Mental strength requires a three-pronged approach—managing our thoughts, regulating our emotions, and behaving productively despite our circumstances.
While all three areas can be a struggle, it's often our thoughts that make it most difficult to be mentally strong.
As we go about our daily routines, our internal monologue narrates
our experience. Our self-talk guides our behavior and influences the way
we interact with others. It also plays a major role in how you feel
about yourself, other people, and the world in general.
Quite often, however, our conscious thoughts aren't realistic;
they're irrational and inaccurate. Believing our irrational thoughts can
lead to problems including communication issues, relationship problems,
and unhealthy decisions.
Whether you're striving to reach personal or professional goals, the
key to success often starts with recognizing and replacing inaccurate
thoughts. The most common thinking errors can be divided into these 10
categories, which are adapted from David Burns's book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (link is external).
1. All-or-Nothing Thinking
Sometimes we see things as being black or white: Perhaps you have two
categories of coworkers in your mind—the good ones and the bad ones. Or
maybe you look at each project as either a success or a failure.
Recognize the shades of gray, rather than putting things in terms of all
good or all bad.
2. Overgeneralizing
It's easy to take one particular event and generalize it to the rest of
our life. If you failed to close one deal, you may decide, "I'm bad at
closing deals." Or if you are treated poorly by one family member, you
might think, "Everyone in my family is rude." Take notice of times when
an incident may apply to only one specific situation, instead of all
other areas of life.
3. Filtering Out the Positive
If nine good things happen, and one bad thing, sometimes we filter out
the good and hone in on the bad. Maybe we declare we had a bad day,
despite the positive events that occurred. Or maybe we look back at our
performance and declare it was terrible because we made a single
mistake. Filtering out the positive can prevent you from establishing a
realistic outlook on a situation. Develop a balanced outlook by noticing
both the positive and the negative.
4. Mind-Reading
We can never be sure what someone else is thinking. Yet, everyone
occasionally assumes they know what's going on in someone else's mind.
Thinking things like, "He must have thought I was stupid at the
meeting," makes inferences that aren't necessarily based on reality.
Remind yourself that you may not be making accurate guesses about other
people's perceptions.
5. Catastrophizing
Sometimes we think things are much worse than they actually are. If you
fall short on meeting your financial goals one month you may think, "I'm
going to end up bankrupt," or "I'll never have enough money to retire,"
even though there's no evidence that the situation is nearly that dire.
It can be easy to get swept up into catastrophizing a situation once
your thoughts become negative. When you begin predicting doom and gloom,
remind yourself that there are many other potential outcomes.
6. Emotional Reasoning
Our emotions aren't always based on reality but we often assume those feelings are rational. If you're worried about making a career
change, you might assume, "If I'm this scared about it, I just
shouldn't change jobs." Or, you may be tempted to assume, "If I feel
like a loser, I must be a loser." It's essential to recognize that emotions, just like our thoughts, aren't always based on the facts.
7. Labeling
Labeling involves putting a name to something. Instead of thinking, "He
made a mistake," you might label your neighbor as "an idiot." Labeling
people and experiences places them into categories that are often based
on isolated incidents. Notice when you try to categorize things and work
to avoid placing mental labels on everything.
8. Fortune-telling
Although none of us knows what will happen in the future, we sometimes
like to try our hand at fortune-telling. We think things like, "I'm
going to embarrass myself tomorrow," or "If I go on a diet,
I'll probably just gain weight." These types of thoughts can become
self-fulfilling prophecies if you're not careful. When you're predicting
doom and gloom, remind yourself of all the other possible outcomes.
9. Personalization
As much as we'd like to say we don't think the world revolves around us,
it's easy to personalize everything. If a friend doesn't call back, you
may assume, "She must be mad at me," or if a co-worker is grumpy, you
might conclude, "He doesn't like me." When you catch yourself
personalizing situations, take time to point out other possible factors
that may be influencing the circumstances.
10. Unreal Ideal
Making unfair comparisons about ourselves and other people can ruin our motivation.
Looking at someone who has achieved much success and thinking, "I
should have been able to do that," isn't helpful, especially if that
person had some lucky breaks or competitive advantages along the way.
Rather than measuring your life against someone else's, commit to
focusing on your own path to success.
Fixing Thinking Errors
Once you recognize your thinking errors, you can begin trying to
challenge those thoughts. Look for exceptions to the rule and gather
evidence that your thoughts aren't 100% true. Then, you can begin
replacing them with more realistic thoughts.
The goal doesn't need to be to replace negative thoughts with overly
idealistic or positive ones. Instead, replace them with realistic
thoughts. Changing the way you think takes a lot of effort initially,
but with practice, you'll notice big changes—not just in the way you
think, but also in the way you feel and behave. You can make peace with
the past, look at the present differently, and think about the future in
a way that will support your chances of reaching your goals.
2015年1月29日
2015年1月28日
爱错
是什么样的一种感情，我实在不懂。
因为我不是爱狗人士。
实在无法明白为什么有人会爱狗如命。
你惹到他的狗，他会跟你拼命，
爱到那种极端的爱。
不就是一只动物吗？
阿容婶住在乡下，养了三只狗，放任他们到处走动。
乡村房屋没篱笆，狗儿自由趴趴走。
最喜欢到隔壁弟弟阿福的菜园玩。
狗儿不懂可以玩的东西或不可玩的东西，本来就是动物。
所以狗儿一到菜园，就满地走动，跑跳滚，无一不作。
可怜阿福辛苦种的空心菜、菜心、茄子等物，那经得起狗的放肆动作。
农耕本来就属劳作，日晒雨淋，还要受蚊虫叮咬，兼看天吃饭。
不是种瓜就能得瓜的。
所以一旦看见自己的劳苦被这样的破坏，那种痛可想而知。
跟隔壁家姐姐阿容婶讲，要她把狗绑住。
阿容婶绑了几天，又打回原型，任它们到处趴趴走。
阿福看了这样的姐姐，爱狗多于爱弟弟。
怎么也想不通。
狗与弟弟，姐姐竟选着了有四只脚的狗。
阿容婶是爱错了吧？
10 Psychological Strengths, Including the Most Valuable 2
It is nearly impossible to sift through the hundreds of articles
published each year on psychological strengths. I empathize with parents
who want to know which strengths are most important to cultivate in
their children, as nothing is to be gained by trying to develop every
valuable attribute. I empathize with organizations, including schools,
first responders, and social entrepreneurs who want to create a culture
in which each person can maximize their potential. All of us are deluged
by too much information.
But there is another insidious problem in psychology: Too many researchers focus their energies on their favorite pet construct, never adequately testing if it deserves more attention than the alternatives. There are researchers who specialize in gratitude. Others specialize in forgiveness, and others in self-compassion, or optimism, or grit, or savoring. Some are hyperfocused on happiness—and a competing group is hyperfocused on meaning and purpose in life. Each research team spends a lot of time showcasing how their baby predicts a satisfying life, healthy relationships, physical health, and other elements of well-being.
Money is at stake—if you can show that what you are working on is the most valuable investment. Reputation is at stake—to stand out from the crowd, people want to show they are the world's leading expert in a single topic by writing papers and books, giving talks, and producing workshops on their primary idea. (A look at my record shows that I have been guilty of this myself (link is external).)
Although the research programs by many of these specialists are appealing, the list of psychological strengths, motivations, and belief systems associated with well-being is enormous. The next step should be to directly compare these different attributes on their ability to promote adaptation and adjustment.
To winnow the large number of psychological constructs with ties to well-being, researchers need to examine them simultaneously over time. This is what my colleagues and I recently did with an international community sample of 755 individuals. We compared 10 psychological strengths on their ability to:
Which 10 strengths did we throw into the mix?
What did we find? As for which of the 10 strengths uniquely predicted a greater increase in goal attainment over time (two separate 6-month periods), the answers were: curiosity and grit.
However, since people sometimes become passionate about the wrong goals with few benefits, the more important question was: Which strengths boosted the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being? The only strength to boost the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being across a 6-month period twice over a year was curiosity. (Grit boosted the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being across one of the 6 month prospective periods.)
Thus, the benefits of curiosity and grit emerged as more enduring and consistent than the other eight psychological strengths under study.
These results are exciting but here are some important caveats to keep in mind: By no means was the list of psychological characteristics related to well-being exhaustive and there are other important outcomes to consider besides those in this study—including life satisfaction, positive emotions, and negative emotions. Imagine that we used a different outcome. Which strengths "win" when the focus is on maintaining a satisfying, intimate, passionate romantic relationship? Which "win" for being productive at work? Creative at work? Raising autonomous, kind children who feel confident and loved? Which strength combinations work best? There is so much great research that awaits us. That being said, this international, longitudinal study is a promising extension of smaller studies on how curiosity and grit enable people to find continual sources of enjoyment and satisfaction in meaningful life pursuits.
Forget the dodo verdict: Let's start putting our ideas about what works best for whom under which conditions to the test. Over and over again.
But there is another insidious problem in psychology: Too many researchers focus their energies on their favorite pet construct, never adequately testing if it deserves more attention than the alternatives. There are researchers who specialize in gratitude. Others specialize in forgiveness, and others in self-compassion, or optimism, or grit, or savoring. Some are hyperfocused on happiness—and a competing group is hyperfocused on meaning and purpose in life. Each research team spends a lot of time showcasing how their baby predicts a satisfying life, healthy relationships, physical health, and other elements of well-being.
Money is at stake—if you can show that what you are working on is the most valuable investment. Reputation is at stake—to stand out from the crowd, people want to show they are the world's leading expert in a single topic by writing papers and books, giving talks, and producing workshops on their primary idea. (A look at my record shows that I have been guilty of this myself (link is external).)
Although the research programs by many of these specialists are appealing, the list of psychological strengths, motivations, and belief systems associated with well-being is enormous. The next step should be to directly compare these different attributes on their ability to promote adaptation and adjustment.
To winnow the large number of psychological constructs with ties to well-being, researchers need to examine them simultaneously over time. This is what my colleagues and I recently did with an international community sample of 755 individuals. We compared 10 psychological strengths on their ability to:
- predict goal attainment
- predict the greatest changes in well-being that result from goal attainment.
Which 10 strengths did we throw into the mix?
- Grit
- Gratitude
- Curiosity
- Savoring
- Internal sense of control
- Presence of meaning in life
- Strength use and knowledge
- Attitude of pursuing happiness via maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain
- Attitude of pursuing happiness via engaging activities
- Attitude of pursuing happiness via meaningful life pursuits
What did we find? As for which of the 10 strengths uniquely predicted a greater increase in goal attainment over time (two separate 6-month periods), the answers were: curiosity and grit.
However, since people sometimes become passionate about the wrong goals with few benefits, the more important question was: Which strengths boosted the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being? The only strength to boost the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being across a 6-month period twice over a year was curiosity. (Grit boosted the effects of goal attainment on subjective well-being across one of the 6 month prospective periods.)
Thus, the benefits of curiosity and grit emerged as more enduring and consistent than the other eight psychological strengths under study.
These results are exciting but here are some important caveats to keep in mind: By no means was the list of psychological characteristics related to well-being exhaustive and there are other important outcomes to consider besides those in this study—including life satisfaction, positive emotions, and negative emotions. Imagine that we used a different outcome. Which strengths "win" when the focus is on maintaining a satisfying, intimate, passionate romantic relationship? Which "win" for being productive at work? Creative at work? Raising autonomous, kind children who feel confident and loved? Which strength combinations work best? There is so much great research that awaits us. That being said, this international, longitudinal study is a promising extension of smaller studies on how curiosity and grit enable people to find continual sources of enjoyment and satisfaction in meaningful life pursuits.
Forget the dodo verdict: Let's start putting our ideas about what works best for whom under which conditions to the test. Over and over again.
5 Ways to Stop Overthinking and Get Things Done
When you're spinning your wheels, try these thoughts.
In a recent post about learning to be more spontaneous, I suggested that you not overthink a decision. All well and good, one reader commented, with a plaintive note detectable in his typing—but how? How do you stop overthinking?
Good question.
At one time, I might have scoffed at the very suggestion that it was possible to think too much. Thinking is good! It is wise! It is what smart people do!
Yeah, well, sometimes...
Thinking things through is good. But thinking things through over and over and over until you've sunk your brain into a rut that you can't climb out of is neither productive nor healthy. There is a proven connection between rumination and depression, and another word for rumination is overthinking—the kind of thinking that doesn't move you forward. Imagine a car stuck in the mud, the wheels spinning and spinning, sinking the car deeper into the mire.
Stopping overthinking isn't easy; I'm not able to do it all the time. Sometimes resisting feels too difficult and allowing my spinning brain to take control is a lot easier than trying to fight it. Sometimes giving in to overthinking feels like sinking into a comfy chair after a long, hard day: Fine. Go ahead, brain. Have your way with me.
The urge to overthink is powerful, and so pushing back against it is a discipline in which you have to train yourself and then practice consistently. It's directly related to mindfulness, which is so widely discussed these days it has practically been reduced to a tired buzzword, but which really is as powerful as proponents insist.
Here are a few thoughts I think to short-circuit overthinking.
In a recent post about learning to be more spontaneous, I suggested that you not overthink a decision. All well and good, one reader commented, with a plaintive note detectable in his typing—but how? How do you stop overthinking?
Good question.
At one time, I might have scoffed at the very suggestion that it was possible to think too much. Thinking is good! It is wise! It is what smart people do!
Yeah, well, sometimes...
Thinking things through is good. But thinking things through over and over and over until you've sunk your brain into a rut that you can't climb out of is neither productive nor healthy. There is a proven connection between rumination and depression, and another word for rumination is overthinking—the kind of thinking that doesn't move you forward. Imagine a car stuck in the mud, the wheels spinning and spinning, sinking the car deeper into the mire.
Stopping overthinking isn't easy; I'm not able to do it all the time. Sometimes resisting feels too difficult and allowing my spinning brain to take control is a lot easier than trying to fight it. Sometimes giving in to overthinking feels like sinking into a comfy chair after a long, hard day: Fine. Go ahead, brain. Have your way with me.
The urge to overthink is powerful, and so pushing back against it is a discipline in which you have to train yourself and then practice consistently. It's directly related to mindfulness, which is so widely discussed these days it has practically been reduced to a tired buzzword, but which really is as powerful as proponents insist.
Here are a few thoughts I think to short-circuit overthinking.
- "Thinking." Just one word, and I use
it often, particularly when I'm meditating and feel my thoughts gaining
traction. This is a mindfulness technique. Sometimes our minds run away
with us before we even know it's happening. But with practice, I can now
usually feel that starting, and when I do, I just note it by saying,
"Thinking," to myself, and then try to let go of the thoughts like
releasing a balloon. Or, to employ different imagery, sometimes
overthinking feels like a runaway train and by thinking, "Thinking," I
can derail it. (No imaginary passengers were injured in the making of
this visualization.)
- "Thoughts aren't reality." I use this
mantra when I'm spiraling into overthinking some sort of difficult
situation, perceived slight, or self-judgment. It reminds me that just
because I am thinking something doesn't make it real. For example, if I fear
that I have offended a friend, I may start imagining this friend
sitting around having dark thoughts about me, enumerating my many
faults, and plotting to end the friendship.
But just because I think it don't make it real: While this friend might
be annoyed and the situation might need handling, it's equally possible the friend is simply sitting at home eating an egg-salad sandwich and wondering when the next season of Mad Men starts. Thoughts aren't reality.
They're just thoughts, and you can choose not to torture yourself with
them. (By the way, many times when I have gone back to someone and said,
"You know, I've been thinking about this thing I did and feel terrible
about it," they've said, "I didn’t even notice.")
- "Next time I'll do [this]." Torturing yourself over something you feel you didn't handle well? Rather than chewing and chewing and chewing the memory like a bitter cud, decide how you wish
you had handled it, make a plan, and vow that if the situation ever
arises again, you won't be blindsided and will do better. Then try to
let it go. You've squeezed the lesson out of it and there's nothing more
to gain from letting it hijack your brain. Oh, and if you really did do
something out of line, making an apology can be remarkably soothing to a
fevered mind.
- "I can always leave." This is good when
I'm trying to decide whether I want to attend this or that event. Rather
than burrowing into my brain and ruminating about all the ways I may or
may not enjoy it, I tell myself that if it's not fun, I can leave. I
remind myself that if I don't go, I might kick myself the next
day for missing something fun, while if I do go and it's not fun, I can
just slip out the back or make my excuses and walk away. The couch ain't
goin' nowhere.
- "Do something." I think this, and then I do something. Anything, as long as it takes my mind off whatever I'm overthinking. Distraction can be powerful.
2015年1月27日
Just for a record
I first heard this story at radio. Now I have the whole written story. Hoping that I can learn something from this story.
夫妻海上遇难，丈夫不顾妻子独自逃生。你知道最后妻子站船上向丈夫喊一句什么话吗
一艘游轮遭遇海难，船上有对夫妻，好不容易来到救生艇前，艇上只剩一个位子，这时，男人把女人推向身后，自己跳上了...救生艇。
女人站在渐沉的大船上，向男人喊出了一句话……〞
讲到这里，老师问学生：〝你们猜，女人会喊出什么话？〞
学生们群情激愤，都说：〝我恨你、我瞎了眼！〞
这时老师注意到有个学生一直没发言，就向他提问，这个学生说：〝老师，我觉得女人会喊——照顾好我们的孩子！〞
老师一惊，问：〝你听过这个故事？〞
学生摇头：〝没有，但我母亲生病去世前，就是对我父亲这样说的！〞
老师感慨道：〝回答正确。〞
轮船沉没了，男人回到家乡，独自带大女儿。
多年后，男人病故，女儿整理遗物时，发现了父亲的日记。
原来，父亲和母亲乘坐游轮时，母亲已患了绝症，关键时刻，父亲冲向了那唯一的生机，他在日记中写道：〝我多想和你一起沉入海底，可是我不能。为了女儿，我只能让你一个人长眠在深深的海底。〞
故事讲完，教室里沉默了，老师知道，学生们已经听懂了这个故事：世间的善与恶，有时错综复杂，难以分辨，所以凡事不要只看表面，不可轻易论断他人。
2015年1月26日
A bite of China
I am watching A bite of China.
Very very interesting.
As human being, we are living for eating, and eating for living.
We are working hard so that we can earn more money for a better living.
Better living means better clothes, foods, cars, house and etc.
That is what we are doing now, no matter where we are, in small town, big city, village or elsewhere.
Life is just going on.
Very very interesting.
As human being, we are living for eating, and eating for living.
We are working hard so that we can earn more money for a better living.
Better living means better clothes, foods, cars, house and etc.
That is what we are doing now, no matter where we are, in small town, big city, village or elsewhere.
Life is just going on.
2015年1月24日
Tip Sheet: (Don't) Get Used to It How to hold on to that happy feeling.
Why does the burst of happiness you get when your
life improves rarely last—whether you start eating heirloom tomatoes, get a
promotion, or marry your true love? The answer is "hedonic
adaptation," the phenomenon in which you quickly get used to better
circumstances. Recent research points to four strategies that can help keep you
from habituating to happiness. —Laura Entis
GIVE IT UP
Going without your favorite food or activity for a few weeks will help you
savor it more, finds a recent study in Social, Psychological, and Personality Science.
"We have to revirginize ourselves," says Jordi Quoidbach, one of the
study's authors. He recommends a temporary-deprivation strategy for
reappreciating everything from chocolate to sex.
REVISIT YOUR LIFE WITHOUT
Because we tend to take things for granted, it's helpful to picture our lives without an improvement. In her book, The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky advises going a step further: Try living as you did when you were a starving student or going without phoning your best friend. You'll appreciate your good fortune all the more.
TAKE A BREAK
Interrupting a pleasurable activity, even for a minute or so, makes it more
enjoyable—it jolts us out of adapting to the experience. This applies to
everything from massages to TV shows...even time off. Try multiple short trips
rather than one long one, suggests Quoidbach, so you don't have time to adjust
to the vacation lifestyle.
RELISH AMATEUR STATUS
New research indicates that if you consider yourself an expert at
anything—from fine dining to traveling—you will savor it less. Don't take
yourself too seriously, offers Quoidbach. Having a jaded, blasé attitude toward
wine, for example, can ruin even fine vintages for you.2015年1月23日
Practice makes perfect
That is always true.
Practice make perfect.
Sometimes you think that it is impossible.
When you really take action, yes, you always can achieve it.
Practice make perfect.
Sometimes you think that it is impossible.
When you really take action, yes, you always can achieve it.
6 Reasons We Don’t Chase Our Dreams
When it comes to achieving your dreams,
what’s stopping you? For many, a bad experience or discouraging person
keeps them from fulfilling their heart's desire. But there are millions
of other reasons why people don’t take a shot at happiness.
Here are a few of the most common ones:
Here are a few of the most common ones:
- You're too shy to ask.
Whether it’s asking someone out on a date or applying for a job, many of us are too shy to actually approach another person. Even today, when much of our communication occurs virtually, nothing takes the place of a face-to-face request. It’s much harder to say no to someone directly than it is to ignore an email. - You feel you don’t deserve it.
If you have doubts about your worthiness when it comes to career or relationships, you need to take a long look into your internal mirror. What negative messages are you sending to yourself? Why do you believe that you are not good enough? Asking yourself these questions can help you develop positive alternative thoughts. Remember: You deserve happiness. - You question your ability.
You may be able to ask for what you want, and feel you deserve it, but still wonder if you are up to the task. Maybe you think you don’t have the talent or the leadership ability to get the job done. Look, most people learn on the fly. You have to just dive in and expect to make a few mistakes along the way. You will get the hang of whatever it is, soon enough. - You feel that you don’t have the time to take on anything more.
Everyone I know who has successfully started their own business began working on it in their spare time. For them and many others, evenings and weekends are no longer spent in front of the television (except maybe during football season). You can spend your extra time building your dream (or dating your dream partner). Anything you want to achieve is worth the extra work. - You tell yourself that there’s someone who is better than you.
There will always be people who are better looking, or who have more money, higher degrees, greater experience, or more magnetic personalities. But they aren’t the same as you. You bring your own set of talents, your personal vision, and your values to any situation or relationship with which you’re involved. Trust that what’s inside you is as good as it gets. Now go for it. - You’re trying to keep a low profile.
You may think that you shouldn’t stand out, because you’re afraid you might get hurt. Yes, successful people can become targets for others who are angry, misguided, or feel somehow inferior. But believing that if you’re successful, harm will come your way is a myth that was started by people too scared to reach for their dreams.
2015年1月22日
Looking for a penpal
Looking for a real penpal in this modern day.
Like old style one.
Write a letter on a piece of paper.
Put in an envelope and send it out.
Waiting for a reply.
And go on.
Are you the one I am looking for?
Like old style one.
Write a letter on a piece of paper.
Put in an envelope and send it out.
Waiting for a reply.
And go on.
Are you the one I am looking for?
2015年1月21日
巧手（1）
人人虽然都有一双手。
可有的人一双手就特别巧。
A女白天是打扮干练精明能干的银行高级职员。
下班后回家关上门，穿上围裙入厨房。
承续了妈妈的厨艺，除了会烧菜、娘惹糕、西饼、蛋糕，最出名的还有过年时卖到外地的虾饼。
所以一年到头A女都忙着，正职和副职。
做的兴高采烈，尤其副业，完全是手工作品。
从一粉团，慢慢作成个种形状的饼干，糕点，再经过精心包装。
这样的一个完成品，已经算是艺术品。
A女甘之如饴的忙，也是因为享受这完成后的一分满足感。
B女每天在学校忙教学，每天面对一群小学生。
傍晚，太阳西下，走出屋后，是属于B女的另一片天地。
屋后不大的空间，有次序的种了各种蔬菜瓜果豆类。
数量不多，但B女劳作的可是兴致勃勃。
因为怕蚊虫叮咬，B女全副军装，长衣长裤，享受玩泥土的乐趣。
而这双巧手叫做绿手指。
最高兴的时候是采收的时刻。
自己种的叶菜、长豆、瓜果，吃起来特别甜。
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