Our experts clue you in.
By Catherine Newman
How many times have you thought to yourself, “Am I still expected to do that?” (Fun fact: Emily Post’s Etiquette
guide has been updated 18 times since its initial release in 1922.) If
you haven’t refreshed your social conventions from what mom taught you,
now might be a good time. Real Simple’s Modern Manners columnist Catherine Newman, etiquette expert and author of the parenting memoir Waiting for Birdy, brings you up to date on six of the most common questions.
My supervisor and his wife have invited me and several of my colleagues over for dinner. I am lactose-intolerant, but I do not want them to plan the dinner around my dietary limitations. I feel that this would be a burden on them, and I don't want to draw attention to myself unnecessarily. That being said, I also don't want to upset my hostess by not eating the entire meal. How should I handle this? — K.L.
Being a dinner guest is challenging for anyone with special dietary needs, whether due to a physical condition (like gluten sensitivity, a nut allergy, or lactose intolerance) or a lifestyle choice (such as being a vegetarian). You're right to seek some happy gastronomic ground between demanding a special meal in advance and divulging your restrictions only after you've declined what they're serving.
I would suggest that you simply be honest. Either call or e-mail your hostess with a version of what you've said above: "I wanted you to know that I can't eat dairy—but please don't design the meal around me. I'm just looking forward to being in your company, and I don't want you to be offended if I can't eat everything." Chances are good that they'll decide to accommodate you. And if they're gracious about it, as they should be? You won't even feel as if they've gone to any special trouble.
I am baffled by who is supposed to stand when someone new enters the room. Does it matter whether it's a man or a woman? And does your gender affect whether you stand or stay seated? — J.A.
Etiquette once dictated that a man stood up when a woman entered the room. You won't be surprised to learn that I find this sort of gender-based rule outdated and stale. However, what's still fresh (and in perennially short supply) is old-fashioned enthusiastic courtesy.
Worry less about formal conventions, especially since manners experts today are divided over when and whether to practice them. Instead, endeavor to show people of either gender that they matter to you. This will usually mean rising to be introduced to a new person, to greet someone you haven't encountered in a while, or to acknowledge an older person. But feel free to ad-lib. If you're stuck behind the table at a restaurant, for example, you can substitute a hearty hello for an awkward stumble to your feet. When it comes to greetings—and, really, to all human interaction—attentive kindness is what matters most.
As a senior citizen, I'm perplexed by the tendency of younger men to eat at a restaurant with their caps on their heads, often turned backwards. I was taught to never wear a hat during a meal. What is acceptable etiquette today? — K. S.
Indeed, times have changed. Fifty years ago, a man would no sooner have worn a hat at the table than shoes into the shower, and doing so would have been an etiquette transgression of the highest order. (Women, whose hats were understood to be decorative rather than functional, were exempt from this mandate.) Now, however, it is culturally acceptable to keep one's hat on at a casual restaurant, such as a diner or a coffee shop. I say culturally rather than officially, because Emily Post agrees with you that men should remove their hats at mealtimes. Like it or not, though, standards are evolving. The odd backwards baseball cap is not intended as a sign of disrespect and, assuming the wearer is not at the Four Seasons or a house of worship, you might even take it as an innocuous style preference rather than an impropriety. Of course, please continue to remove your own hat. There are surely likeminded diners who appreciate this.
Is it acceptable for a woman to put on lipstick at the table after a meal in a restaurant? Or should she excuse herself and go to the ladies' room? — A.J.
Lipstick at the table is slightly paradoxical. It's vanity that compels you to apply it in the first place, and it's vanity that gives you pause about doing so in public. Regardless, this hardly constitutes a major beauty revelation. It's not as if you're getting a Botox injection or coloring your hair during the salad course. Nor is it a grooming task with a high gross-out factor, like flossing or clipping your nails. I'm inclined to agree with Emily Post, who suggests that it's fine to dab on a bit of lipstick, but only without a mirror or fanfare, and only if you're not at a super-fancy restaurant or in a business meeting. And I would add: Don't reapply lipstick only to leave a print of it on your coffee cup. Wait until the end of the meal.
While dining, is it OK to speak while chewing as long as you keep your hand in front of your mouth? This is something my mother taught me, and she has read many books on etiquette. My boyfriend argues that this behavior is not considered proper. — Name withheld upon request
Simultaneous chatting and chomping with your hand in front of your mouth seems like the worst of all worlds: a "solution" that creates a new problem without resolving the original one. You're still talking while chewing (unpleasant to see, and a choking hazard to boot), and now you're also conversing from behind a barrier, which runs counter to the process of communication.
If you absolutely must speak while eating—say, you don't want a pepper mill–proffering waiter to be forced to wait while you chew and swallow—then, sure, say something brief, like "Yes, please," from behind your hand. But otherwise take smaller bites so you won't have to wait so long to make your next point.
Additionally, allot more time for your meal so that there's an opportunity to enjoy your fillet and share your stories. If you love to talk as much as my family does, then your favorite part of dinner might turn out to be after the food is eaten, when the candles are burning low and conversation can flow freely, with nothing in its way.
I grew up in a country where it is considered very rude to wear shoes inside the house. As a rule, I don't wear shoes inside my home, and I don't wish others to do so, either. I even keep a shoe rack right by the door.
However, I find that when people visit my house, they often wear their shoes inside and sometimes even ignore their kids jumping on my furniture with their shoes still on. How can I make it clear to people that I want them to take off their shoes without having to tell them directly? — H.K.
This might be hard for you to imagine, but guests who are accustomed to wearing shoes indoors might be oblivious to the visual cues that you're offering. (Why their children are jumping on your furniture—with or without shoes on—we will set aside for now.)
Contrary to your wish, the only way to make anything clear is by communicating directly, and that's what you should do. In this case, it's as simple as saying, "We don't wear shoes in the house. Would you mind taking yours off? Thank you so much." I speak from experience here, as mine is a no-shoe house as well. Every now and then, somebody has a good reason to remain shod—a bad case of plantar fasciitis, for example. But, in general, I find that people are happy to accommodate the request. So assume that your friends would much prefer an opportunity to abide by your wishes than to blunder unknowingly into an offense.
My supervisor and his wife have invited me and several of my colleagues over for dinner. I am lactose-intolerant, but I do not want them to plan the dinner around my dietary limitations. I feel that this would be a burden on them, and I don't want to draw attention to myself unnecessarily. That being said, I also don't want to upset my hostess by not eating the entire meal. How should I handle this? — K.L.
Being a dinner guest is challenging for anyone with special dietary needs, whether due to a physical condition (like gluten sensitivity, a nut allergy, or lactose intolerance) or a lifestyle choice (such as being a vegetarian). You're right to seek some happy gastronomic ground between demanding a special meal in advance and divulging your restrictions only after you've declined what they're serving.
I would suggest that you simply be honest. Either call or e-mail your hostess with a version of what you've said above: "I wanted you to know that I can't eat dairy—but please don't design the meal around me. I'm just looking forward to being in your company, and I don't want you to be offended if I can't eat everything." Chances are good that they'll decide to accommodate you. And if they're gracious about it, as they should be? You won't even feel as if they've gone to any special trouble.
I am baffled by who is supposed to stand when someone new enters the room. Does it matter whether it's a man or a woman? And does your gender affect whether you stand or stay seated? — J.A.
Etiquette once dictated that a man stood up when a woman entered the room. You won't be surprised to learn that I find this sort of gender-based rule outdated and stale. However, what's still fresh (and in perennially short supply) is old-fashioned enthusiastic courtesy.
Worry less about formal conventions, especially since manners experts today are divided over when and whether to practice them. Instead, endeavor to show people of either gender that they matter to you. This will usually mean rising to be introduced to a new person, to greet someone you haven't encountered in a while, or to acknowledge an older person. But feel free to ad-lib. If you're stuck behind the table at a restaurant, for example, you can substitute a hearty hello for an awkward stumble to your feet. When it comes to greetings—and, really, to all human interaction—attentive kindness is what matters most.
As a senior citizen, I'm perplexed by the tendency of younger men to eat at a restaurant with their caps on their heads, often turned backwards. I was taught to never wear a hat during a meal. What is acceptable etiquette today? — K. S.
Indeed, times have changed. Fifty years ago, a man would no sooner have worn a hat at the table than shoes into the shower, and doing so would have been an etiquette transgression of the highest order. (Women, whose hats were understood to be decorative rather than functional, were exempt from this mandate.) Now, however, it is culturally acceptable to keep one's hat on at a casual restaurant, such as a diner or a coffee shop. I say culturally rather than officially, because Emily Post agrees with you that men should remove their hats at mealtimes. Like it or not, though, standards are evolving. The odd backwards baseball cap is not intended as a sign of disrespect and, assuming the wearer is not at the Four Seasons or a house of worship, you might even take it as an innocuous style preference rather than an impropriety. Of course, please continue to remove your own hat. There are surely likeminded diners who appreciate this.
Is it acceptable for a woman to put on lipstick at the table after a meal in a restaurant? Or should she excuse herself and go to the ladies' room? — A.J.
Lipstick at the table is slightly paradoxical. It's vanity that compels you to apply it in the first place, and it's vanity that gives you pause about doing so in public. Regardless, this hardly constitutes a major beauty revelation. It's not as if you're getting a Botox injection or coloring your hair during the salad course. Nor is it a grooming task with a high gross-out factor, like flossing or clipping your nails. I'm inclined to agree with Emily Post, who suggests that it's fine to dab on a bit of lipstick, but only without a mirror or fanfare, and only if you're not at a super-fancy restaurant or in a business meeting. And I would add: Don't reapply lipstick only to leave a print of it on your coffee cup. Wait until the end of the meal.
While dining, is it OK to speak while chewing as long as you keep your hand in front of your mouth? This is something my mother taught me, and she has read many books on etiquette. My boyfriend argues that this behavior is not considered proper. — Name withheld upon request
Simultaneous chatting and chomping with your hand in front of your mouth seems like the worst of all worlds: a "solution" that creates a new problem without resolving the original one. You're still talking while chewing (unpleasant to see, and a choking hazard to boot), and now you're also conversing from behind a barrier, which runs counter to the process of communication.
If you absolutely must speak while eating—say, you don't want a pepper mill–proffering waiter to be forced to wait while you chew and swallow—then, sure, say something brief, like "Yes, please," from behind your hand. But otherwise take smaller bites so you won't have to wait so long to make your next point.
Additionally, allot more time for your meal so that there's an opportunity to enjoy your fillet and share your stories. If you love to talk as much as my family does, then your favorite part of dinner might turn out to be after the food is eaten, when the candles are burning low and conversation can flow freely, with nothing in its way.
I grew up in a country where it is considered very rude to wear shoes inside the house. As a rule, I don't wear shoes inside my home, and I don't wish others to do so, either. I even keep a shoe rack right by the door.
However, I find that when people visit my house, they often wear their shoes inside and sometimes even ignore their kids jumping on my furniture with their shoes still on. How can I make it clear to people that I want them to take off their shoes without having to tell them directly? — H.K.
This might be hard for you to imagine, but guests who are accustomed to wearing shoes indoors might be oblivious to the visual cues that you're offering. (Why their children are jumping on your furniture—with or without shoes on—we will set aside for now.)
Contrary to your wish, the only way to make anything clear is by communicating directly, and that's what you should do. In this case, it's as simple as saying, "We don't wear shoes in the house. Would you mind taking yours off? Thank you so much." I speak from experience here, as mine is a no-shoe house as well. Every now and then, somebody has a good reason to remain shod—a bad case of plantar fasciitis, for example. But, in general, I find that people are happy to accommodate the request. So assume that your friends would much prefer an opportunity to abide by your wishes than to blunder unknowingly into an offense.
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