How to Hang on to Happiness: 4 Myths and 5 Real Strategies

Why aren’t I happier—and why aren’t you?  That seems an appropriate question as we wind down one year and head toward another. After all, the Declaration of Independence guarantees us the pursuit of happiness so why aren’t we better at it?  According to recent research, it turns out that much of what we think about happiness and achieving it either isn’t true or is vastly oversimplified.  Let’s start with four myths:

• “Don’t worry, be happy”

Yes, I love the song too but it unfortunately draws on how we think of happiness and unhappiness as polar opposites, one balancing out the other.  This misunderstanding has us indulging in all kinds of “if only” thinking —that erasing one bad thing in our lives will necessarily make us instantly happy. “If only I had a better job, I’d be happy.”  “If only my relationship to my lover/spouse/parent/sibling were better, I’d be happier.” "If only I made more money, I’d be happier.” In fact, two separate behavioral systems govern our reactivity to positive and negative events in our lives so that worrying and being happy operate independently. Sorry, Mssrs. Marley and McFerrin.

• Happiness can be lasting

Actually, the very opposite is true. The fancy name for this is “hedonic adaptation” or the “hedonic treadmill.”  As explained by Daniel Gilbert in his book Stumbling on Happiness, human beings get used to the changes in their lives that originally made them happy. You know how you’re positive that one thing—a promotion or a new job, a new house, a new relationship, a Jaguar or a Chanel bag—will make you happy?  Well, it will for a time but then you’ll get used to whatever it is and so, in a matter of time, the promotion just becomes your job, your lover is lovely but familiar, the Jag becomes the car in the driveway, and so on.
 Add in the fact that human beings are notoriously lousy at predicting what will make them happy (thanks again to Daniel Gilbert) and it’s not hard to see why hanging on to happiness isn’t easy.

• You control how happy you are

I know that no less an authority than Abraham Lincoln supposedly said “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  The fact is that a piece of the happiness pie is in your control and a piece isn’t.    If you’ve read the work of Sonja Lyubomirsky, you already know about the “Happiness Set Point” but, if you haven’t, pull up a chair.
About 40% of anyone’s happiness is governed by the “happiness set point” which is both genetically determined.  Your temperament and personality are a part of the set point.  About 10% of the set point has to do with circumstances—although, anecdotally at least, most of us focus on our circumstances when we think about being happier (see the “only if” scenarios above), Circumstances include gender, life events, job, security, and income. Part of the small effect circumstances have on happiness has to do with hedonic adaptation.
Now, the good news. Some 40% of happiness is attributable to intentional activity—what people do for themselves. The real problem is that most of us aren’t focusing on either the right things or approaches that might make us happier.

• Counting your blessings will make you happier

This is a big and very popular trope because it’s so positive and spiritual, and there are doubtless millions of magnets stuck to fridges all over America exhorting us to tally up and be happy. It sounds great and pretty easy but the science on whether counting your blessings actually works is a very mixed bag. In fact, the grand-Daddy of these studies, conducted by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough yielded inconsistent results when comparing the “gratitude” outlook with the control group. The preponderance of studies show that gratitude doesn’t help at all, in fact; in fairness, there are only two that show that people’s sense of well-being was increased.
So what to do? Fall on your happiness sword and give it up? Are there ways of making yourself happier than you are at this very second? It turns out there are 
1.  Work on maximizing your happiness
When I was a kid, I was struck by how differently people ate yummy things like Oreos and ice cream cones, and it seemed to be that there were two distinct and separate camps. There were the “eat it right away” folks—you know who you are!—who would just pop that Oreo right into their mouths or take a huge bite out of the ice cream.  Then there were others —I’m personally in this camp—who approached the cookie and the cone very differently The Oreo was eaten by taking one side off, eating it slowly, then licking out the icing, and finishing it off by eating the rest.  The ice cream cone was slowly licked, leaving the sugar cone (and the ice cream at the very bottom) for last.
The psychological term for maximizing is “savoring,” and the studies are revelatory. One, conducted by Jordi Quidbach and Elizabeth Dunn suggests that an abundance of something pleasurable may make it harder to savor it. They used chocolate in their studies (of course!) and found that participants in the study who gave up chocolate for a week were made happier by eating it than those who were given unlimited access to it or those in the control condition who just continued to eat their usual allotment of the candy. Making the good things in your life more of a “treat” or a rarity may actually make you happier for longer.
2. Realize that less is more when it comes to material things
I say this as someone who loves her things as much as the next person but it turns out that when it comes to being made happy by things that cost money —be they possessions or vacations or other satisfying experiences—the very fact that you can get them actually cuts down on your ability to savor them. According to studies conducted by Fred Bryant, the playing field isn’t precisely level when it comes to being able to savor; some of us are better at it than others. If you can answer “yes” to the following questions, the chances are that you’re good at savoring: Do you get pleasure out of looking forward? Can you enjoy something before it happens? Do you find it easy to hang on to a good feeling? Do you store up happy memories so you can revisit them? But if, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable anticipating things, find it hard to get excited ahead of time, don’t like looking back or tend to feel disappointed when you reminisce, you’re not very good at savoring.
3. Take action to be happier 
This part takes a bit of self-knowledge and reflection because the action or goal has to be suited to your talents and abilities. If I were to embark on taking ballet lessons as a way of making myself happier, for example, I can guarantee that my happiness would decrease and my unhappiness would increase. Setting impossible or unattainable goals for yourself won’t increase your sense of well-being one iota.
My own take-away lesson—based on the research I did for my new book, Mastering the Art of Quitting—is that much of the work you need to do to make yourself happier has to do with reflecting on and knowing what you should be persisting at and what you need to quit and let go of. Know yourself intimately and you’re more likely to be happy.  If you’re an extrovert, then being an artist alone in a studio all day long will not make you happy, no matter how much you love making art. And while the goal of getting in better shape is a terrific one, if you’re inclined both not to follow through and beat yourself up about it, that’s not going to make you happier either.  Set goals that are attainable; break them down into baby steps, if you need to. Fitting your talents to your goals is also key to achieving “flow.”
4. Take a leaf from the George Bailey Playbook
Yes, I’m referring to the movie It’s A Wonderful Life, that movie played incessantly during the holiday season. But it’s also the title of a terrific research paper that is both jazzy and completely counterintuitive. The researchers Mink Yung Koo, Sara Agoe, Timothy Wilson, and Daniel Gilbert (the latter two are gurus on the subject of happiness) asked a simple question: Was it how people thought about a positive event that mattered?  In other words, what if, instead of counting your blessings, you subtracted them? (Which is what the angel shows George in the movie.)  Guess what?  For example, in their fourth study which examined romantic relationships (and all the participants were in relationships they considered satisfying), they had participants either write about how they met, how they started dating and the like or write about how they might not have met or ended up together. It’s the second—the exercise of subtraction—that yielded the increase in positive affect.
So, if you want to feel happier about someone or something in your life, journal or think about your life without that person or that experience.
 5. Work on managing your negative emotions
While positive and negative affect are governed by different behavioral systems, there’s no question that being on a more even emotional keel will actually make your happiness last longer, especially if you’re given to ruminating or worrying.  As suggested by the work of Ethan Kross, Ozlem Auduk, and Walter Mischel, a winning strategy requires two steps to help you manage the fallout from a bad experience.  First, you have to step away, choosing a distanced perspective, almost as if you are seeing the experience happen to someone else in your mind’s eye.  (Many of us tend to “relive” the experience, which only immerses us in it again, and inevitably stirs up the same negative emotions.)  Then, instead of focusing on “what” you were feeling —which, again, thrusts you back into the moment and is likely to make you re-experience the anger, frustration, hurt or whatever emotion you felt initially—you need to focus on “why” you were feeling it.  In combination with the distanced perspective, this is a more analytical and hence “cooler” (as opposed to emotionally “hot”) response.
Understanding why—“Because my spouse/lover/friend dismissed my feelings,” “Because I was tired of being told to ‘get over it’" and the like—takes us into heart of our feelings and helps us deal with them.
 6. Focus on getting into "Flow" 
I’m drawing on the work of Mihalyi Czikszentimihalyi here, as articulated in his book, Flow, which asserts that deep involvement and connection are the way into enjoyment and happiness.  “Flow” is what a writer feels when the work is going well, when a runner hits his or her stride, when an artist knows that the sketch just finished is the sketchbut flow can be experienced by anyone in any line of work or any activity.
Czikszentimihalyi delineates elements that characterize flow, among them—and this is important—doing something for which you are well-suited (in other words, your gifts and talents are equal to the challenges of the activity), that the activity provide immediate feedback (you can see that you are making progress or that what you’re doing is good), and that you get so involved as to be able to remove yourself from the worries and frustrations of life.  Choosing your activities with flow in mind will increase your sense of well-being.
There is much in the digital age that removes us from flow, especially the constant interruption of texts, messages, and email.  I notice it in my own life and I wonder about people who, faced with constant distraction at work, may actually have jobs that should put them in flow but don’t experience it anyway.  Happiness and enjoyment, according to this research at least, require immersion.
So, do what you can to hang on to happiness, at this time of year or any other!

ABC相处之道

人相处久了，总会起摩擦。

空调的办工室，在不算大的地方，A一张桌子紧连着我的桌子。

彼此对坐。

A长得高头大码，而胖的人体味多多少少都好重。

尤其是他把手提起来的时候，那种难闻的体味，都会随着空调漂到我的鼻孔里。

从小家教妈妈教导说：“说人身体臭，以后就会自己身体臭。”

所以都不敢在人前当面说人有体臭。

可是，不说自己却要受苦。

那种人体味，尤其难闻。

还有A手持一智慧型手机，老爱流连各网站。

一下传来吵吵闹闹的音乐，一下又大声传来讲话声。

大概是因为人长的大只，听的歌也都属摇滚型。

因为你根本想像不到大只佬听优雅的钢琴演奏曲吧。

所以有时候当我投入作一件事时，总会被那突然而来的吵杂声音乐声给赫一大跳。

天天见面的人，不好说，只得不当一回事。

任他吧。

8 Destructive thinking patterns and how to change them

It can be extremely difficult to focus on the good when, seemingly, bad things are happening in your life. However you can train your mind to focus on the good things in your life rather than dwelling on the bad. No it’s not one of those positive thinking articles that you’ve read all over the web and are sick and tired of. This is about changing the way you think, changing your thinking pattern. Do you use any of these thinking patterns in your day to day life?
8 destructive patterns of thinking

1. ‘Life is shit’ Thinking pattern –Everything in life is bad, everybody is not to be trusted and nothing good will ever happen to them e.g. “I won’t get that job, the interviewer didn’t like me, I didn’t particularly like them anyway.”
2. ‘Unsubstantiated conclusive’ Thinking pattern– You tend to make a lot of conclusions without any evidence to back up your conclusions. This can be a really destructive pattern as it can limit you in seeing reality for what it is e.g. “He walks a bit funny, he must be gay.” (I actually heard someone saying this about a colleague last week).
3. ‘Never to me’ Thinking pattern – This is when you think nothing good will ever happen to you. This can be a deep seated way of thinking and it is a deep down inability to believe you are worthy of anything good happening to you e.g. “I’ll never have money, I’ve never had it before so I’ll never have it in the future, might as well carry on with this shitty job, at least it pays the mortgage.”
4. ‘The negative psychic’ Thinking pattern – Presuming you know what people are thinking about you and it’s all bad. e.g. “She thinks I’m an idiot, I’ll try to avoid talking to her.”
5. ‘Should, would, could’ Thinking pattern – This type of person knows what they have to do to change their life, they are capable and they know it and they would do it if only……… e.g. “I know I could go to university and I would, but I’m just to busy with other things right now, I’ll apply next year.”
6. ‘Emotion based’ Thinking pattern – Your emotions control what you are thinking and therefore your vision of what reality is e.g. “I feel incapable of doing that so I must be incapable”.
7. ‘It’s all my fault’ Thinking pattern – You see yourself as being the cause of everything bad that has happened e.g. “It’s my fault he left me for another woman.” You’ll notice this type of person does not take responsibility for the good things that happen.
8. ‘They’re all wrong’ Thinking pattern – You see everyone as incapable of doing anything right and your way is the best way to do it e.g. “He can’t do it right, I’ll stay late tonight and fix it when he’s gone.”

These are just some of the common thinking patterns I have come across in my life and I have used some of them myself, I used to use mix the ‘Never to me’ and ‘The negative psychic’ thinking patterns about everything, “She’ll never go out with me she thinks I’m an idiot.” I made a conscious effort to change what I believed about myself and what I believed about the world and it has literally changed my life.
How to change the destructive thinking patterns
The first stage of changing is to recognise the problem – You will find a lot of people in life who just don’t think there is a problem so there is no need to change. If this is you then do nothing. If you want to change you must think there is a need and you will start to recognise what things need to change and it usually starts with your perception of life. Everybody’s perception of life is different, therefore everyone’s reality is different. I don’t live in the same world as you and you don’t live in the same world as me. That might sound a strange concept to some people, but think about it for a few minutes, it could change the way you see the world. I’ll give you an example:
In 2004 I took a redundancy package from my place of employment and received about £10,000 for my troubles, not a lot at all when I was earning £25,000 a year when I left. I was speaking to my friend about it and he thought I was absolutely nuts to do it, especially since I was married with two children. I explained to him how free I felt and what plans I had to start an online book dealing business and my wife was right behind me. He still thought I was crazy. My perception of the world was one of opportunity, life was great and I was free from the rat race for a while and I would get to see my wife and children a lot more than I had, I was ecstatic and if it didn’t work out I had a lot of skills to offer another employer. My friends perception was one of doom and gloom, he needed the security of a full time job even though he hated it and was working 12 hours per day. It turns out I worked at it for 1 year made a good profit but gave it up due to a huge downturn in business. At the end of it I was still optimistic as I knew I was good enough to get another job until I could do something else.
Everybody’s view of the world is different and it all comes down to the thinking patterns you use in your daily life. If you think life is wonderful you will notice the wonderful things in your life, if you think life is shit you will find shit things about life. Change your thoughts and you literally change the world you are living in. First you have to recognise your destructive thinking pattern.
The second stage is to be aware of when you are using the destructive thinking patterns – We can employ different thinking patterns depending on what we are doing in life. For example you could use a positive thinking pattern at work as you are very confident in your ability and yet use a destructive one when it comes to looking for love. Recognising when you use destructive thinking patterns can help you to change that pattern. Now that you have recognised when you use the destructive thinking patterns it is now time to change it.
The third stage is to replace the bad with the good – This is something that you don’t do immediately. You don’t say to yourself ‘I’ll never be able to do that”, which is you old thinking pattern, to “Oh yes I can”. That won’t work. You have to let the old pattern die slowly whilst slowly introducing your new improved thinking pattern. Here an example:
You are out in a club and you want to talk to someone you are attracted to. Your thoughts are “ She’ll never talk to me, she’s gorgeous.” You will immediately recognise this pattern of thinking and tell yourself something good about yourself e.g. “I’m good at _______(FILL IN THE BLANK), it can be anything. This will not immediately help your situation but it will slowly begin to change your old destructive thinking pattern with a new one.

This stage takes place over time and is not done immediately. The best time to change a destructive thinking pattern is to let it run it’s course and slowly replace it with a thinking pattern that is better for you. I know people want a microwave life, stick it in the micro and it’s ready in 3 minutes, your life is not like that and you cannot change in 1 day, unless something drastic happens.
You can work on more than 1 destructive thinking pattern at a time.
To recap
To change your thinking pattern you have to
Recognise
Be aware
Slowly change and introduce a new thinking pattern
Keep working on all your destructive thinking patterns
Change your life with your new way of thinking
Recognising and changing your way of thinking can be a long process depending on what patterns of thinking you employ and how badly you want to change. People can change, do change and change for the rest of their lives, I know I have, so don’t be thinking you’ll never be able to change, you can and you will if you really want to.
After a few months you will see a huge difference in your life and you will want to use your new way of thinking to good effect. You will start to notice new types of people enter into your life who can help you reach the goals you have in life and in turn you will help them reach their goals, don’t worry about how just now.
Take time to think about your goals and take the time often to do this. I take time every day to think about where I want to be in life and slowly but surely it happens. Personally I find it better in the morning to really think about my goals and then again at night just before I am falling asleep. It works for me but you will have to experiment a little to find your way of thinking about your goals.

5 Tips for Changing the Way You Think

by Tom Scheve

Start the Countdown

In an ideal world, our thoughts, experiences and beliefs would remain in a continuous state of refinement and renewal. We would frequently be exposed to new and interesting people and situations, and we would constantly discover and enhance new aspects of our emotional and intellectual lives.
However, this is rarely how life progresses. For many of us, personal ruts and situational repetition are the norm. Our focus narrows to daily stressors and events outside of our control. Our careers slowly push ahead, our circle of friends holds steady or shrinks over the years, and we content ourselves with familiar forms of recreation, mental stimulation and social interaction.
Then, one day, we wake up feeling we need something … different. Perhaps we tire of dwelling on old worries or lost opportunities. Maybe we get bored of doing the same thing day after day. Or possibly we just want to see the "old" world in an entirely new way.
Whatever the reason, it's not hard to change the way we think -- but it does take some effort. What are some ways you can change the way you think? Read on to find out.

"I Will Think Differently, I Will Think Differently"

Some people believe that the best way to help yourself change the way you think is to tell yourself -- repeatedly -- to think a different way.
The idea isn't new. In fact, it's very, very old. Most religious practices involve the repetition of prayers, appeals or affirmations. Militaries across the world demand that recruits change the way they think, and use chants, cheers and oaths to help do so.
You may decide to choose a very specific mantra -- "Public speaking is fun!" -- or something a little more broad, such as "Live in the moment." As long as your mantra or affirmation isn't grounded in the status quo ("Nothing must change, nothing must change"), it may help you change the way you think.
But choosing a mantra isn't enough. It's important to take time each day to review and repeat the catchphrase, or you won't give its message time to sink in. Try to repeat it throughout the day whenever a situation presents itself that challenges you.
Next: Do differently, think differently.

Do Things Differently

Trying to change the way you think? Why not try changing the things you do? It's not easy to change your perspective on things, especially when you're doing the same old things over and over.
Even making little changes in your life can help. Pick up a new sport or activity that you've always wanted to try. Go to restaurants, parks and other gathering places that you don't normally frequent. Try out a new author or musician, see a movie screened by your local film society, attend a community potluck, volunteer at a nonprofit, or attend a religious service that is different from your own.
Are you something of a "control freak"? Farm out tasks to others and set aside your high expectations and instinct to take the project over and do it your way. If you're more of a passive person, make an effort (even if just for a day or a week) to take matters into your own hands and to be more assertive. Introverts, attempt to come out of your shells. Commit yourself to initiating and maintaining a five-minute conversation with a total stranger once a day.
By changing or breaking even small routines, your brain will be exposed to new stimuli and will create new neural pathways to accommodate changes.
You must know how you think in the first place in order to think differently, as we'll next discuss.

Work on Self-awareness

We can't think differently if we don't pay attention to the way we currently think. It isn't hard to walk through life with unchallenged or outdated beliefs, preconceptions, wrong assumptions and a personal narrative that's badly in need of updating.
Many people are afraid of acknowledging and exploring their own thoughts and emotions, choosing instead to focus on life outside their own skin -- the needs of others, career goals that have been set, and the constant static of the Information Age. Focusing on self-awareness can help you reconnect with your true needs, desires and dreams. It can make you pay attention to how you treat people and how you feel about how you're treated by others.
It may seem almost indulgent to work toward becoming more self-aware, but if so, there's nothing wrong with splurging on yourself. Increased self-awareness can facilitate major life changes -- many 12-step programs place large emphasis on personal exploration, the processing of painful events from the past, and the acknowledgment of resentments and fears in order to overcome personal demons and addictions. Identifying your moods and emotions will make it possible to adjust them. You can't change the way you think until you understand what's causing you to think the way you do.
Want to change the way you think? How about changing the people around you? Keep reading for tips on how to do that.

Meet New People

To bring new thoughts, ideas and perceptions into your life, get to know someone with a different perspective, occupation, background, culture or religion.
Why? Hanging out with like-minded people is a good way to hear constant reinforcement of your own thoughts and beliefs. This also makes it easy to fall into "groupthink" and makes it more difficult to see (or acknowledge) faults, shortcomings and falsehoods of our own.
That's not to say you need to get rid of old friends -- just spice up your life with some new ones. New friends and acquaintances increase the odds that you're introduced to new ways of thinking. You may be pleasantly surprised to have your worldview rocked a little bit by a simple conversation with somebody who views life much differently than you do. The great thing about widening your social circle is that new friends can help expand it even further by introducing you to people you might otherwise have little opportunity to meet.
You don't have to travel to exotic lands to meet new people who think differently than you do -- in fact, they're all around you. It may just be a matter of being willing to initiate conversations with people from whom you'd normally shy away.
Next: change the way you think by changing the places you think.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone

Going about your life the same way day after day, doing the same activities you've always done, and planning the next weekend to mirror the last one is a good recipe for shrinking your awareness, joy and understanding of the world.
We have a natural (and often useful) tendency to stick with the familiar in life and avoid situations that make us uncomfortable. This is a good way to stay out of sticky situations, but it's also a good way to get in a rut and stay there. Pushing yourself to embrace new activities and experiences that force you to step outside your comfort zone is a good way to change the way you think.
Perhaps it's something physically intimidating, like skydiving or bungee jumping. Maybe getting outside your comfort zone means you seek out public spaces in which you're an ethnic, cultural or religious minority. Instead of vacationing in well-worn tourist traps, try a new destination that's off the beaten path.
Now that we've gotten you on the path to seeing things a whole new way, tee the nest page for lots more articles on changing the way you think.

Anxiety Disorder and Me (2)

With anxiety disorder, it is really suffering.

Whenever I think I may be jobless end of this year, that kind of feeling anxiety always overcomes me.

My doctor told me that job life just mean a part of my life.  Not all.  Losing a job then looks for a new one.  It is really a small matter.  Unfortunately, my stone head refuse to think that way. 

The doctor said again that I need to change  the way of my thinking.  Since I always think negatively, so my mind set to be like that.  Whatever happens to me, my mind thinks negatively.  So that is  why I am suffering from anxiety disorder.

He advised me to practice it:  THINK POSITIVELY.  Just like anything else in the life,  thinking positively need some time to practice it.  I need to do mind exercise so that to have a healthy and strong mind.

Anxiety Disorder and Me

虽然明知公司关门是迟早的事。

而昨天在公司听到旁边的同事谈到12月可能是最后一个月上班的日子。

然后昨晚要睡觉前就抱受焦虑症的搅扰。

身体发热，好象有热流在身上涌流着。

吃了半颗镇定剂还是无法入睡。

再吃半颗方才能入眠。

跟姐姐讲起，姐姐说：“破工司，早关早好。”

还叫我：“先去辞职。”

已经立下打算失业时才来找工作，现在就先将就着。

当然间中也到处看看有否适合的工作机会。

读书时代就被焦虑症看上。

一直跟着我。

看过心理医生，吃过药，感觉他还是纠缠不清，难分难舍。

直到读到Claire Weekes的Self Help Method for Your Nerves。

知道所有的反应包括心悸、恐慌、身体热流、惧怕、反胃、失眠等等，都是因为

因为惧怕所带来的一连串反应。

这样的反应其实对身体伤害不大。

就在这时候的身心极为敏感，一点点的问题都会被放大放大。

好象失业，失业就再找一分工作好了。

但跟着我的焦虑却把失业这问题放大放大。

还在学习中：面对、接受、飘浮、再给自己多一点时间。

但愿有一天我对于焦虑症能够坦然相处。

Five Strategies To Help You Stop Overthinking

In a recent blog post about learning to be more spontaneous, I suggested that you don't overthink the decision to leave the house.

All well and good, a reader commented with a plaintive note to his typing--but how? How do you stop overthinking?
Good question.
At on time I might have scoffed at the very suggestion that it was possible to think too much. Thinking is good! It is wise! It is what smart people do!
Yeah, well, sometimes...
Sure, thinking things through is good. But thinking things through over and over and over until you've sunk into a rut in your brain you can't climb out of is neither productive nor healthy. There is a proven connection between rumination and depression, and another word for rumination is overthinking—it's the kind of thinking that doesn't actually move you forward. Imagine a car stuck in the mud, the wheels spinning and spinning, sinking the car ever deeper into the mire.
Stopping overthinking isn't easy, and I'm not able to do it all the time. Sometimes resisting feels too difficult and allowing my spinning brain to take control is a lot easier than trying to fight it. Sometimes giving in to overthinking feels like sinking into a comfy chair after a long, hard day. Fine. Go ahead, brain. Have your way with me.
The urge to overthink is powerful, and pushing back against it is a discipline that you have to train yourself in and practice consistently. It's directly related to mindfulness, which is so widely discussed these days it has practically been reduced to a tired buzzword, but which really is as powerful as proponents insist.
Here are a few thoughts I think to short-circuit overthinking.
Thinking. Just one word and I use it often, particularly when I'm meditating and feel my thoughts gaining traction. This is a mindfulness technique; sometimes our minds run away with us before we even know it's happening. But with practice, I can now usually feel that starting and when I do, I just note it by saying to myself "thinking," and then try to let go of the thoughts like releasing a balloon. Or, to try different imagery, sometimes overthinking feels like a runaway train and by thinking "thinking," I can derail it. (No imaginary passengers are injured in the making of this image.)
Thoughts aren't reality. I use this mantra when I'm spiraling into overthinking some sort of difficult situation, perceived slight, or self-judgment. It reminds me that just because I am thinking something doesn't make it real. For example, I fear I have offended a friend and start imagining this friend sitting around having dark thoughts about me, enumerating my many faults, and plotting to end the friendship. Just 'cause I think it don't make it real. While this friend might be annoyed and the situation might need handling, it's equally possible the friend is simply sitting at home eating an egg-salad sandwich and wondering when the next season of Mad Men starts. Thoughts aren't reality. They're just thoughts and you can choose not to torture yourself with them.
(By the way, many times when I have gone back to someone and said, "You know, I've been thinking about this thing I did and feel terrible about it," they've said, "I didn’t even notice.")
Next time I'll do [this]. Torturing yourself over something you feel you didn't handle well? Rather than chewing and chewing and chewing the memory like a bitter cud, decide how you wish you had handled it, make a plan, and vow that if the situation ever arises again, you won't be blindsided and will do better. Then try to let it go. You've squeezed the lesson out of it and there's nothing more to gain from letting it hijack your brain. Oh, and if you really did do something out of line, an apology can be remarkably soothing to a fevered mind.
I can always leave. This is good when I'm trying to decide whether I want to attend this or that event. Rather than burrowing into my brain and ruminating about all the ways I may or may not enjoy it, I tell myself that if it's not fun, I can leave. I remind myself that if I don't go, I might kick myself the next day for missing something fun, whereas if I do go and it's not fun, I can just slip out the back or make my excuses and walk away. The couch ain't goin' nowhere.
Do something. I think this, then I do something. Anything, as long as it takes my mind off whatever I'm overthinking. Distraction can be powerful.
Those are a few of my techniques and mantras. Do you have any that work for you?

Thirteen Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety

In my last post, I revealed the one essential step that must be taken before a person can ease his or her anxiety. Here it is: Make the decision to use the executive part of your brain to override your automatic anxiety. In other words, put “The Thinker” in charge. This “thinker” is also known as your prefrontal cortex (PFC), the part of you that is “The Decider.”

Why is anxiety so often our default reaction to situations? It’s because anxiety is hard-wired into our brains to help us survive. We can’t get rid of it and wouldn’t want to. We just want to calm ourselves down when there’s no need for a “flight-or-fight” response. But anxiety thinking habits are embedded deep within the brain and won’t yield without conscious work and practice.
So here are 13 small decisions, along with suggested action steps, that your conscious brain can choose to make. Try the ones you think would work for you, and heave a sigh of relief as your excess anxiety ebbs away.
1. Decide to blame your brain. No, you can’t blame everything on your brain. Your own mental habits can certainly create excess anxiety (suggestions for those are below). But anxiety also stems from your neurobiology—elevated levels or deficits of certain brain chemicals, for example, or over-activity in certain parts of the brain such as the amygdala, the danger-screening part of the brain. It may be helpful to view excess worry as a result of your automatic brain chemistry and not as a personal weakness.
Possible action step: Tell yourself, “There’s nothing really wrong. That’s just my anxious brain speaking.”

2. Decide to hold hands or get a hug from someone who cares about you. When you are highly anxious, you may find it hard to calm yourself. You may need a Significant Other to start the calming process by holding hands or cradling you in a warm embrace. A variety of studies show that holding hands and hugging can magically lower the stress response. Once you feel soothed, you will be calm enough to make use of the other techniques listed below.

Action step:  Hold hands or hug until you feel calmer. If no partner is available, consider a quick massage or the action step in Decision 3.
3. Decide to call on your invisible “circle of support.” If no one is available to be a soothing presence, you may be able to conjure up a mental photograph of your “circle of support.”  Studies suggest that thinking about the people who love and value you—family, friends, co-workers, self-help group members—can give you a sense of security that lowers your stress response.
Action steps: Write down a list of loved ones on a card that you can keep in your wallet. Take it out and read it when you’re under stress. Surround yourself with photographs of loved ones at both your office and home.
4.  Decide to make “belly breathing” a part of your day. Learn abdominal breathing (a.k.a, “belly breathing”) as a calming technique (see video below). Deep diaphragmatic breathing sends a signal to the mind that all’s right with the world. Calm the body; the mind will follow.
The decision to take a few calming breaths “is the best example of harnessing the brain... to control the body,” according to Dr. Margaret Wehrenberg. Plus, you can integrate this kind of breathing into your day, rather than setting aside a special time to practice it, as with meditation. There's always time for one deep breath—before a meeting, at stop lights, at breaks, or when you catch yourself in a needless worry loop.
Action step: When you start to feel anxious, use that feeling as a cue to take at least one deep abdominal breath. That breath will initiate the relaxation response. Not sure what belly breathing is? This short how-to video by Dr. Kevin Chen is simple, informative, and

5. Decide to relax. Readers of this blog have suggested meditation, yoga, relaxation techniques, and dishwashing. Yes, dishwashing. (Works for me!) You can also compete with your anxious thoughts by singing out loud or distracting yourself with TV, reading, talking to a friend, knitting, or any pleasurable activity.

Action step: Choose an activity that relaxes both mind and body. Take more breaks.
6. Decide to exercise. Some people are too “charged up” to relieve stress with relaxing activities. According to Wehrenberg, “For the high-energy person with a tense, anxious body, physical activities are better sources of physical relaxation than sitting still.” If  you wonder why meditation doesn’t work for you, you may find this observation reassuring.
As little as 20 minutes of exercise makes you feel less anxious and more resilient, according to this research. Aerobic exercise will deplete your “nervousness chemicals,” using up both adrenalin and cortisol, two powerful stress chemicals. Just plain moving around is also therapeutic and counters what we’ve recently learned about the negative health effects of too much sitting.
Action step: Take a 20 minute walk every day.
7. Decide to reframe your anxiety as excitement and fun. Therapist Fritz Perls used to say, “Beneath anxiety lies excitement.” Recent research found that interpreting certain stressful situations like public speaking as “exciting” rather than “scary” led to better performance. In fact, telling yourself, “I am calm,” was much less effective than “I am excited,” perhaps because giving a talk requires a certain amount of energy and enthusiasm.
Here are some “reframes” suggested by psychologist Jeremy Dean of PsyBlog: “It’s not an exam; it’s a fun little quiz. It’s not a scary presentation; it’s a little chat with a few colleagues. It’s not a job interview; it’s a chance to meet some new people.”
Action step: Tell yourself, “I’m excited!” or “This will be a fun challenge.”

8. Decide to practice thought-stopping. When you catch yourself engaged in anxiety-provoking thinking, tell yourself, “Self! Stop it!” (This wonderful phrase is from Margaret Wehrenberg.) I consider this phrase the all-purpose thought-stopper! It’s quick, effective, and humorous.

Action step: Tell yourself, “Self! Stop it!” every single time you begin ruminating over a situation. With persistence and practice, stopping anxiety in its tracks will soon become a habit.
9. After you stop anxious thoughts, decide to replace them with pre-planned calming thoughts. Thought-stopping alone is a powerful technique. But it can be even more powerful when paired with calming thoughts that you’ve prepared and written down ahead of time.   
Action step: Make a short list of soothing thoughts to bring up when you catch yourself in the throes of worry. Possible examples:

• “I’ve done the best I can. I don’t need to worry about this any more.”
• “I don’t have to be perfect. Even if something goes wrong, I can learn from my setbacks and try again.”
• “I’ve done it before; I can do it again.”

10. Tend and befriend. Rather than “fight-or-flight,” consciously choose to “tend-and-befriend.”  Anxiety and worry can lead to self-absorption. A good counter-response is to “tend”—take care of others. Think about friends and family and what might help them, especially if you know someone going through a hard time.
Action steps: Send a card or write a thank-you note. Call a friend and ask how he is.
11. Decide to make lists and plans. "Download” your worries to a list, leaving your mind free for other thoughts. Similarly, plans can free your mind from the endless drumbeat of “what ifs.”
Action step: Make a list. Then set priorities and make plans. If you start to ruminate over a situation that you’ve already planned for, tell yourself, “Stop! I’ve already made a plan!”
12. Decide to “lose your mind and come to your senses.” (Fritz Perls, again) When you catch yourself playing and re-playing hurtful scenarios in your mind, take a deep breath, and look around you. Notice the trees and sky; listen to the sounds. Remind yourself that waking up from these self-created “day-mares” is a moment of enlightenment.
Action step: Congratulate yourself every time you wake up from a useless or negative thinking pattern. Practice savoring the positive scenes in your immediate environment.
13. Consult with a professional. When anxiety is overwhelming, chronic, or interferes with daily life, consider professional treatment, suggests Margarita Tartakovsky in “Telltale Signs It’s Time to Treat Your Anxiety.” A short course of medication may calm a frazzled brain enough so it can fulfill its “Decider” role.
Action step: Make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
What do all these "small" decisions have in common? They require you to be mindful. Instead of just mindlessly giving in to the pain of anxiety and worry, you can deliberately transform a mind full of “what if” worries into a mind full of awareness, creative problem-solving, and peace.
© Meg Selig, 2014
If you enjoyed this blog, you might also like, "What is the First Step Towards Reducing Needless Anxiety?" and "Three Quick Ways to Curb Catastrophic Thinking." For more on mental health habits, willpower, and health, like me on Facebook or follow on Twitter.

Sources:
Wehrenberg, M. (2008). The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques (NY: WW Norton): “Self! Stop it!” p.104; “The decision to breathe...” p. 77
Guthrie, C. “Six Surprising Stress Fixes”
"Holding hands." See also, "Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat."
Cohen, L. The Opposite of Worry (2013). (NY: Ballantine).
Dean, J., “8 Fascinating Facts About Anxiety.” http://www.spring.org.uk/2013/10/8-fascinating-facts-about-anxiety.php
Dean, J. "Anxiety: Getting Excited Beats Trying to Calm Down"
Tartakovsky, M. “Telltale Signs It’s Time to Treat Your Anxiety”

 http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201409/bad-mood-be-gone/thirteen-small-decisions-will-ease-anxiety

争财产

鸟为食死，人为财亡。

所以人都贪财。

没有结婚的哥哥死了，根据法律，财产应该平均分给所有的兄弟姐妹。

根据这条法律，每个兄弟姐妹都认为自己是哥哥财产合法的拥有者。

如果有别人来争，兄弟姐妹都把这条法律摆出来。

争财产，每个人都争的理直气壮。

好象都觉得本来就是他们的。

一有漏洞，本来都不怎么和睦的兄弟姐妹现在反而同心一起来争。

本来就这样平均分配，照理不会有问题。

可是偏偏半路杀出来个程咬金。

因为某种技术问题，表面看就是兄弟姐妹中的大姐独吞了哥哥一片非常值钱的地皮。

还有因为时间和年龄的因素，这片地皮现在的主人是大姐的几个儿女们。

两方人马都不愿让步，各方都说：“是我们的！”

怎么办？两方都僵持着，面红耳赤。

两方都用上城中著名律师打算对簿公堂。

反正就是公说公有理，婆说婆有理。

有是一场丑陋至极的新闻。

ABC

公司已经非常小。

正式职员也只有A君B君和C我。

照理说应该人口简单，容易相处，你照顾我，我照顾你。

都说：”You scratch my back I scratch your back”。

可偏偏不是。

这一分钟A君来跟我说B君：“上班不准时、常常外出办自己的事、时时早退、周六半天常常不上班等等。。。。”

下一分钟B君来跟我说A君：“上班时间一直坐咖啡店、用公司车接送自己家里人且又要管制车油费等等。。。。”

然后当ABC都在办工室时，却不说这些，都说些有的没的。

夹在中间的我，也只是右耳听左耳出，左耳听右耳出。

也有可能A君也跟B君说：“C上班迟到，办工时间常常作自己的私事等等。。。。。”。

所以人际关系最难搞。

Have a happy day

Wishing everybody to have a happy day.

Manage Your Stress

You just swore at a guy who cut you off on the way to work. Your children have taken to calling you the Wicked Witch. You start daydreaming about cocktail hour shortly after lunch. And your mind always seems to be in a whirl. What’s your problem? In a word: stress.

You’re not alone. Nearly half of all Americans are concerned about the level of stress in their lives, according to the American Psychological Association’s 2006 Stress Survey. Chalk it up to “our overscheduled, harried 21st-century lifestyle, which can wreak havoc with our relationships and our work,” says Bruce S. McEwen, M.D., a coauthor of The End of Stress as We Know It (Joseph Henry, $20, amazon.com).

Not to mention our health. Chronic stress weakens the immune system and increases the risk for a range of illnesses, including heart disease and depression. Stress drives people to eat too much, sleep too little, skimp on exercise, and shortchange fun. It doesn’t have to be toxic; a little stress can sharpen focus, improve memory, and heighten emotions. But sometimes good stress goes bad, and researchers have just begun to figure out how. “By understanding what makes it go wrong,” says McEwen, “we have the power to make it right.”
In an ideal world, stressors such as fire alarms and demanding bosses would simply keep you out of danger and on your toes. In the real world, however, these things can make you sick. Here’s why.

The Stress Response

In its most basic form, the stress response is known as “fight or flight,” and it swings into action whenever you’re confronted with a novel or threatening situation. “If you step off the curb in front of an oncoming bus, your body reacts automatically to protect you,” says Esther M. Sternberg, M.D., author of The Balance Within: The Science Connecting Health and Emotions (Henry Holt, $16, amazon.com).

In a matter of seconds and without even thinking, you begin pumping out brain chemicals and hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart rate accelerates, oxygen-bearing red blood cells flood the bloodstream, the immune system gears up for the possibility of injury, and energy resources are diverted to your muscles, brain, heart, and lungs and away from functions, such as digestion and hunger, that can wait until the crisis has passed. Meanwhile, the brain releases a cascade of endorphins, the body’s natural opiates, to dull the pain of those potential injuries.

You’re ready for action, whether it’s a full-out battle or a hasty retreat―in this case, fleeing back onto the sidewalk to escape the speeding bus. When the danger has passed, all these systems are restored to their normal resting state. “Your stress response makes you get out of danger,” says Sternberg. “Without it, you’d be dead.”

Many of the physical changes that energize you to get out of the way of the bus are the same ones at work in more positive situations. Your heart races when you’re falling in love. Your palms grow sweaty on the first day of a new job. How do you know if it’s happiness or stress? You label what you’re feeling: Your racing heart and sweaty palms come first, and whether you perceive yourself to be excited or happy or stressed depends on your assessment of the circumstances. In other words, you’re not running because you’re scared; you’re scared because you’re running. “Our stress isn’t a result of the event but of the view we take of it,” says Ellen J. Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard University. “If the event is seen as negative, then we’ve set ourselves up to experience stress.”

Things go awry when stress persists and your body has no opportunity to return to its resting state. Escape the oncoming bus and you’re obviously out of danger. Calm returns both physiologically and emotionally. Your pulse slows, and the panic subsides. No problem. But getting back to normal is much more complicated when the source of your stress is constant and negative and when fighting or fleeing is not an option: when you’re constantly worrying about not having enough money to retire, for example, or when you’re trapped in an unfulfilling job. “The human mind is so powerful, the connections between perception and physiology so strong,” says Bruce S. McEwen, M.D., “that we can set off a stress response by just imagining ourselves in a confrontation with the boss.”

Emotional stressors such as frustration with a job or a relationship can accumulate until the fight-or-flight response is constantly ramping up. “We become overloaded,” says McEwen, who is also a professor of neuroendocrinology at Rockefeller University, in New York City. “As a result, we begin to feel tired, edgy, and rundown. Eventually this state veers toward illness.” Unless, that is, you put the brakes on from time to time. McEwen and his colleagues found that rats kept under significant stress for five weeks developed a seriously impaired immune response. But if the stress was alleviated for one week, the immune system began to bounce back.

Who Is Most at Risk?

“There’s no doubt that the physiology that fuels a chronic stress response can make us sick,” says Esther M. Sternberg, M.D. But it doesn’t “cause” heart attacks or depression in the way a virus causes the flu. How your body responds to stress depends in part on your genes. Take an autoimmune disease like rheumatoid arthritis. “There are 20 different genes on 15 different chromosomes that determine whether or not a person will get inflammatory arthritis,” says Sternberg. “If you have all 20 genes, you’ll most likely get it. If you have two, you probably won’t. If you have five, you may or may not get the disease, and the degree to which your stress response is activated could tip the balance.”

Your physiological destiny isn’t completely fixed, however. Although we’re programmed to develop in a certain way and at certain times, early stressful experiences, such as the death of a parent, can alter the way our brains develop and actually change them. “We now know that when children are exposed to a stressor early in life―perhaps even before birth―their immune and endocrine systems are affected,” says Bruce S. McEwen, M.D. As a result, those people tend to be more sensitive to stressors later in life and are more likely to suffer the health consequences.

Stress and Your Immune System

The dual nature of stress, both protective and destructive, is mirrored in the dual role of cortisol, a hormone central to fight or flight. In an emergency, a jolt of physiological chemicals, including cortisol, boosts your immune response―a good thing. Once the emergency has passed, however, it is also cortisol’s job to inform the immune system to return to normal. If too much stress keeps excess cortisol circulating for too long, your immune cells become sluggish and eventually die, leaving you open to infection.

In some people, the body is not able to produce enough cortisol. In these cases, the immune response runs amok, attacking friend and foe alike, eventually taking aim at the body’s own cells. The result can be autoimmune disease, allergies, chronic fatigue syndrome, or asthma.

Cortisol also directs where your body stores fat, planting more on the belly, where it increases your risk of diabetes and heart disease. This is especially troublesome for women, who, if not for stress, would probably deposit fat on the hips and the thighs, where it’s less harmful.

What about the flip side? If too much stress makes you sick, can minimizing stress help you heal? Maybe. A growing number of medical facilities are approaching this question through integrative programs that help patients control illnesses by controlling stress. One of the oldest is the Center for Mindfulness, at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, in Worcester. “We teach patients mindfulness practices, including mindful breathing, yoga, and meditation,” says Melissa Blacker, a codirector of professional education and training at the center. “Our research suggests that the training can be helpful for people managing conditions like psoriasis, recurrent prostate cancer, and even hot flashes.”

 

You Can Control Stress

If you feel chronically overwhelmed, try shifting your perspective. Rather than seeing stress as something on the outside pushing in, see yourself pushing it away, and consider these proven ways to get out from under its grip.

• Take Charge
  “When I ask general audiences if they can control their stress level to make it work for them, no more than half say they can,” says Esther M. Sternberg, M.D. “If I ask audiences of pilots or neurosurgeons the same question, they all say they can.” The difference is the amount of control these people believe they have over the situation. Pilots, neurosurgeons, firefighters, and others with high- pressure occupations are trained to use the stress response as a way to monitor their own behavior. When a pilot flies a plane through a storm, his heart races, his breath becomes shallow, and his attention is intensely focused on the job at hand. He experiences the physiological arousal that defines stress, but he doesn’t label the situation as stressful. He’s done this before. He knows what to expect. He’s in control.
  
  On the other hand, if you’re a passenger in the airplane cabin, you’re uncomfortable because the plane is bouncing around and you can’t do anything about it. You feel stressed. “The trick in these kinds of situations is to make yourself feel, little by little, as though you’re in control, to make an unknowable situation seem knowable,” Sternberg says. Watch the flight attendant. He has the experience to recognize how much danger the plane is in. If he looks calm (and he probably does), you’ll feel calmer.
  
  If your work schedule sets your teeth to grinding, make a list of projects you need to get done and front-load it with tasks you can accomplish quickly. As you check off accomplishments, you’ll begin to feel in control, and your stress will ease. Try scheduling daily chores so that you can attack the most difficult ones when your energy level is highest. And delegate. Not just to coworkers but also to your children, your spouse, and your friends.
• Give Yourself Time-outs
  Of course, you can’t control everything. Your child’s schedule will inevitably conflict with your work deadlines. Bad weather will flood the picnic. “We know that chronic stress has a physical impact on your body,” Esther M. Sternberg, M.D., says, but if you interrupt stressful moments with calm ones, “you can lessen that impact.” And it’s easier than you think to get positive results. If you have a series of crushing deadlines looming at work, take some R&R in between them. A weekend at the beach can restore your equilibrium. Distract yourself with something you find soothing: Cook, knit, or break out the watercolors. And if you can’t take off for the afternoon when you feel your stress rising at the office, just get out for a walk. Even a short stroll can make a difference.
   
• Reach Out, Don’t Retreat
  For women, fight or flight should probably be called “tend or befriend,” because their response to stress is less about fighting or fleeing and more about turning to family and friends, according to Shelley E. Taylor, a professor of psychology at UCLA, and her colleagues. Women have more intimate social networks than men do, and when they’re stressed, they turn to these networks for support. They’re more likely to seek out the company of other women and less likely to flee or to fight. A stress response moderated by a system such as tend or befriend, as Taylor reported in the July 2000 Psychological Review, might help explain why women live five years longer, on average, than men.
  
  So indulge in the pleasure of family and friends. Invite old pals to a women’s night out. Call your sister. Recent studies show that Americans are feeling more isolated; try to fight that situation. It may help you live longer.
• Eat Moderately and Keep Moving
  The same hormones that boost your body’s supply of available energy in fending off an impending threat also tell your brain that you need to replenish that energy once it’s used up. The result: Your cortisol-crazed psyche sends you on the prowl for all-too-fattening pizza, potato chips, and ice cream in an effort to refuel quickly. If you’re going through a stressful period, fight the urge to snack endlessly. Preferably, eat small low-carb, low-fat meals.
  
  And try to exercise regularly. Working out counteracts the unhealthy buildup of body fat and dissipates the nervous energy that often drives you to that carton of ice cream. The exercise doesn’t have to be strenuous. Walking releases endorphins that can soothe a jangled mind. And even half an hour a day can ease insomnia, which is both a symptom of stress and a stressor.
   
• Practice Mindful Relaxation
  Physiologically, relaxation is the opposite of stress. When you’re relaxed, your breathing and heart rate slow and your mind clears. Mindfulness is a way to achieve this level of relaxation using a variety of techniques, including yoga, meditation, and simple relaxation exercises. Mindfulness quiets your chattering mind by teaching you how to observe your thoughts and feelings without seeing them as positive or negative. It trains you to use your breathing and an awareness of your body to focus on the here and now.
  
  The basic relaxation response was first described in 1975 by Harvard Medical School researcher Herbert Benson. His approach has two steps: First, close your eyes and focus on your breath (that’s the foundation). Second, choose a phrase, a word, or a prayer and repeat it to stay in the moment and be mindful. “I use two phrases,” says Bernadette Johnson, director of integrative medicine at Greenwich Hospital, in Connecticut. “‘I’m breathing in relaxation and peace’ when I inhale. ‘I’m breathing out tension and anxiety’ on the exhale.”
  
  Ideally, you’d begin and end your day with 10 to 20 minutes of regular relaxation exercise. But should you find your tension rising during the day, “take a deep breath, hold it for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four,” Johnson says. “That’s what we call a mini, and if it’s built on a foundation of regular, longer relaxation exercises, you can tap into it whenever you need it.”
  
  If a thought or an emotion intrudes on your mindfulness and threatens to take you out of the moment, observe it but don’t react to it. Think of it as a leaf floating by on a slow-moving stream.
  
   Why did I snap at my husband?
  Inhale. Let it glide on by.
   I’m so afraid I’m not going to finish that report in time.
  Exhale. Ah, another leaf in the swirling current.
   I’m so stressed-out.
  Inhale. Not anymore.