2014年12月11日

情绪管理(中国式情绪管理读本)》 第23篇:焦虑与害怕

曾仕强:我们要特别小心,因为一切都是我们自己做出来的选择,你选择害怕,你就天天感觉到不安全,你选择焦虑,你就天天感觉到压力很大。那你会觉得奇怪,为什么你会选择焦虑?因为我们越来越多的人选择了竞争。人有必要竞争吗?但是我们动不动就讲这是个竞争的时代,谁都避免不了竞争。我倒是觉得如果我们是一只猴子,当我们被关在动物园里面的时候,我们会觉得我们是自由的还是不自由的。你可以用这样来想象,在动物园里面,其实那个猴子也蛮自由的,可是你再自由你还是被关在笼子里面,只不过笼子比较大而已。但是我问你,你活着你有多大的自由。你能够想到美国就到美国吗?不行。

    有一个人他就想到美国,结果签证不准,不让他去,他就很好奇说为什么不让我去呢?那个签证官讲得很有意思,因为你太有钱了,你太有钱了你去了可能就不回来了。我太有钱也不能去,那没钱更不能去啊。所以他就问我,怎么可以用这种理由?我说这是常事,谁叫你把银行存款填得那么多,你填少一点他就让你去了。你慢慢就会感觉到有时候这个过与不及,好象现在慢慢全世界都在这样讲。你到很多地方他会问你你带多少钱进来,钱带太多了他不会让你进来,钱带太少了也不会让你进来,你慢慢去感觉,去体会。

    我们一个人,我们认为自由我们就很自由,海阔天空。但是我们认为不自由我们真的没有什么自由,第一个你要上班,你有自由吗?第二个你公司就给你个位置,你能乱坐吗?那你回家你能跑到别人家里面去吗?你有什么自由?这样你就是这样,你选择自由你就会自由,你选择不自由你就很不自由,这是很好证明的。你每天早上起来都说好累啊,他就很累,他真的很累。你每天早上起来说精神奋发,他就很奋发了。一句话,都是你自己想出来的,统统是你自己想出来的。你打开窗子,怎么搞的,又没有太阳,那你就觉得很不愉快。我问你你既不能改变他,你又何必跟自己作对,这句话就讲完了,我们都是跟自己作对的。

    焦虑是自己找的,是自己选择的,你选择紧张,选择不安,选择焦急,选择忧虑,选择担心,选择恐惧,那就造成焦虑。你想想看你要想不安,那就越想越不安,我这堆生意能不能完成,完成以后钱收不收得到,给了钱以后会不会反悔要退货,那没完没了了,谁都控制不了,你想那么多干什么?所以你想都要适可而止,不能不想不必多想。一个人顾虑太多也是一事无成,一个人完成不顾虑就叫鲁莽。就不要不小心,我们很害怕被遗弃,当然如果一个太太常常觉得先生会搞外遇,如果觉得先生会有外心,那你日子怎么过,天天看镜子,糟糕我又老了,那你日子不要过了嘛。你开车上高速公路的时候老怕有车子从车道冲过来,你来分割倒都不相信的话你怎么开车,我问你你怎么开车?所以一切是无常的,但是最起码我不要认为相当地有常。你要去选择,我这些干部是经过我长期考验的,我最起码要相信他们,如果连他们都不能相信,那我怎么办,我不要做事。这是你的选择,你可以选择不相信,你也可以选择相信,你可以选择冒险,你也可以选择保守,都可以。你可以选择很愉快,你也可以选择很痛苦。那现在你选择什么,你选择焦虑,它就越来越焦虑,你选择害怕,它就越来越害怕,人常常为了不知道在怕什么而担心害怕,是不是这样,你在怕什么,不晓得,如果你晓得你就不害怕了,我们为什么到陌生的地方我们经常会觉得有恐惧感,就是因为我们对它不了解,如果这个地方你非常了解你就不会恐惧了。你看开自己的车多半会非常安心,开别人的车你就提心吊胆,有没有什么故障他没有告诉我,那这样的情况之下你怎么会安心呢?

    我们害怕失去爱,害怕受伤害,害怕被排斥,害怕突然间产生意外,而这些都是我们没有办法控制的,那你就不要去怕它好了,你怕它干什么,你可以选择,我为什么不害怕,我失业过,我也不害怕,我两度没有工作,我都无所谓,为什么会这样?因为从小我的祖父就给我讲一句话,我一辈子受益,那时候我很小,我祖父就跟我讲,天无绝人之路,船到桥头自然直,我就记住了,老天不会给你没有饭吃,你到印度去看,印度很多人趴在地上,动都不动,你给他水都不喝,你给他食物他不吃,你跟他讲话他不听,你去问他你到底在干什么,他的答案你是很难接受的,他说我在试试看老天会对我怎么样,最后还是让我活下去了,哪里不能活了呢?

    人真的要拼命吗?人真的要天天工作吗?你到成都你会发现他们大部分时间都在打麻将喝茶,日子照样过得很好啊,难道不可以吗,难道有罪恶吗,这是我们自己的选择啊。要是我选择我觉得不慌不忙慢慢来,我为什么要选那个匆匆忙忙急得要命,快快快,为什么要快吗?我只要不慢就好了,我为什么要快呢?你看你说不慢的时候你没有压力,你说快你就有压力了,我不要慢但是我也不要快,我把快跟慢合在一起想,我就没有事了。危险跟安全合在一起想,你说哪里没有危险?你说怎么不安全?对不对。你说那个砖头会砸下来,但是砸不一定砸我,你说不砸到我,那偏偏砸到我。有一个人爬到高楼上想要跳楼自杀,他一跳下去,没想到,都是没想到的,世界上的事都是没想到的,一个骑脚踏车的,正好跟他对得准,啪一下把那个脚踏车的人压死了,他自己没有死。想死的死不掉,不想死的死了,那这笔帐怎么算呢?那怎么样,没办法。天底下有很多事情是很凑巧凑巧的,很多事情是不凑巧不凑巧又不凑巧。那我的解释很简单,凑巧凑巧就是你运气很好,不凑巧不凑巧就是你运气很差,然而你骑脚踏车,早一步也没有人压你,后一步也没有,你算得那么准,被他压死,那很科学,很准确啊。

    我们要了解我们老能控制的事情实在讲并不多,小事情可以控制,大事情你怎么可以控制?夏天下冰雹你能控制吗?什么时候土石流下来,你能控制吗?你没有办法。飞来横祸你躲得掉吗?我想有一个人去算命算到某月某日,你会有意外,还是有血光之灾,会流血,很危险,他心里想才怪呢,他就把自己关在卧室里面,窗子统统关上,然后就住在床上不下来,我就不会摔跤了,我会流血吗?三餐送到这里给我吃,我不相信你会准。结果呢,他墙壁上那个相片掉下来,一下又流血了。该来的躲不掉。那是不是那个人说话很准啊,其实也不是,就是你的选择,你要选择被那个砸到吗。我想我这一番话你真的要好好冷静去想,他算他的,你搞你的,你不相信他他就不准,你相信他他就很准,都是你的选择,你要选择他很准他就真的很准,你要选择他不准他就真的不准,他怎么会准?所以很多人情绪不安宁的时候他会去算命,我现在问你要不要算,我的建议算跟不算是一样,可算可不算,算了等于不算,不算等于算,你说这是什么话,我告诉你你不算自己会算,一个人情绪不安宁的时候,最会发生意外的,因为你的注意力会分散,这时候你会摔跤,你会被东西打到,你防范不了,那还用算吗,算也不过如此。但是你去算也没有关系,我讲实在话,一个人去算命不是要去听他的,而是要不听他的,那就好了,但是不听他的有不听他的方法,像我刚才讲的不听他最后还是被他算得很准了,其实你听他跟不听他反应是一样的。你不把他当一回事,你不选择走这条路,你就安然无恙,各位可以试试看,你心里一紧张,不是这里打到就是那里打到,然后它就很准。准不准是看你不是看他。因为一切都是可以改变的,一切都是可以改变的,我不晓得大家能不能接受,命是一定的,但是一切可以改变,现在就很矛盾,本来就很矛盾,怎么不矛盾,你不改变,他命就一定了,你要改变,命就改变了。这有什么矛盾,没有矛盾,只是听不懂的人觉得矛盾,你看多少人在变,不能算啊,那是迷信,他受这个命的控制太牢固了,算不算一样,要算就算,不算就不算,多自由自在,算了我会说四个字,趋吉避凶。好象我们整个情绪管理的确是趋吉避凶,你的未来一定有吉一定有凶,我只是会躲而已。凶的我躲掉,吉的我迎上去,你看中国人有好处都跑来了,有坏处都跑掉了,就是趋吉避凶。

    我们不可能完全没有害怕,但是你要使自己不需要害怕,这叫情绪管理。

    我们每一个人都很害怕失败,因为从小就感觉到失败是很可怜的。我们事先都会紧张不安,你看每个人要上台来都在那里忐忑不安,明天有大事晚上睡不着觉了,有一批大生意就开始喝酒麻醉自己,因为你受不了,你很怕万一成交不了,那就被人家看不起,自己觉得有罪恶感,其实我们变成一句话讲完了,你干吗选择这些东西?你干吗?所以一个人得失心要比较轻一点,得就是失,失就是得,我这批货卖了出去我就赚到了钱,这批钱卖不出去我存起来说不定涨价我赚更多的钱,谁知道,没有人知道。有时候卖不掉的反而赚更多的钱,卖掉了很后悔,早知道不要卖掉了,也有可能,不是没有,你要自己去造成对你有利的,而不是听天由命。所以我们一般人很喜欢患得患失,得到的就很高兴,失去了就很悲伤,其实那个是不聪明的,你看你目标定得太高,你就怕你达不到,给自己难看,你目标定得太低的时候,就被人家笑话,志气这么小。它这个焦虑跟忧愁它是连体婴,都是对未来一种无助感,这个事情很可怕的,因为未来你不能控制,将来会怎么样你料想不到,所以你就开始患得患失,焦急,然后忧愁。

    我现在一句话就讲完了,你明知道未来会变化的,就一句话讲完了,未来会变化,你干吗跟动的东西去扯呢?你看对那些很喜欢打电动玩具的人我就讲一句话,我说你是活的它是死的,你活的跟它拼,它不会死你就死了,一句话就讲完了,你看它是活的,其实它是死的,电动玩具怎么玩它不会累你会累啊,你累死他还在那里动,那你跟它拼你一定死啊。他一听有道理,他就不搞了。人要从根本上去治疗,而不是整天讲东西讲那些没有用的话,你明知道未来是不可控制的,你为什么要强求呢?但是害怕是一种自然的反应,你也不需要害怕害怕是对的,因为害怕而害怕,那就更害怕,害怕是什么?对你不可知的,对你不了解的,对掌握不住的,一种很自然的反应。所以当你害怕的时候你最好的办法就是问问你自己你在害怕什么,当你找到具体的目标你自然就不会害怕了。当你还没有找到具体目标,你就不知道为什么害怕而害怕,那是很可怕的。

    害怕有它的好处,就是会保护你自己,当然一个小孩如果不害怕的话他很可能腿断了手断了,你看小孩是很害怕的,刚开始学走路的时候他不敢走,他要牵着东西才敢走,他要扶着东西敢走,这个小孩子就聪明,一下子就走马上摔跤,摔到最后他不敢走了,那就糟糕了。小孩喜欢爬,爬到沙发上,他会抓得紧紧的,他要下来,会慢慢慢慢除非脚踩到否则他不会下来,这是聪明的小孩。管它呢,一下就哭,那这算什么聪明呢?人不害怕你更不安全。什么都不怕下面一句话所有人都怕你,你就没有前途,我再说一遍,当你什么人都不怕的时候,所有人都怕你,所以人最怕就是天不怕地不怕,不可以。所以为什么中国人告诉你抬头三尺有神明,神明有没有我们不管他,最起码你要让自己有一点界线,有一点自律有一点害怕,有一点恐惧。你才不会乱来啊,什么都不怕那糟糕了,怕什么那也糟糕了,害怕的人要进一步了解,我为什么害怕,我害怕什么,我怎么来保护自己,这就对了,而不是盲目的害怕,盲目的害怕是错的。适当的害怕是会很安全的,过分的害怕会伤害你的生理跟心理,为生命害怕,为安全害怕,这是很正常的,只要不过分,你就不足以焦虑,这样就好了。你看有人害怕飞机会掉下来,不敢坐飞机,这种人很可怜,我有一个同事就是这样,他从来不敢到外面旅游,他从来不敢,因为他对飞机恐惧,其实一天有几万只飞机在空中飞,很难得掉下来一个,很难得,坐飞机其实比坐火车还安全,但是他就是很盲目的,他就是不敢坐飞机,你跟他出旅费他都不敢坐,那他的损失真的太大了。我们再说清楚一点,任何事情完全没有,你就没有包袱没有警戒,一旦过分你就会受害,所以为什么我们中庸之道是无过无不及,就是这个道理。你看小孩都不怕的话,我们真的很担心,我们会不担心就是因为他会保护自己,他会很小心,他会害怕。你看那个聪明的小孩,别人跟他讲什么话,他也不会回答,也不会什么,他会看看他妈妈,这个小孩有安全。现在不是,现在我们鼓励这个小孩要外向,人家跟你讲你也要跟他讲,你要勇敢,你要表现你自己,很快就会被骗掉了,你看小心的小孩子,他走到哪里眼睛一定离不开他的妈妈,看不到妈妈他就赶快找他妈妈,他不会到哪里去,这个小孩不会丢掉,你一走不知道走到哪里去了,你也找不到他他也找不到你,活该,一句话好了,谁叫你这么聪明,那是假的聪明,哪里是真的聪明。外国人带小孩子跟带狗一样,也是一条绳子拉着的,那我们又不愿意这样子,所以我们只好告诉小孩你眼睛不要离开妈妈,你在能够看到妈妈的范围之内活动,这样很安全,不就好了吗。

    人有情绪才是正常的,只要不过分,你就不必去避讳有什么好避讳呢?我脾气不好,脾气不好就脾气不好,脾气不好也可以好好做人,为什么脾气不好就不会好好做人?我只要前面该做的事情做了,后面该做的事情做了,我发脾气就发脾气了,我怕谁?因为江山易改本性难移,你只能做好事先的预防跟事后的补救,你没有办法完全改变你自己,而且也不需要,因为每个人都不同。你要那样我偏要这样,我不一定要跟你一样,每个人都一样这个社会是很惨的,就是每个人都不同我们才会欣赏到各式各样的人,我们才会培养不同的情景不同的变化,我们才会增加自己的弹性,然后生活更有兴趣,你朝这方面去想就对了,当主管的人不要要求部署跟你完全一样,抑制性太高的单位不好,也不要要求自己老是跟长官对抗,叛逆心很强的人很苦恼,适当的坚持自己,适当的跟老板提出不同的意见,适当的服从老板的指示,谁都是愉快的。

    我相信大家会发现我很少跟大家打招呼,因为我们现在几乎不太会打招呼,我现在来说一下,当一个人跟大家见面的时候最好的办法是什么,是一句话叫做各位大家好,再说一遍,《三国演义》开宗明义说,天下大事,分久必合,合久必分,实际上他讲的是和比分更重要,你看三国打来打去都是要和,不是要分。如果打来打去分,那我们就不要看了,没有什么好看的。和就是和平的和跟合起来的合,这两个是同音,但是两个有很密切的关系,你要跟大家和平共处,好好商量,大家的心拉得近一点,你才有办法密切的合作,否则呢,各想各的,各怀鬼胎,貌合神离,表面很和气,实际上都是笑里藏刀,那这个日子就很难过了,情绪是会彼此影响的,所以我们既不是个人,也不是为他们,很多人老说为个人而活,为自己而活,或者为别人而活,我劝各位把自己和别人合在一起想,你就是他,他就是你,自己就是别人,别人就是自己,这句话刚听起来不好了解,但实际上你是很容易了解的,没有别人哪里有你,你没有别人的帮忙你能完成事情,我是一百个不相信,所以你有的事情要跟大家分享,所以舍得舍得是两个字,有舍才有得,要跟大家分享,谢谢大家。


杂记



多话的人很惹人厌
有没有遇见超级会说话的人。
讲不会完。
连医生都说:“你只要告诉我你现在吃什么药,你不用跟我说你的历史,我外面还有很多病人在等着。”
这才关了他的叽喳嘴。

为什么觉的一直祷告一直呼求,还是觉的害怕?
为什么觉的你一直不听不看我?
我等了这样久,你为什么一直没有给我答案?
真的会心灰意冷。
难道所有的祷告、读经、听信息、申言、传福音、服事、探望、小排都属突然吗?
这样的一个我,怎样还能继续在你面前呢?

最坏的情形
当我收到一个月被辞退的通知时。
我会从容的接受。
然后开始找工作。
我会找到一分更好的工作也说不定。
若果找不到,我会暂时的休息一下。
长年累月的工作,这头驴也需要休息吧。

求你教导我学会静心且安心的等候。
交托了,就相信你会为我开路。

假如一个人一生限定会经历某种数量的寂寞的话,我是不是应该把这一生的寂寞都用完了?
假如是的话,我是不是到了这个年龄过后,就不会再被寂寞来袭了。

心累
累了。
累的怎样休息都不会恢复。
因为不是身体累,而是心累。
排山倒海而来的挫折感,无力招架。

这样一间要关门的公司,还要给零散的几个职员这样多的限制。
真的不知道为什么自己还要像傻子那样留着,打死不走。
六年没有加薪。
老板还很自豪的说:“你们要感恩,公司到现在还保留着你们的职位和薪水。”
是,工作是很清闲。
但就是工作时间一到,你就马上得端坐在办公室里,不得离开位置,直到放工时间。
还有面对随时都可能被辞退的可能。


没有人认领。
自己本来就是一个不很会计划的人。
所以往往都觉得自己好可怜。

去死吧Mr. V.


灰心失望的想哭。
为什么怎么辛苦?为什么总爱跟自己过不去?
徒然增加了许多苦。

活着,累得贼死。
还得尽量作的若无其事。
活着,总得有个人样。
为什么世事总不能如我愿?


有时候你不得不问天:“为什么还容让这样的人快快乐乐的生活在这个世界上?”
真的是一个把自己的快乐建造在别人身上的人。
让他有点残缺的活一段时间吧,那样他才明白人世间的苦痛。

Silent night
此Silent night非彼Silent night。

我最大的罪就是嫁不出, 我成了林家的耻辱。

Can Shopping Help Anxiety? The Psychology Behind Retail Therapy

Most people are guilty of emotional spending at one time or another. Whether you partake in retail therapy while you're sad, angry, or happy, you are bound to end up with some unneeded items and an empty wallet. So why do we spend to feel better, and how can we curb emotional spending in the future?
"What a Week! I Deserve that Handbag."
I recently had a friend say to me (jokingly of course), "I wish my health insurance covered retail therapy." In fact a new study out by TNS Global found that half of all Americans have admitted to engaging in one form or another of retail therapy. Additional studies have echoed similar findings; the majority of shoppers buy something to cheer themselves up or treat themselves in form of a celebration.
Shopping as a Form of Therapy
Although shopping is not the conventional type of therapy, it does have positive emotional effects on individuals, hence why shopping is so popular. Psychologists have found that people tend to shop the most leading up to big life transitions. For example, Americans shop the most during their lifetime prior to getting married and having a child. The shopping process, the purchases and the preparation for this new phase in life allow for more control over the situation, which in turn eases anxiety. Often these type of purchases outweigh the actual need of the product.
Many times, shopping relieves stress and anxiety, which can be useful for several individuals. Studies have shown that there are clear benefits to retail therapy. For example, a study conducted by Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health found retail therapy in moderation to be beneficial, citing that regular shopping was connected to longer life spans.
Problems Caused by Retail Therapy
However for some, this idea of retail therapy can be highly problematic. To truly understand the psychology behind problematic spending, we must touch on the idea of defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are an unconscious process that protect an individual from painful thoughts or ideas that are too difficult for the conscious mind to cope with. In certain cases, defense mechanisms keep unwanted thoughts and impulses from entering the conscious mind. So what do defense mechanisms have to do with over-shopping?
Denial is one of the most widely used defense mechanisms. When you use denial, you refuse to accept the reality or truth of an experience or fact. For example, believing you only drink in social situations, when in reality you drink every night. This particular defense mechanism serves over-shoppers quite well. Many individuals drowning in credit card debt have high rates of denial, and continue to spend when they can't afford to.
When Should You Be Concerned?
If your retail therapy habits are moderate in nature, your credit isn't an issue, and it does not affect your daily functioning, more power to you. Enjoy those shopping moments that decrease stress and anxiety. However, if not shopping causes you anxiety, you are spending just to spend and it's causing a financial disruption, retail therapy may have more of a negative effect than a positive one.
Best Ways to Curb the Spending
  • Budgeting and keeping your finances clean: Track your spending and take control of where your money is going. By cleaning up your finances and tracking your money, you will be able control your spending and lessen overall anxiety. Here are some tips on how to budget and clean up all your finances.
  • Balance transfer credit cards: Many people find themselves in over their heads in retail credit card debt after a major transition such as job loss or divorce. By transferring your balance to a low APR card, you'll be able to get a grip on your debt by paying down your balance versus paying just the interest each month. The key to this trick is to destroy your old credit cards and focus on paying down your balance. Here is a list of the best balance transfer credit cards.
  • Face the factors causing the overspending: If you find yourself compulsively shopping, addicted to the "buying high" regardless of the purchase, you may need to seek professional assistance. Recently, the psychological community has identified Compulsive Buying Disorder (CBD) as a possible diagnosis. CBD refers to the chronic purchasing of unneeded or unwanted things, which disrupts daily functioning. If the above description seems to fit, reaching out to your physician and/or a mental health provider is necessary.

幾乎失傳的手診學。哪裡病看手就知道 比醫生還精準!


幾乎失傳的手診,大家收藏哦!
手心出汗肺脾虛,指肚泛紅血脂高;
五指關節青筋暴,末梢循環定不好。
消化吸收看五指,指間有縫腸胃虛;
指甲豎棱肝病變,指根凸起大便差。
大魚際,有深紋,心律不齊易心慌;
手腕延伸小魚際,青筋明顯會腰痛。
指甲顏色常泛白,記得補血補腎臟,
右手虎口手掌面,定位肝臟快又準。
視力不好有粗紋,有了細紋筋腱差,
手心顏色紅青灰,胃部定是有疾患。
拇指指根紋理亂,胃部疾病早防範,
左手虎口手掌面,脾臟就是好判斷。
早晚按揉健身體,口氣清新免疫強,
女性乳腺看右手,手腕橫紋摸兩旁。
不平滑,有疙瘩,乳腺增生早預防,
食指指甲腦血管,凸棱明顯是硬化。
女性痛經和血塊,中指指根青筋暴,
生殖疾病最難查,男左女右記心上。
一、●五臟之毒是什麼?
在中醫看來,我們體內有很多毒素,凡是不能及時排出體外、對我們的身體和精神會產生不良作用的物質都可以稱為“毒”,例如瘀血、痰濕、寒氣、食積、 氣鬱、上火。這些毒素堆積在五臟之內,就會加速五臟的衰老,然後由五臟供養的皮膚、筋骨、肌肉、神經也就跟著一起衰老了。雖然毒素深藏,但它們在身體表面 還是留下了蛛絲馬跡,不同的樣貌代表毒素藏在哪裡,現在,我們要找出毒素的藏身處,盡快把它趕出身體。
二、●如果肝臟有了毒素
1.指甲表面有凸起的棱線,或是向下凹陷。中醫認為“肝主筋”,指甲是“筋”的一部分,所以毒素在肝臟蓄積時,指甲上會有明顯的信號。
2.乳腺出現增生,經前乳腺的脹痛明顯增加。乳腺屬於肝經循行路線上的要塞,一旦肝經中有“毒”存在,乳腺增生隨即產生,尤其在經血即將排出時,會因氣血的充盛而變得脹痛明顯。
3.情緒容易抑鬱。肝臟是體內調控情緒的髒器,一旦肝內的毒不能及時排出,阻塞氣的運行,就會產生明顯的不良情緒。
4.偏頭痛,臉部的兩側長痘痘,還會出現痛經。臉部兩側以及小腹,是肝經和它的搭檔膽經的“一畝三分地”,一旦肝的排毒不暢快,自己的後院就會先著火。
●怎麼排毒更順暢
1.吃青色的食物。按中醫五行理論,青色的食物可以通達肝氣,起到很好的疏肝、解鬱、緩解情緒作用,屬於幫助肝臟排毒的食物。 專家推薦青色的橘子或檸檬,連皮做成青橘果汁或是青檸檬水,直接飲用就好。
2.枸杞提升肝臟的耐受性。除了 ​​排毒之外,還應該提升肝臟抵抗毒素的能力。這種食物首推枸杞,它具有很好的保護肝臟的作用,可以提升肝臟對毒素的耐受性。食用時以咀嚼著吃最好,每天吃一小把。
3.按壓肝臟排毒要穴。這是指太衝穴,位置在足背第一、二蹠骨結合部之前的凹陷中。用拇指按揉3~5分鐘,感覺輕微酸脹即可。不要用太大的力氣,兩隻腳交替按壓。
4.眼淚排毒法。相較於從不哭泣的男人,女人壽命更長,這不能不說和眼淚有關係。 已有了這個認識,而且也被西 方醫學所證實。作為排泄液的淚液,同汗液和尿液一樣,裡面確實有一些對身體有害的生化毒素。所以,難受時、委屈時、壓抑時就乾脆哭出來吧。對於那些“樂天 派”,週末的午後看一部悲情的電影,讓淚水隨著情節流淌也是一種主動排毒方式。
三、●如果心臟有了毒素表現在
1.舌頭潰瘍。中醫認為舌和心臟的關係最為密切,所以潰瘍長在舌頭上,通常認為是心臟有內火,或是火毒。
2.額頭長痘。額頭是心臟管轄的一個屬地,心火旺盛成為火毒時,這個屬地也會沸騰,於是此起彼伏地出現很多痘痘。
3.失眠,心悸。心臟處於不停的工作中,當火毒停留於心而無法排除時,睡眠不會安穩。
4.胸悶或刺痛。心臟內出現瘀血也是一種毒素,就像是在公路上堵車,輕一些的是胸悶,重一些的則會出現刺痛。
●怎麼排毒更順暢
1.吃苦排毒。首推蓮子芯,它味苦,可以發散心火,雖然有寒性,但不會損傷人體的陽氣,所以一向被認為是最好的化解心臟熱毒的食物。可以用蓮子芯泡茶,不妨再加些竹葉或生甘草,能增強蓮子芯的排毒作用。
2.按壓心臟排毒要穴。這是指少府穴,位置在手掌心,第4、 指指端之間。按壓這個穴位不妨用些力,左右手交替。3.綠豆利尿排毒。綠豆可以通過利尿、清熱的辦法,來化解並排出心臟的毒素,但吃綠豆時要用液體的形式,例如綠豆漿或綠豆湯,綠豆糕的效果會差一些。
●心臟最佳排毒時間 中午11~13點是心臟最強的時間,可以吃些保心、助排毒的食物,例如茯苓、堅果、黃豆、黑芝麻、小棗、蓮子等。
四、●如果脾臟有了毒素表現在
1.面部長色斑。長斑的女性通常消化系統能力弱一些。
2.白帶過多。脾主管體內排濕,如果濕氣過多,超出了脾的能力,就會出現體內濕氣過盛,白帶增多是其中的一個體現。
3.脂肪堆積。脂肪在中醫裡另有一個名字:痰濕,是由於脾的消化功能不佳,不能及時把垃圾毒素排出體外而產生的。有效的減肥必須圍繞恢復脾胃正常代謝痰濕的主題來做,否則就會反彈。
4.口氣明顯,唇周長痘或潰瘍。於脾,當脾中的毒素無法排出體外,蓄積的毒素就要找機會從這些地方爆發出來。
●怎麼排毒更順暢
1.吃酸助脾臟排毒。例如烏梅、醋,這是用來化解食物中毒素的最佳食品,可以增強腸胃的消化功能,使食物中的毒素在最短的時間內排出體外。以很好地起到“抗毒食品”的功效。
2.按壓脾臟排毒要穴。這是指商丘穴,位置在內踝前下方的凹陷中,用手指按揉該穴位,保持酸重感即可,每次3分鐘左右,兩腳交替做。
3.飯後走一走。運動可以幫助脾胃消化,加快毒素排出的速度,不過需要長期堅持,效果才會更好。
●脾臟最佳排毒時間 餐後是最容易產生毒素的時刻,食物如果不能及時的消化或是吸收,毒素就會積累很多。 了飯後走一走,因為甘味健脾,還可以在吃完飯1小時吃1個水果,幫助健脾、排毒五、
●如果肺臟有了毒素表現在
1.皮膚呈銹色,晦暗 。中醫認為肺管理全身的皮膚,皮膚是否潤澤、白皙,都要依靠肺的功能良好。當肺中毒素比較多時,毒素會隨著肺的作用沉積到皮膚上,使膚色看起來沒有光澤。
2.便秘。中醫認為,肺臟和大腸是一套系統,當上面肺臟有毒素時,下面腸道內也會有不正常淤積,就出現了便秘。
3.多愁善感,容易悲傷。毒素在肺,會干擾肺內的氣血運行,使得肺臟不能正常舒暢胸中的悶氣,被壓抑得多愁善感起來。
●怎麼排毒更順暢
1蘿蔔是肺臟的排毒食品。在中醫眼中,大腸和肺的關係最密切,肺排出毒素程度取決於大腸是否通暢,蘿蔔能幫助大腸排泄宿便,生吃或拌成涼菜都可以。
2百合提高肺臟抗毒能力。肺臟向來不喜歡燥氣,在燥的情況下,容易導致積累毒素。蘑菇、百合有很好的養肺滋陰的功效,可以幫肺臟抗擊毒素,食用時加工時間不要過長,否則百合中的汁液會減少,防毒效果要大打折扣。
3按壓肺臟排毒要穴。有利肺臟的穴位是合谷穴,位置在手背上,第1、 橈側的中點處,可以用拇指和食指捏住這個部位,用力按壓。
4排汗解毒。肺管理皮膚,所以痛痛快快地出一身汗,讓汗液帶走體內的毒素,會讓我們的肺清爽起來。 是熱水浴,浴前水中加一些生薑和薄荷精油,使汗液分泌得更暢快,排出身體深處的毒素。
5深呼吸。每次呼吸時,肺內都有殘餘的廢氣無法排出,這些廢氣相對於那些新鮮、富含氧氣的空氣來講,也是一種毒素。只需幾個深呼吸,就能減少體內廢氣的殘留。
●肺臟最佳排毒時間 肺臟最強的時間是早5點~7點,此時最好能夠通過運動排毒。在肺最有力的時候進行慢跑等有氧運動,能強健肺與大腸排出毒素的功能。
六、●如果腎臟有了毒素表現在
1.月經量少,或經期短,顏色暗。月經的產生和消失,都是腎功能是否旺盛的表現,如果腎臟中有很多毒素,經血就會減少。
2.水腫。毒素後,排出多餘液體的能力降低,就出現了水腫。
3.下頜長痘。臉部下頜部位由腎管轄,腎的排毒不足,多餘的毒素會表現在下頜部位。
4.容易疲倦。身體內的毒素消耗了腎的能量,腎臟提供的能量減少,於是出現體倦,神疲思睡,四肢無力。
●怎麼排毒更順暢
1.腎臟排毒食品:冬瓜。冬瓜富含汁液,進入人體後,會刺激腎臟增加尿液,排出體內的毒素。食用時可用冬瓜煲湯或清炒,味道盡量淡一些。
2.腎臟抗毒食品:山藥。 補很多髒器,但最終還是以補腎為主,經常吃山藥可以增強腎臟的排毒功能。拔絲山藥是很好的一種食用方法,用焦糖“炮製”過的山藥,補腎抗毒的功效會相應增強。
3.按壓肝臟排毒要穴:湧泉穴。這是人體最低的穴位,如果人體是一幢大樓,這個穴位就是排污下水管道的出口,經常按揉它,排毒效果明顯。湧泉穴位置在足底的前1/3處(計算時不包括足趾) 的力度,稍有感覺即可,以邊按邊揉為,持續5分鐘左右即可。
●腎臟最佳排毒時間 腎臟最適合排毒的時間是下午5~7點,要維護身體不缺水。
via

14 Strategies to Become a Happier Person

Billboard-worthy news: It's possible to amp up your bliss every single day. Discover the simple, unexpected strategies.
Sometime this morning, during your shower or at work, you probably did a mental run-through of your day. You decided when you'd tackle various tasks and errands. Perhaps you vowed to hit the gym at lunchtime. Maybe you plotted to get out of something (apologies, PTA meeting). The one thing you forgot to plan for: happiness.

With all the books on bliss and the mood-boosting technology that does everything for us but laugh, we expect happiness to show up on our doorstep, like a pizza. But we have to make it happen.

"When you're young, other people orchestrate your enjoyment of life," notes Barbara Fredrickson, PhD, a social psychologist, director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Lab at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of Positivity. "Your parents keep you entertained, and in college your friends make sure you're OK. But after that, the scaffolding of having a good day is taken away, and nobody is telling you how to provide that for yourself."

Also tricky: keeping the glee going when you have work to do, kids to raise, bills to pay and more work to do. Mercifully, big, costly, splashy events are not the ultimate bliss bringers. As people get older, they tend to find ordinary treats—such as a latte or a manicure—just as joy-inducing as extraordinary ones like an around-the-world cruise, found a 2014 study by researchers at Dartmouth and the University of Pennsylvania. With age, the authors speculate, we're more aware of how fleeting time is, so we're particularly likely to relish everyday bright spots.

What you won't find here: a step-by-step happiness guide. How draining would that be? Instead, we tapped top positive psychologists for easy ways to infuse your days with more pleasure. Consider this a pick-and-choose list; even doing just a few will help. Ready for more joy? Plan on it!

First up: Make it your goal
Although increasing happiness levels shouldn't feel like work, having a can-do mind-set really comes in handy. In a study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, people who were told to listen to music and attempt to feel happier had a greater boost in bliss over a two-week period than those instructed only to relax as they listened to the same upbeat tunes. It comes down to motivation: You can transform into more of a glass-half-full type.

While researchers believe that genetics are behind about 50 percent of the variation in happiness levels among you and your neighbors and that life circumstances account for maybe 10 percent, you're fully in charge of the rest. "A lot of people think you can't control happiness—you either have it or you don't—which is totally not true," stresses Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, professor of psychology at University of California, Riverside, and author of The Myths of Happiness. "It's like controlling your health. First you need to believe that you can do it before you take those first steps."

Know your own bliss
When was the last time you mulled over what truly brings you pleasure, aside from biggies like your partner and the kids? "A key to steering your own happiness is reflecting on the things that make you come alive," Fredrickson says. Perhaps it's been so long since you've done some of them that they've fallen off your radar. Make a list, if it helps. "Think back to what gave you joy in your younger years," says psychiatrist Stuart Brown, MD, founder of the National Institute for Play in Carmel Valley, Calif., and author of Play. Maybe you're not jamming on a guitar in your bedroom anymore, but "you can recall the carefree state," Dr. Brown says, "in which the outcome wasn't as important as what you were experiencing." You want to find what does that for you now and...

...Prioritize it
Sigh if this sounds familiar: You make a major effort to avoid future stress—say, staying up late to finish laundry so tomorrow will be a better day—only to suck your evening dry of all fun. Happiness researcher Robert Biswas-Diener, PhD, founder and managing director of the consulting firm Positive Acorn in Milwaukie, Ore., knows this treadmill effect well. He delivers a lecture regularly at Portland State University: "I give the students an hour off and tell them to do anything they want that's legal that will make them happy. Some have a hard time with it—they even do homework! What they say is, 'I'd be stressed if I didn't get that task done.' People think that working toward less stress will make them happier. That's a minor form of insanity."

In a get-stuff-done world, it's hard to avoid our efficiency instinct. The answer, then, is to focus on enjoyable stuff, along with the must-dos. "Don't fit joyful activities into your days—fit your days around them," Biswas-Diener urges. "Do you ever hear devoted church attendees say, 'Can we reschedule church because something came up?' You need to have that church mentality about whatever it is that gives you pleasure. If you say that your weeks are full, find the next blank spot in your calendar." Protect that sacred time from "nibblers" (otherwise known as your family), adds productivity consultant Julie Morgenstern, author of Time Management from the Inside Out: "Announce to everyone that it's your time to recharge your batteries." Tap a friend to make sure you use that time strictly for fun.

Smell the shower gel
The act of savoring—mining pleasant moments for their joy—is a proven happiness booster. In one study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, 101 men and women kept diaries for a month, recording positive activities they participated in and how much they did or didn't savor them. Those who tended to enjoy a good thing—and share their delight with others—maintained high levels of happiness no matter what the day brought, whereas nonappreciators needed positive events to get into a good mood. Savoring is a no-brainer—just tune in to your senses. Inhale that pinot grigio, feel the soft rug under your bare feet. "I leave a little time in the morning to savor my showers," Lyubomirsky says. "I go out of my way to buy gels with the best scents." You can even find ways to relish tasks; try running YouTube as you delete junk email. (Why hasn't anyone yet studied the happiness powers of panda videos?!)

Ration your time
Gold, natural gas and your attention: They're all scarce resources. Allocate wisely so you can max out time for pleasure, recommends Paul Dolan, PhD, in his new book Happiness By Design. "Every tweet, text or email distracts us from the good experiences and people in our lives," he says. Some research shows that heavy social media users are less merry than others. One study published in the scientific journal Plos One found that the more people went on Facebook, the more their life satisfaction levels declined. (Click: dis-like.)

Experts widely recommend electronic time-outs; shut off your phone for a couple of hours a night or do email-free Saturdays or Sundays. You also want to dump any activity that "should" make you happy but in reality doesn't, like the book club that picks crappy reads or an overly earnest yoga class. It's hard to walk away, Dolan acknowledges, "but you probably haven't regretted breaking joyless commitments in the past. Remember: Lost happiness is lost forever."

Think perky thoughts
On those days when you barely have time to breathe, recall something that made you happy and you can get a boost. In one study from Michigan State University, bus drivers who smiled as a result of thinking about a positive event, such as a child's recital, were in more upbeat moods than workers who fake-smiled. Science suggests that a full, genuine grin—one that involves facial muscles around the eyes—sparks a change in brain activity related to a good mood. So, yep: Say cheese.

Buy some happy
As any woman who has ever bought a trendy, overpriced accessory knows, the kick we get out of purchases wears off fast. However, spending on experiences (like tickets to a Broadway show) rather than things (another black sweater) creates lasting contentment—with one new caveat. A study co-authored by Ryan T. Howell, PhD, associate professor at San Francisco State University and director of its Personality and Well-Being Lab, found that people fail to get pleasure from objects or experiences if they're acquiring them mainly for bragging rights. That is, if you're more of a local-Thai-restaurant person and you plan a 40th-birthday blowout at Le Fancy Schmancy Bistro, you may get admiration on Facebook but miss out on feeling personal delight.

Play around in love
If the words Honey, take out the trash! are your idea of foreplay, you know that running our domestic lives sometimes saps the fun out of relationships. "Playfulness energizes both of you and gets your brains in sync," says Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD, a relationship therapist certified by the Gottman Institute in Seattle and founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, Texas. "It also lightens the vibe of a relationship and helps us manage the business of our lives—otherwise it's too much about dishes and bills." She likes to tell couples she works with, "I can help you fight better, but that's not nearly as effective as if I help you play better." One recent suggestion to busy parents of three: Zap each other more playful texts. "They'd send links to funny sites. Or he would text her at work, suggesting she imagine him naked," Meunier says. "The couple started looking forward to coming home instead of being grumpy. And they'd talk about the texts."

Have a bad-day backup plan
You have backup in case your electricity goes out, even if it's just a stockpile of flashlights. Time to come up with one in case your mood fails. Michele Phillips, a performance coach in Piermont, N.Y., and author of Happiness Is a Habit, has a group of friends who've dubbed themselves the Village. "I can call them anytime my day is going badly, and they will change my frame of mind," she says. She recalls sitting in a bar in Colorado after her divorce, feeling lonely and, she says, "like I had loser written on my forehead." She called a Village friend, "and she said, 'Look around: You're in Vail, skiing!' She helped me shift the thinking from 'poor me' to 'lucky me.'"

 
Find purpose in pleasure
For total happiness, you need a mix of activities that give you joy and a sense of meaning, what Dolan calls the pleasure-purpose principle. "If happiness were only about pleasure, what would be the point of having kids or helping others?" he says. "To be truly happy, we need feelings of purpose, too." Think volunteer work or taking a cooking class. The positive feelings that come from these sorts of activities can help train the brain's neurons to overcome its negativity bias. As neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD, explains in his book Hardwiring Happiness, the brain is all too good at remembering adverse experiences, which he traces to ancestors who had to focus on threats like predators in order to survive. But when you rack up feel-good experiences that give you a sense of achievement, they can serve as a buffer against the disappointing ones.

Think less "me" time, more "we" time
Truly sunny people have one thing in common, and it's got nothing to do with their paychecks, IQs or gender, Biswas-Diener says: They have plenty of good social relationships. These include interactions that psychologists refer to as social snacking—little ways of connecting with other human beings, including strangers. In one 2014 study by Nicholas Epley, PhD, professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and author of Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel and Want, participants heading to work by train either refrained from engaging with fellow passengers or made conversation. Chatty commuters—both introverts and extroverts alike—reported having the most pleasant commute. In another recent study co-authored by Elizabeth Dunn, PhD, at the University of British Columbia, people kept a running tab of social interactions with folks with whom they had either a strong or weak tie. Regardless of the type of person they connected with, they consistently felt more chipper on days when they mingled.

Yes, camaraderie is comforting—that feeling that we're all in this crazy world together. "But when you talk with strangers, there's also the pleasant surprise of finding stuff in common and sometimes the exhilaration of their opening up your world when they tell you something interesting you didn't know," Epley says. Surprisingly, having conversations with new people can even keep things upbeat at home. As Dunn puts it, "Trying to be pleasant and cheerful ends up improving your mood in ways you can't foresee."

Go off the grid
Weekend getaways continue to trend; cruise lines are even creating shorter jaunts for time-crunched travelers. And yet for deeper joy, you can't beat a long trip. "One of the biggest deterrents to happiness is that we adapt to our situations—you buy your house and it has a beautiful view, but at some point you stop deriving pleasure from it," Howell says. When you take only a quick journey, the elation spike is brief. How high you go! How quickly you return to reality! An extended vacation—even to somewhere familiar like a beach town three hours away from home—may create more impactful, lasting memories. And having a bank of them to tap into can add to happiness, research shows. So try to budget for a two-week trip. Even just planning gives you a boost: One study from the Netherlands indicated that the bliss of a trip can start months before it begins, owing to the anticipation.

Be nicer
Nobody is calling you evil, but committing to a few do-good gestures a day can increase your general level of contentment. "I've found that when people are told to try to do three to five acts of kindness a week, they get happier," Lyubomirsky reports. "It does not have to be a grand gesture, given that women are already doing so much caregiving. At the store, let someone get in line ahead of you. Give a compliment. Smile at someone." Or simply do something thoughtful for your significant other, she continues: "We just finished a study in which we asked someone to choose a person in her life to make happier, like her husband, three times a week. It also made the giver significantly happier."

Make Sunday future-fun day
One enjoyable thing you should do every weekend: Make plans for the next one. "The anticipation powers you through the workweek," Morgenstern says. The tactic also helps you avoid making passive, meh plans, like accepting the Saturday dinner invite from that couple you don't totally like just because you have nothing better on tap. Morgenstern has a formula for a blissful weekend: PEP (physical, escape, people). In other words, a mix of physical activities that energize you, escapist activities that relax you and people who inspire you. "It's a good framework for putting together weekends that leave you happy," she says. Not to mention entire happier weeks.

Reasons You're Always Tired

You make mountains out of molehills

If you assume that you're about to get fired when your boss calls you into an unexpected meeting, or you're too afraid to ride your bike because you worry you'll get into an accident, then you're guilty of "catastrophizing," or expecting that the worst-case scenario will always occur. This anxiety can paralyze you and make you mentally exhausted, says Levine. When you catch yourself having these thoughts, take a deep breath and ask yourself how likely it is that the worst really will happen. Getting outdoors, meditating, exercising, or sharing your concerns with a friend may help you better cope and become more realistic.

7 Habits of Chronically Unhappy People

Posted: Updated:
I often teach about happiness and what has become exceedingly clear is this: There are seven qualities chronically unhappy people have mastered.
According to Psychology Today, University of California researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky states: "40 percent of our capacity for happiness is within our power to change."
If this is true and it is, there's hope for us all. There are billions of people on our planet and clearly some are truly happy. The rest of us bounce back and forth between happiness and unhappiness depending on the day.
Throughout the years, I've learned there are certain traits and habits chronically unhappy people seem to have mastered. But before diving in with you, let me preface this and say: we all have bad days, even weeks when we fall down in all seven areas.
The difference between a happy and unhappy life is how often and how long we stay there.

Here are the 7 qualities of chronically unhappy people.

1. Your default belief is that life is hard.
Happy people know life can be hard and tend to bounce through hard times with an attitude of curiosity versus victimhood. They take responsibility for how they got themselves into a mess, and focus on getting themselves out of it as soon as possible.
Perseverance towards problem-solving versus complaining over circumstances is a symptom of a happy person. Unhappy people see themselves as victims of life and stay stuck in the "look what happened to me" attitude versus finding a way through and out the other side.
2. You believe most people can't be trusted.
I won't argue that healthy discernment is important, but most happy people are trusting of their fellow man. They believe in the good in people, versus assuming everyone is out to get them. Generally open and friendly towards people they meet, happy people foster a sense of community around themselves and meet new people with an open heart.
Unhappy people are distrustful of most people they meet and assume that strangers can't be trusted. Unfortunately this behavior slowly starts to close the door on any connection outside of an inner-circle and thwarts all chances of meeting new friends.
3. You concentrate on what's wrong in this world versus what's right.
There's plenty wrong with this world, no arguments here, yet unhappy people turn a blind eye to what's actually right in this world and instead focus on what's wrong. You can spot them a mile away, they'll be the ones complaining and responding to any positive attributes of our world with "yeah but".
Happy people are aware of global issues, but balance their concern with also seeing what's right. I like to call this keeping both eyes open. Unhappy people tend to close one eye towards anything good in this world in fear they might be distracted from what's wrong. Happy people keep it in perspective. They know our world has problems and they also keep an eye on what's right.
4. You compare yourself to others and harbor jealousy.
Unhappy people believe someone else's good fortune steals from their own. They believe there's not enough goodness to go around and constantly compare yours against theirs. This leads to jealousy and resentment.
Happy people know that your good luck and circumstance are merely signs of what they too can aspire to achieve. Happy people believe they carry a unique blueprint that can't be duplicated or stolen from -- by anyone on the planet. They believe in unlimited possibilities and don't get bogged down by thinking one person's good fortune limits their possible outcome in life.
5. You strive to control your life.
There's a difference between control and striving to achieve our goals. Happy people take steps daily to achieve their goals, but realize in the end, there's very little control over what life throws their way.
Unhappy people tend to micromanage in effort to control all outcomes and fall apart in dramatic display when life throws a wrench in their plan. Happy people can be just as focused, yet still have the ability to go with the flow and not melt down when life delivers a curve-ball.
The key here is to be goal-oriented and focused, but allow room for letting sh*t happen without falling apart when the best laid plans go awry- because they will. Going with the flow is what happy people have as plan B.
6 You consider your future with worry and fear.
There's only so much rent space between your ears. Unhappy people fill their thoughts with what could go wrong versus what might go right.
Happy people take on a healthy dose of delusion and allow themselves to daydream about what they'd like to have life unfold for them. Unhappy people fill that head space with constant worry and fear.
Happy people experience fear and worry, but make an important distinction between feeling it and living it. When fear or worry crosses a happy person's mind, they'll ask themselves if there's an action they can be taken to prevent their fear or worry from happening (there's responsibility again) and they take it. If not, they realize they're spinning in fear and they lay it down.
7. You fill your conversations with gossip and complaints.
Unhappy people like to live in the past. What's happened to them and life's hardships are their conversation of choice. When they run out of things to say, they'll turn to other people's lives and gossip.
Happy people live in the now and dream about the future. You can feel their positive vibe from across the room. They're excited about something they're working on, grateful for what they have and dreaming about the possibilities of life.
Obviously none of us are perfect. We're all going to swim in negative waters once in a while, but what matters is how long we stay there and how quickly we work to get ourselves out. Practicing positive habits daily is what sets happy people apart from unhappy people, not doing everything perfectly.
Walk, fall down, get back up again, repeat. It's in the getting back up again where all the difference resides.

8 Ancient Rules for Life We Should Still Follow

Old-school principles that can improve your outlook today.

2014年12月10日

自信,就是不要跟自己過不去




為什麼老跟自己過不去~

看了這篇心有所感,跟大家分享,真的很不錯的文章,

如文中所說,自己曾被教育體系徹底打敗,
其實,什麼叫「愛人如己」,真是深富哲理啊。

自信是「相信自己可以被愛,也能愛人」
最近聽到一句話,「上帝相信我們能,總是比我們相信自己還多!」
那時聽了真的熱淚盈眶啊!

自信,就是不要跟自己過不去

文 / 黑幼龍

我曾被教育體系打敗,以為自己是個處處不如人的孩子,
多年後,經過各種歷練與波折,我才知道,「自信」,其實只是「別跟自己過不去」。

卡內基最近針對台灣一千四百多位中學生作調查,其中有一個 問題是:你認為自己最缺乏什麼?
最高的一項是「缺乏自信」 ,約有七○%的人,對自己沒信心。

如果今天的調查結果是如此,那麼當我還是青少年時,情況更 嚴重。
我曾被教育體系打敗,以為自己一生從此完了,然而意 外地因為英文能力好,
被送到美國念書受訓,我的自信心才漸 漸回升。


在自信和自卑的交纏中受折磨

記得在一九六五年,我剛從美國受訓回來,有機會參加一個冬令營,參加的成員都是大學生。
在淡水的山上,大家圍在營火 旁聊天,我發現自己的見識、觀察和表達能力,
都不比其他學 生差,這是不是頗有自信之故?但是,當有人問我念哪個學校時,
我講不出口,還故做神祕地說:「你猜!」沒想到他說: 「不是念台大就是成大!」就這樣?

當別的年輕人正在盡情享受青春年華時,我卻在自信和自卑的交纏中受折磨。

一直到中年以後,我到美國進修碩士課程,跟教授、同學們討論各式各樣的問題,
我更確定自己的程度不比他們差,甚至有些地方更好。有次教育學考試後,
美國同學問我的成績,我說 是A。問他,他不好意思地說是B。
其實,那次考試全是申論題,學生必須洋洋灑灑寫出深刻的論點,才能得高分,
我是個外國人,使用陌生的文字與語言作答,本來應該是很吃虧的,
但是成績卻比美國學生更好,難怪同學會覺得不好意思。

從那一刻開始,分數對我再也不重要了;最重要的是,我的自信恢復了。

回憶過去,我們在青少年時期多半忙著準備升學,自信與否也建立在分數高低上面。
於是,成績平平的人,自信要從哪裡來 ?
就算成績再好,畢業了十年、二十年之後,不會再有人關心你念什麼學校,
那麼,你的自信又從何而來?

自信是什麼?這很難用一、兩句話說明,不過,卡內基有一位學員說得很好:
「自信,就是別跟自己過不去。」
這句話形容得很貼切,沒自信的人常覺得別人看不起他。
有些公司的高 階主管,如果知道員工把公文先送給別人看再呈給他,
就會拒絕批示,理由是:「這太看不起我了,應該先送來給我批示。」

這是很可惜的事,特別是對主管或領導人來說,缺乏自信的影響更大,
因為他可能因而用不到最好的人才。

辜濂淞曾說: 「領導人不見得比別人聰明,可是他會用比他聰明的人。
這句話背後所展現的,就是自信。
為什麼呢?因 為,領導人若能聽從旁人的建議,就不怕大權旁落或被別人騎 到頭上,
當然會有很多人才願意幫他工作。如果領導人自信心不夠,
只敢用跟他一樣能幹甚至能力差一點的人,那麼這家公司一定越來越糟糕。

你了解自己、愛自己嗎?
自信很強的人,有四種特質


第一、了解自己

一位美國紐約州的眾議員接受卡內基訓練後,記者問他感覺如何。這個議員低頭想了幾秒鐘,
說道:「我比以前更了解自己。」每個人都認為很了解自己,
但是自信心比較強的時候,你會清楚看見以前疏忽的一面,
怎麼說呢?以前多半只 注意自己的缺點,一旦多了自信,自己的毛病似乎不見了,
其實毛病不是憑空消失,而是因為你開始了解自己的優點何在。

第二、喜歡自己

聖經說的「愛人如己」,真是深富哲理。
如果你喜歡自己三 分,你也可以愛人三分,如果覺得自己一無是處,你看別人 也會一無是處。
怪不得缺乏自信的人這麼難纏,他們一天到 晚找別人麻煩,認為每個人都是負數。


第三、尊重自己

如果我們不喜歡自己,寶貴的自尊從何而來?
每個人都是世 界上獨一無二的。我總是對自己說,世上沒有第二個黑幼龍 ,
的確,世界上也沒有第二個你,所以你要有自尊,不要把 自己看扁了。


第四、為自己作主

自信的人為自己作決定、負責任、有擔當,預先規劃未來, 不必等別人告訴他怎麼做。


有自信就不必討好別人


大約二十年前,有一次我到嘉義演講,演講結束,有人從背後重重拍我的肩膀,
我正納悶這個人怎麼如此粗手粗腳,回 頭一看,是我當兵時的舊識。
於是,兩人高興地去吃宵夜, 聊起往事。

數年前,他有一次帶女朋友參加舞會,有個流氓硬要跟這位女孩跳舞,
他想展現英雄本色,兩個人就打了起來。他被打倒在地,那流氓用皮鞋踢他,
踢到他的臉變形,牙齒也掉了 。他覺得此仇不報非君子,於是天天練空手道,
終於成為黑帶高手,甚至有很多人找他學功夫,後來他乾脆開了家武術館。

講到這裡他停下來。我正覺得奇怪,他才接著說,他每次講到這裡,
別人都會問:「你現在空手道練得這麼強了,有沒 有去報仇?」
他說,他現在去揍那個人,八成只用一隻手就 夠了,但是聽了我的演講,
他反過來要問我:「我現在已經是師父了,還開了武術館,你可不可以告訴我,為什麼我卻不想去打他了?」


當時我還沒接觸卡內基訓練,也不知道答案,只不過聽得很 過癮就是了。現在回想起來,
我覺得是因為,他武術功夫這 麼棒,自信已經很強,不需要回去打那個人來證明自己的強 壯,
不必討好別人,也不必意氣用事。
的確,當人的自信心 強到某個程度後,一定會帶來類似我這位朋友的改變。


人生最美好的事

奇妙的是,自信不會因為你看相關的書或聽了演講而增強。
想增強自信,一定要克服恐懼。卡內基訓練並不是演講訓練,
但是在課程中,會要求每一個人上台說話,克服對聽眾的 恐懼。
只要能克服台前、台上的恐懼,你的自信就會增強, 更會蔓延、影響到其他層面。有懼高症的人,
可以藉由跳傘克服這個恐懼,於是建立了自信。這種自信也會正面影響到 你對人、對事情的信心。


大部份人都喜歡跟有自信的人在一起。
像我這樣的年紀,當 過老闆、職員、朋友、同事、父親、兒子、丈夫,經驗過各種人生角色,
我最喜歡的老闆、最喜歡的朋友、同事或顧客 ,都是有自信的人。

有自信的老闆不喜歡唯唯諾諾的員工,因為這樣的員工不能 提供不同的想法;
他也不會喜歡傲慢的部屬,因為他們常惹 是生非。
員工最喜歡的老闆,也是有自信的老闆,因為他不 需要用兇狠來維持權威;
談戀愛時,我們也都喜歡有自信的伴侶,不會裝作很酷、不理人,也不會像哈巴狗一樣黏著你。

擁有自信,真是一件美好的事,因為,自信能幫助我們活出 自己、實現自己。
















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