2. 抓住重點
在商業的世界裡，簡潔是金。（In the business world, brevity is gold.）
若你還在找尋重點當中掙扎，花點時間想想你要寫給誰看，並根據以下說明來為自己建立一套準則。
我寫作的原因是：
我想讓你知道的是：
我想要你做的是：
抓住這三個重點，讓自己在寫作時不會偏離正軌。
8. 使用魔力文字
“All I need from you right now.”（現在我只需要你給…） 把這些文字作為你回應的起頭。例如：「我很興奮你即將發表我們的年會主題。現在我只需要你給我演講標題、大頭照以及自傳。」
這些具有魔力的文字給予你的讀者一個清楚的指示，讓他們感到輕鬆。（只要這樣就好？沒問題。完成！）
One
weekend afternoon a couple of years ago, while turning a page of the
book I was reading to my daughters, I fell asleep. That’s when I knew it
was time to do something about my insomnia.
Data, not pills, was my path to relief.
Insomnia is common. About 30 percent
of adults report some symptoms of it, though less than half that figure
have all symptoms. Not all insomniacs are severely debilitated zombies.
Consistent sleeplessness
that causes some daytime problems is all it takes to be considered an
insomniac. Most function quite well, and the vast majority go untreated.
I
was one of the high-functioning insomniacs. In fact, part of my problem
was that I relished the extra time awake to work. My résumé is full of
accomplishments I owe, in part, to my insomnia. But it took a toll on my
mood, as well as my ability to make it through a children’s book.
Which
remedy would be best for me? Lunesta, Ambien, Restoril and other drugs
are promised by a barrage of ads to deliver sleep to minds that resist
it. Before I reached for the pills, I looked at the data.
Specifically,
for evidence-based guidance, I turned to comparative effectiveness
research. That’s the study of the effects of one therapy against another
therapy. This kind of head-to-head evaluation offers ideal data to help
patients and clinicians make informed treatment decisions. As obvious
as that seems, it’s not the norm. Most clinical drug trials, for
instance, compare a drug with a placebo, because that’s all that’s
required for F.D.A. approval. In recognition of this, in recent years more federal funding has become available for comparative effectiveness research.
When
it comes to insomnia, comparative effectiveness studies reveal that
sleep medications aren’t the best bet for a cure, despite what the
commercials say. Several clinical trials have found that they’re
outperformed by cognitive behavioral therapy. C.B.T. for insomnia (or
C.B.T.-I.) goes beyond the “sleep hygiene”
most people know, though many don’t employ — like avoiding alcohol or
caffeine near bedtime and reserving one’s bed for sleep (not reading or
watching TV, for example). C.B.T. adds — through therapy visits or via self-guided treatments
— sticking to a consistent wake time (even on weekends), relaxation
techniques and learning to rid oneself of negative attitudes and
thoughts about sleep.
One randomized trial
compared C.B.T. with the active ingredient in Restoril in patients 55
years and older, evaluating differences for up to two years. It found
that C.B.T. led to larger and more durable improvements in sleep.
Long-term, C.B.T. alone even outperformed the combination of C.B.T. and
Restoril.
Another trial
focused on 25- to 64-year-olds found that C.B.T. outperformed Ambien
alone. Adding Ambien to a C.B.T. regimen did not lead to further
improvements. Yet another trial
found that patients experienced greater relief from insomnia with
C.B.T. than with the sleep drug zopiclone. Patients report that they prefer C.B.T. for insomnia over drug therapy.
A systematic review
of C.B.T. for insomnia, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine on
Monday, quantifies how much relief it can provide. Combining data from
20 clinical trials, which included over 1,000 patients with chronic
insomnia, the authors calculated sleep improvements after C.B.T.
treatment, relative to no treatment. On average, treated patients fell
asleep almost 20 minutes faster and were awake in the night almost half
an hour less. The total amount of time that they were sleeping when in
bed increased by nearly 10 percent. These results are similar to or better than improvements from many sleep drugs, and lasted longer.
My experience is consistent with these averages. The C.B.T. treatment I received, through an online program recommended by my doctor,
also included keeping careful track of how much sleep I got each night.
This proved very helpful. It demonstrated progress — the nights in
which I got only four or five hours of sleep became less common, and, on
average, my nights of sleep lengthened by 30 minutes. My sleep log also
helped me be more objective. Many nights I might have considered “bad” —
and fretted over — were ones in which I got only one hour less sleep
than my target of seven hours. Recognizing that’s not really so bad
helped me relax, and relaxing helped me get more and better sleep.
Improvements like mine and those reported in the study
bring sleep statistics for those with insomnia quite close to those
without it. This further emphasizes the point that many insomniacs
aren’t that different from normal sleepers. Many sleep fine most nights,
but also have more frequent nights of insufficient sleep than normal
sleepers would experience. A big part of the difference may be how
insomniacs perceive their sleep performance and the negative messages
they give themselves about their poor sleep and how it will affect their
daily lives.
C.B.T.
practitioners learn that if you label a night of sleep “bad” and expect
a bad day to follow a bad night of sleep, you’re more likely to get it,
as well as more likely to be anxious the next time you attempt to
sleep. In this way, unless exacerbated by physical causes — like sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome
— insomnia is a condition of the mind that then infects the body. Like a
patch on faulty software, C.B.T. reorients one’s thinking and behavior
so that sleep is first thought to be, and then soon after actually is, a
more positive experience. Drugs, on the other hand, just treat
insomniacs’ symptoms without addressing the underlying cause, which is
why the relief they provide may be less durable.
For me, and many patients, C.B.T. works.
And as studies show, it works better than drugs. That moment with my
children, a couple of years ago, was the last time I fell asleep reading
to them.
Change these simple, everyday routines to live a happier life
Depression is usually brought on by factors beyond our control—the
death of a loved one, a job loss, or financial troubles. But the small
choices you make every day may also affect your mood more than you may
realize. Your social media habits, exercise routine, and even the way
you walk may be sucking the happiness out of your day, and you may not
even know it. Luckily, these behaviors can be changed. Read on for 12
ways you’re sabotaging your good moods, and what you can do to turn it
around.
1. You slouch when you walk
How we feel can affect the way we walk, but the inverse is also true, finds a study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry.
Researchers found that when subjects were asked to walk with shoulders
slouched, hunched over, and with minimum arm movements, they experienced
worse moods than those who had more pep in their steps. What’s more,
participants who walked in the slouchy style remembered more negative
things rather than positive things. Talk about depressing. Get happy now: Lift your chin up and roll your shoulders back to keep your outlook on the positive side.
2. You take pictures of EVERYTHING
Instagram queens, listen up. Haphazardly snapping pictures may hamper
how you remember those moments, according to a study published in Psychological Science.
In the study, participants took a museum tour, observing some objects
and snapping pics of others. Afterward, they had a harder time
remembering the items they photographed compared with the ones they
looked at. “The lens is a veil in front of your eyes and we don’t
realize it’s there,” says Diedra L. Clay, PsyD, chair and associate
professor of the counseling and health psychology department at Bastyr
University in Kenmore, Wash. Get happy now: Focus on your subjects when
taking pictures—or, better yet, just sit back and enjoy yourself. Soak
up the beauty and participate in the action. These are the things the
will make you mentally stronger, says Clay.
3. You’re letting a bully get the best of you
Bullying doesn’t end when you leave school. Approximately 54 million
workers, or 35% of U.S. employees, are targeted by a bully at some point
in their careers, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute. More
than 70% of people have witnessed a workplace bully, says Erin K.
Leonard, PhD, a practicing psychotherapist and author of the book, Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic Relationship.
“Being attacked maliciously in the place of pride and self-esteem
continuously, it can be devastating. It makes you emotional volatile so
that it is even difficult to get up and go work.” Get happy now: The Workplace Bullying
Institute recommends you first make an appointment with your doctor to
discuss your physical and mental health. Then, after you’ve carefully
documented as many of your interactions as possible, follow the
organization’s three-step action plan.
4. You don’t exercise
Consider this: If you become more active three times a week, your
risk of being depressed decreases 19%, according to a new study in JAMA Psychiatry.
After following more than 11,000 people born in 1958 up until the age
of 50, and recording depressive symptoms and levels of physical activity
at regular intervals, University College London researchers found a
correlation between physical activity and depression. People who were
depressed were less likely to be active, while those who were active
were less likely to be depressed. In fact, for every time they were
active, depression risk decreased 6%. Get happy now: Just get out and move. It
doesn’t need to be for long—walking to errands if possible, taking the
stairs—but any activity will help keep your mind moving.
5. You procrastinate
Think about a task you’ve been putting off. If the reason is because
it’s boring or you just don’t feel like doing it, well, we can’t help
you there. But if you’re avoiding the task because it makes you anxious
or because you’re afraid of failing, then procrastinating just makes
completing it more nerve-wracking. Get happy now: Before you finally tackle
your problem head-on, do something that helps you ease stress: listen to
music, go for a run, Leonard suggests engaging in an activity that
helps disintegrate the anxiety. This way you can insert a bit of fun
into it, instead of stress.
6. You’re in a toxic relationship
“I have many clients suffering from anxiety and depression not
realize it’s because of a toxic relationship,” Leonard says. “It eats
away their self-esteem. Their partners have them believing that they are
incompetent, or selfish. Sometimes it takes years for people to realize
that their depression and their anxiety comes from their relationships
and that they have been dismantled.” Get happy now: You may need some help with
this one. First, read up on the signs that your partner may be abusive.
Then, consult either a professional, a family member, or a close friend
to help you recognize the signs. 7. You take life too seriously
You trip on a crack in the sidewalk, and instead of shrugging it off,
you cower with embarrassment. If that sounds like you, it’s time to
find some ways to laugh more. “There are many studies showing the
benefits of laughter on our health and this includes mental health,”
Leonard says. “Laughter is the fast medicine for anxiety and
depression.” Get happy now: Seek out humor every day.
Watch a funny TV show, listen to the Laugh USA channel on SiriusXM
Radio, or spend time with friends who make you smile. You could even try
volunteering with kids—they really do say the darndest things.
8. You don’t sleep
“Sleep affects everything,” says Diedra L. Clay, PsyD, chair and
associate professor of the counseling and health psychology department
at Bastyr University, “emotional and mental capabilities, as well as our
bodies’ functioning. Sleep is our bodies way of regenerating and
without it the system malfunctions.” Get happy now: Try to figure out why you aren’t sleeping and then take the steps to create a restful environment.
9. You’re never alone
Between kids, work, marriage, and other activities, you can’t find a
moment to be alone (and locking yourself in the bathroom doesn’t count).
Leonard stresses the importance of finding time for yourself, whether
it is 10 minutes, an hour, or a day. Without taking the time to do
things for you, depression and anxiety creep in, says Leonard. Get happy now: Schedule an appointment for you time. And more importantly, keep it.
10. You don’t actually talk to anyone
If you primarily use texting, Facebook, and other social media to
stay in touch with friends, you’re not having meaningful contact—and
chatting up the Starbucks barista every morning doesn’t count. “Facebook
pages are entertainment,” Clay says. “These are not true conversations
that allow us to understand people. Instead, it lessens our experiences
and feelings.” Michael Mantell, PhD, a behavioral sciences coach based
in San Diego, Calif., agrees. “Personal electronics (like smartphones)
have also impacted attention, demands for immediate gratification, and
expectations that the press of a button can lead to instantaneous
connection,” Mantell says. “We have also learned to not have
face-to-face connections, only virtual. This impacts our ability and
interest in sitting in the same room with someone, and actually talk
with people face-to-face.” Get happy now: “At the end of or lives, the
number of followers we have doesn’t matter,” Clay says. “But friends
do.” Make sure to schedule a date with a friend, family member, or
partner at least once week.
11. You can’t live without your mobile phone
When was the last time that you were completely electronic-device
free? Can’t remember? Not a good sign. “With all the devices we have, it
tends to overstimulate us,” Clay says. “And if we are always on, then
we never truly rest and regenerate our bodies and our minds.”
Eventually, this can manifest itself as depression or anxiety. Get happy now: Create an electronic Sabbath, where you abstain from all devices once a week, even if just for half a day.
12. You multitask
We’re all guilty of multitasking: we take lunch at our desks, scroll
through Facebook while watching TV, and text pretty much constantly.
Research shows that although many people believe they’re being more
productive by multitasking, that’s not actually the case—it just leaves
us stressed out, oblivious to our surroundings, and unable to
communicate effectively. Get happy now: It’s simple, really: put
down the phone, turn off the television, and pay attention to what you
are doing and what is going on around you. Allowing your brain to
process everything that is happening to you in real time (and not
broadcasting it to your social media followers) may be the best thing
you can do for your mental health. This article originally appeared on Health.com
If you wake up every morning and feel like “the thrill is gone,” you
may have a dopamine deficiency. Dopamine is the main brain chemical
responsible for making us feel motivated. Low levels of dopamine can
manifest in some very disruptive ways. It can leave you feeling
fatigued, apathetic, moody and unable to concentrate. Just as
importantly, it plays a role in many mental disorders including
depression, addiction of all kinds, Parkinson’s disease, ADHD, and
schizophrenia. Understanding how dopamine affects your life is a key to
taking control of this neurotransmitter — instead of letting it take
control of you. What Is Dopamine?
Dopamine is considered one of the “feel good” neurotransmitters,
along with serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. It has several distinct
major functions. It’s been called the “motivation molecule” for
providing the drive and focus you need to be productive. It’s also been
called the “reward chemical” since it’s in charge of your brain’s
pleasure-reward system (1, 2).
Dopamine plays a role in numerous brain functions involving mood,
sleep, learning, the ability to focus and concentrate, motor control,
and working memory.
What Does Dopamine Do?
Understanding dopamine’s functions is a work in progress. Over
110,000 research papers have been written about it, yet scientists are
still trying to determine exactly what it does (3).
Here are some of the known functions of dopamine: Dopamine is crucial
to the feeling of motivation you need to work towards both long-term and
short-term goals. It delivers a feeling of satisfaction when you’ve
accomplished what you set out to do. Dopamine is released when your
needs are about to be met (4).
Dopamine helped our ancestors survive by giving them an energy boost
when presented with a great opportunity, such as locating a new source
of food. You wouldn’t think we’d need to be motivated to find food, yet
alarmingly, lab mice with dopamine deficiency are so unmotivated they
starve to death — even when food is readily available (5).
Our modern lifestyle doesn’t provide the same opportunities for
dopamine boosts that our ancestors experienced, like hunting down
dinner. But we still seek dopamine because of the way it makes us feel —
alive and excited.
There are both healthy and unhealthy ways to get a dopamine lift. You
can boost your dopamine watching or playing sports, learning something
new, finishing a project, or landing a new account at work. Any form of
accomplishment that gives you that “Yes, I did it!” feeling will increase dopamine. The unhealthy way to stimulate dopamine production is with addictive substances of all kinds. Low Dopamine Symptoms
Dopamine deficiency sucks the zest out of life. It can leave you
feeling apathetic, hopeless, and joyless. It makes it hard to start
things and even harder to finish them. Common low dopamine symptoms
include:
Dopamine Deficiency Related Disorders
When dopamine levels are out of balance, they can be an important
factor in many mental health and other systemic disorders. Here are some
of the most common conditions that have a dopamine deficiency
connection. Low Dopamine And Depression
Depression is usually thought of as due to a lack of serotonin,
another “feel good” brain chemical. But there’s a growing body of
evidence that dopamine deficiency is the underlying cause of depression
for many people instead. This explains why selective serotonin reuptake
inhibitors (SSRIs) — depression medications that work by increasing
serotonin — work for only 40 percent of those who use them (6).
Bupropion (Wellbutrin) is an antidepressant that works by addressing
low dopamine for those who have not been helped by SSRIs (7).
There’s a difference in the symptoms of depression experienced by those
with serotonin versus dopamine deficiency. Dopamine-based depression
expresses itself as lethargy and lack of enjoyment of life, while
serotonin-based depression tends to be accompanied by anxiety (8). The Dopamine Addiction Connection
People low in dopamine are more prone to addictions of all kinds (9).
People with dopamine addictions often rely on caffeine, sugar, smoking,
or other stimulants to boost their energy, focus, and drive. What they
are really doing is self-medicating to increase their dopamine
levels. Using self-destructive behaviors to overcome dopamine deficiency
can lead to addictions of all kinds — video games, shopping, gambling,
sex, money, power, alcohol, and drugs. Dopamine And Parkinson’s Disease
When dopamine-generating brain cells in one specific part of the
brain die, it leads to Parkinson’s, a progressive neurodegenerative
disease. Parkinson’s usually starts with a slight tremor in one hand.
Patients gradually lose their ability to regulate their movements and
emotions (10). There is no cure but so far the most effective treatment is levodopa, a natural compound that converts into dopamine (11). ADHD And Dopamine
The underlying cause of ADHD
is still unknown. But it is widely accepted that the root cause of ADHD
is probably an abnormality in dopamine function. This seems logical
since dopamine is critical for maintaining focus. Most ADHD medications
are based on the “dopamine deficiency” theory. Prescription medications
used to treat ADHD are believed to work by increasing the release of
dopamine and norepinephrine while slowing down their rate of
reabsorption (12). Schizophrenia And Dopamine
The cause of schizophrenia is unknown, but genetics and environmental factors are believed to play a role (13). One prevailing theory is that it’s caused by an overactive dopamine system (14, 15).
Supporting evidence for this theory is that the best drugs to treat
schizophrenia symptoms resemble dopamine and block dopamine receptors (16). However, these medications can take days to work, which indicates that the exact mechanism is not yet fully understood (17). Dopamine Deficiency Symptoms In Fibromyalgia And Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Both fibromyalgia (FMS) and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) are associated with low dopamine levels (18). Low dopamine symptoms experienced by FMS and CFS patients include brain fog, achy muscles, poor concentration, tremors, poor balance and coordination, and walking abnormalities. How To Increase Dopamine Levels Naturally
If you experience signs of low dopamine, you don’t have to live with
it. There are several lifestyle changes that can increase dopamine
naturally.
Dopamine Foods
The amino acid tyrosine is a precursor of dopamine. Tyrosine-rich
foods provide the basic building blocks for dopamine production.
Phenylalanine is an amino acid that converts into tyrosine.
Virtually all animal products are good sources of both tyrosine and
phenylalanine. Here are some other foods known to increase dopamine (19,20,21,22):
Dopamine Supplements
Dopamine is a serious medicine used in emergency situations like
heart attacks and shock. So while actual dopamine supplements are not
available, there are many dopamine boosting supplements
you can try. The most obvious dopamine supplement to consider is
l-tyrosine. Without it, you can’t make dopamine. Even if you think you
get plenty of l-tyrosine in your diet, you may not be converting it
effectively.
There are several forms of tyrosine supplements available. Dopamine
used by the brain must be produced in the brain, so it’s important that
any dopamine enhancing supplement you take gets into the brain. That’s
why we recommend acetyl-l-tyrosine, an absorbable form that can readily cross the blood-brain barrier (23). Next, look into vitamin D, magnesium, and omega-3 essential fatty acids. Deficiencies of all three are extremely common, and each can contribute to dopamine deficiency (24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29). Lastly, you can look into taking a dopamine enhancing supplement. Here are some supplements proven to increase dopamine:
Some dopamine supplements contain phenylethylamine, the precursor of
tyrosine, but we don’t recommend them. Phenylethylamine is pretty
useless for increasing dopamine levels. Once it reaches your brain it
has a half-life of only 30 seconds (37, 38). Activities That Boost Dopamine Levels
Any activity that makes you feel happy and relaxed increases
dopamine. Physical exercise increases dopamine and other feel-good
neurotransmitters and is responsible for what’s known as “runner’s high”
(39). Get a therapeutic massage. It can boost dopamine by over 30 percent (40). Meditation increases dopamine. So do mind-focusing hobbies like knitting, home repair, gardening, painting, photography, or woodworking (41, 42). Playing and listening to music you enjoy releases dopamine (43).
Engage in “seeking and finding” activities. This emulates the hunt that
provided our ancestors with their dopamine boosts. Take on new
challenges and set small milestones. Accomplishing goals, even small
ones, trains your brain to release dopamine.
Overcoming Dopamine Deficiency: The Bottom Line
Dopamine deficiency can sap the joy from life. It also plays a role
in many mental health conditions, including depression and addictive
behaviors. Make appropriate lifestyle changes to increase your dopamine
levels.
Emails
are the currency of business communication in today's world. And
although there are screens and wires between senders and receivers,
maintaining proper courtesy and etiquette is still important. Rambling
on and on or typing irrelevant phrases is just as bad as verbally
spouting out gibberish in front of clients or managers. Improving your communications skills in this way is essential if you want to succeed in business.
Over 100 billion emails
are sent each day, and the average time spent reading each one is 15-20
seconds. Keep it short, especially since 65 percent of all email is
opened first on a smaller mobile screen. One way to ensure your message
is received--and that your reputation isn't compromised in the
process--is to eliminate these 10 meaningless phrases from your emails
immediately.
1. "Please be advised ..."
This phrase is often used because it sounds professional, but it is
always unnecessary. Instead, be direct and concise. If you're taking the
time to write an email, the recipient already knows that your intent is
to inform them of something. Telling them you're going to do so is
subconsciously insulting their intelligence.
2. "Please do not hesitate to contact me ..."
When you use this phrase, you're once again stating the obvious.
People will contact you if they're interested in what you sent, or if
they have a question regarding your message. Since they can exercise
their digital freedom of speech on their own, they don't need to you to
invite them or grant them access to respond.
3. "I just ..."
Recently, Ellen Leanse, founder of Karmahacks, ruffled a few feathers
when she called out women's overuse of the word "just" in professional
communications. In a post on LinkedIn, Leanse argues against the word--which she claims women use three to four times more frequently than men--saying:
I began to notice that "just" wasn't about being polite: it was a
subtle message of subordination, of deference. Sometimes it was
self-effacing. Sometimes even duplicitous. As I started really
listening, I realized that striking it from a phrase almost always
clarified and strengthened the message.
Whether you agree with her conclusions or not (and several other prominent voices disagree), her discussion of "just" as a "child" word, according to the Transactional Analysis
model published by Eric Berne, deserves some exploration. In the
meantime, steer away from this phrase and choose more definitive
language instead.
4. "I think ..."
Senders often include "I think ..." to minimize the potential blow of
future rejection, but in using this phrase, you're telling the
recipient that you aren't sure of yourself. Whenever you're
communicating--in emails or in real life--you need to appear confident
with your message. If you don't, you risk the recipient's disregarding
your opinion and moving forward with a different idea. Portraying confidence in the workplace is a key to success.
5. "Enclosed please find …" or "Attached please find …"
It may seem minor, but nothing can actually be enclosed in an email.
Files can be attached, but nothing can be actually placed within an
email. In using either of these phrases, the writer avoids using the
pronoun "I," but it makes the sentence sound archaic. Simply inform the
reader, "I have attached..."
6. "I hope you are well ..."
This phrase is usually written on two occasions. In one instance, it
appears right before you hit the recipient with something that's
undesirable. The other is when you want to feign a close relationship
with or genuine interest in someone when there is none. If you're
genuinely interested in someone's well-being, talk about it directly
rather than using this filler phrase.
7. "I thought I would reach out ..."
I don't know about you, but this phrase makes me picture a toddler
grasping at something out of reach from the restraints of a car seat. It
also seems very timid and portrays insecurity. Instead, simply write
out your message or question and be direct. Rather than saying "I
thought I would reach out," say "I'd like to treat you to lunch to
discuss my business idea." Beating around the bush does nobody any
favors. Instead, make your intent clear for the recipient to see.
8. "Can I pick your brain?"
This basically tells whomever you're sending a message to that you
want to take up his or her time without offering anything of value in
return. Instead, make a point to share an interesting or helpful insight
with the recipient, letting that person know that you desire a two-way
street of collaboration between the two of you in the future.
When I line up speaking engagements, I found that this blunt approach
worked best--resulting in a 52 percent success rate at getting a
follow-up message, compared with a 20-27 percent response rate with the
other methods I tried.
9. "To Whom It May Concern ..."
There are a few scenarios where this phrase is appropriate, but
they're few and far between. If you know whom your message concerns,
address that person directly instead of hiding behind this introduction.
Using the above phrase instead of naming the individual makes you seem
unconfident and unnecessarily formal. Hit the delete button before you
send an email that includes these words.
10. "Sincerely Yours ..."
In the past, this phrase was a popular shortening
of more affected closings, but in today's email communication, it
sounds very formal and insincere. Generally, you can close an email with
a simple "Thank you" or just your name. "Cheers" is another fun option
that conveys well-wishes without coming across as stuffy or stuck up.
These days, we all understand when a message has ended. There's no need
to go to great lengths with a formal closing.
Step up to the plate and write better email. Your colleagues will
appreciate the brevity of your messages, and you'll get a better
response when your requests are clearer. There's no need for fluff and
filler in email. Simply say what you mean. The results will speak for
themselves. What phrases annoy you the most in email? Share your biggest email pet peeves in the comments below.
We've all had days that involve a cascade of things going wrong: Your
car breaks down, you wait two hours at the doctor's office, a
nonsensical policy change is announced at work, you sit on your glasses,
and you start making dinner and realize you're missing an essential
ingredient.
Here are five ways to cope when annoyances accumulate and begin to weigh you down. 1. Set an intention to be gentle with yourself.
When you're feeling battered around by the winds of luck, you're
going to need some self-nurturing. Set an intention that you're going to
be kind to yourself while you're waiting for the universe to start
dishing out some kindness again. 2. Treat yourself.
A dose of positive emotion will increase your resilience
during stressful days. Know yourself well enough that you have a short
mental (or written) list of simple things you enjoy that reliably boost
your mood. Examples:
Buying a food you like but that you don't buy often. This could
involve anything from a trip to your favorite food truck to buying
yourself a bag of cherries at the store.
Getting a foot massage on the way home from work.
Buying a nice bath product, or just using something you already own.
Dropping into the library on the way home from work, or downloading a new novel for your Kindle.
As a self-test, try to come up with five things now that
reliably boost your mood. They need to be simple and under your control
(e.g., "sunny days" isn't going to work since you can't personally
create one of those.) If you find this hard, note whatever you can and
add to it when something pops into your mind. 3. Get something small done that's on your own agenda.
Positive mood comes from a combination of pleasure and a sense of
mastery (feeling you're competent and can get things done). These both
go out the window on bad days because having a run of bad luck usually
feels frustrating, demoralizing, and out of control.
Find something you can get done that will ensure the day isn't
totally unproductive. It's a skill to be able to identify quick
mastery tasks that feel achievable no matter what else you have going
on. The more you practice, the better you'll get at it. Examples:
Putting a hook on your wall so that you don't keep losing your keys.
Dividing a big bag of junk food into single-serving bags so you don't overeat.
Finally backing up the precious photos or videos that are on your phone.
Testing/changing the batteries on your smoke detectors.
Anything else that gives you a sense of basic competence and helps you regain a feeling of control.
4. Recognize the impact of stressful events.
When I worked as a therapist, clients would frequently overlook or
underestimate the impact of stressful events and frustrations on their
mood. It's a lot easier to cope with one isolated incident than it is to
cope with a series of blows that come in quick succession. If you're
feeling down or overwhelmed, it can help to recognize that many of the
causes of your stress are temporary, one-off events, or random incidents of bad luck.
Have you been told you’re too picky? Those were the words that
launched a thousand chocolate-bar wrappers when I was searching for a
mate. Some told me I would never find what I wanted: I needed to settle,
or I’d be single forever.
Yet in my experience, most people’s standards aren’t too high; they’re too low.
If I had to summarize over 60 years of excellent relationship research in just one sentence, that sentence would be:
If you can find and be someone kind and respectful, your relationship will probably work; and if you can’t, it won’t.
In practical terms, this means no haters. Research clearly shows that relationships can’t survive happily without kindness. Kindness sets down deep roots to keep love alive even when winter comes; but every season is bleak without it.
Kind people treat others well regardless of what type of day they are
having, or whether they’re falling behind at work, etc. They don’t need
an excuse to be kind, and they don’t take bad times as excuses not to
be. They are kind as a matter of course, because it is part of their
ethical or moral
code to be that way—not because they are feeling good at that moment,
and not because other people do or don’t make them happy. For them,
kindness is a lifestyle, a way of being.
They avoid being mean-spirited even when they are interacting with
people they don’t necessarily like or agree with. They might disagree
agreeably, or choose to set boundaries so they’re not around those folks
too often; but when they must be in their presence, kind people are
careful, not cruel. Successful relationships require a lot of self-control, and kind people practice it.
Embracing these two standards also means no chronic criticizers.
Again, decades of research underscore that getting and giving basic respect
is a necessity, not a nicety. Respect can create love where there was
none, but habitual character assassination will eventually kill even the
most fervent romance.
As with kindness, you should look for and require a partner who is respectful toward everyone—not
just you. Such people affirm others’ worth in words and deeds even when
things don’t go their way. They speak well of others, and when that’s
not possible, they either say nothing, or speak their truth without
hate.
What does this look like? Here are two examples from my own search:
When I was dating
online, I sometimes met men who were an amazingly good match—on pixels.
"Dennis" (not his real name) was one. We shared the same faith, politics, and interests. We both enjoyed reading and writing. We even lived near one another, and were single-parenting. I thought he was charming online, so when he suggested we meet for coffee, I was excited.
We pulled our chairs up to the table, and I did something I teach my
clients: I looked him in the eye, smiled, leaned towards him, and asked
open-ended questions. “What are your girls up to today? How’s the
single-parenting gig going?”
What he shot back shocked me. I can’t even quote you what he said, because I have tried to blot it from memory.
But it amounted to a very long story of how much he hated his ex-wife,
what a horrendous person and parent she was, what a hero he was for
allowing her to continue breathing oxygen…The sarcasm, contempt, and anger
made me feel like running for my life. The chip on his shoulder grew
into a boulder before my very eyes. Stunned, and wondering if his wounds
were fresh, I asked, “Wow, it sounds like you’ve had an awful time
trying to parent with her. How long ago was the divorce?”
Ten years.
I never saw Dennis again—by design. His behavior was extremely
disrespectful to the mother of his children. He was not kind to her
memory, nor was he making an effort to be. He was consumed by anger and a
desire for revenge, and his hate was ruining his life—and made mine miserable even for the hour we spent together.
But had he been speaking of a stranger, the disrespect would still have been a deal-breaker.
Contrast that with my first lengthy talk with Vic: “So, you divorced
not too long ago. How were things before? What’s your relationship like
with your ex now?” I will never forget his response: “We’ve had our
troubles, and the divorce was really hard. But in our child’s interest,
we’ve been able to put a lot of our differences aside. I think we’re
moving toward a good working relationship.”
I later learned that they’d had an awful divorce, with over a
decade of pain beforehand. And the only way they found peace afterwards
was by interacting as little as possible. But those interactions were,
as a rule, respectful. And Vic’s response to my question was kind and
respectful—not just to me, but to his ex.
I was impressed then. And I still am: We are married.
The upshot? If you can be kind and respectful, it is reasonable to
expect to find someone else who can be, too. The world is brim-full with
good people like you. Time to find one.
When it comes to our own happiness,
many of us are familiar with the pattern of taking two steps forward,
one step back. For example, if we want to lose weight, we may find that
after having some success, which makes us happy, we drift up to a higher
weight than we started at. If we find a new activity which fills us
with joy, like hiking or yoga, we may realize months later that we have
not made any time for doing it. We may even start a new friendship with someone we really enjoy, yet we soon find that we are somehow too “busy” to fit them into our schedule. If we fall in love,
we start making excuses to pull away. And if we succeed in one area, we
find ourselves sabotaging ourselves in another. When these instances
occur, we often tend to blame circumstances or sheer bad luck. In
reality, we are all—to varying degrees—intolerant of our own happiness.
In her bestselling book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, author and nurse Bronnie Ware reported that one of the most common regrets people have at the end of their lives is that they wish they’d let themselves be happier. This response indicates that people felt that while attaining their happiness was in their control, they somehow didn’t allow themselves to do the things that would make them happy.
Why might this be?
Many of us are more self-denying than we realize. We tend to think
that pursuing the things that light us up is selfish or irresponsible.
We all have moments when we listen to an internal critic that encourages
us not to set goals or expect too much for ourselves and our lives. This “critical inner voice (link is external)”
is actually triggered when we take steps forward. It reminds us to stay
in our place and not to venture out of our comfort zone.
The reasons we harbor these dark, self-sabotaging thoughts are
complex, but they lie at the root of much of our maladaptive behavior.
By understanding
why we listen to this critic and take actions that defeat
our wellbeing, we can gain a stronger foothold in overcoming these
obstacles and allowing ourselves to be open to our own happiness.
Here are the 5 most common reasons we don’t let ourselves have what we most: 1. It disrupts our sense of identity.
No matter how negative our self-perception may be, like a heavy
blanket, it can feel familiar, comfortable, and safe. If we start to
develop or change ourselves in some way that counters our cruel
self-attacks, we can start to feel extremely uncomfortable and anxious.
It can feel scary to surpass the way we’ve previously seen ourselves
or been seen.
Our critical inner voice is built on old attitudes we were exposed
to, usually very early in our lives. Negative ways we were viewed in our
family or the ways people around us saw themselves seeped into our
consciousness. As adults, we self-parent by maintaining these old attitudes and failing to differentiate (link is external) from destructive early influences. Yet, methods exist
for differentiating ourselves to become our own unique person with a
strong sense of self. 2. It challenges our defenses.
Our defenses (link is external) are like armor we built against whatever hurt us. If we had an absent or rejecting parent or caretaker,
we may make a vow to never let anyone too close. If we were often
mistreated, punished or misunderstood, we may feel scared to stand out,
succeed, or be noticed. We build defenses to adapt to undesirable
elements of our early environment,
but when we grow up and are in a new situation as adults, these
behaviors and patterns are often no longer adaptive. We may find it hard
to maintain intimate relationships or to excel in our careers. We may self-sabotage
in countless ways by failing to challenge our defenses. We may even
unconsciously seek out situations that were similar to those we
experienced growing up, for example, finding a partner who reminds us of
someone from our past. We may recreate dynamics from our childhood
that, although unpleasant, are familiar and fit with our defenses. If
we take the risk and drop our defenses, we make it more likely we will
achieve true happiness. 3. It causes us anxiety.
Going after what we want makes us feel more anxious and alive. When
we act against our critical inner voice and break with our defenses, we
tend to feel pretty stirred up at first. The voice in our head gets
louder, and our desire to act against our own interest gets stronger. In
these moments, giving up can actually soothe our anxiety by returning us to what’s comfortable and familiar. Yet, it isn’t long before we punish ourselves for messing up. Our inner critic becomes like a sadistic coach, and the self-destructive cycle starts again.
It’s helpful to realize that any effort to change is likely to be met
with anxiety. If we hang in there and sweat through this uncomfortable
feeling, however, the anxiety will subside. The way to deal with our
anxiety is to overcome it by ignoring our inner critic and continuing to
take those steps forward. 4. It stirs up guilt.
Choosing to be happy in the present can represent a break from our
past, particularly when we are challenging defenses and choosing a
different life for ourselves. It’s very common to feel guilty to be our
own separate person and especially to surpass people from our past.
Breaking a point of identity can shatter what my father, psychologist Robert Firestone (link is external) described as a “fantasy bond (link is external),”
which we experienced with influential figures in our upbringing. Even a
parent who was hurtful to us in many ways was someone we once depended
on for survival. Therefore, it may have been more favorable to maintain a
fantasy that we were connected to them in some way. This can
be frightening to break later in life.
Recent studies have shown that there are very strong links between a
parent’s happiness and their children’s, even long after the child has
grown up, moved away or entered into a relationship. This correlation
illustrates how powerful this sense of connection can be and calls to
question the role of guilt in
surpassing a parent. If we push past our guilt and achieve more
happiness than our parent, it will make us feel alone, but free. 5. It forces us to face pain.
Psychologist Pat Love (link is external)
once said that “when you long for something like love, it becomes
associated with pain.” In many ways, getting what we want makes us feel
pain and sadness, because it reminds us of something we didn’t get in
our past. New, positive experiences can open up old wounds. In an often
unexpected way, times when we are chosen can make us feel the sadness of
times we were rejected. As we come alive, we’re forced to feel the pain
of the old reasons we created our defenses.
A fuller, more rewarding life tends to be more full of feeling in
general. We can’t selectively numb pain without also numbing joy. If we
allow ourselves to feel more love, gratitude
and pleasure, we can expect to feel more sadness over the poignancy of
time, loss, and the inherent vulnerability of the human condition. How to Pursue Your Own Happiness
It’s a strange twist that the very thing that we most want, or that
will be best for us, is often what we are most resistant to. No one else
can tell us what will make us happy or what’s most important to us.
This is something we all have to determine for ourselves, and once we
do, it’s our job to fight for it.
There are 5 good ways to pursue the happiness you desire:
Don’t go it alone. Share your journey, and tell someone else your goals, so that you feel accountable.
Recognize a pattern to your critical inner voices and
self-destructive behavior. This will help you to recognize when your
inner critic is triggered so you can act against its hurtful directives.
Find active ways to differentiate from negative influences in your
past. Try to choose the qualities you want to emulate and reject those
you don’t.
Don’t take the mentality of a victim. Nothing, not even your past,
can control you if you’re an independent adult, making your own choices.
Recognize that you’re powerful, capable, and that setbacks won’t unravel you.
Each of these steps represents a large and ongoing challenge,
but they are essential to living a life that has unique meaning to you.
Contrary to any inner voice that may tell you you’re being selfish, when
you create a life of personal value, you become more valuable to the
world. Your happiness matters, and it will have a natural, ripple
effect.
A big part of dating is attracting a partner. Once you've done that, however, another major task is figuring out whether you should keep
them. This process is sometimes known as "testing," "screening," or
"qualifying" a date. Essentially, it is the "interview process" of
dating.
Most people have some sort of rough outline of what they are looking
for in a partner. Some even have a detailed "list" of traits, abilities,
and characteristics. These usually include various physical attributes,
intelligence levels, and personality
quirks. Most of these are deemed important to the individual doing the
qualifying. But are they really important to the success of a
relationship over time?
The fact of the matter is that your "list" might be missing a few
important items. In fact, you might be wasting your time with some of
the things you're looking for in a partner—and missing the real
variables that really count. Fortunately, that's why we do research... Research on Individual Characteristics and Relationship Quality
To find important qualities to consider in a dating partner, you need to look no further than the May 2011 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The issue has no less than four articles on the impact of partners' self-control and conscientiousness on relationship quality. Here are brief points from each:
Across 3 studies, researchers found that partners' self-control
ability was an important factor in staying faithful to a lover (Pronk,
Karremans, & Wigboldus, 2011). Apparently, those with better ability
to control themselves can resist temptation—even the temptation to
stray when someone cute is flirting with them.
Somewhat related to the above effect, partners of individuals high
in self-control trust those partners more (Richetti & Finkenauer,
2011). Thus, self-control makes for a more secure relationship for both
partners.
Conscientiousness, a characteristic akin to self-control, also
appears important to relationship functioning. In two studies,
researchers found that conscientiousness plays a role in motivation
to correct relationship mistakes, in constructive problem-solving, and
in relationship satisfaction (Baker & McNulty, 2011). This was
particularly true for conscientiousness in male partners.
Finally, both self-control and conscientiousness appear to play a role in keeping promises in romantic relationships
(Peetz & Kammrath, 2011). Across four studies, the authors found
that self-control and conscientiousness predicted follow-through on
relationship promises, while feelings towards a romantic partner did
not. Apparently, people don't keep promises because they "love" you;
they do it because they have the self-control to complete the task they
promised.
What This Means for You
These studies all point to one common idea: Regardless of how much
someone "loves" you, they may very well make mistakes if they don't have
enough self-control. This is a bit counterintuitive, as many people
look for love in a potential partner as the "fix" which assures a
partner's faithfulness, trustworthiness, and motivation to keep the
relationship going. This doesn't appear to be the case, however: Love is not enough.
If you really want to find a good relationship partner—someone who
won't drive you crazy, mess up all the time, or cheat—then you should
look at their "ability" (e.g. self-control), rather than their emotions
(e.g. love).
So, what types of things should you look for to assess self-control and conscientiousness? Here are a few:
Attention Span.
Self-control is used in directing and focusing attention. So pay
attention to how well your date pays attention to you. Keep an eye out
for examples of this in other areas of their lives too. Does your date
have to pay attention to small details in a job or hobby? Are they
easily distractible all the time? If they are distracted, unfocused, and
all over the place, they may not have high self-control. Such
distractibility may make communicating, sharing, and relating in a
relationship very difficult.
Delayed Gratification.
Self-control also allows us to put things off that we want, until we
can reasonably acquire them later. It lets us be patient. If your date
is freaking out because dinner is late, pay attention. Similarly, if
they have a lot of credit card debt, be on alert. Essentially, people
who cannot delay gratification need everything now. They have
very little patience. So, if making your date wait makes him or her
especially grumpy, then you may want to rethink waiting around for them.
Planning.
Conscientious individuals can make a plan and stick to it. These plans
don't have to be elaborate. But, they always include at least a general
idea. In contrast, individuals who "fly by the seat of their pants" or
"just wing it" are not conscientious. Their spontaneity may be fun at
first, but it seems less charming later when you have to plan something
big and you can't get a straight answer out of them.
Achievement.
Finally, individuals with both high self-control and conscientiousness
get things done. They accomplish and achieve. This doesn't mean that
they are all millionaire CEOs. But it does mean they finish what they
start. If your date has a dozen half-finished projects, plans, or dreams,
you may want to ask more questions. Chronic talkers who never follow
through usually have low self-control and conscientiousness. A
relationship with them might become just another half-finished project.
Conclusion
When deciding to "keep" a dating partner around, love just isn't
enough to build a workable relationship. Neither are the physical
attributes or mental qualities on your usual dating interview list. Your
date needs to have the ability to be a good partner. That ability comes
from good self-control and conscientiousness. Look for those characteristics, and you will find yourself a true partner.
We've all had days that involve a cascade of things going wrong: Your
car breaks down, you wait two hours at the doctor's office, a
nonsensical policy change is announced at work, you sit on your glasses,
and you start making dinner and realize you're missing an essential
ingredient.
Have you been told you’re too picky? Those were the words that
launched a thousand chocolate-bar wrappers when I was searching for a
mate. Some told me I would never find what I wanted: I needed to settle,
or I’d be single forever.
When it comes to our own 