会一次比一次优秀。
           
3、 成功的时候不要忘记过去；失败的时候不要忘记还有未来。
           
4、 有望得到的要努力，无望得到的不介意，则无论输赢姿态都会好看。
5、生活不是单行线，一条路走不通，你可以转弯。
            6、 泪水和汗水的化学成分相似，但前者只能为你换来同情，后者却可以为你赢的成功。
           
7、变老是人生的必修课，变成熟是选修课。
           
8、以锻炼为本，学会健康；以修进为本，学会求知； 以道德为本，学会做人；以适应为本，学会生存。
           
9、人生四项基本原则：懂得选择，学会放弃，耐得住寂寞，经得起诱惑。
           
10、 当所有人都低调的时候，你可以高调，但不能跑调。
           
11、学会忘记是生活的技术，学会微笑是生活的艺术。
           
12、什么是好工作：一不影响生活作息，二不影响家庭团聚，三能养家糊口。
           
13、懒惰像生锈一样，比操劳更消耗身体。
           
14、让梦想成真的最好办法就是醒来。
           
15、哲人无忧，智者常乐。并不是因为所爱的一切他都拥有了，而是所拥有的一切他都爱。16、人生有几件绝对不能失去的东西:自制的力量，冷静的头脑，希望和信心。

好好經營你的32 - 47歲，生活永遠都是美好的，只要你...

只側重豐裕的物質而忽視心靈德育
終究不是最美好的生活！

好好經營你的32 - 47歲，
生活永遠都是美好的，只要你這樣做！
往下開始看吧...

【1 、 學會放手】

這個年齡已經不允許你不成熟，
當你無力把握命運中的某種愛，
某種緣，某種現實，學會放手。

給自己身心一個全新的開始，
只要信心在，勇氣就在；努力在，成功就在。

【2 、 儲蓄友誼】

真摯的友誼是人生最溫暖的一件外套。
它是靠你的人品和性情打造的，
在這個年齡一定要好好地珍惜它，用心去儲存。

【3 、 播種善良】

一定要極儘自己所能及之事，
讓那些比你苦、比你難的人感受到這世上的陽光和美麗。
這樣的善良常常是播種，
不意間，就會開出最美麗的人性之花來。

【4 、 懂得音樂】

音樂可以陶冶情操，它會洗滌你的身心。
會打開你的記憶和想像，全心地投入，
更會給你帶來意想不到的寧靜。
它是日子中的味精，點點滴滴中讓我們的生活有了滋味。

【5、 避開兩種苦】

塵間有兩苦，一是得不到之苦，二是鍾情之苦。
在你付諸努力的前提下，所有的、想得到的都當作一場賭。
勝之坦然；敗之淡然。
好在這年齡還具有一定的資本，我們可以捲土重來。
世間最苦是鍾情，如果在這時候還有這樣的情愫，
一定要像打掃灰塵一樣，把它從心屋裡清出去。

【6 、 學會承受】

有些事情需要無聲無息地忘記，
經過一次，就長一次智慧；
有些苦痛和煩惱需要默默地去承受；歷煉一次；豐富一次。

 

【7 、 保留感恩的心】

感恩的心一定要時時保留，
它不僅讓你憐惜一沙一石、一草一枝，
還會讓你淡漠某種無形的壓力，
平撫你的慾望和爭鬥，更多的時候，
有一些幸福的感覺也往往來自於此。

【8 、 熱愛工作】

儘管它決沒有喝茶、聊天兒那樣愜意，
但它檢驗著我們的智慧和能力，
是我們體現價值和成就所必備一種內容。
一定要全心愛它，它讓你大半生有事做、有飯吃。

【9 、 善於學習】

讀書和學習都是在和智慧聊天，
它不僅保證你的記憶力、感悟力。

你的有些思想來源於此，有些見解來源於此。
並且還能醫愚，還會長久地保持你的個性魅力，
這是練瑜珈做美容所不能達到的效果，何樂而不為。

【10 、 享受運動】

很多人認為自己胖、自己醜…
於是，就有人拚命地節食減肥、手術美容。
你的大部分時間與其就浪費在這樣的情況下，
不如去享受運動、享受自然。

你的體重就不會因懶惰而上漲，
你的容貌也不會因歲月而減少生動。
那麼你就在某種程度上保存住了你的青春，你的快樂，你的健康。

等老了，和心愛的人一起， 找一個小鎮，
安靜的住下， 早上在巷口看太陽，晚上拄著拐棍敲夕陽…

離開一個地方，風景就不再屬於你；
錯過一個人，那人便再與你無關。
人生就是這樣，牽掛著、煩惱著、自由著、限制著；

走出一段路程，回頭一望，卻也生動著、美麗著；
有著你愛的人和愛你的人，有著你喜歡的事和需要你做的事，
有著牽掛你的人和你牽掛著的人；
(文章來源：網路)

人這一輩子是短暫的，

所以要讓自己健康著、開心著、幸福著，偶爾還要醉著

Sex Drive? There's No Such Thing

A new book casts doubt on some cherished assumptions.

Post published by Bella DePaulo Ph.D. on Apr 29, 2015 in Living SingleCome As You Are (link is external): The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life is the punny title Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., gave her new book. Speaking about it in an interview (link is external) with New Scientist, she declared, flatly, that there is no such thing as a "sex drive":

"A drive is a motivational system to deal with life-or-death issues, like hunger or being too cold. You're not going to die if you don't have sex."

Nagoski has heard the one about the perpetuation of the species over and over again, and is still not buying the argument that there is a sex drive: "When it comes to sex, there just isn't any physical evidence of a drive mechanism."
She thinks we have confused "spontaneous desire" with what she calls "responsive desire." The spontaneous version of a drive feels like it comes from out of the blue, as when we feel hungry. With regard to sex, the spontaneous version of desire occurs, for example, when a stray thought about sex makes you want to have sex. That's different from when you experience something that actually is arousing, as, for example, when your partner starts kissing your neck.
Spontaneous desire, Nagoski says, "is totally fun. But you're not broken just because you're not experiencing it. Spontaneous desire isn't necessary for sexual pleasure."
We tend to think that the spontaneous version of sexual desire is universal, when really, it is mostly a guy thing. For about 70 percent of men, Nagoski explains, spontaneous desire is "their primary desire style." But that's true for only about 10 to 20 percent of women.
Nagoski thinks there is another important way that women differ from men in their sexuality : Their sexual responses are more variable. She also thinks there will never be a "pink pill" that is comparable to the blue one for men.

When You Need Compassion, Who Can You Really Count On?

4 things you need to consider before reaching out.

Post published by Guy Winch Ph.D. on Apr 19, 2015 in The Squeaky Wheel 

 You feel distressed. Who do you approach for compassion and support? Intuitively, you search for someone who has experienced something similar to you; surely they will be more understanding, empathetic, supportive, and compassionate than someone who has not gone through a similar struggle.
Surprisingly, a new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found just the opposite.
Researchers used examples of five distressing events (e.g., enduring a polar plunge by swimming through icy water, or managing the emotional challenges of unemployment) to explore (link is external) how people who had previously endured an emotionally distressing event evaluated others who had just gone through a similar experience. They found that people who had previously experienced similar situations were not always as supportive and compassionate as one might hope.
People who had already experienced similar hardship tended to be compassionate primarily when the person seeking their support seemed to have already endured the emotionally challenging experience. In contrast, those who had struggled with the challenging experience—people who could not complete the polar plunge, for example—were actually judged more harshly by people who had been through the same experience themselves.
Why would a person who had been through a challenging emotional event be more negative and judgmental toward those who struggled with the same experience?
There are a couple of reasons:

• First, our memory of challenging experiences tends to "soften," so we forget the real emotional distress we experienced and remember the event as less distressing than it actually was. Known as "empathy gaps," this phenomenon means that we are likely to have less empathy for another person who is going through the same thing than we might have were experience been more fresh in our minds. (See Do Others Underestimate Your Emotional Pain?)
• Second, because we endured the event ourselves and have a weaker memory of how challenging it actually was, we believe that others should be able to endure it, and we might be less supportive and compassionate when we see them struggle. In other words, we think, "I managed so they should be able to manage as well."

What to Consider When Seeking Compassion from Others
Given these findings, when you are going through an emotionally challenging event—divorce, illness, loss, rejection, failure, or any other type of hardship—make sure to consider the following:

1. If you’re going through a hard time but generally managing the situation, you are probably seeking a more general, ongoing kind of emotional support. Someone who has been through a similar experience would probably be a good bet for providing empathy and compassion.
    
2. If you are at a low point or breaking point, you probably need additional support and accountability to help you get through your struggle. Someone who has been through a similar experience may judge you for your "moment of weakness," Better to seek someone who has not been through a similar experience to find more compassion and empathy.
    
3. If you have a choice of people from whom you can seek support, be aware that some people are simply more compassionate and supportive than others. All things being equal, those people are the most likely to offer compassion, regardless of whether they have been through a similar experience themselves. (See 5 Questions to Answer Before Seeking Advice.)
    
4. Above all, remember that the person who should be most compassionate to your emotional struggles is you!

Natural Cures For Depression

Mindfulness

"Mindfulness is acute awareness in the moment," says psychotherapist Nicole McCance. "The depressed mind tends to ruminate and fixate on, say, a conversation that went wrong with your boss. Being mindful is just focusing on what’s going on right now, what are you hearing, smelling, sensing. It slows the mind down and it tends to put things in perspective, like ‘right now in this moment, I’m actually OK.’"
McCance recommends literally focusing on "what colour is on the walls, where are your feet, where is your body in the chair, how do your clothes feel against your skin?"

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

"Most people think they have to see a therapist or lay on the couch," says McCance. But CBT can be done on the phone or over Skype, which tends to equal a higher retention rate. "It looks at the impact of your thoughts on your mood," she explains. "People start becoming aware of 'what are my thoughts and how do my thoughts impact my emotions?' It's counteracting automatic fear-based thoughts, because a lot of our fear is actually irrational, and you can learn that with enough practice."

Interpersonal Therapy

"This type of therapy looks at your relationships, rather than CBT which focuses on symptom reduction," says McCance. This short-term therapy usually lasts about three months, and looks at which relationships aren't working in your life and why. "It gives the tools to help you communicate better, or put up boundaries, for example."

 

Exercise

You've heard this before, and you'll hear it again — exercise can lift your mood. "It also helps with fatigue," points out McCance. She notes exercise releases endorphins in addition to norepinephrine, a hormone and natural antidepressant. "Once my clients get exercising, they're generally more positive and the ability to let things go is a bit easier for them." She recommends half an hour to an hour of moderate exercises daily, and not to wait until you're "motivated" — just get your running shoes on and go, and the motivation will come.

 

Acupuncture

A lot of people don’t know that traditional Chinese medicine looks at depression very differently. "A lot of Westerners don’t know acupuncture can impact our mood — they think it can only impact our muscles," says McCance. "In acupuncture, depression is looked at as an imbalance in the body. Pins are put in at certain meridians to remove energy blockages." She admits there's not a lot of knowledge as to why exactly it works, but has found anecdotally it makes clients more calm and less anxious, gets rid of aches and pains, and helps with sleep.

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