There are right and wrong ways to say goodbye. These are all wrong.
Post published by Peg Streep on Feb 16, 2015 in Tech Support
Yes, I know, wisdom
has it that “winners never quit and quitters never win,” but the
reality is that each of us will, over the course of our lives, have to
give up at least one thing, and most probably a number of things—such as
hopes, aspirations, goals, relationships, and jobs.
Life just happens to involve loss.
But there’s a right way to say adieu—and at least 7 distinctly wrong ways that will burn bridges to the future, leave you emotionally or psychologically stuck, or just dig the hole you’re standing in to a greater depth. Drawn from my book, Mastering the Art of Quitting, these quitting styles aren’t scientific descriptions but are meant to evoke the essence of the behavior for easy identification. So ‘fess up: Is one or more these styles yours?
1. The Slacker Quit
This is the hallmark of a person who gives quitting a bad name, and the truth is that he or she doesn’t so much quit at all, as much as he or she never starts or engages in an activity. You know the type—the one member of a team who somehow never pulls his or her weight; the dude or gal who finds out the work is more than anticipated and disappears pronto, leaving it for others to deal with; the person in the relationship who can’t be bothered to make the effort and heads for the door instead. They’re in the workplace, in the neighborhood, on the PTA and, sometimes, in our circle of friends and lovers. They’re all about big promises and no follow-through. They’re often chronic under-achievers and pipe-dreamers, content to live marginally or on your nickel. Their modus operandi? Unfinished business.
2. The OK Corral
This is the gunslinger model, full of sound and fury, with the goal of bathing the quitter in a flattering light. This kind of quitter sees him or herself as “forced” to quit—turning quitting into a noble activity, and thus pre-empting any criticism. The decision to leave is often framed in moral terms (“I discovered the bank valued its profits over its customers”) so that quitting is seen as admirable and the person leaving cedes all responsibility for the action taken. The gunslinger puts the situation into black-and-white terms (“I was right, and they were wrong," or, "I fulfilled my part of the bargain and she didn’t”), leaving no middle ground. In a divorce, the OK Corral approach guarantees a long, drawn-out process with lots of collateral damage to children and others because the gunslinger has to prove that he or she is right.
This style of quitting is imbued with emotional dishonesty, because the truth is that few gunslingers emerge from where they were any happier. (For the OK Corral in dyadic action, see the movie The War of the Roses.)
3. The Faux Quit
This behavior comes in many variations, all of them full of bluster. The person seems to be on the verge of quitting—in fact, may be very articulate about the reasons getting out is absolutely necessary—and may go through the paces by enforcing a time-out in a relationship, making new demands, setting new boundaries, and the like. But it’s all talk and no action. He or she soon beats a hasty retreat and things revert to the status quo. The Faux Quit keeps the merry-go-round spinning, as well as conflict and frustration, with no solution at hand.
Often, this behavior isn’t deliberate or thought-out but instead is a function of conflict. Torn between the comfort of staying and the pain of leaving; being unhappy but also unwilling to take a risk; being miserable in the job but liking the pay, the person will keep talking about quitting but is actually utterly paralyzed.
But the Faux Quit can also be deliberate and used as a tool of manipulation in a relationship that’s already in advanced stages of failure. The person may stop seeing a partner, or move out of the shared home, only to come back a few weeks later or even sooner, either in response to the partner’s entreaties or a “change of heart.” All this does is prolong the agony of all involved.
The Faux Quit can also turn into an incomplete quit (as can some of these other styles). What this means is that while the person has literally left a situation, job, or relationship, he or she remains emotionally and psychologically immersed and enmeshed in it. Think of a man or woman who, having ended a long-term relationship, goes on a first date and sucks the oxygen out of the room by blathering on about his or her ex, or the person who goes on an interview and does the one thing everyone knows not to do—dis the former employer. The Faux Quit guarantees that you will have real trouble moving forward.
4. The Threatening Quit
This is the stock-in-trade of manipulators and it’s usually phrased as, “I will leave if you don’t do this," where "this" can be any of number of things—to an employer, it might be extra pay or a promotion; to a lover the fulfillment of a demand. The person threatening to quit often has no real intention of leaving; it’s a ploy and a power play. Used in the workplace, it can be effective—in the short-term. Personal relationships in which there’s an imbalance of power, passive-aggressive behavior, or patterns of demand/withdrawal are often marked by the Threatening Quit.
This is highly toxic behavior.
5. The Disappearing Act
Millennials have given this type of quitting, especially when applied to dating, a new moniker, and turned it into a verb—to "ghost” or to be "ghosted.” If you’re ghosted, the person you’re dating disappears from your life by cutting off all digital communication (texting, messaging, phone calls, Facebook) without a word of explanation. Whether you call it disappearing, slinking, or ghosting, this is the coward’s brand of quitting since there’s no explanation and no confrontation. It can be used to hurt, humiliate, and punish someone—especially in a relationship of real duration—since the implication that the person being left isn’t worth the quitter’s precious time or energy.
But while the person who’s been left will recover, it’s the slinker who, in the long run, will end up with the most baggage. He or she is stuck with a coward’s face in the mirror, an inability to take responsibility, and a dearth of guts and self-knowledge. In the end, the slinker’s just desserts are built into his or her personality.
6. The Big Bang
You could also call this the “Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back” style for all of its explosive energy and lava flow of emotion. This is arguably the worst kind of quitting because while it propels you toward the exit, it leaves you with mounds of emotional and cognitive baggage. Transitioning out of this kind of quit is very, very difficult. Like the OK Corral, although for different reasons, the Big Bang makes divorce very messy and protracted because of all the stored-up, unresolved emotional issues. Often, the person quitting will want to get even or somehow win. In the corporate environment, quitting in a huff—and some managers will do what they can to provoke this response as a way of avoiding severance pay or other issues—leaves you burning bridges to your past with no clean plan forward to your future.
Unlike the Faux Quit, the Big Bang does get you out, but at great cost. Be prepared to experience bouts of remorse, periods of rumination and second-guessing, and a sense of free fall. You may also be blamed for your impetuosity. If you can possibly avoid this kind of quitting, do.
7. The Stealth Quit
This is the liar’s style of quitting, in which a person pretends to either hang in or remain committed while planning or thinking about his or her exit. Partly inspired by the onus on quitting but often motivated by wanting to look good in the eyes of others, this kind of quitter can inflict a lot of emotional damage. A good example is the spouse who goes through the paces of couples’ counseling, having decided ahead of time that nothing will keep him or her in the marriage but wanting nonetheless to be perceived as having made every effort. People who have committed adultery and profess to have given up their extramarital lovers are sometimes stealth quitters.
It’s worth noting that the Stealth Quit is only toxic in the area of relationships. In the workplace, it’s often a matter of necessity, since employers often take job-seeking amiss and you have to make sure they don’t deep-six you first.
It’s not true that winners never quit or that quitters never win. We all will find we have to quit at some point in our lives. But how we quit is of great importance. The best kind of quitting is thought through and planned, and includes setting new goals and figuring out how to achieve them. Quitting is a process, not a one-step thing, that involves managing your thoughts and emotions, being realistic about your goals, and motivating yourself to achieve them.
Life just happens to involve loss.
But there’s a right way to say adieu—and at least 7 distinctly wrong ways that will burn bridges to the future, leave you emotionally or psychologically stuck, or just dig the hole you’re standing in to a greater depth. Drawn from my book, Mastering the Art of Quitting, these quitting styles aren’t scientific descriptions but are meant to evoke the essence of the behavior for easy identification. So ‘fess up: Is one or more these styles yours?
1. The Slacker Quit
This is the hallmark of a person who gives quitting a bad name, and the truth is that he or she doesn’t so much quit at all, as much as he or she never starts or engages in an activity. You know the type—the one member of a team who somehow never pulls his or her weight; the dude or gal who finds out the work is more than anticipated and disappears pronto, leaving it for others to deal with; the person in the relationship who can’t be bothered to make the effort and heads for the door instead. They’re in the workplace, in the neighborhood, on the PTA and, sometimes, in our circle of friends and lovers. They’re all about big promises and no follow-through. They’re often chronic under-achievers and pipe-dreamers, content to live marginally or on your nickel. Their modus operandi? Unfinished business.
2. The OK Corral
This is the gunslinger model, full of sound and fury, with the goal of bathing the quitter in a flattering light. This kind of quitter sees him or herself as “forced” to quit—turning quitting into a noble activity, and thus pre-empting any criticism. The decision to leave is often framed in moral terms (“I discovered the bank valued its profits over its customers”) so that quitting is seen as admirable and the person leaving cedes all responsibility for the action taken. The gunslinger puts the situation into black-and-white terms (“I was right, and they were wrong," or, "I fulfilled my part of the bargain and she didn’t”), leaving no middle ground. In a divorce, the OK Corral approach guarantees a long, drawn-out process with lots of collateral damage to children and others because the gunslinger has to prove that he or she is right.
This style of quitting is imbued with emotional dishonesty, because the truth is that few gunslingers emerge from where they were any happier. (For the OK Corral in dyadic action, see the movie The War of the Roses.)
3. The Faux Quit
This behavior comes in many variations, all of them full of bluster. The person seems to be on the verge of quitting—in fact, may be very articulate about the reasons getting out is absolutely necessary—and may go through the paces by enforcing a time-out in a relationship, making new demands, setting new boundaries, and the like. But it’s all talk and no action. He or she soon beats a hasty retreat and things revert to the status quo. The Faux Quit keeps the merry-go-round spinning, as well as conflict and frustration, with no solution at hand.
Often, this behavior isn’t deliberate or thought-out but instead is a function of conflict. Torn between the comfort of staying and the pain of leaving; being unhappy but also unwilling to take a risk; being miserable in the job but liking the pay, the person will keep talking about quitting but is actually utterly paralyzed.
But the Faux Quit can also be deliberate and used as a tool of manipulation in a relationship that’s already in advanced stages of failure. The person may stop seeing a partner, or move out of the shared home, only to come back a few weeks later or even sooner, either in response to the partner’s entreaties or a “change of heart.” All this does is prolong the agony of all involved.
The Faux Quit can also turn into an incomplete quit (as can some of these other styles). What this means is that while the person has literally left a situation, job, or relationship, he or she remains emotionally and psychologically immersed and enmeshed in it. Think of a man or woman who, having ended a long-term relationship, goes on a first date and sucks the oxygen out of the room by blathering on about his or her ex, or the person who goes on an interview and does the one thing everyone knows not to do—dis the former employer. The Faux Quit guarantees that you will have real trouble moving forward.
4. The Threatening Quit
This is the stock-in-trade of manipulators and it’s usually phrased as, “I will leave if you don’t do this," where "this" can be any of number of things—to an employer, it might be extra pay or a promotion; to a lover the fulfillment of a demand. The person threatening to quit often has no real intention of leaving; it’s a ploy and a power play. Used in the workplace, it can be effective—in the short-term. Personal relationships in which there’s an imbalance of power, passive-aggressive behavior, or patterns of demand/withdrawal are often marked by the Threatening Quit.
This is highly toxic behavior.
5. The Disappearing Act
Millennials have given this type of quitting, especially when applied to dating, a new moniker, and turned it into a verb—to "ghost” or to be "ghosted.” If you’re ghosted, the person you’re dating disappears from your life by cutting off all digital communication (texting, messaging, phone calls, Facebook) without a word of explanation. Whether you call it disappearing, slinking, or ghosting, this is the coward’s brand of quitting since there’s no explanation and no confrontation. It can be used to hurt, humiliate, and punish someone—especially in a relationship of real duration—since the implication that the person being left isn’t worth the quitter’s precious time or energy.
But while the person who’s been left will recover, it’s the slinker who, in the long run, will end up with the most baggage. He or she is stuck with a coward’s face in the mirror, an inability to take responsibility, and a dearth of guts and self-knowledge. In the end, the slinker’s just desserts are built into his or her personality.
6. The Big Bang
You could also call this the “Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back” style for all of its explosive energy and lava flow of emotion. This is arguably the worst kind of quitting because while it propels you toward the exit, it leaves you with mounds of emotional and cognitive baggage. Transitioning out of this kind of quit is very, very difficult. Like the OK Corral, although for different reasons, the Big Bang makes divorce very messy and protracted because of all the stored-up, unresolved emotional issues. Often, the person quitting will want to get even or somehow win. In the corporate environment, quitting in a huff—and some managers will do what they can to provoke this response as a way of avoiding severance pay or other issues—leaves you burning bridges to your past with no clean plan forward to your future.
Unlike the Faux Quit, the Big Bang does get you out, but at great cost. Be prepared to experience bouts of remorse, periods of rumination and second-guessing, and a sense of free fall. You may also be blamed for your impetuosity. If you can possibly avoid this kind of quitting, do.
7. The Stealth Quit
This is the liar’s style of quitting, in which a person pretends to either hang in or remain committed while planning or thinking about his or her exit. Partly inspired by the onus on quitting but often motivated by wanting to look good in the eyes of others, this kind of quitter can inflict a lot of emotional damage. A good example is the spouse who goes through the paces of couples’ counseling, having decided ahead of time that nothing will keep him or her in the marriage but wanting nonetheless to be perceived as having made every effort. People who have committed adultery and profess to have given up their extramarital lovers are sometimes stealth quitters.
It’s worth noting that the Stealth Quit is only toxic in the area of relationships. In the workplace, it’s often a matter of necessity, since employers often take job-seeking amiss and you have to make sure they don’t deep-six you first.
It’s not true that winners never quit or that quitters never win. We all will find we have to quit at some point in our lives. But how we quit is of great importance. The best kind of quitting is thought through and planned, and includes setting new goals and figuring out how to achieve them. Quitting is a process, not a one-step thing, that involves managing your thoughts and emotions, being realistic about your goals, and motivating yourself to achieve them.
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