原來，快樂可以學！

• 文章出處：康健雜誌106期
• 2007.09.01
• 作者 ： 張靜慧
• 圖片來源 ： 康健雜誌

好身材需要運動來鍛鍊，好心情也需要訓練。認真學習快樂的人，才能掌握快樂的密碼。

而遭遇人生瓶頸與苦難時，如何還能快樂？

佛教僧侶馬修．李卡德、前中視董事長鄭淑敏、安寧療護推手趙可式、前三總副院長朱夢麟的人生經驗，給了真誠深切的答案。

人的一生都在學習。小時候，我們學國語、英語、數學和各種才藝，長大後我們學開車、學投資理財、學如何在職場出人頭地、如何維持年輕活力、經營美滿婚姻、教養子女……。我們辛苦追求這一切、最後可能也擁有這一切，卻唯獨少了一樣東西──快樂。

所以，現在讓我們在學習清單加上「學快樂」。

快樂是什麼？著有《僧侶與哲學家》、《快樂學》的佛教僧侶馬修．李卡德（MatthieuRicard）說過一個故事，有一次他有兩個朋友在雨季來到尼泊 爾，地上一片泥濘，一個朋友嫌惡地說：「如果我掉進這髒水怎麼辦？這個國家什麼都髒！」另一個卻在泥地的磚塊上蹦蹦跳跳，笑著說：「雨季最棒的就是沒有灰 塵。」

「兩個人，兩種不同看世界的方法；60億人類，60億個世界，」馬修形容。

快樂其實是一種生活態度、一種看世界的方式，當看事情的角度不同、想法不同，引發的情緒就不同，快樂或悲傷，喜悅或憤怒，都由此而生。

「真正的快樂並非來自外在環境，而是一種內在的能力，一種我們必須學習的生存態度，」馬修．李卡德認為。

但是人們卻不習慣面對自己。馬修有位朋友在亞洲從事旅遊工作，他的客人無法忍受行程表上有一點點的空檔。他們會著急地問：「下午5點～7點真的沒活動嗎？」

「我們害怕將視線轉向自己，只好透過感官，專注在外在世界，」馬修建議，花點時間研究自己的內心世界、培養正向情緒與利他精神，「那是一個保證迷人的探索。」大腦可以改變，快樂可以學習

就像運動可以雕塑身材，心靈的訓練也可以助人消減負面情緒、增強正面情緒，變得平靜、喜悅、為他人著想；也就是說，快樂是可以培養、學習的。

「認識快樂，學習快樂的人，才能得到快樂，」德國科普作家柯萊恩（StefanKlein）在《不斷幸福論》中指出。

快樂的秘密，在腦子裡。近年研究快樂成為「顯學」，不斷有人在研究個人如何尋求快樂、國家如何為人民創造快樂。從宗教領袖達賴喇嘛到腦科學家、心理學家、哲學家都加入研究。而拜訪西藏、尼泊爾與印度，想從佛法與瑜伽找到心靈寧靜的旅人也絡繹不絕。

科學家的「快樂學」研究有以下幾個發現：

●外在因素及個人背景（如財富、教育程度、社會地位、嗜好、性別、年齡、族群等）確實會影響是否感到幸福、快樂，但所有因素加起來只佔10～15％。

●快不快樂會受遺傳的影響，的確有些人生來就有「快樂基因」。約有25％的快樂潛能由基因決定。

但基因並非宿命，後天的成長環境、經驗，會影響基因是否啟動。例如一個原本帶有「快樂基因」的孩子，在父母失和、家庭暴力或學習受挫的環境中成長，他的「快樂基因」就很難發揮。

●個人的思考方式（例如如何感受生命中的遭遇、對這些事情的反應等）對一個人快不快樂影響最大。

●成年人的腦仍有可塑性。過去科學家相信大腦在青春期結束前就已發育完全，但近年的研究發現，每當我們接觸新事物、新經驗，腦內的控制系統也會隨之改變，神經細胞會形成新的連結，以回應新的刺激。

藉由禪修、靜坐等方式培養正面情緒、豐富內心，也有助促成腦中長期且重大的改變。

美國威斯康辛大學麥迪遜分校情緒神經科學實驗室的李察．戴維森（RichardDavidson）教授，以多位有10年以上禪修經驗的禪修者為研究對象，用腦電波圖及功能性核磁共振，測試他們在各種禪定中的腦波及腦中不同區域的活動情形，結果的確「異於常人」。

例如，當禪修者進行「慈悲禪定」時，大腦左前額葉外皮區的活動量會劇增，顯示他們處在喜悅、熱情等正向情緒的狀態；禪修者的伽馬腦波（代表高頻率腦波）也有顯著增長，而禪修經驗少的人只測到少許伽馬電波活動。

實驗也發現，禪修者似乎有能力控制自己的腦部活動。戴維森也找來一般上班族加入實驗，經過3個月的禪修訓練後，他們腦中反映正面情緒的左前額葉外皮區活動量明顯增加，顯示他們變快樂了；他們對感冒疫苗的反應也比未參加禪修的對照組好。

「這似乎能夠說明，大腦可以被訓練及被改變的程度，遠超過之前想像，」戴維森表示。

達賴喇嘛也一直主張「快樂可以學習」，他認為這種訓練就像跟自己戰鬥，「必須不斷用正面思維取代負面的思考模式。經由訓練，我們就能改變，就能脫胎換骨。」不再問「為什麼是我？」

學習快樂，說來簡單，可是逆境總是三不五時來擾亂，小到生活、工作上的不如意，大到婚變、疾病、死亡，人生中的風雨總是不停歇。達賴喇嘛就曾開玩笑地說：「我們總是祝人『生日快樂』，其實我們從出生那一天就開始受苦，卻沒有人說『生日痛苦』。」

遭遇逆境，接受、面對是最好的策略。

腦神經學的研究就發現，每個人對疼痛的情緒反應都不一樣，大部份的痛感與要壓抑這個痛感的焦慮有關。如果病人對疼痛感到非常焦慮，即使最輕微的疼痛也無法忍受。

馬修．李卡德則建議用「慈悲的練習」處理情緒及病苦，心中想著：「其他人也受著同樣的苦，有的甚至更辛苦，真心希望他們能不受這樣的苦。」

因為，人以自我為中心時，會變得脆弱、無力、焦慮，但是當我們同情別人的痛苦時，無力感會變成勇氣，憂慮會變成愛，這樣自己的痛苦就不會太有壓迫感，不會再帶著恨意地問：「為什麼是我（得重病或遭遇不幸）？」逆境中的微笑更動人

接受生命中的「疼痛」，轉化痛苦為助力，反而能不再被痛苦羈絆，得到平靜、自由，活出意義。

馬修．李卡德出家前是分子生物學家，非但家世、學歷讓人羨慕，個人也多才多藝，但他卻覺得人生缺少了重要的東西，才華、成就以及榮華、美譽也不能解決根本的煩惱，於是他到喜馬拉雅山學習佛法與禪修30多年，現在他坦蕩蕩地說：「我是一個快樂的人。」

他也樂於分享經驗，幫助別人變快樂。8月他出版《快樂學》，並將於9月14日來台演講傳授心法。

前中視董事長、文建會主委鄭淑敏從小脊椎受傷，近年經歷離婚衝擊，藉由瑜伽的修練，她身心的苦痛都得到救贖，甚至更自我挑戰，得到國際著名的Jivamukti瑜伽師資認證。

台灣安寧療護推手、成大護理系教授趙可式去年發現罹患乳癌，但她竟說：「得了癌症心裡真是充滿感恩。」因為她終於能親身體會病人的痛苦，實踐過去告訴病人的話：「人生不要有遺憾。」

最近幾個月她在南投閉關，完成寫書心願，8月初出版《醫師與生死》，還有3本書正加緊寫作中。「寫完後，如果上帝隨時要收我回去，我都沒有遺憾，」她說。

前三總副院長朱夢麟罹患罕見的神經內分泌癌，「癌症讓我整個思維邏輯全都改變了，」他說，過去出國都是為了開會，現在他會趁治療的空檔和家人去旅行，留下美好回憶。

他也常懷感謝心。「我只能把握當下，明天睡醒了，還能夠做事、吃飯、走路、上廁所，都滿心感恩，痛苦自然就會降低。」

苦難是一種祝福，只不過戴著不好看的面具，在逆境中修鍊出的智慧與喜樂，更珍貴、更動人。學快樂，有方法釋放你的負面情緒

憤怒、仇恨是快樂的敵人，在邁向快樂的路上，最關鍵的就是學習消減憤怒的方法：

●回想一次自己非常生氣的經驗，當憤怒生起時，把專注力放在憤怒本身，而不是放在令你憤怒的對象上。繼續觀察憤怒，它會漸漸在你眼下揮發。

●如果憤怒仍持續，這是因為你的心不斷被帶回憤怒的對象上。每次想到他，心中的火苗便點燃，情緒重新燃燒，陷入惡性循環。

所以試著不要把注意力放在「目標」上，只要單純、專注地觀看情緒本身。你會發現情緒是無法自我維持的，不久就會消失。

●在日常生活中用這種方式釋放憤怒，一段時間後，你的憤怒會愈來愈少，你也會漸漸少生氣。

●用同樣的方式釋放慾望、嫉妒等其他令你痛苦的情緒。

8個覺悟，1個人幸福終老

• 文章出處：康健雜誌162期
• 2012.05.01
• 作者 ： 黃惠如
• 圖片來源 ： 天下資料

選擇一個人的生活，就是選擇一個人的責任，從這一刻起，你沒有權利迷糊，實踐這8個覺悟，才能一個人幸福到老。

有小孩和沒小孩的人在青壯年時，彷彿兩個世界。有小孩的人常常不為自己想，沒有小孩的人則是時時刻刻都在為自己想。

在為老後準備時，沒有子女的人也該如此為自己想。選擇一個人的生活，就是選擇一個人的責任，你不能缺乏先見之明，因為你只能靠自己。

打算單身、頂客到老的人要有以下8個覺悟，而有子女的人如果實踐這8個覺悟，老後生活也會很幸福。

1.不要輕言退休

「不要輕易退休，」陽明大學衛生福利研究所教授、長期照護保險籌備小組總顧問李玉春說。

只要你還活著，內心都會希望自己是有用、有貢獻的人，如果喜歡工作，沒有必要放棄工作。如果想減少工作量，也可以改用兼職、專案或志工的方式投入工作。

人生的第二或第三份職業的好處是比以前更能重拾嗜好，不需符合社會的期待，因此有更大的彈性與階段性。

延後退休，也是不得不然的選擇。因為你可能會比你想的更長壽，將省吃儉用的儲蓄花光。

若依勞保年金最高級距43900元來計算，工作愈久對退休規劃愈有利。若工作年資45年，所得替代率接近七成（生活費是退休前的七成）；但若只工作30年，所得替代率才46.5％。

2.培養興趣

雖說不要輕言退休，但人生的重心不能只有工作，尤其是單身、沒有子女的人，容易過度投入工作，一旦離開工作崗位，生活頓失重心。老年生活是要你去爬山飽覽美景，而非悶坐在家裡茫茫看電視，或被電視看。

趨勢專家大前研一認為，每個人都應該培養20種分別能在戶外、室內進行的嗜好，有些能一個人獨樂，有些和朋友一起同樂。

也許你無法像大前研一興趣如此廣泛，《錢與閒》的作者紐奧爾良商學院教授勒巴夫（Micheal LeBoeuf）建議，以下問題現在就要思考，以創造充實有趣的老年生活：

●你對什麼主題很想深入瞭解與投入？

●有什麼運動、嗜好或活動，是你想學習或精進的？

●你想去什麼地方旅遊？

●如何和別人分享你的知識、經驗，讓別人也能受惠？

●什麼事情讓你最有成就感？

3.用錢來孝順你

單身或沒有小孩的人，一人飽全家飽，不用把賺來的錢花在小孩身上，過著單身貴族或頂客族的生活，想消費犒賞自己時就消費，很容易不知不覺錢就不見了。

國際間的研究都指出，退休後所得替代率七成，也就是生活費是退休前的七成，約可感到適足。

勞委會去年底曾發表新聞稿指出，以勞退新制加勞保退休金，若以勞工年資35年，薪資3萬元，60歲退休活到平均壽命的82歲計算，所得替代率可達81.7％，也就是退休後每個月還可以領到2萬4千元。

不過勞保最高級距只有43900元，若所得愈高，所得替代率會愈失真。月薪6萬元的人若年資30年退休，所得替代率其實降至34％。

況且，勞委會的假設是每年都要調薪1％、而且勞退基金每年的報酬率要4％，但目前勞退基金操作績效不佳，報酬率才1％上下。

多數的理財專家都建議善用政府的美意，除了雇主義務提撥6％薪資之外，再自行提撥6％。

而且還是要大筆、大筆的儲蓄。沒有子女、在大學教風險管理與保險的前台北市議員許淵國謹遵家訓，「能存三塊錢，就不存兩塊九」。

你可以幫自己設定一個退休專門戶頭，每個月提撥固定比例的薪水當作儲蓄。

到底要存多少？先不要被千萬退休金的目標嚇跑，現在網路上提供許多試算程式，可以用最保守的推估試算後，若你認為法定提供的退休金，只能佔四成，波士頓大 學經濟系主任克里寇夫（Lourence J. Kotlikoff）在《世代風暴》建議，那必須自行補足其他三成，就需儲蓄目前薪水的一成至兩成，而且愈早開始愈好。

4.維持健康

不管你喜不喜歡，醫療保健都是餘生最重要的話題。每個人都應該起而行，不僅省錢，也可以改善生命，妥善運用多出來的生命。

維持健康、壓縮失能時間的規劃與實踐，從40歲就要開始，沒有人會想要餘生都纏綿病榻、和疾病搏鬥，更不願意見到失智來襲，生命尊嚴掃地。

許淵國去年靠每天慢跑減肥22公斤，因為高血壓、血糖、脂肪肝都是紅字，減肥後神清氣爽，感覺人生還有20年可以投入公益。

芬蘭活躍老化的經驗是，保持健康與體能直到非常老，壓縮臥床到死亡的時間到死前兩週。若現在就開始保養，的確做得到。

例如不抽菸、不喝酒、每日五蔬果、不過重、規律做運動、酒後不開車、定期健檢。好好照顧身體，因為還要用很久。

5.住宿舍的心理準備

每個人都要有和別人住的打算。

77歲的許阿姨退休前在貿易公司上班，先生過世後獨居20年。最近一兩年體力愈來愈差，又因富貴手無法自理三餐，「連颱風天都要撐傘出門買飯，」比較了兩家養老院，一到朱崙老人公寓參觀，當下就決定搬進來。「每次一下大雨，都好慶幸住在這裡，」她說。

住這裡，不僅有同伴，樓下也有工作人員可以聊天，遇到事情也有人可以商量，「不像以前只能對著牆壁說話。」

6.寫好遺囑、醫矚、DNR

一般人旅行前，都會確認東西帶了沒？有沒有買保險？卻沒想過萬一出了意外，願意接受什麼樣的醫療？有沒有法定代理人代替自己和醫護人員溝通？臨終前想不想被搶救？

寫好遺囑、醫囑、DNR（不施行心肺復甦術意願書），是人生最重要的企劃書，可免除家屬反目、醫護為難、自己生命尊嚴蕩然無存。

這份企劃書每個人都必須事先填寫，沒有子女可代言的人更應該交代，愈早說清楚寫明白愈好。不知如何下筆？可參考《跟親愛的說再見》（天下雜誌出版）、「搶救心跳的迷思，DNR你簽了嗎？」《康健雜誌》141期。

7.做好照顧父母的準備

《40歲好日子才開始》作者大塚壽認為，40歲該做的事是提早對「看護父母」問題做準備，與其有人犧牲自己的人生夢想照顧老人，不如交給專業。

行政院副院長江宜樺本身也是失智症家屬，以自身經驗建議，即將負擔照顧父母責任的中年人，要提前了解公部門、NGO所提供的各種資源，以免父母一生病需要人照顧時，慌了手腳。

趁著年節時全家團聚，可以藉新聞事件或戲劇影集故事，了解父母面對老病死的心意，也和兄弟姊妹討論，未來若父母失能，需要照顧時，彼此將如何分工。

8.培養「類家人」網絡

父母、兄弟姊妹和其他親人終究會有各自的人生、或先走一步，好在有親近的朋友可以滿足多數情感上的需要。

現在許多單身女性會一起學烹飪、佛朗明哥舞，或大量的揪團，都是藉由活動來深化友誼，東方線上&東上快線行銷副總監李釧如觀察。

這個世代習慣運用科技，如臉書、what’s App，更多元的聯絡管道，也讓「保持聯繫」，變得更容易。「以前和表妹大半年沒聯絡過一次，現在透過臉書知道她在關心什麼，一見面就有得聊，」李釧如說。

耶魯大學教授哈格（Pamela Haag）在她的新書《婚姻的祕密》指出，由於工時長，現在的同事變得像家人，配偶卻變得像同事。

Babyboss前總經理林梅芳每天固定時間到公司，只要晚到或缺席，同事便會打電話關心，問是不是生病了？要不要送食物到你家？需不需要陪伴看病？

跨出自己所屬的世代更有幫助。現在花一分鐘思考，除了父母和小孩，你花最多時間相處的10個人裡，有比你年紀大10歲或小10歲的嗎？

跨世代的關係可以讓生活變得有趣，年輕人受到指引，年紀大一點的人也覺得給予獨到的建議感到榮幸。

許淵國的太太是鋼琴老師，有幾個特別投緣的學生不僅常聯絡，年節也會特地來陪伴。

一位景仰舞蹈家瑪莎‧葛蘭姆的人反對《紐約時報》在訃告中寫葛蘭姆沒有直系親屬，他說「每個舞者、編舞者、音樂家，每個上過現代舞課的孩子都是她的直系親屬」。

做對６件事，不被壓力荷爾蒙打垮

• 文章出處：康健雜誌189期
• 2014.08.05
• 作者 ： 林貞岑
• 圖片來源 ： 陳德信

喝紅茶、看魚、睡前兩小時斷線、在車上擺心愛家人的照片……做點小改變就能搞定壓力荷爾蒙。

當壓力來臨，你用什麼態度面對它？以幽默出名的共和黨籍美國前總統雷根，1981年被人開槍 射傷，周遭嚴陣以待，他坐在輪椅上被推進開刀房，面對緊急生死關頭，他跟負責主刀的醫生開玩笑說，「我希望你們全是共和黨員。」自稱是民主黨員的外科醫生 莞爾：「總統先生，我們今天都是共和黨員。」當場化解緊繃氣氛。

超乎想像的，任何壓力及情緒反應如害怕、憤怒、焦慮……真正停留在我們身上的時間並不長。

引領心靈禪修風潮的比丘尼作家佩瑪‧丘卓援引腦科學家的發現，情緒從被觸發到自然結束只有90秒，但一般人碰上壓力、情緒就慌了手腳，甚至延伸各種想像， 讓壓力成為恐嚇身心的大怪獸，「就讓它走完一分半鐘的歷程，並全然開放地接納它，」她在新書《生命如此美麗：在逆境中安頓身心》提到。

面對壓力，覺察並勇敢張開雙臂挺身迎接它吧！美國哈佛大學研究發現，這種正向態度能降低25％的壓力荷爾蒙。還有哪些方法能助你一臂之力，搞定壓力荷爾蒙？

1.來份抗壓早餐

早餐只吃生菜沙拉配果汁，恐怕不夠抵擋一整天的煩人壓力。

鮪魚全麥三明治、三角飯糰搭配無糖豆漿或低糖優酪乳……，一份蛋白質、脂肪和碳水化合物均衡的豐富早餐，能讓血糖維持較長時間平穩，不會急速下降驚動腎上腺皮質醇，減少餓了就亂找東西吃的機會，避免發胖。

早餐別忘了加份深綠色蔬菜、葡萄柚或柳橙等維生素C含量高的食物，維生素C幫助製造抗壓荷爾蒙，抵抗焦慮及壓力。

實在沒時間？簡單攤開兩片吐司夾上花生醬，花生醬的單元不飽和脂肪酸能降低膽固醇、穩定血糖又有飽足感，減少壓力荷爾蒙，對心血管大有幫助。

2.下午茶，紅茶比咖啡好

習慣猛灌咖啡提神的人要小心了，因為壓力大加上咖啡因，加速刺激腎上腺分泌皮質醇。

美國奧克拉荷馬大學研究，處於中度壓力下的人，一天喝2.5～3杯咖啡，皮質醇會升高25％並持續三小時，如果喝6杯以上，皮質醇增加30％且維持一整 天。傍晚喝咖啡更是大忌，下午4點是壓力荷爾蒙分泌高峰，咖啡因推波助瀾，刺激身體分泌更多皮質醇，不僅晚上不好入睡並抑制性荷爾蒙生成，令人性趣缺缺， 建議下午4點後最好少碰咖啡。

紅茶比咖啡更適合當作下午茶主角。英國研究發現，紅茶含多酚和類黃酮能安神助眠，喝紅茶一小時後能降低皮質醇47％。

中醫認為紅茶「消食積」能助消化，對於經常腸胃功能較差的人，胃悶、脹氣可喝些熱紅茶紓緩，中醫師蔡運寧說。

3.魔力點心消除疲累 

壓力一來常讓人忘記吃飯大事，藝人胡婷婷最近出書，自爆趕稿期連續七天每天從早寫稿寫到晚，半夜三、四點才跑到超商買麵包當第一餐，穿著同樣睡衣的邋遢模樣差點把店員嚇壞。

再忙也要補充食物，即使小小輕食也能讓身體氣血充足、運轉正常。豬肝湯、香蕉、牛奶含色胺酸，能分泌令人開心的血清素，緩解壓力；抓把堅果、杏桃乾或橄欖塞嘴裡，它們維生素B群豐富，比起餅乾、珍珠奶茶更能修補疲憊身體。

適量吃點黑巧克力（可可純度75％）含豐富的鎂，能平衡情緒。尤其女性生理期鎂含量較低，容易焦躁，來顆黑巧克力正巧安撫一下。

喝碗冒熱氣的蚵仔湯或蛤蠣湯，微量元素鋅能平衡壓力荷爾蒙；深海魚油則讓大腦分泌血清素，減少焦慮的皮質醇含量。

高糖和精製碳水化合物如洋芋片是地雷食物，會讓血糖急遽變化，刺激腎上腺素。

4.創造專屬的紓壓香氣

每個人適應壓力變化的速度不同，芳香療法能喚醒身體本能對抗壓力，讓人更快適應改變，肯園香氣私塾暨Usha Veda自然療法學院芳療講師張錫宗說。

芳療以嗅覺和觸覺為主，嗅覺與情緒、記憶有關，能調整大腦與壓力荷爾蒙的連結。

撫觸、按摩則促進快樂荷爾蒙多巴胺、色胺酸分泌，美國邁阿密大學醫學院研究發現，規律按摩數週後，壓力荷爾蒙降低三分之一。

張錫宗說，個性決定了面對壓力的態度，外顯性格破口大罵、內斂性格像悶燒鍋，能夠紓緩的精油也各有不同。他根據十多年經驗，歸納出四種常見的壓力性格與精油搭配，可依照個人狀況選擇紓壓精油。

另外，藉由香氣儀式，則能創造香味與美好記憶連結，讓人一聞就放鬆。

把純精油滴2滴在手上慢慢吸聞。

辨識壓力與情緒來自何處，釐清是什麼因素困擾你。

一手放在心輪（胸口）上，另一手放在本我輪（肚臍）深深吸入。（註：脈輪出自古印度醫學，是指能量中心，位在身體中軸線上，共有七個。）

用肯定句回答自己的問題：比如「我把能力範圍內的事，做到最完美」。

以上順序可重複多做幾次。

「香氣能召喚情緒，」張錫宗解釋，香氣能讓人辨識真正的壓力源、恐懼點，就算不好的記憶、情緒，也能透過香氣重新轉化、洗牌，香氣儀式就是一種方法。

因此呼吸到好聞的氣味，深植在腦海中的快樂記憶會被喚醒，當下放鬆。

「今天的疲勞今天清」，把香氣運用在一整天的生活，是他個人不累積壓力的方式。

希望早上有滿滿元氣，出門前可以噴點清香的馬鞭草、檸檬水提振精神。方法是把精油和藥用75％酒精以1：9方式調配，對酒精過敏的人可把酒精比例調低並以開水取代。

上班時間可視狀況使用個人紓壓精油。

張錫宗身為講師常要發想教案，「等待靈感是令人焦慮的，」他會滴點迷迭香在薰香燈或桌旁紙片上，讓香氣稀釋掉緊張、害怕的情緒，「愈放鬆，靈感則會主動來找你，」他分享心得說。

或是在普通洗髮精中加兩滴迷迭香、薄荷或黑胡椒洗頭，可以幫忙找出困擾個人的壓力源、恐懼點並激活大腦，讓人更有創意靈感。

他建議睡前可塗抹倍半醇類的乳液如檀香等，幫助靜心入眠。

5.夏天紓壓，常保身心涼潤

中醫認為，壓力大造成氣血不足，這時容易受氣候影響，如夏天濕熱引起身心疲勞，連帶脾胃功能也變差。

保養腸胃的方法是別吃太甜的食物，生冷要少吃。中醫師蔡運寧提到，夏天大量消耗身體水分造成津液虧損，可用一、兩樣水果打汁，如芭樂、蘋果、奇異果、葡萄、水梨、木瓜，它們是平性水果，打成果汁能清熱生津，建議盡量在中午喝，大熱天中午最需要水分滋潤。

多補充讓身體涼潤的食物如綠豆薏仁湯，清熱利濕、白木耳蓮子湯益氣生津，蜂蜜檸檬汁酸甘化陰，能補充身體水分。

除了多吃點涼潤食物為身心降溫，蔡運寧也鼓勵多到大自然走走。「神要開朗，氣血運行才會順暢，」她說，中醫的神是指心理精神狀態，通常看到寬廣的綠色大地會讓人心曠神怡，她常相偕三五好友上山喝新茶、到農場採生菜、地瓜，四肢舒展了，心神不會鬱鬱寡歡、不再鑽牛角尖。

蘇格蘭研究也發現，多花點時間徜徉大自然裡的人，壓力荷爾蒙較一般人低。

6.睡前斷線兩小時

睡飽，是專家一致認為搞定壓力荷爾蒙的關鍵因素。

因為皮質醇跟隨太陽起伏，熬夜工作、上網，會讓皮質醇超時工作、壓力加倍。

德國研究發現，僅僅睡眠相差2小時，睡6小時的人比8小時的人皮質醇多出一半以上。更糟的是睡不夠、睡不飽會減少血清素與控制飽足的瘦體素分泌、讓人亂吃瞎吃，而且吃不飽，體重直線上升。美國國家睡眠協會建議，一天睡足7～9小時最好。

不少人晚上被叮叮咚咚的手機聲響吵到睡不著，精神科醫師楊聰財的做法很值得參考：行程滿檔的他每天晚上11點一定關上手機、電腦，上床睡覺。專家也提醒，睡前2小時要關掉電腦、手機，以免聲光干擾腦內化學物質，干擾睡眠。

Want to Be Successful? Spend More Time Staring Into Space

Christine L. Carter Ph.D. Raising Happiness

Research shows that you won't be as productive until you stop being so busy.

Posted Aug 16, 2016 

 Think about the last time and place you got a great idea, or solved a problem that had been plaguing you. Where were you? The answer is a cliché: You were probably in the shower.
Creativity doesn’t come from the bathroom, but it sure does seem highly correlated with it. What is it about the shower that leads to “aha” moments and bursts of creativity? In the shower we are simply staring into space, washing our hair on autopilot. We aren’t checking our messages or Twitter feed, or writing a report. We’re just daydreaming.
We may — mistakenly — think that nothing much is happening in our brain when we aren’t consciously doing something, certainly nothing much of importance. But our brain actually lights up like a Christmas tree when we’re daydreaming. Many brain regions become active in this situation, far more than when we are focusing.
Why?
When we daydream or relax our focus, our brain begins drawing connections between all the things that it previously didn’t see as being all that connected. Most important, the neural networks responsible for creative insight come online.
There’s a neurobiological story behind this: We have two primary attentional networks in our brain—task positive and task negative. These function like a see-saw—only one is active at a time.
When we are focused on something or using our willpower to do something, the task-positive attentional network is on. (And the task negative — mind wandering, daydreaming, “time wasting” — network is off.) We give credit to our task-positive attentional network for all the great work we do in the world. When we are focused, we write books. We build bridges. We raise children. Our culture tells us to focus because it's the only way to get anything done.
But when you’re staring out the window into space, relaxing, or driving (and not listening to the radio) and you let your mind wander, the task-negative brain becomes active. All of those neurons start making connections between things you didn’t see before, usually at an unconscious level. This is where our creative insight comes from. We can’t solve problems or do much of anything without the insights that come from that downtime. We certainly can’t fulfill our potential if we don't fill our need for creative insight without nurturing our ability to draw connections. This is why we often get our best ideas in the shower: It’s the only remaining place in the world where we let ourselves do nothing!
This explains other research that shows that conscious thinking does nothing to improve creativity or help people come up with innovative solutions to problems. For example, when researchers give people a task that requires creativity (such as instructions to come up with a list of ways to use a brick), people don’t generate longer or more creative lists if they have a few extra minutes to think before they start.
What helps is spending those extra few minutes not consciously thinking about the task by diverting the research subjects’ attention with an unrelated task. This gives the insight-generating part of the brain time to get to work making connections. Those new connections are, essentially, innovations that improve our performance on creative tasks.

Here’s what I want you to take away from this: Creative insight is at the very heart of the sweet spot, that place of power and ease where we humans hit our home runs. Nothing is easier than an “aha moment" that pops effortlessly into your awareness, and nothing is more powerful.

This means that you will not discover your sweet spot, find flow, or do your best work, without cultivating stillness in your life and without spending a good part of each day just staring into space.
That’s such a countercultural notion that many people feel guilty and anxious staring into space. We feel important and productive when we are busy, and insignificant and lazy daydreaming. But to be successful, we don’t just need to learn to tolerate stillness, we actually need to cultivate it.

What You Can Do When Your Life Has Become a Mess

Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. Fulfillment at Any Age

Coping with the things you can and can't control.

Posted Jun 21, 2016

 

Your home is in disarray, you’re behind on your bills, your In box is overflowing, and your cat is in need of a visit to the vet. There are things to be done everywhere you look, and you don’t know where to start. It seems like your life is a mess, and you don't know how to take control of it. You shouldn’t even be reading this article because you’ve got so much to do.
Fortunately, you have come to the right place: Psychology give us fantastic ways to cope with stress—and it is stress that’s causing you to feel this way. The field of stress and coping is one of the most prolific in psychology, and also one of the easiest to understand and apply to your life.
Some of the first forays into stress were conducted by the renowned physiologist Hans Selye, who defined the “General Adaptation Syndrome.” Selye proposed that we deal with stressful situations much as his lab animals did—by becoming alarmed, trying to resist, and eventually succumbing to exhaustion if the stress continues.
Unlike lab animals, humans possess “cognition,” meaning that we think about our experiences and decide whether they represent stress or not. Berkeley psychologist Richard Lazarus proposed that a situation is stressful only if we perceive it that way. A “threat” to you may be a “challenge” to someone else. You see a full inbox as presenting an insurmountable problem, but your best friend loves to tackle all of those emails in an efficient way, and even sees them as a testimonial to her importance to others.
Lazarus and his collaborator, Susan Folkman of the University of San Francisco, proposed that we deal with stress in two basic ways:

• In problem-focused coping, we directly address the threat by trying to change the situation.
• In emotion-focused coping, we try to make ourselves feel better about the threat.

Lazarus and Folkman’s research showed that there’s no one best way to cope. Whatever helps reduce your stress is the method that is best for you, although problem-focused coping is better when you can actually change a situation and emotion-focused is best when you can’t.
In the three-plus decades since these advances in defining stress and coping, hundreds of studies have further elucidated the relationships among stress, coping, and psychological well-being. University of Connecticut psychologists Kristen Riley and Crystal Park (2014) provide insight into how you can take the feeling of being overwhelmed by life’s messes and transform it into useful action that helps you turn a threat into a challenge.
According to Riley and Park, there is a third type of coping—meaning-focused coping—in which you change the way you approach a stressful situation and see it as providing you with an opportunity for growth. This is like looking for the silver lining after a relationship ends.
However, the silver lining may not always be so evident, nor may it provide you relief from the stress that's a result of feeling like your life is a mess. Riley and Park studied the possibility that by redefining a threat as a challenge, you can actually do a better job of feeling better. Instead of just refusing to open your In box (emotion-focused coping), you should see it as a challenge to your ability to tackle the task. Now you’ll confront the process more confidently, which allows you to eliminate this as a source of stress.
Riley and Park asked a sample of 284 undergraduates to complete a set of questionnaires at three time points over a three-month period to report on their reactions to the same, participant-defined, stressful event. The event they selected was prompted by the researchers to be “the worst ongoing thing you are dealing with,” or what is called a “chronic” stressor. Participants rated whether the event involved something truly serious, and whether they felt they could control the event. Outcomes included ratings by participants of their degree of stressful and depressive feelings.
The fact that the study allowed multiple assessments over time gave the researchers the chance to test a causal model in which they pitted problem-focused vs. meaning-focused coping as a way to reduce stress and depression. Riley and Park predicted that problem-focused coping would actually be better than meaning-focused coping at getting these chronic stressors to be perceived as controllable, and hence, better adjusted to by the participants. Although participants weren't able to reduce their stress entirely, by seeing themselves as able to manage the stress, participants did begin to tackle it.
The types of stresses identified by the University of Connecticut students were, as you might imagine, primarily academic in nature. Therefore, this study provides a good framework for thinking about the kind of stress that makes you feel that your life is a mess. Students have to balance their academic workload with jobs they need to help pay for school, as well as problems with roommates, parents, and other things going on in their lives. Feeling they had the resources to address their problems gave the students the energy they needed to help reduce their stress.

In your own life, redefining a “mess” as something that you can straighten out is the first step to take to make that mess more organized. Retreating into Facebook or your favorite video game won't help—although it may help you forget about things for a while. Instead, take those first steps; you’ll be able to see your mess as controllable, and one by one, its causes will go away.
Fulfillment in life doesn’t mean that things always go smoothly. Instead, when the going does get rough, see yourself in control of managing life’s messes. Eventually, your fulfillment will follow, one stress-reducing step at a time.

5 Habits Of Highly Desirable Women

by Monica ParikhJune 7, 2015 6:55 AM

Last week, I had an illuminating conversation with one of my clients, Ken. A surgeon with a thriving practice in New York City, Ken has the good looks of a Hollywood actor, and the down-to-earth charm of a Midwesterner. Unsurprisingly, people adore him.
Despite the sheer number of eligible women who find themselves smitten, Ken still finds himself yearning for what he describes as a “cool” woman.
“How do you define that?" I asked. "What would make you settle down?”
“I'd love a woman with a strong sense of herself. Someone who reads interesting books. And has strong opinions. Someone who is a little weird — a unique person. Finding someone ‘cool’ is much harder than you would imagine.”
It made me wonder: Are there certain traits that fuel desire?
I turned to my good friends Carolyn Byrne (a matrimonial attorney) and Aimee Hartstein (a relationship therapist), as they have witnessed hundreds of relationships progress from dating to marriage.
Together, we compiled the traits of certain women who seem to rack up a long line of suitors (and/or usually have a partner who is completely smitten). Below are the (uncommon) traits these enviable women share:
1. They don't rush into sex (especially not with people they don't know well).
Cool women enjoy sex, but prefer to wait if they are looking for serious commitment. Far from being constrained by “The Rules,” they understand that when introduced too soon, sex comes at a heavy price.
“Sex releases Oxytocin — the body’s love drug. Many of my female clients have sex early and the release of chemicals has them mistaking a virtual stranger for their ‘perfect match.’ This illusion typically ends in devastation,” said Aimee the marital therapist.
Cool women see dating as an opportunity to evaluate different suitors, which necessitates a certain detachment and level-headedness. By putting sex on the backburner, these women can also distinguish between men looking for a relationship versus those just looking for a good time. Cool women are in no rush to move quickly, and aren’t pressured by anyone's impatience.
2. They are passionate — about their own lives.
Cool women do not cling to or suffocate their partners. They understand that men enhance their lives, but are not their lives.
“I often wonder whether a client really needs a dissolution of their marriage or instead a dismantling of their co-dependency. People benefit from separate interests and time apart, so that they can fuel their individual aspirations and appreciate coming together again,” said Carolyn Byrne the matrimonial attorney.
Whereas many women mistakenly merge their lives with their partner’s in hopes of greater closeness, cool women understand that independence actually fuels desire. Take, for example, a girlfriend who leaves her spouse annually to mountain climb around the world. Her husband brags about her fearlessness and counts down the days until her return home.
Cool women don’t waste time gossiping or worrying about the latest carb-free diet. They are busy milking life for all it’s worth and rarely lack for a funny story based on their own experience. These women have separate careers, interests, and/or bank accounts.
3. They are emotionally stable and resilient.
Cool women are overwhelmingly agreeable and content, reserving their anger for when it’s truly necessary.
“Most of us have had a job with a demanding and nitpicking boss,” said Aimee the relationship therapist. “Although these workplaces are dreadful, many unwittingly create the same type of atmosphere at home through constant nagging, fighting and drama — especially over small slights. For a relationship to be welcoming, love, support, and appreciation must be at the forefront.”
Cool women understand that happiness emanates from within, as opposed to an external source. They create stability by tending to their emotional needs from a variety of sources, thereby lessening the pressure on their partner. They spend time with girlfriends. They take classes that fuel their passions. They exercise regularly to burn off stress. Cool women inherently understand that a balanced life equals a happier relationship.
4. They know their boundaries, and aren't afraid to communicate them.
Cool women aren’t afraid to speak up, even if it ruffles a few feathers.
A male friend once dated a woman who would clean his house after sex ... and would do so naked. When he told this story for the first time to his (now) current girlfriend, she looked him dead in the eye and said, “That’s never happening with me. So, don’t even think about it.” Guess with whom he is head over heels in love? Yup: the woman who set boundaries with him.
Doormats don’t fuel desire. Cool women are not difficult or high-maintenance, but do expect a certain standard of treatment and aren’t afraid to voice their needs. By making their boundaries known, they attract partners who are deeply respectful and courteous.
5. They don't put the cart before the horse.
In a world that overwhelmingly pressures women to conform — what to eat, how much to weigh, when to marry and have children — cool women march to the beat of their own drum. They are worried less about arriving at a certain destination, and more about their companion for the ride.
“It’s incredibly devastating to wake up mid-life and realize that your life choices do not reflect you, but were merely an effort to keep up with the expectations of friends, family and society. I have many clients going through divorce who regret not putting more forethought into their choice of partner, as it’s the greatest predictor of lifelong happiness,” said Carolyn the matrimonial attorney.
Cool girls take their relationship day by day, evaluating how their partner treats them along the way. They would rather be with the right partner than any partner.
And by the way, I reviewed this list with Ken, the eligible bachelor. He couldn’t agree more.

6 Habits All Healthy Women Share

Discovered: unexpected everyday moves that add on years (in a good way!) See how many you're already doing and what to try next.

By Jennifer Rainey Marquez 

 

 

While we love a lively debate about the latest in dietary science or the hot new workout craze, the truth is that great health isn't so complicated. It all comes down to a few simple rules. Besides exercising, eating fruits and veggies and never smoking (you already knew that, right?), here's what the healthiest women do every day.

They put themselves first
"Many women don't approach their own needs thoughtfully," says David Katz, MD, president of the American College of Lifestyle Medicine and author of Disease Proof. "They just give themselves whatever is left over"—like eating scraps off your kid's plate rather than making your own dinner, or sacrificing sleep to squeeze in an extra work report. But time for yourself should be the last thing to come off your schedule.

They're not afraid of fat
We now know that the type of fat you consume is more important than the amount. For one, low-fat diets don't seem to be any more effective than higher-fat diets at helping people lose weight. And when it comes to heart health, replacing saturated fats with refined carbs doesn't do you any favors—but replacing them with unsaturated fats can reduce heart disease risk by up to 25 percent, says a recent study from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. Aim to get most of your fat from foods rich in mono- and polyunsaturated fats (such as avocados, nuts, seeds and fatty fish), says Marjorie Nolan Cohn, RDN, spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics.

They don't drink their calories
Other than water, the only drinks worth a pour are coffee (mind the cream and sugar) and tea, along with the occasional alcoholic drink (no more than one per day), if you so desire. Even juices should be seen as a treat. That's because juicing removes most of the fruit's healthy fiber while preserving the sugar.

They use a shot of sunscreen
As in 1 ounce, enough to fill a shot glass, spread out over every exposed inch of the body. Don't forget places like your ears (the third most common spot for basal cell carcinoma, a type of skin cancer), neck, the back of your hands and—during sandal season—your toes, plus SPF lip balm.

They don't fight stress with screens
By the end of a long, harried day, the path of least resistance is often paved with wine, Häagen-Dazs and endless mind-dulling games of Candy Crush. But these types of activities offer only instant gratification—a little hit of dopamine in the brain's reward center. "Do something instead that fosters a genuine positive emotion; that's what induces feelings of calm and safety and puts the brakes on your body's stress response," says sociologist Christine Carter, PhD, senior fellow at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and author of The Sweet Spot. One of the best ways to tap into good vibes: Connect with others in person, not just via Instagram and Facebook likes.

They're strict about bedtime
Mix up your meals, your workouts, your social life—but be consistent about when you hit the sack. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day is essential to making sure you get enough shut-eye—a lack of which can, over time, increase your risk of heart disease, obesity, depression, diabetes and more. Plus, it's hard to feel productive or fend off stress and mood swings when you're yawning through the day. If you struggle with sleep, check out our great-sleep guide. And set up a relaxing bedtime routine

The Two Life-Changing Things I Learned From Having A Panic Attack

Did you know a panic attack can feel like a heart attack? I didn’t, but I do now.

08/21/2016 10:18 am ET | Updated 5 days ago 

Sara Cruz Success Mindset Coach, Motivator, Writer, Entrepreneur 

I thought I was having a heart attack.
I was home alone. My husband was shipped out on a deployment, and as I sunk to the floor in pain, I wondered how long it would be before someone found my dead body.
I was desperately trying to breathe, but with every gasp, my chest got tighter and tighter. The whole room was spinning. My body was tingling, and all I could do was lay there ― helpless.
I was 32. I had never heard of anyone having a heart attack at 32. From my physicals I was in good health, so what was happening to me?
Everything was in slow motion, and it was like a scene from a movie… I was physically there, but it felt as if I were watching what was happening.
Thankfully, slowly the room stopped spinning, the tingling began to disappear, and my lungs opened up. I watched my chest rise and fall as I began to breathe more easily, and I thanked God that it apparently wasn’t my time yet.  I immediately called the doctor and went in that day.
Did you know a panic attack can feel like a heart attack?
I didn’t, but I do now.
I had experienced a full-blown panic attack.
As I started to cry in the doctor’s office, wondering, “How could this happen? What is wrong with me?” The doctor started asking questions.  It only took a few questions, and her diagnosis was jaw-dropping.
Cause: Stress, anxiety and overwhelm.
I had literally brought this on myself.  It was my own doing and my own creation.
Her prescription… Re-evaluate my life.  Re-evaluate my schedule.  Rest more. Do less.
I was angry.  That wasn’t possible.  I demanded an alternative… a pill…something, but her answer never changed.
When I got home I cried out of frustration.  I had no idea how to rest more and do less.  I was going to school full time, working a full-time job, running a business part time, and handling life on my own with a husband on deployment.
As I swam in my puddle of tears… I realized something.
I had to change.  It was non-negotiable.  My health and life were at risk.
But how?
I spent a couple of days and analyzed everything about my life and the schedule I had created. There were two main reasons I discovered caused my panic attack. Once I identified them, I got to work changing them, and years later… I haven’t looked back.

1. Over-Committing: SayingYes When It Should Be No

At that time I had committed to work full time, school full time, my business and life. When I actually scheduled all that out, that wasn’t the problem. I actually could make that work.  It was everything else. Everything I said yes to.  At that point in my life I don’t think no was a part of my vocabulary.
Can you pick up an extra shift? Yes. Can you do extra work on this project? Yes.  Can you attend the clean-up of the community center on Saturday?  Yes.  Can you take me here?  Yes.  Can you pick this up for me?  Yes.
I actually had time for what I needed to do, but I didn’t have time with all of my over-commitments from always saying YES.
I was the poster child of a people-pleaser.  I wanted to make everyone happy.  I wanted everyone to like me, but what was that costing me? My health!
I shifted my thinking and decided that if it weren’t an absolute yes, and I mean something that felt really good, then it was a no.
I started having more time to eat, to sleep and to relax.  I performed well at work, received straight As in college, and all of my life responsibilities got accomplished.  People still liked me, and I didn’t lose any friends by adding no to my vocabulary.  What a liberating realization for me.
Years later, if it not an absolute yes, it is still a no.

2. Lack Of Self-Care

By over-committing I had stopped taking care of myself.  I barely ate most days, if I ate at all.  I slept maybe four hours a night if I was lucky.  I stopped reading for enjoyment.  I stopped taking walks on the beach.  I stopped working out.  Everything I used to do for my well-being, I’d stopped completely and replaced with something else.  No wonder my health declined!
I began to make time for me.  I started eating, sleeping, and doing activities that rejuvenated my mind, body, and soul.  The reality of the true value of self-care came to light, and I realized I actually had more energy when I gave time to myself.  I was able to accomplish more and give more when I made time to fuel my mind, body, and soul.
I created new and non-negotiable daily self-care habits.  These included journaling, meditating, eating healthy, sleeping, and spending time outdoors daily.  All of these are mandatory in my life now, and no matter what is going on, I give to myself daily.
It has been over two years since my panic attack, and I never imagined how different my life would be.  Those moments on the floor with my body giving up was a blessing.
I am happy, healthy and more accomplished that ever before.  I am still a driven person.  I am still the woman who has big dreams and is always working toward something more, but now I don’t over-commit and I take care of myself.
You are important.  Your physical and emotional health matters.  If it’s not an absolute yes, it’s a no, and taking care of yourself is a requirement.  Your life depends on it.
I would love to hear from you.  How do you take care of yourself?  Share with us in the comments!

How You'll Finally End Up With the Right Partner

Tina Gilbertson LPC, DCC Constructive Wallowing

Expert advice to stop repeating mistakes and get your needs met.

Posted Oct 26, 2015 

 Cynthia (not her real name) sits across from me in therapy, crying over Marty, her most recent boyfriend. He broke up with her out of the blue, and we’re sorting through the pieces.
“He wasn’t affectionate, never gave me compliments,” she sobs. “But I really thought he loved me.”
Even though she and Marty had been having problems, Cynthia thought he might be "The One." It wasn’t the first time. She sighs heavily in frustration, “Why do I always end up with guys who don't stick around?”
It’s a good question, and there’s likely an answer in Cynthia’s past that she can address in the present to protect her future.
The Repetition Compulsion
We tend to seek out relationships that remind us of ones that disappointed us in the past, and try for a second chance at making it work. Freud called it the repetition compulsion, and in order for this to work, we need to find a situation or person similar enough to remind us, often subconsciously, of the first one. The hope is to get it right this time, to receive the love, respect or visibility we didn’t get before, and change the ending to a happy one. But unmet emotional needs keep us chained in old habits—and the hoped-for perfect do-over becomes a perfect replay of disappointment.
The Need for Safety
The needs we all have as children—food, shelter, clothing, safety, affection and belonging—don’t go away when we become adults. We still need all of those things, and we look for them in our relationships. But our ability to get those needs met depends on how well they were met in the first place.
Let’s say your need for physical safety was met early in your life; you never felt unsafe in your home. You now carry that sense of safety with you, and you feel essentially safe as you go about your day—that is, until something suddenly feels dangerous. There’s a contrast between the safety you normally feel and the lack of safety you experience when danger is present. Since you know what safety feels like, alarm bells go off when a situation starts to feel unsafe. Your continuing need for safety motivates you to remove yourself as quickly as you can from the situation.
On the other hand, if your need for safety was never adequately met, you don’t know what it feels like to be truly safe. A dangerous situation may not cause alarm bells to ring because there’s not enough of a change (from feeling safe to feeling unsafe) to trigger that alarm. You might end up in harm’s way more often than someone who enjoys a sense of safety.
Unmet Emotional Needs
The same holds true for other needs, like emotional visibility, appreciation, and respect. If those needs have never been adequately met for you, you won’t have the radar to avoid people who will fail you in those areas. You won’t see the red flags at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, such relationships might even be attractive because they’re familiar enough to appeal to that repetition compulsion. You might unconsciously think, "Maybe this time, I can get some affection out of this non-affectionate person. I can have my happy ending."

Until unmet emotional needs become conscious, unsatisfying relationship patterns tend to continue.
Be Your Own Loving Partner First
The next time a relationship begins to cause you chronic emotional pain, focus on your own heart. Don’t think about your partner, and what he or she is doing wrong and what they need to do to give you what you need. Instead, put words to your feelings: “I’m feeling lonely/abandoned/worthless/unlovable.” Concentrate on the emotions inside you, not the other person. Allow yourself to cry if you feel like it. Speak kindly and softly to yourself while you do it. Say things like, “I’m so sorry for you,” or, “I’m here with you, it’s okay to let it out.”
If you feel angry, ask yourself what is underneath the anger, fueling it. It is probably a more vulnerable emotion such as sadness or fear. Let yourself experience that: There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. The more attention you pay to your emotions, and the longer you sit with them, the more you’ll be able to resolve them and help yourself heal.
Along the way you’ll get plenty of practice with self-compassion, which will create a contrast when you don’t receive compassion from others. You’ll learn to avoid those who don’t treat you as well as you now treat yourself.
Unmet emotional needs don’t have to seal your fate. You can start to meet your own needs right this minute, and begin a new cycle of positive relationships.

How To Overcome Your Social Anxiety

Simple strategies to help tame your debilitating worrying.

By Barbara Markway for Fix.com August 23, 2016

 

Most of us can relate to feeling anxious before a big speech, a job interview, or a first date. But for some, the experience is much more than butterflies in the stomach.

If you worry a great deal about what others think of you, you have social anxiety. You might be uncomfortable returning items to a store or ordering pizza over the phone. You might avoid social gatherings. You may have few or no close friends. Perhaps you’ve turned down job promotions because you feared needing to make presentations. Maybe you even use alcohol or drugs to feel more comfortable in social situations.

When social anxiety ramps up to this point—where you’re living your life based on fear—it’s morphed into what’s termed "social anxiety disorder."

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, social anxiety disorder is characterized by an extreme fear of judgment and scrutiny in social and performance situations. It’s a serious, real, and treatable disorder. According to the ADAA, about 15 million American adults struggle with social anxiety disorder, making it one of the most common psychiatric disorders, second only to depression.

Source: Fix.com

Signs and Symptoms

The symptoms of social anxiety disorder fall into three categories: mental, physical, and behavioral. People with social anxiety are plagued by negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves. With the fear of possible rejection or disapproval being foremost in their minds, they scan their surroundings for any signs that confirm their negative expectations.

Physical symptoms most commonly include blushing, sweating, and shaking. Full-blown panic attacks, in which a rush of physical sensations bombards them all at once, are not uncommon.

Finally, people with social anxiety may go to great lengths to avoid the situations they fear.

Source: Fix.com

Do you have a problem?

Because we all have some degree of social anxiety, how do you know whether you have a problem? Start with these questions:

Do you feel extremely uncomfortable in social situations?

Do you consistently avoid social situations?

Are you self-conscious and believe everyone is watching you?

Do you constantly worry about what you do and say?

Do you worry a great deal about doing something embarrassing?

Do you worry for weeks before the dreaded situation?

Do you critically analyze your own performance after the situation?

The more of these questions you answer “yes” to, the more likely it is you have social anxiety disorder.

Source: Fix.com

Positive Thinking Versus Realistic Thinking

When feeling anxious, you’re likely to give yourself a pep talk and say things like, “Don’t worry. It’s no big deal.” Similarly, other people may tell you to “think positive.” Although well meaning, this advice is not particularly useful. What’s needed is not positive thinking but realistic thinking.

Two types of unrealistic thinking contribute to social anxiety. First of all, you may overestimate how likely it is that something bad will occur. Second, you may exaggerate how bad it would be if the feared thing actually did happen.

Let’s look at an example in which Jennifer is worried about an upcoming business lunch she will be attending. She may have anxious thoughts running through her head such as: What if I don’t have anything in common with the other people there? What if there are awkward silences?

What could be a calming, realistic way for Jennifer to think about the lunch? Jennifer realizes that she may or may not have much in common with the other people there, but she at least does “OK” at these meetings. Even if she does not have much to offer, she can always ask people questions about themselves to show an interest in them. And even if there are some awkward silences, it’s not the end of the world. She can focus on trying to be helpful to the other attendees, to meet their needs. That’s what they are likely to remember.

What can you do?

Source: Fix.com

But what if you feel out of control physically—rapid heartbeat, trembling and clammy hands, perhaps even some dizziness? These sensations can be so unnerving.

When you are anxious, you tend to breathe in a shallow and rapid manner. This can cause you to feel dizzy and short of breath. With practice, though, you can change this.

While sitting or lying down, place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Take a deep breath and try to have your belly move more than your chest. Feel your belly rise as your lungs fill with air. Once you are able to do this, you have succeeded with the first step in learning belly breathing. Next practice breathing in slowly to a count of four and exhaling slowly to a count of four. Practice breathing with this steady rhythm, in and out. Notice how you feel more relaxed. Practice this several times a day for a few minutes at a time.

Belly breathing allows your body to calm down. With practice, belly breathing will help you be more relaxed, and no one will even know you are doing it.

When things make you anxious, you may find may find yourself developing a pattern of avoidance. For example, if you hate having to stand in front of a group to do any kind of presentation, you may not take a job that required this. Avoidance may temporarily help you feel better, but you never learn how to overcome the fear.

Most people find that gradually confronting their fears, one small step at a time, is what helps the most. For example, John hated any type of public speaking. When his therapist asked what first step he might be able to take, even though it still made him anxious, he thought he could ask one question in a meeting at work. There was a specific question he had regarding a new project a team was working on, and he planned what he would ask.

He was quite nervous ahead of time and practiced his belly breathing. He also used realistic thinking by reminding himself that he had a legitimate question and that others in the meeting likely would focus on the answer to the question rather than on him. He felt considerable relief when he was able to follow through. Over time, he gradually became more open to talking in front of the group.

Even if you do everything suggested here, you may still struggle. Sometimes it seems that the more we “fight” our anxiety, the more it fights back. Keep in mind though, you are not a “failure” if you feel anxious—you are human.

This article was originally published by Fix.com.

The 100-Percent Rule: The Simple Advice That Changed My Life

August 16, 2016 |

By Susie Moore

 

I have a friend who quit eating sugar two years ago. When we go out to eat, I almost always get dessert. “Will you have a bite?” I ask, testing her. “No thanks!” She always responds with ease and indifference. Must be so hard for her to turn down a beignet every single time—right?
Wrong.
Put simply, it's far too easy to waste our time, money, and energy by not committing wholeheartedly to something important to us. We intend to start blogging (for real this time), but keep getting distracted. We spend way too much money on clothes when we try to cut down on online shopping.
But it's our well-meaning "99-percent effort" that is exhausting. It consumes energy without producing results. It’s stressful. It makes us feel like a failure when we’re not—we just haven’t fully committed to something. Putting 99-percent effort into things that matter in life means we are constantly falling short of our potential—and feeling bad about it.

The 100-Percent Rule

When I was at a conference earlier this year, I heard a statement I knew would change my business. I later realized it would also change my entire life.
The statement? Ninety-nine percent is hard—100 percent is easy. Or as Jack Canfield, the best-selling author of The Success Principles, puts it (in slightly more aggressive terms): "99 percent is a b*tch. 100 percent is a breeze." Take a moment to let that sink in.
Then consider the following individuals: my sister, who is a strict vegan; my neighbor, a six-time New York Times-best-selling author; and a comedian who publishes a new YouTube video every week without fail. No exceptions or breaks or excuses.
Is it hard? Maybe when they first got started. But now my sister knows exactly which foods to buy, where, and how to cook them. The author writes every single day, not just when he feels inspired. The YouTuber is constantly learning new skills, researching, and developing new routines, each one better than the last.
If something is tugging at you and has been over time, you’ve probably been "99-percenting" it too long. Here's how to finally give it your all.

1. Identify exactly what needs 100 percent of your attention.

Your writing? Your photography? A side-hustle idea that has been percolating for a while but requires action? A habit you need to quit altogether—online shopping, drinking soda, even seeing a certain toxic person?
Not everything in your life needs 100-percent effort. But your heart always knows what truly does. You don’t have to go crazy and commit to a million projects or banish everything fun from your life. Your "100 percent" right now is probably just one thing. What is it?

2. Put in the effort.

Commit to writing for one hour per day, seven days per week. Pinpoint exactly how to make your first sale for your side hustle (you can do it)! Delete your online shopping accounts, throw out the soda, or end that relationship once and for all. And don’t look back.
For me, I came to realize that my "100 percent" was finishing my book. I had been going at it 99 percent for two years, and after hearing this advice, I finally finished it—in just two months. It wasn’t easy, but it was easier than thinking about my book on the subway, on vacation, when cooking, and when out with friends. Now it’s complete.

When I shifted gears to 100 percent, there were no decisions to make. It was write or die!

Ninety-nine-percenting was so much harder. It weighed on me daily. It was heavier than the actual task at hand. The decision fatigue was killing me: "Should I write or go out?" "Should I write or go grocery shopping?" "Should I write or call a friend?" When I shifted gears to 100 percent, there were no decisions to make. It was write or die!

3. Repeat (again and again).

True happiness is the joy we experience when we move toward our potential. The beautiful part is when we apply the 100-percent rule to a task at hand, we complete it. A project gets wrapped. A once-hopeful intention becomes a habit. A goal is met.
It then frees up adequate mental space for the next priority to become clear, since we’re not plagued by guilt about other multiple half-assed projects. And when we give 100 percent, other not-as-important stuff falls away in the meantime: It’s an awesome perk to an already pretty-awesome rule.
 

Why do some people succeed over others? Because they commit completely to something. If you know anyone who is self-made and grew their wealth over time, you know they are not half-assed about their investment strategy. If someone writes best-selling book after best-selling book, you know they're not sitting down to write every so often, or whenever they feel like it. If you know someone who's built up a loyal YouTube following, you know they're continually making the effort to put out new, unique content.
It’s called commitment.
Susie Moore is Greatist’s life coach columnist and a confidence coach in New York City. Her new book, What If It Does Work Out?, is available on Amazon now. Sign up for free weekly wellness tips on her website and check back every Tuesday for her latest No Regrets column!

別讓今天的不愉快陪你入睡！８招讓你「更快樂」

• 文章出處：康健雜誌170期
• 2013.01.01
• 作者 ： 林芝安
• 圖片來源 ： 周書羽

WHO發出警告，21世紀憂鬱症就像黑死病，即將成為全球危機；2012年，台灣人選出來的年度關鍵字是「憂」，求助精神科的台灣民眾超過220萬人，憂鬱、焦慮等常見的精神疾病，盛行率從11.5%升到23.8%，每4人就有1人受精神疾病折磨。

不論大環境如何，設法讓自己快樂些，讓心理更健康，可避免大腦功能不穩定引發精神疾病。

維持心理健康很簡單，只要天天做到以下8個招數，身體自然會分泌可讓情緒變好的血清素、可提高專注力和活力的多巴胺、可提高當下應變能力的正腎上腺素、可讓自己冷靜下來的腦內啡；此外，還可抑制具破壞性的壓力荷爾蒙－可體松，如果體內長期堆疊可體松，會干擾記憶力、免疫力，引起心臟血管疾病或腸胃問題，一旦累積到臨界點，很可能因此崩潰，引發嚴重精神疾病，精神科醫師楊聰財提醒。

1.每天有「三能」：能笑、能動、能睡

●能笑

每天開懷大笑20分鐘，不僅能按摩內臟、刺激體內分泌腦嗎啡，讓心情放鬆，笑的過程會動到橫隔膜進而拍打到腸胃道，讓排便更順暢，身體更輕盈舒暢。

嘉義榮民醫院精神部醫師黃敏偉印象深刻的是，國外有所謂「三米微笑理論」，前方三公尺處看到鄰居、同事時就主動微笑，自己與對方整天都很開心，因為效果良好，美國知名連鎖沃瑪（Wal-mart）超市也開始推行，讓顧客感受到更好的服務，「心理健康應該變成全民運動，在生活中推行。」

●能動

常常聽到人們說「要活就要動」，這不僅能保持好身材，還可保養腦部，「避免用盡廢退，」這是前腦中風醫學會理事長許重義保養心腦的祕訣，能走就不要坐、能爬樓梯就不要搭電梯，讓自己經常保持在「動」的狀態。

●能睡

在潮州小鎮當眼科醫師的莊聰吉認為只要天天常動，自然就能睡。他早起固定到公園打2個小時網球，有樓梯絕不搭電梯，睡前再陪妻子快走操場10圈，讓自己汗流浹背後沖個熱水澡，躺在床上，很快就進入夢鄉，「走出戶外，大自然的陽光是遠離憂鬱不可或缺的一環，」他投報自述。

2.說出心事

只要發現自己不太對勁，怪怪的，最好能找好朋友或家人傾訴，即使亂聊一通也沒關係，總比悶在心裡好。當發現找親友這招也失效時，不妨試著找心理諮商專家談話，有助於整理自己內心雜亂無序的念頭。

3.唱歌

很多人應該有這個經驗，情緒低落時會躲在浴室傷心掉淚。試試看，讓浴室變成快樂的泉源，淋浴時趁著流水嘩嘩隨興唱歌，不要管歌聲是否優美，大聲唱出來，你會發現，梗在喉頭的情緒糾結，很奇妙地化開了。

4.每天做腹式呼吸

經常深呼吸可幫助心安定下來，也是精神科醫師引導個案放鬆身心的重要技巧。楊聰財建議每天做80次腹式呼吸，可分四段，每段20次，採鼻子吸氣、嘴巴吐氣 的方式；吐氣時，想像正把內在的不快樂一點一點地吐出去，吐到盡頭；吸氣時，彷彿把外在陽光空氣美好的正面能量深深吸進來，身體充滿朝氣。

5.寫快樂日記

別讓當天的不愉快陪你入睡。睡前回想今天讓自己開心的事，至少1〜3件，寫下來，會逐漸發現自己的心愈來愈有力量。

精神科醫師楊明仁滿懷理想開設精神復健中心，卻因年年虧損，在理想與現實之間拔河，不免為錢苦惱煩心，他每天晚上寫日記，寫下今天哪些事做得還不錯，哪些事還能更好，持續至今五年多，他認為這是讓身心更添力量的好法子。

沒時間寫日記的人，睡前可以多禱告，感謝上蒼讓自己有機會與能力做成今天的事，想想明天的挑戰，哪些是自己能做的，哪些是自己無法控制的，就交給上天去煩惱，告訴自己不擔心，有盡力就好。

6.遇到不如意時，轉個念頭吧

每天難免有看不順眼、不順己心的事情發生，讓想法轉個彎，就可累積一點小平靜、小快樂，例如有些人臨老而悲傷，畫家奚淞卻自在看待：「我65歲拿到敬老卡後搭公車、捷運有優待，更可輕鬆看遍這個城市，多好呀。」

即使生病也可換個想法過日子。作家蔣勳緊急動心導管手術後（編按：蔣勳：因病得福，體悟肉身最重要的功課），必須展開漫長復健，這位美學大師跟所有病人一樣身貼測量心跳的貼片走跑步機、踩單車，身體不聽使喚、狼狽不堪，聽到其他病友抱怨復健辛苦，他卻體悟生死，病後才知身體需要什麼，「這是最大的福氣，」他有所感。

7.做利他的事

「自利，快樂不會長久；利他才能得到真正恆久的快樂，」經常開懷大笑的西藏精神領袖達賴喇嘛認為，慈悲心能帶來真正的快樂，他鼓勵眾生像母親奮不顧身照顧子女的心情去幫助別人，快樂自然湧現。

106歲的新加坡國寶許哲也是一例，她長年熱心公益，省錢過日，47歲學習護理，68歲創辦養老院，90歲仍持續行善，活動力十足，常說自己每天都在喜悅中。

8.不只做身體檢查，還要做心腦檢查

台大精神科教授胡海國建議人人定期做精神健康自我測驗，發現狀況不佳時就要及早求助。為了推廣身心健康，他發願在全台灣各社區村里發展三萬個據點，鼓勵人人每天善用壓力、心腦操練，「至少要做到三個態度：當下氣靜而不亂、當日充實而不忙、當生關懷而不惑」，讓自己在生活中培養對壓力和困境的耐受性，淬煉出更具彈性與調適能力的自我，這位被後輩稱為「快樂的行腳僧」微笑說著。

◎自我測驗：３分鐘知道你的腦功能健不健康

精神功能是腦的生理表現，多保養頭腦，避免產生壓力反應，可預防精神及心理調適功能出問題，胡海國教授建議定期自我評量，發現狀況不佳時，要及早求助。

① 一個月來，覺得自己每天日常生活的起居有規律。

② 最近這一個月，每天晚上能定時上床睡覺。

③ 這個月來，每天早上醒來覺得精神飽滿，感覺到活力充沛。

④ 最近一個月來，每天的日常生活中都有安排一段放鬆時間。

⑤ 這一個月來，覺得自己每天皆能認真做事。

⑥ 最近一個月來，覺得自己每天會關心到別人。

⑦ 最近一個月來，每天均感受到自己過得有價值，有意義。

⑧ 這一個月來，每天臨睡前都覺得自己過得很充實。

⑨ 最近一個月來，有參與各種社交活動，例如親友或同事聚餐、聚會、聽演講、郊遊、爬山、逛百貨公司、教會、廟會活動等。

⑩ 這一個月來，有機會和親友同事聊天，分享生活點滴、談新聞、聊工作、家事等。

／計分方式

一直有：5分

經常有：4分

偶爾有：3分

很少有：2分

都沒有：1分

／計算總得分請ｘ２，結果如下：

● 80分以上：恭喜你，腦功能良好

● 60～80分：尚可，繼續維持並多一些努力

● 60分以下：有待加強，重新審視並安排工作和生活吧

（資料來源：精神健康基金會）

The One False Belief Holding You Back

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Posted Aug 08, 2016 

 This summer I was in one of those tourist traps that sell insipid signs like, “I’m on Lake Time” or “Love You More.”  They also had one I’ve never seen before, and it has stuck with me ever since. It said, “Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone.”
Damn right.
The one false belief holding you back is that you think that your past determines who you are. If that were true, no one would ever overcome adversity, benefit from a second chance, or improve themselves through education, self-discipline, or perseverance.
Your past actions, good and bad, can be judged by you and by others. You can learn from your errors as well as your successes. Others can think what they will, but neither your reflections on your past nor others’ opinions of you determine who you are now or in the future.
Believing that your past defines who you are is a toxic fallacy. Consider a circus elephant chained by one leg to a stake in the ground: Why doesn’t the elephant just pull the stake loose and wander away? Because it couldn’t do so when it was young. And so the adult elephant is still restrained—not by the chain, but by its past, or rather, the learned associations from its past (Chain around leg means “can’t walk”).
Cognitive dissonance is the culprit that motivates us to maintain the belief that what we were in the past is all that we ever will be. Leon Festinger originated the concept back in the 1950s. He also proposed the principle of cognitive consistency—that is, that we seek to maintain mental and emotional balance by thinking and acting in compliance with who we think we are. And who do we think we are? The same person we have always been. And so when we attempt to think and act differently, cognitive dissonance sets in.
Here’s the trick— metacognition. That simply means being able to observe one’s own thinking and feelings objectively and unemotionally, so that one can assess what may be “pushing our buttons.” If you want to change but experience cognitive dissonance in the process, metacognition can help you identify dissonance as a normal but unhelpful reaction. With effort you can then master the dissonance and proceed with the changes you want to make, until those changes become the new normal.
Are you chained to the past? If so, that chain exists only in your mind. You can remember and reflect on the past without being defined and limited by it.
What’s stopping you? Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

5 Reasons Singles Should Stop Worrying

Deborah Carr Ph.D. Bouncing Back

... and to stop listening to those who make you feel frantic.

Posted Jun 04, 2016 

 On a recent cross-country flight, I settled into my seat with an icy Diet Coke and a stack of academic papers to read. But I never read those papers. The two women seated next to me, strangers when they boarded, instantly became close confidants, sharing (loudly) with each other the harrowing and juicy details of their love lives. One woman was an uber-confident 24-year-old who channeled Taylor Swift’s style and eyewear, and boasted about the dozens of dates she had in recent months, thanks to Tinder and other dating apps. The other woman was a vivacious full-figured 35-year-old who'd had a few heartbreaks in her past, but was optimistic about the potential dates who graced her iPhone screen.
But as their lively conversation progressed, their disappointment and even hopelessness became palpable: “Why didn’t he text back? I thought we had a great first date?” “I thought we were a couple, but then my best friend told me his profile said he was single and searching.” “I can’t believe he was married.”
These laments are nothing new. Generations of women and men have suffered rejection, self-doubt, profound sadness, and a shattered sense of reality when a would-be suitor ended things abruptly or slipped silently away without a proper goodbye.
My heart ached for these women, whose feelings of worth and happiness were so tightly tied to two questions: “Why doesn’t he like me?” and “Will I ever get married?” Both women had successful careers, close friends, and loving families. But their sense of self was tied to having a romantic partner. Why, in 2016, when the U.S. stands a good chance of electing its first female president, and women have achieved unprecedented success in everything from business to entertainment to sports to academia, does women’s happiness still heavily depend on their relationship status?
This phenomenon is not new. Cultural touchstones from Sex in the City to The Heidi Chronicles to the 1940s film Woman of the Year portray the emotional travails of women who “have it all”—except a successful relationship. And it’s not just women. The desire for a kind and loving life partner tops the list of men’s dreams as well (although they may not talk about it as openly as women do).
As our plane descended, the two new friends exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch. I quietly deplaned after four hours of silent eavesdropping, although I wished I could have been a source of hope to these young women. This is what I would have told them:
1. Don’t worry; odds are that you will find a life partner.
Marriage was once near-universal in the United States, with more than 90 percent of people marrying. Those rates have dropped steeply in recent years, but trend data can be deceptive. Although the proportion of persons ages 25 to 34 who are married has plummeted, that doesn’t mean that they are alone for life. Rising numbers of Americans are postponing marriage until their 40s or 50s, while others are living with a romantic partner, although they may not legalize the relationship. When this more expansive definition is used, the odds of partnership are in your favor. Demographers project that roughly three-quarters of Millennials and Generation Xers will ultimately marry by age 40, with higher rates for college grads yet lower rates for African Americans.
2. What we look for in a partner changes as we get older, and that’s a good thing.
There are many reasons to look forward to middle age. One is that our dating preferences and strategies change. Sure, dating becomes harder, especially for women, as the ratio of available men to women diminishes. And the sad truth is that in our looks-obsessed society, slimmer women and taller men have an easier time on the dating market than heavier women and shorter men. The good news is that the traits we look for change as we age, as we focus more on substance and less on fleeting factors like looks or money.
One of my airplane seatmates talked animatedly about a new romantic prospect who was tall with a muscular swimmer’s build, and sparkling blue eyes that shined through his hipster frames. No doubt, two 20-something men sitting a few rows back were having a similar conversation about a potential date’s flawless figure. This emphasis on a muscular physique, runway-ready body, or flawless skin tone becomes far less important with each passing year, and traits like good humor, kindness, and compatibility become more important. This may be particularly reassuring for would-be daters whose best assets may not shine through in profile photo.

Advertisement

3. Love is not a meritocracy.
Well-intended friends often say to single people, “It’s a shame that someone as smart and attractive as you is alone.” This implies that people need a special trait or qualification in order to attract a love interest—and that if we’re alone, we must be doing something wrong. But that message is unhealthy and unproductive. The search for a partner isn’t the same as a search for the "perfect" car or a job, although dating apps may make it feel that way. We’re searching for a whole person, not a bundle of desirable traits.
If you don’t believe me, ask a long-married grandparent or older neighbor what they love most about their spouse. The answer likely isn’t “She earns a good living,” or “He has great pecs." People with long and happy marriages emphasize shared values and interests, humor, and just “getting” each other—quirks and all.
4. Marriage isn’t a cure-all.
There are many reasons to get married. Marriage provides important legal and financial benefits. But while common wisdom holds that marriage makes our lives uniformly better, research shows that’s not always the case. A good relationship makes life better. People with close and loving romantic relationships report better mental and physical health, and have longer lives than those with strained or conflicted partnerships. But a bad marriage is worse for us than no marriage at all. A surprisingly high proportion of married people say that they would not marry their partner, if they had to make the decision over again. Other studies show that a sizable portion of married persons are lonely, meaning that their emotional needs are unfulfilled. Having a friend or family member as a confidante, or one person who you trust and can share your private thoughts with can provide many of the emotional benefits offered by a good marriage.
5. Being single has its rewards.
Being alone has its benefits. Sociologists have documented that a growing number of people are single by choice, and relish the opportunity to live as they please. Being alone gives people the autonomy to choose where to live, what to watch on TV, and what to eat for dinner. Being single often means we have fewer social obligations and can pursue hobbies and adventures that we can’t if we're married. Being single isn’t for everyone, but a growing number of adults stay single for longer than ever before, and use these years to pursue career goals and take risks that they might not have were they married. And people who stay single for life are often just as happy as peers who marry. They learn to arrange their lives so that they are surrounded by the friends, activities, and physical environments that enhance their daily happiness.