During
one of my anxiety attacks, I'd experience heart palpitations, increased
heart rate (about 160 beats per minute), dizziness, difficulty
breathing, dry mouth and numbness in my arms and hands.
The
symptoms were sometimes mistaken as the beginning stages of a heart
attack and my mind would trick itself into believing that it was just
that—a heart attack!
Often it was my fear of
dying that would heighten the attacks. I was given a prescription for
Ativan to help control my attacks, but all it did was make me sleep
more.
My disorder was beginning to control my
life, and it was tearing me apart. I'd go through periods where I was
afraid to be in the house alone. Picture that: I was a grown man
practically begging people to come by my house because I was scared to
be by myself.
My self esteem was non-existent.
It didn't help that I'd stopped exercising because I was afraid to
participate in any activity that could increase my heart rate. I often
felt like a terrible trainer, considering how I was putting clients
through intense workouts, but was personally afraid to exercise. My
clients didn’t know the personal torment I was dealing with every time I
trained them. I wanted to exercise so badly but was too afraid.
I
was depressed and lonely. The only person who could relate to what I
was going through was my good friend, Daryl, because he had an anxiety
disorder as well. At the time, my only comfort was in knowing that I
wasn’t the only person who had experienced this.
What
I didn’t know was how common anxiety disorders were, nor did I know
that they were classified with other disorders such as bipolar disorder
and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Within the first six months of my diagnosis, I lost over 20 pounds.
I was never a heavy guy, so losing 20 pounds was very significant in my
appearance, especially considering that I weighed about 155 pounds at
5’7” with only 7% body fat prior to my diagnosis.
I
remember one incident specifically when my mother came to visit. We'd
planned to go out for lunch that day. I had been looking forward to
getting out of the house and getting my mind off of my issues, but
something came over me that day. Maybe it was the comfort of knowing
that my mother was there, or maybe it was my own realization that I had
enough of being a victim. Maybe it was a combination of both, but
whatever it was, I just remember sitting on the floor by my bedroom
window with my knees to my chest and my head hanging down, crying.
I wasn’t crying because of my weight loss, I was crying because at that moment, I realized my anxiety disorder had taken over every aspect of my life!
I knew then it was time to bring some order to my disorder.
The
first thing I had to realize was that I wasn’t crazy. I was made to
feel like I had some deep-rooted psychological disorder that could only
be treated with medication and by seeing a psychologist. That couldn’t
have been further from the truth!
The second
and most important thing I had to do was accept it. I had to accept the
fact that I have an anxiety disorder and that it was okay. I could still
lead a normal, productive life. I had to understand that my disorder
didn’t define me, rather I defined it. I could control the effect it has
on my life and thats what I did.
I still have
generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), but for the first time I can
honestly say that I don’t suffer from it. Having GAD has introduced me
to an entirely new way of living. It was the inspiration behind my
decision to try yoga.
Now yoga is not only a part of my lifestyle. Soon I’ll be a registered
instructor, helping others experience the many benefits of yoga.
With just a little self-realization
and some belief in yourself, you can take something that used to
control your life and turn it into something that changes your life.
Never doubt the power of your mind and don’t allow fear to consume you.
Stand up to the challenges that life may present to you and know with
complete confidence that you are able to conquer anything.
Be well!
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