Expert tips for finding love, and recognizing affection right in front of you.
We humans have a compelling need to be social. We need close
relationships in our lives and when we feel disconnected or isolated
from the people we love, the result is the troubling state we call loneliness. For some, loneliness is an occasional annoyance, but for others, it can become a painful, even debilitating condition.Fortunately, loneliness (link is external) is not inevitable. To combat it, and invite more affection and intimacy into your life, these 6 tips can help:
- Be open to intimacy. One way to encourage more
affection and intimacy from others is to express more ourselves. Yet
many people avoid doing so. We might hold back because we fear
being hurt, or because we worry that others won’t love us as much as we
love them. To combat loneliness, identify your fears and then reframe
them so that you see affection as an opportunity rather than a risk.
- Invite, rather than demand. When we want others to
be more affectionate, it may seem most straightforward to demand
it, saying, for example, “I need you to start telling me you love me
more often.” Although that tactic may be efficient, it is rarely
effective, because it fails to consider why the person is not
affectionate in the first place. A more effective alternative is to
invite and encourage intimacy in ways that feel natural to the other
person. It also helps to let the person see you being affectionate with
others.
- Acknowledge the affection you already receive. One
reason people feel lonely is that they look for intimacy only in certain
forms. They fail to recognize expressions of affection they are already
receiving. A woman may feel lonely because her husband doesn’t say “I
love you” as often as she wants, yet she may not recognize that he
expresses his love in many instrumental ways, such as by taking care of
household needs. Even if she longs for more expressive forms of
intimacy, she can combat her loneliness by acknowledging gestures of
affection that she currently overlooks.
- Nurture affection from a variety of sources. It’s
common to focus all our hopes and expectations for love on a single
target, such as a spouse, but no one person is capable of meeting all of
our social needs. While we might encourage more intimacy within a
particular relationship, we can also combat loneliness by opening
ourselves up to a wider range of close connections.
- Avoid toxic affection. Some of us may become so
hungry for companionship that we are willing to accept it even when it
comes with strings attached. Conditional love—what I call "toxic
affection"—isn’t genuine and actually inhibits true intimacy. An important part of decreasing loneliness, therefore, is refusing offers of affection that come with unwanted obligations.
- Keep your expectations optimistic but realistic. For many of us, loneliness isn’t the kind of problem we can resolve overnight. It takes sustained effort, and not every tactic will be successful. When working to develop closer, more affectionate relationships, stay optimistic and recognize that change is possible. Nonetheless, it is also important to be realistic and acknowledge when a change in strategy is warranted.
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