6 Simple Ways to Become a Happier Person Today

June 12, 2015 | By Catherine DiBenedetto

You can actually choose to feel happier every day—that’s the simple premise behind the new Mayo Clinic Handbook for Happiness ($16, amazon.com). It’s the work of Amit Sood, MD, chair of the Mind-Body Medicine Initiative at Mayo, who has devoted his career to learning how we can live with less stress and more joy. His conclusion: Happiness is a habit that you can build over time. Here are six ways you can start today, as outlined in Dr. Sood’s book.

Think charitably about others

Often when we meet someone new, we unconsciously size her up: We focus on physical details (what she’s wearing, how attractive she is) and assess possible threats (she dresses better than you, she’s prettier than you). But every time you do that, Dr. Sood writes, “you deplete yourself of vital energy.” Instead, remind yourself that this person is inevitably dealing with the unique challenges of her life, whatever they might be, and send her a silent blessing: I wish you well. Happiness starts with kindness, he explains, because when you treat others generously, you naturally feel better yourself.

RELATED: Eat Your Way to Health and Happiness

Accept your transience

Dr. Sood has known several terminal patients who were the happiest they’d ever been in their last six months: “Each entire day became a flow experience,” he writes. The truth is, we all have limited time (an average of 28,740 days, to be precise), and by 2115, almost everyone alive now will be gone. But that shouldn’t be a depressing thought: “When you recognize that you are a transient traveler on this planet, you’ll take the more scenic route,” Dr. Sood says. By that, he means you’ll find it easier to live in the present, appreciating the beauty of your life—and feel a whole lot happier in the process.

Ask yourself: Will this matter five years from now?

A nasty email, a parking ticket, a loss on an investment—any of these would have ruined Dr. Sood’s day when he was younger, he admits in the book. “But now I try my best to choose a different response. I zoom out of the experience,” he writes. If the unpleasant event or situation won’t matter five years from now, he doesn’t let it matter in the moment.

Reframe negative thoughts

As you rush to check off items on an ever-growing to-do list, you think, I hate being so busy. But the trick, according to Dr. Sood, is to halt that unpleasant thought and try to find the silver lining of your workload. For example, you might tell yourself, I’m grateful to be able to help so many people. Or, I’m grateful my clients have so much confidence in me. Or, I’m grateful to be able to work from the comfort of my home. “With practice your gratitude threshold changes,” he writes. “You become automatically grateful for the many little—and larger—gifts that life offers.”
RELATED: Your Secret to Happiness at Every Age

Find what went right within what went wrong

Dr. Sood cites Matthew Henry, an 18^th century Bible scholar, as someone who understood this notion well. After his purse was robbed, Henry wrote this in his journal: “Let me be thankful, first because I was never robbed before; second, because although he took my purse, he did not take my life; third, because although he took all I possessed, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.” Whether you’ve been mugged or injured, passed over or laid off, acknowledging that things could be worse helps preserve your energy (and sanity), according to Dr. Sood, so you can better focus on fixing the problem.

Practice an emotion-releasing exercise

Old hurts and grudges tend to pile up in our minds—but it doesn’t have to be that way. Like happiness, forgiveness is also a choice, Dr. Sood reminds us, though not an easy one. Letting go of anger can sometimes take a great deal of time and effort, which is why he suggests using emotion-releasing exercises like this one to help you along: The next time you’re at the beach, write any grievances you have in the sand close to the shore. Then step back and watch the waves wash the words away. Keep that imagery in your mind. Replay as needed.

How to Remind Yourself to Be Grateful for Your Life

One simple mental trick that can help you remember how good you have it.

Post published by Amie M. Gordon PhD on May 18, 2015 in Between You and Me

  

 On February 12, 2009, a plane bound for Buffalo, NY, crashed into a house, killing all 49 people aboard the plane and one person on the ground.
Following the crash, pictures of the wreckage and stories of the people who had died filled the airwaves. Among these stories of tragedy was a story of reflection and appreciation: Bad weather and a missed connection prevented David Becony from boarding that Buffalo-bound plane. When news of the crash aired, he broke down, unable to believe how lucky he was. His wife of 17 years told reporters that she couldn’t imagine life without him; but, for a few minutes, she had been forced to imagine the unimaginable. While sad for the loss of others, he and his family felt happiness, relief, and a greater appreciation for each other.  
Why did this near miss make Becony and his loved ones feel so good?
Reflecting on a loss or a near miss helps us appreciate what we have in our lives. In the classic movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey had to see a world without him in it to appreciate all the wonders of his life. Although most of us haven’t missed a flight that wound up crashing, or had an angel help us see our wonderful lives, we have passed a collision on the road and realized it could have been us, or heard about someone diagnosed with cancer and had a moment of thanks for our health. Even something as trivial as thinking we forgot our keys, only to find them in a different pocket, can elicit a real sense of relief and appreciation.
Near-misses foster feelings of relief and appreciation, but are they any better than just taking a moment to think about everything that is good in our lives?
Research suggests that they are. A clean bill of health from a doctor, a good job evaluation, a great friendship, and a fun vacation are all positive experiences that bring us a lot of happiness—at first. Over time, as we think about and savor the good things in our lives, these positive experiences do less and less to make us feel good. The more we think about something, the more familiar it becomes; the better we understand a positive event, the less happy it makes us to think about it (Wilson et al., 2005). Near misses, however, are such potent experiences because they make being alive, healthy, and happy seem less familiar and explainable—and thus more fortunate and surprising.
What do you think would make you happier?

• Thinking about how you met your partner, started dating, and ended up together; or
• Thinking about how you might never have met your partner, might never have started dating, and might never have ended up together?

In a recent study by Minkyung Koo and colleagues, participants predicted that thinking about meeting their partner would make them more satisfied with their relationships than imagining if they’d never met their partner. In the words of one participant, “I love telling people how we ended up together because it is such a great story. It always makes me feel good about our relationship after I’ve told it” (p. 1222).
Although most of us would prefer thinking about meeting our partner, expecting it to make us happier, that is not what actually gives us the biggest boost. The participants assigned to think about how it would be if they’d never met their partner were more satisfied with their relationships after the task than participants assigned to think about how they’d met their partner.
“Mentally subtracting” positive events from our lives can help us realize how fortunate we are. It doesn’t have to take missing a flight that ends up crashing to make us feel such relief and appreciation. The next time you count your blessings, instead of thinking, “I’m so glad I have family nearby,” try imagining how you would feel if you lived in a place where you had no family around.

5 Secrets to Finding Real Love

Searching for a life partner or soul mate? Get to know yourself first.

Post published by Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D. on Jun 08, 2015 in Hope for Relationships

 The love of your life. Your soul mate. Your life partner. That special someone. Whether we admit it or not, many of us are seeking to find our perfect complement. We crave having someone by our side who will love us through our moments of imperfection, and share the memories of our lives with us. We’ve seen enough movies about it, so it must be possible, right?
Love is no fairy tale, so you can stop looking for a perfect "10" who fulfills all the qualifications on your wish list. It is possible, however, to find someone to stand by your side, brave the messiness of the world, and help you experience life to its fullest potential.
How do you set the foundation to attract this kind of love in your life? Here are 5 secrets to get you started:

1. Be authentic. To find real love, you must first emphasize your true self. If you want someone to love you through your moments of imperfection, you must first be willing to do that for someone else. Be real with yourself, so you are ready for someone else's authenticity. What really makes you happy? What do you really want out of life? It’s easy to get caught in a pattern of pleasing others, and doing what seems popular or "normal" at the time. If you shift your personality, passions, or purpose to appease another person, you are not being your true self. People are attracted to authenticity. Get to know yourself, love yourself, and learn to act and speak authentically.
    
2. Be your best self. Though opposites can attract, you must first understand that "like attracts like." You set the caliber for the individual you want to spend your life with. You wouldn't look for a lethargic, gluttonous, stingy complainer with ketchup stains on their shirt, so identify ways to clean up your own act first. Do you want to spend your days with a healthy person who takes care of their body? Then lace up those sneakers and get to the gym yourself! Do you want to surround yourself with a person who sees the best in people and situations? Then stop complaining! Do you want to find someone who strives to live each day with grace, joy, purpose. and integrity? You get the idea. . .
    
3. Be confident. Be confident in yourself, your decisions, and your ability to attract love into your life. If you are being your authentic, best self, this confidence will radiate from you in a glow of self-worth. You will attract someone who recognizes, appreciates, and loves who you are. Foster this confidence by knowing that you are whole and complete just by being you. Understand that a soul mate is nice to have, but not a must-have. You, alone, are enough.
    
4. Be open. If your desire is to meet someone new, then you must be willing to connect and open up with the people around you. If someone next to you in the coffee line strikes up a conversation, be willing to engage. Even if that person is not to be the love of your life, practice openness anyway. Developing this energy of openness will help you facilitate iterations that may lead to lasting relationships.
    
5. Be happy. Perhaps the most important secret of this list is to be happy. Everyone wants to be around happy people; happiness is magnetic. So focus your energy on thinking about and doing the things that make you happy.

7 Tips for Talking About Anything With Anyone

You can get what you need, if you know how to ask.

Post published by Marcia Reynolds Psy.D. on Jun 05, 2015 in Wander Woman

 You're facing a potential conflict. So how should you proceed? Many books and articles urge you to have courageous conversations and give people direct, honest feedback. Whether speaking with your business partner, life partner, friend, or boss, these experts suggest that the sooner you let someone know what they did wrong, the better.
This advice does not always work.
Harvard professors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone (link is external) found that almost everyone struggles with receiving and accepting feedback. Even well-intentioned suggestions, they write, "spark an emotional reaction, inject tension into the relationship, and bring communication to a halt.”
Most people experience feedback as a threat, and move, mentally and physically, into a defensive posture. According to psychologist Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D., “Criticism always tears down. It always abrades an idea, a behavior, a feeling, an opinion, or a person.” People may thank you, but still go away feeling badly or looking for ways to discount your point of view.
Normally, feedback involves telling people what they did wrong and then suggesting different behaviors based on what you would do in the same situation. Instead, consider sharing what you experienced and what behavior would cause you to feel differently in future situations.
To help, try following these 7 steps:

1. Create a safe, trusting space. First, check your emotions. If you are angry, disappointed or afraid, the person will either mirror your emotions or shut down. Remember why this relationship is important to you and choose to feel curious, compassionate, caring, respectful, and/or hopeful. Then consider how a change will help both of you. The person has to feel that you have their best interest at heart, not just your own.
    
2. Ask for permission. "Open the door before you walk in" by asking the person if he or she would be willing to resolve a problem that is having an effect on your relationship right now. If the person hesitates, sincerely share why the relationship is important to you and ask if there is a better time to talk.
    
3. Start by describing what you thought occurred. Once the person says yes to your request, be specific when describing what behavior you witnessed and what words you thought the person said. Own your observation; share only what you believe you saw or heard. Do not analyze why the person acted a certain way or judge the behavior as right or wrong.
    
4. Describe the impact on you. Describe how you felt when the person did or said something that affected you. Were you hurt, embarrassed, surprised, or disappointed? Speak in "I" statements. You are 100% qualified to speak about yourself, but not for others. Explain why you felt the way you did; again, do not blame the person or speculate why he or she behaved that way. Also, don’t go into telling a story. Clearly and briefly describe your reaction. Simply state what you experienced.
    
5. When the person responds, listen. Do not interrupt or defend yourself. Let the person give you his or her perception and reasons. You still own your reaction without having to change another’s point of view. Remember, when you are listening: •  Stay 100% engaged with positive, respectful attention on the person.
   •  Release "knowing" what the person is going to share. Be curious and accepting. You can still claim the impact the behavior had on you after the person has a chance to talk.
   •  Refrain from formulating what you want to say next while the person is talking. Maintain soft eye contact and listen through your heart.
   •  Notice when you want to admonish, criticize, inform like a parent or counsel like an elder. Then, release these urges without sharing them.
   •  Wait until the person is finished before you speak. Then acknowledge what he or she said before you offer a way forward.
   
6. Suggest a way forward. This is your chance to ask for what you need the next time. In the future, how would you like the person to respond to you or act differently around you? What could the person do that would make you feel respected, acknowledged, or cared about, or would have you feel you could count on the person to do what they've promised? Again, be brief and specific. Get an agreement or a reasonable compromise before you move to close the conversation.
    
7. End on a positive note. Acknowledge what went well in the conversation and what has been working well in the relationship. Thank the person for working on improving their relationship with you. Recognize that change takes time. Express gratitude for the chance to grow together.

​

12 signs your wife is happily married

Check these 12 signs and see how you measure up. You might discover a few tips that will make your sweetheart even more happily married.

 

Gary and Joy Lundberg

• Every man wants his wife to be a happily married woman. Here are a few signs that will tell you if yours is.
  

• 1. She enjoys being with you

  When you invite her to go with you on an errand, she jumps at the chance -- even if it's to the hardware store. It may not happen each and every time, but when it happens often, you know she enjoys spending time with you. Unhappy wives generally don't enjoy spending time with their husbands.
  
  
  Read25 reasons why I know my hubby loves me

• 2. She smiles at home

  Happiness can't help but show on her face through a smile. If she's smiling most of the time, then you know she's happy. That doesn't mean she has to go around the house with a big smile all day long -- that's not quite realistic. But if she is grumpy and solemn-faced most of the time, then she likely is not all that happy in her marriage. Happy people can't help but smile, at least some of the time.
  

• 3. She likes your hugs

  When you hug her she responds back with her arms around you. If she responds to your hugs in a way that says she enjoys it every bit as much as you do, then you have a happy wife.
  

• 4. Her kisses linger

  This is very telling. Not every kiss has to be the lingering kind, but they need to happen regularly. When lips stay locked together for several seconds it's a sure sign she's enjoying the kiss. It makes her happy. Unhappily married wives won't linger in a kiss.
  

• 5. She likes to talk about things with you

  If she enjoys chatting with you about what's going on in the world, about a movie she liked or any other subject you both may enjoy discussing, including family matters, that means she feels comfortable with you and enjoys your company. It's a good sign she's happy being married to you.
  

• 6. She thanks you

  If she notices the nice things you do for her and thanks you for them, that, too, is a good sign. Showing gratitude means she's aware of you and appreciates your efforts to please her. Happy wives notice and express thanks.
  

• 7. She cooks your favorite dishes

  There's a lot of truth in that age-old saying, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven." If she tries her hand at pleasing you with her cooking, at least some of the time, it shows that making you happy makes her happy. If you want more, you better make sure she knows you appreciate and enjoy it.
  

• 8. She likes to go on dates with you

  It's normal and healthy for your wife to go out with her girlfriends once in a while. But if they are her first preference, over you, then something in her happily-married scale is amiss. If she enjoys your dates — and you need to make sure they happen — then you know she's happy with you.
  

• 9. She comforts you when you're sick or disappointed

  If she tries her best with her nursing remedies when you are sick, helps you feel better with some chicken noodle soup, or whatever sounds good to you, then you are a lucky man. You have a wife who cares. If she commiserates with you when you're feeling down, then you know she understands. That's another form of giving comfort. Happy wives do these things for their husbands.
  
  
  Read10 things you should never say to your wife

• 10. She compliments you and tells you you're handsome

  Happy wives notice when their man looks nice — and she'll let him know. That's a sure sign she's happy with the man she married.
  

• 11. She thanks God for you in your shared prayers

  When you are praying together and it's her turn, she can't resist telling a caring Father in Heaven that she appreciates and loves the man He led her to. Thanking God for you is one of the highest evidences that she is happy with you.
  

• 12. Being with her makes you feel happy

  If you find yourself looking at her and feeling happy to the core, that's a sure sign she's happy, too. When that happens, don't keep it a secret. Let her know. It will bring happiness to her heart, and that can't help but radiate out and be a blessing to you both.
  

沒人會在意你的年齡、智商、人生閱歷……勇敢跨越門檻吧！

事實上，你完全可以在任何年齡階段去做任何自己想做的事。
通往目標的征途從來都不會是一條直線，而是一條顛簸搖擺的曲線；有上坡，也有下坡；前進兩步，後退一步。直線上升的路徑沒有節奏可言，但蜿蜒曲折的進程會伴著美妙的節奏，宛如一曲舞曲。
然而，當前進兩步後出現倒退時，人們往往會因此灰心喪氣。他們會覺得失敗在慢慢靠近，已經勝利無望，但事實並非如此，他們只是處在正常的節奏之中。一旦掌握了這種節奏，你就能踏著節拍翩翩起舞，而不是徒勞地與節奏對抗，還能提前規劃好後退的腳步。
在《樂觀的力量》（The Power of Optimism）一書中，作者亞倫‧洛伊‧麥金尼斯（Alan Loy McGinnis）列舉了意志堅強的樂觀主義者的特點，其中最重要的一項就是，樂觀主義者會時刻準備著重整旗鼓，再次出征。他們事先都知道自己會有體力耗 盡的那一刻。「依據物理學中的熵 理論，所有的系統若被放任不管，必將走向式微，除非注入新能量，否則有機體終將分解。」
悲觀主義者並不想為重新上路做什麼打算，因為他們並不認為有這個必要。他們奉行孤注一擲的思維模式：要麼肯定一切，要麼否定一切。當世界變得不再完 美時，他們往往會感到憤憤不平。在他們看來，後退一步對整體而言是負面影響。他們根本不會考慮二度蜜月這樣的想法，他們會說：「如果這是一場美滿的婚姻， 那我們根本不需要去重燃愛火。」樂觀主義者則不是這樣，他們很清楚萬事皆有盛衰浮沉的道理。他們不會被暫時的挫折嚇倒，失去前進的勇氣。事實上，樂觀主義 者會為挫折做好規劃，並提前準備好富有創造性的應對辦法。
你可以為自己的東山再起擬定計畫，看看自己的行事曆，設定好用於放鬆身心、重整旗鼓和恢復元氣的時間。即使現在一帆風順，擬定重新上路的計畫也是明智之舉。在身處低谷之時，就要做好跌入谷底的準備。要學會在春風得意的時刻毅然轉身離開–即使那是自己的至愛。
如果你想要做些什麼，卻覺得自己年紀太大了，那麼你就要意識到，你正傾聽心中那個悲觀的聲音。但那個聲音講述的並非事實。你完全可以大聲反駁，提醒 那個聲音：在真實的生活中，很多人都曾選擇重新來過，只要我們自己願意，這種選擇完全不受年齡的限制。約翰‧豪斯曼（John Housman）因在電視劇《力爭上游》（The Paper Chase）中的出色表現而榮獲艾美獎最佳男主角獎，但他本人卻是在七十多歲時才選擇成為職業演員的。
我有一個朋友叫阿特‧希爾（Art Hill），他大半生都在廣告業工作，然而在他的內心深處，一直想要成為一名作家。在即將步入花甲的幾年裡，他終於完成了兩本，由密西根州的一家小出版社 出版。接著，希爾在六十歲那一年完成了有關棒球的著作《義無反顧》（I Don’t Care if I Never Come Back） ，由大名鼎鼎的賽門與舒斯特公司（Simon and Schuster）出版，並在全美發行銷售。這本書非常暢銷，引起了廣泛的關注。我把他的獻詞視為自己收到最珍貴的禮物：
謹以此書獻給史蒂夫‧錢德勒。他關心寫作，也關心我，有一天他對我說：「你應該寫一本關於棒球的書。」
除了你自己，沒有人會在意你的年齡。人們只關心你能做什麼。事實上，你完全可以在任何年齡階段去做自己想做的任何事。
你的內心深處或許會有一種聲音，對你的年齡、智商、人生經歷或者任何阻礙你前行的東西喋喋不休。不要去聽，不要被它蠱惑。多多挑戰你的大腦，從現在開始，你完全可以踏上一段自強不息的生命旅程。


書名：勇敢創造自己的奇蹟：100種自我激勵法，徹底翻轉你的人生
作者：Steve Chandler
譯者：路本福
出版社：遠流

 http://www.read-life.com

How 4th Grade Predicts Your Future

Two simple questions in grade school tell us so much about the rest of your life

Post published by Mitch Prinstein Ph.D. on Jun 07, 2015 in The Modern Teen

 Remember recess? Running around a huge playground, screaming, laughing, rolling down hills?
Which kid were you? Were you part of the horde playing a massive game of tag? Did you sit with a special friend, happy to play together in your own world where no one else existed? Or did you walk around the perimeter of the playground, holding a stick, talking to a worm, watching, but not joining your peers?
Doesn't this all seem like it happened a million years ago?
Now you are an adult, and it's lunchtime. You look up from your desk and see a few familiar patterns as folks gather to go out for food. There's Jim, standing by the elevator, surrounded by 4-5 of his friends who laugh at every one of his jokes. There's Maria and her group eating salads in the lounge, usually talking about their co-workers. George always stays at his desk, usually claiming that he has too much work to do, but you kind of get the feeling that no one has ever invited him to join them anyway.

Source: www.chicagonow.com, common

A growing body of psychological research is revealing a few remarkable connections between our childhood experiences with peers and our lives in adulthood. Sometimes in not so obvious ways. Just by knowing how well you were liked by peers in 4th grade allows us to make pretty good predictions about your life as an adult today – across a whole range of domains.
In psychological research, this kind of work is done by asking even very young children to answer to very simple questions. In safe, discrete ways, we ask kids to tell us which of their classmates they like the most and which they dislike the most. This reliably identifies five groups of children who grow up to have very different lives.
Of course, one of these groups includes the "Accepted" kids, the ones picked by virtually all of their peers as someone that is liked the most, and almost never picked as someone that others dislike. "Rejected" kids are their opposite; often picked as disliked and rarely picked as liked. "Neglected" kids, as their name implies, are very rarely picked for either question. They seem to be somewhat invisible - kids don't really notice them much at all. In contrast, "Controversial" kids are highly visible, known by everyone - but in a love-hate relationship with their peers. Controversial kids are nominated by their peers as liked and as disliked in pretty equal proportions. The rest of the kids are "Average," but most tend to veer towards one of the other groups. Remarkably, these groups can be fairly stable as we grow up. Rejected kids tend to stay that way from elementary school into high school, and sometimes even into adulthood. It doesn't matter if they change schools or get a makeover in a move starring Freddie Prinze Jr.; Rejected kids become rejected all over again, very quickly. Same for Accepted and Controversial kids too!
Maybe this is why the effects of these early peer experiences are so enduring. Which category fit you in elementary school? Has it affected you as an adult?
If you were Rejected, research suggests that you are up to twice as likely to experience depression or anxiety as an adult. You make less money than others with similar experience. You may have had more difficulty finding a stable romantic partner, and if you did, you have been a little less secure in that relationship than others (often feeling like maybe you were not loved, or worthy of love). Being Rejected in childhood actually changes brain wiring in ways that make you process the world around you a little differently (i.e., do you think that others are being mean to you, when they are not?), and you may even care more about external validation (i.e., seeking praise and reassurance) than intrinsic reinforcement. Being Rejected even has triggered dormant DNA in your cells to increase your risk for inflammatory disease later in life.
Were you Controversial? If so (and if you were also physically attractive), you may have grown up to be one the dominant, high status adolescents in high school (think The Plastics, or A-listers) who bullied others to stay at the top of the teenage food chain. You probably started using illegal substances earlier in life, having unprotected sex, and your chances of teenage pregnancy (or getting someone pregnant before the age of 17) was much higher than others. As an adult, research says that you may have some difficulties with substance use and addiction now, you are focused more on beauty and power than others, and you may even look older now than many of your classmates the same age as you.
Were you Neglected? Surprisingly, many of these kids turn out to be pretty OK. Neglected kids are most likely to switch categories as they grow up. A Neglected 4th grader is just as likely to be Neglected, Accepted, or Rejected by high school. If you playing by yourself was your own choice, or if you were simply not very interested in others, then you may have been completely content with forging your own path as you grew up. If you were Neglected because you always felt too apprehensive to approach others, however, then there is a good chance you have continued to experience significant anxiety throughout your life. Research suggests that dating was not an easy experience for you, and you may have even chosen a career path that allowed you to minimize social situations that were especially scary (public speaking, recruiting, in-person sales).
If you were Accepted, then you have probably had a very different life than the others. You are confident and optimistic, maybe even a little too much sometimes. You are comfortable developing new relationships at work and in your personal life, and you have used that to your advantage. Perhaps you are a leader, maybe you are the social butterfly of your neighborhood, and maybe you have committed yourself to deep personal relationships with friends and family. If you have an argument, you are less likely to think about retaliation and more likely to think of ways to resolve conflict by strengthening your relationship. Whatever you are doing, you are more likely than any of your elementary school playmates to feel like your life has meaning and you are flourishing.
Of course, not everyone who was Rejected turns out to have difficulties, just as not everyone who was Accepted has a lifetime of success. However, findings have been remarkably consistent in suggesting that this simple classification into five groups of likeability in elementary school is a stronger predictor of our adult lives than we ever thought. In fact, we even have some evidence to suggest that how likeable you were in elementary school is affecting how you parent your own children, and how liked they will be as they grow up.

The Secret Benefit of Exercise

It has nothing to do with looking good.

By Devon Corneal

 

I exercise several times a week. I swim, run, do yoga or take long walks with my dogs. I have dabbled in kickboxing and spinning. I tried aerobics once in the 80s. I don’t do anything that involves people yelling at me because I’m too old for that nonsense. Sure, I can go for months without missing a day, then slack off for a couple of weeks—and I cheat and make excuses when it’s raining—but generally I’m pretty good about preserving an hour a day to work out.
I should note that I’m lucky when it comes to all of this: I have a flexible schedule and I work from home, so I have more options than some friends who spend time commuting and work in offices. I know how challenging that is. Until recently, I worked full-time as an attorney, and finding time to exercise wasn’t easy. I had to get up early or steal time at lunch. It wasn’t always pretty.
Don’t get me wrong: This does not make me a saint or a size two. I’m an ordinary woman of ordinary weight with a touch of asthma who avoids the mirror in yoga class because I don’t want to shatter the image I have in my head of myself as a lithe and limber athlete. I won’t ever do a triathlon or, God forbid, a marathon. But exercise is an important part of my life.
I don’t do it for the cardiovascular workout, despite the fact that my family has a history of heart disease. I don’t muddle through hot yoga classes for increased flexibility and balance to avoid falling and breaking my hip later in life, although my grandmother died after doing just that. I gave up hoping that exercise would give me energy to keep up with my son. I don’t even do it for the cute workout clothes that I spend too much money on in the hopes they will make my ass look good.
I exercise because it is the only time things are quiet. In the pool or on the road or in the studio, the only thing I can focus on is the next breath. There is a stillness that exists for me only when I pay attention to my body and not my mind. Before my heart rate speeds up, it slows down. Just knowing I have time alone is an amazing stress reliever.
In class, I can’t be reached via email to revise a story or solve a problem. When I’m running, there’s no one calling my name or asking for a snack. Exercise gets me out of my head and away from my responsibilities and forces me to focus on myself for however long the playlist lasts. I’ve also discovered that I have small epiphanies and bursts of inspiration when I stop wrestling with problems and start sweating. Something about a change of scenery and an increased heart rate does wonders for my brain, not to mention my mood. I come back to my work and my family with new energy and patience.
If strong is the new skinny, then time alone is the new strong.
This is no small thing in a world where we are always accessible and always in demand. Where value is ascribed to those who never put down their cell phones and respond to email in minutes, if not seconds. Where noise is everywhere and the pull of engagement with the virtual world in tweets and “likes” and followers sometimes diminishes our non-digital existence. I am as susceptible as the next person to those pressures, but to counteract the pull of other people and social expectations and small children and pets and leaky faucets, I have to take myself out of the mix.
That’s why I exercise. If I have to suffer and sweat to get those few precious moments, I’ll do it. If my pants fit at the end of the day? Even better.

沒有人天生有安全感，安全感是一輩子的練習

六月 12, 2015 3989

  

 

親愛的，我相信有很多人都被問過有沒有安全感這個問題，我覺得很有趣，因為，我從來沒有見過所謂有安全感的人。
妳知道嗎？當你呱呱落地那一刻，你的世界就不在安全了，因此在演化上需要讓嬰兒長得可愛，才會讓照顧者願意花時間陪伴撫育，所以嬰兒大部分的安全感 都來自於照顧的人。但當照顧的人離開了，他會哭鬧，當然有一些個別差異，有的孩子一定要特定照顧的人才能被安撫，有的孩子則是有其他人出現就可以稍微安定 下來。
所以，在我們小時候覺得安不安全，要看父母照顧孩子的品質，但當我們長大了，有沒有安全感這件事，就會依賴另一伴了，當然還是會有很多人依舊透過父母獲得安全感，這是很自然而然在人類的群體社會就會發生的現象。
小時候我們自然而然獲得大人的照顧，隨著長大的過程照顧減少了，我們被要求要獨立，在我們失去與他人緊密連結的時候，不安全感就被放大了，但如果我們從小就被教會：
當你一個人的時候，可以為自己做些什麼？
當你感覺孤單或不安的時候，你可以怎麼做？
－－－其實我們就可以給出自己安全感了。
有時候那種不安，是因為不相信自己可以照顧好自己，一定需要有另一個人再來安撫自己，或者幫助自己轉移注意力，才覺得不安感降低了。
所以親愛的，當你發現你常常做什麼事情都要問身旁的人意見，當你覺得你不安時一定要找到人陪你說話，當你覺得找不到人時會全身無力陷入憂鬱中，那你要回頭來問問自己，你給了自己多少安全感了。我們太常向外找答案，卻忘了往往心中都有了鑰匙。
我必須很殘酷地告訴你，世界上沒有任何一個人可以給妳完整的安全感，因為沒有任何一個人有辦法全天候全年無休的在你身旁，因此你總要面對自己。而我 看過太多女孩因為不安全感的驅使，而必須無時無刻的控制另一半，或者另一半一個不留意沒回電話，就像災難發生一樣，對方需要耗盡心力來安撫。
讓我們開始練習吧！
為自己帶來安全感的同時，你也能為你的周遭帶來安全與信任的氛圍，更造就你在親密關係中更深度的連結。從現在開始，當你感覺到不安時，就開始與不安 對話吧！那股不安就快要淹沒自己了，感覺要窒息了，就讓它流動吧！透過感受與呼吸，去與更深層自己相遇，你會完好如初的，甚至你會感受到自己的勇敢與力 量。
記住，安全感是練習來的，是一次次與自己的對話，一次次與感受接觸累積來的。
當妳的另一半不再需要扛起給予你十分安全感的責任時，他會感覺輕鬆自在，而你們也能在愛中有更深刻的成長了。

• 作者：吳姵瑩-chloe-wu-諮商心理師

10 Things You Need to Know About Real Love

1. To find the right person, be the right person.

Post published by Susan J Elliott JD, M.Ed. on Apr 12, 2015 in Getting Back Out There

 My God, these folks don't know how to love—that's why they love so easily. 
— David Herbert Lawrence

 

Many people want to be in relationships, without really having a clue what it is all about or what they're all about.
Real love is akin to getting married, having babies, or even getting a dog. Many people have some romantic fantasy about all these things without looking at the work involved or the responsibility or the commitment required. Some think more about the DJ they want at the wedding, the gurgling and happy baby, or the fun-loving puppy. They don’t think about how to live with a person every day, deal with a colicky newborn, or manage a “mouthy” puppy who keeps eating the sofa.
Each of these wonderful things has another side that you must acknowledge going in, or you will fail. Every day, couples get divorced, dogs are dropped at shelters, and cranky babies are ignored or, worse, mistreated—because the responsibility inherent in marriage, parenthood, and pet ownership has been ignored.
Being able to love and be loved for many years in a good and healthy way takes work. It takes resisting urges. It's about making a decision not to do things that would wreck your relationship or hurt your partner—like calling someone a name, being selfish when you should help out, not acknowledging or caring about your partner's needs, or having an affair. It includes big and little things. Love is an action, love is work, and love is a decision.
It doesn't take work to be in a dysfunctional relationship; people do it all the time. Taking someone hostage or allowing yourself to be taken hostage is boring and predictable. It might be chaotic, destructive and dramatic, but in the end...same old same old.
To love someone, really love someone who really loves you, too, is about being a good and sane and supportive and caring partner; knowing how to understand and compromise; knowing to accept your partner for who he or she is without trying to change them.
It's not about taking someone away from those they love. It's not about being locked into some strange desperation with each other, hoping and praying that no one cracks the shell. Too many unhealthy relationships depend on each person convincing the other that the world is out to get one or both of them.
My books, Getting Past Your Breakup and Getting Back Out There, emphasize that real love is an enlarging experience and dysfunctional love is a narrowing one. But anything that is enlarging comes with work and responsibilities—responsibility to self and to each other. A couple must support each other's hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
If you're not there yet, you can start to work on what you will and will not do to nurture yourself and your idea of what a healthy relationship is. And there are some things you can do that will almost guarantee a healthier relationship:
1. To find the right person, be the right person. Before you get back into a relationship, build your life. Finish your unfinished business. Become objective about what went wrong in your last relationship, and in the relationships before that. Do a relationship inventory and a life inventory. You must discover the patterns and habits that torpedoed previous relationships before you get into a new one. If you're in a relationship and trying to salvage or save it, you—both of you—must figure out and heal that which has been hurting you and your relationship. If one partner changes, the other is forced to change or leave. You cannot maintain the status quo when one of you chooses to change.
2. To be the right person and to find real love, you must develop your boundaries. Know what you stand for before you have to stand for it. Is an affair a deal breaker? What else will you NOT stand for: Porn use? Pot abuse? Drunkenness? Forgetting to call? Standing you up? Not being financially stable? Not holding a job? Not being honest? You have to know this before you are tested. You have to be able to say, "If x happens, I am out of here—without argument."
Make sure you know what would be a deal breaker for you—and make sure you break the deal if it happens. Be committed to walking away when a deal breaker breaks. If there are other things that you think deserve second and third chances, then commit to walking away the second or third time it becomes an issue. If you stay beyond that, you're basically lying to yourself. Walk away for what you believe in. Otherwise you'll just be stuck in dysfunction again and bargaining with yourself in order to accept what you shouldn't accept.
3. Real love communicates in a healthy way. Name calling is out. Blaming and nitpicking is out. Accusations are out. Learn to begin sentences with "I feel" or "I think" or "In my opinion," and be with others who communicate similarly. Don't let anyone project onto you what you are thinking or feeling. Don't defend yourself against that which you're not doing. There is much game-playing in dysfunctional relationships. The only way to win is not to play. Healthy relationships are about forthright and honest communication.
4. Real love requires goals and aspirations, both individually and as a couple. You have to have plans and dreams, and agree on the future. You must help each other fulfill your hopes and dreams as individuals and as a couple. Figure out what you've always wanted to do—and do it. Find out what your partner wants in life and out of life. Figure out, early on, if you can and will support each other in achieving everything you've always wanted. It is important that you figure this out early on.
5. As a prelude to finding real love, learn to be discriminating in all your relationships—with family, friends, acquaintances, and co-workers. Learn to make choices and not just let friendships and professional relationships "happen." Don't spend time with family just because they're family. Choose to only have those in your life who are loving, respectful, honest, and open, and who care about you. Choose people who know that trust is earned and that once broken, it's next to impossible to get back. Choose people who do not keep you guessing about how they feel, or how they feel about you. Choose people who are not ambivalent about you or their relationship with you.
Don't put up with people who say, "I'm confused," "I gotta be me," or, "I want to be a good partner, but I don't know how." You get what you put up with. If you want less doubt in your life, stop putting up with it. Real love is discriminating and insists upon loving treatment no matter what.
6. Stop being a victim. Stop thinking you have no control over what happens to you. Most people stuck in unhealthy patterns (including me when I was) are stuck in a mud pit of denial, justification, and rationalization. Learn to call yourself on your own rationalizations, and stop believing the justifications that keep you stuck and "victimized." You need to untangle yourself from any need you might have to be pitied. If you find yourself telling stories in which you were taken advantage of or someone did you wrong, and the stories are being told to generate sympathy, stop and realize that going through life as a victim is not attractive to healthy people. Take charge of yourself and what happens to you day in and day out.
7. Live with purpose. Spend some quiet time alone each day, without interruption, to think about your life and how it's structured. Think about what you need to do to "get better" in different areas. Learn to meditate by getting quiet and relaxing. Meditation is not sitting on a pillow chanting—it's just learning to calm down and go inward without distraction. Living purposefully is the opposite of living randomly. It's thinking about what you're doing when you're doing it. It's about not looking at your phone every 10 minutes, or mindlessly checking Facebook 200 times a day. It's about having your head where your feet are. Look around, and see what's going on where you are at this very minute.
Learn to be disciplined and control your urge to be tied to your phone, to dive into ice cream when you're not happy, or to do anything without really thinking about it. It's about doing the "tough" things, like sitting with your feelings, going to the gym, or eating healthy. Spend some time each day thinking about your impulses and mindless behaviors. and ways in which you can improve your self-control and self-discipline. Quiet time each day is so important to building a healthy life. Try to stretch it out. Set goals for building the amount of time you can spend every day in quiet meditation and purposeful action (and purposeful inaction). Having a say in everything you do and everything you don't do is important to being healthy and being capable of giving and receiving real love. (It is also important, when you're in a relationship, to continue to cultivate this practice and to have your own "me time" and alone time every day.)
8. Know that real love does not hurt. Yes, there are misunderstandings and upsets and disappointments in every relationship, but in healthy relationships they are not a regular happening. Real love and really loving relationships are consistent. They are not always easy, but they tend to run smoothly because everyone works at it. Love is what helps you deal with the curves that life throws at you—not what makes things more difficult. Love, real love, is support in a difficult world, not something that makes your life even harder. Real love gives each other the benefit of the doubt without being foolish about it. Pick your battles, and don't fight over everything. Don't be with people who turn everything into an argument or a challenge. It's exhausting, and doesn't need to be that way. Healthy people refuse to live that way.
9. Real love does not ask us to sacrifice that which we love. Not our interests, not our hobbies, not our friends and family. If someone is asking you to do that, it's not healthy and not good for you. If you're willing to do that without even being asked, it's even worse. It's normal to cocoon in a new relationship but after a time, you have to get back to the things and the people you love. Keep your life balanced; if you give up what you love and the people you love, you will look around one day and realize you can't leave your relationship because you have nothing else. You may need to rework the ratios of how much time you give to each of your interests and loved ones, but it's important that nothing (and no one) is treated as an afterthought.
10. The most important thing to know about real love is that love is an action from you and to you. Act it and insist on it. Every single day, whether in a relationship or not, you must affirm that love is what you do, not what you say, and you must insist upon it with everyone in your life. If it's a "non-love" relationship (i.e. professional), respect is the action and you must be treated with respect in all your relationships.

7 Signs of People With Integrity

Examples are all around us; all we need to do is look.

Post published by Seth Meyers Psy.D. on Apr 06, 2015 in Insight Is 20/20

 “Integrity” is a word you hear almost every day, but it’s not a word that people spend a lot of time thinking about. If you try to define it, what would you say? According to the dictionary, integrity is "firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values." Put another way, the root of integrity is about doing the right thing even when it’s not acknowledged by others, or convenient for you. An individual with integrity is the antidote to self-interest. There are countless examples of integrity in everyday life—and yet we seldom see some of the examples highlighted below acted out in our daily lives:
1. Parents apologizing to their kids for over-punishing or yelling at them.
Like animals, small children make easy targets. They’re physically vulnerable by size and stature, and they’re emotionally vulnerable because they don’t yet have the cognitive capacity to understand the complexities of life. When parents feel overwhelmed, it often follows that they snap at their children or issue a too-harsh punishment. As a parent myself, I known how hard it can be, but at the same time, I also know that delivering an apology to your child when you’ve gone too far is something he or she deserves—and that it's an absolute sign of integrity. Parents should set aside their pride and learn to apologize more frequently.
2. Bosses highlighting their staffs’ accomplishments and downplaying their own.
As a practicing psychologist, I hear some pretty extreme stories in my office. Based on these tales, the percentage of managers or bosses who are narcissistic, sadistic, or even sociopathic appears to be off the charts. Wherever you have power, you’ll find someone nearby who’s gunning for it. Yet the boss with integrity is a boss not because she or he wants to have power over others, but because of being a natural leader who is good at keeping things organized and who handles challenging situations with dexterity. Simply put, bosses with integrity have no need for power because they know they're good at what they do, and they also have insight into the fact that they get better financial compensation than other workers. The good boss makes a constant effort to appreciate a staff’s contribution and to give them credit for a job well done. Sadly, you rarely see this kind of healthy, appropriate behavior in the workplace. We desperately need more integrity from bosses far and wide.
3. Romantic partners who boycott name-calling or other vicious behaviors.
Let’s admit it: There are infinite ways you can treat a romantic partner badly. Every day, in couples old and new, wealthy and poor, men and women get nasty with each other. At the most distorted end of the spectrum are the physical and sexual abusers; at the other end are the name-callers and angry, passive-aggressive types. (Infidelity is a complex issue appropriate for separate analysis.) No psychological study will ever reveal the percentage of relationships that include nasty, below-the-belt behavior. Yet there are couples out there who fight but not never unfairly, who argue but stop short of calling each other names. Those couples, which may have problems with each other but still manage to show a level of humanity and kindness, are composed of romantic partners who show integrity in everyday life. May we all watch and learn from them.
4. Drivers who (almost) never use the horn or drive aggressively.
We all have to share the roads, no matter how annoying that reality might be. How you drive says a lot about you—how you treat people you don’t know; how you handle anger; and the extent to which you suffer from entitlement. Perhaps you’d like to believe that someone who drives slowly or non-aggressively is simply less busy than you, but driving in a cooperative manner that is mindful of your fellow commuters is actually a sign of integrity. Let’s all try to practice it more when we’re behind the wheel.
5. People in positions of power apologizing for keeping their captive audience waiting.
When someone feels important because they have more power than the majority of people around them, they often take themselves pretty seriously—and don't think about the feelings of others. I'm talking about company higher-ups who don't make a conscious effort to apologize to job interviewees for long waits—either on the day of an interview, or during the long lapses between interviewing and hearing back about whether a candidate got the job. I could just as easily be referring to physicians who keep a waiting room full of people waiting well past their agreed-upon appointment times. Every day people in positions of power, savoring their power, don't acknowledge how they infringe upon the time and demands of those who depend on them. When was the last time that a physician came into the examination room and acknowledged how long you'd been made to wait? I've never heard a doctor say, “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting,” or, “Thanks for waiting; I'm sure you’re probably busy.” In situations where there is a major power imbalance, make no mistake: The one with power who apologizes to the one with less power is showing bona fide integrity.
6. Anyone giving another person the benefit of the doubt when the circumstances are unclear.
Modern life is more taxing and fast-paced than ever, and we suffer from stress on an ongoing basis. When we’re stressed, we're more likely to get defensive and blame others. But if each of us could learn to give people the benefit of the doubt across the board—whether it’s in an argument, about a job not completed, or in response to feedback that suggests that someone’s spoken badly about you—we would have less stress in our daily lives. One of the noblest behaviors you can engage in is to give someone the benefit of the doubt before rushing to judgment or negatively filling in the blanks yourself.
7. Volunteers.
As a society, we don't volunteer hardly enough. Yet a handful of men and women make volunteering a built-in part of their weekly life, whether at a church, food pantry, animal shelter, or other non-profit operation. It shows a certain level of integrity to volunteer for a one-day stint here or there, but the steadier integrity is shown by those who commit to ongoing volunteer positions that require a real sacrifice of time. Cheers to all the parents who coach their children's sports teams, but even louder applause to those volunteers who provide a service to their larger community or to underprivileged strangers.