Emotional intelligence is a huge driver of success
When
emotional intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as
the missing link in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs
outperform those with the highest IQs 70 percent of the time. This
anomaly threw a massive wrench into the broadly held assumption that IQ
was the sole source of success.
Decades
of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical
factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The
connection is so strong that 90 percent of top performers have high
emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is the “something”
in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage
behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to
achieve positive results.
Despite the significance of EQ, its
intangible nature makes it difficult to measure and to know what to do
to improve it if you’re lacking. You can always take a scientifically
validated test, such as the one that comes with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0
book, but unfortunately, most such tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed
the data from the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order
to identify the behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What
follows are sure signs that you have a high EQ.
You have a robust emotional vocabulary.
All people experience emotions, but it is
a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Our
research shows that only 36 percent of people can do this, which is
problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which
leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs master their
emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive
vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe
themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can
pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or
“anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you
have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you
should do about it.
You’re curious about people.
It doesn’t matter if they’re introverted
or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious about
everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of
the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about
other people and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re
going to have about them.
You embrace change.
Emotionally intelligent people are flexible and are constantly
adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat
to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking
just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these
changes occur.
You know your strengths and weaknesses.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they
know what they’re good at and what they’re terrible at. They also know
who pushes their buttons and the environments (both situations and
people) that enable them to succeed. Having a high EQ means you know
your strengths and how to lean into and use them to your full advantage
while keeping your weaknesses from holding you back.
You’re a good judge of character.
Much of emotional intelligence comes down to social awareness; the
ability to read other people, know what they’re about, and understand
what they’re going through. Over time, this skill makes you an
exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to you. You know
what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even those that
lie hidden beneath the surface.
You are difficult to offend.
If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for someone
to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent
people are self-confident and open-minded, which creates a pretty thick
skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes
about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor
and degradation.
You know how to say no (to yourself and others).
Emotional intelligence means knowing how to exert self-control. You
delay gratification and avoid impulsive action. Research conducted at
the University of California, San Francisco, shows that the more
difficulty that you have saying no, the more likely you are to
experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is a major
self-control challenge for many people, but “No” is a powerful word that
you should unafraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally
intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m
not certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing
commitments and gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
You let go of mistakes.
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their
mistakes, but do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes
at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to
adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to
walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long
on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about
them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies
in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This
creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
You give and expect nothing in return.
When someone gives you something spontaneously, without expecting
anything in return, this leaves a powerful impression. For example, you
might have an interesting conversation with someone about a book, and
when you see them again a month later, you show up with the book in
hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships because
they are constantly thinking about others.
You don’t hold grudges.
The negative emotions that come with holding onto a grudge are
actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your
body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to
stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When
the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but
when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress wreaks
havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over
time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding
onto stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease.
Holding onto a grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally
intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a
grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your
health.
You neutralize toxic people.
Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most.
But high-EQ individuals control their interactions with toxic people by
keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic
person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify their own
emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They
also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find
solutions and common ground. Even when things completely derail,
emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a
grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
You don’t seek perfection.
Emotionally intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target
because they know that it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very
nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left
with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce
your effort. You end up spending time lamenting what you failed to
accomplish and should have done differently instead of moving forward,
excited about what you’ve achieved and what you will accomplish in the
future.
You appreciate what you have.
Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the
right thing to do; it also improves your mood by reducing the stress
hormone cortisol (in some cases by 23 percent). Research conducted at
the University of California, Davis, found that people who work daily to
cultivate an attitude of gratitude experience improved mood, energy,
and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels of cortisol play a
major role in this.
You disconnect.
Taking regular time off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it
helps you to keep your stress under control and to live in the moment.
When you make yourself available to your work 24/7, you expose yourself
to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing yourself offline and
even–gulp!–turning off your phone gives your body and mind a break.
Studies have shown that something as simple as an email break can lower
stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the
expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult
to enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an email with the
power to bring your thinking (read: stressing) back to work can drop
onto your phone at any moment.
You limit your caffeine intake.
Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of
adrenaline, which is the primary source of a fight-or-flight response.
The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a
faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing
you, but not so great when you’re responding to a curt email. When
caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of
stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life
ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out
of your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and
they don’t let it get the better of them.
You get enough sleep.
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing
your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you
sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling through the day’s
memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams) so that
you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that their
self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get
enough–or the right kind–of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.
You stop negative self-talk in its tracks.
The more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give
them. Most of our negative thoughts are just that–thoughts, not facts.
When it feels like something always or never happens, this is just your
brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats (inflating the frequency or
severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent people separate their
thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of negativity and
move toward a positive, new outlook.
You won’t let anyone limit your joy.
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the
opinions of other people, you are no longer the master of your own
happiness. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something
they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take
that away from them. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to
what others think, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and
you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no
matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes
from within.
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