JOYLIM16

2015年5月6日

Are You Listening? Infographic Explains Why And How Music Makes You Better

March 26, 2015 11:54 AM By Susan Scutti

For many of us, music is an inspiration, a happy occasion, the fun friend who helps us through the day. But what happens in our brains when we hear music? A new infographic created by the University of Florida explains the mysterious process involved whenever we hear our favorite tunes. Once sound enters our ears, music involves more parts of our brains than when we perform any other function. Effects include decreased anxiety and pain, an increase in optimism, and some portion of healing for those who suffer from autism and Alzheimer's.

Shouldn't you be listening now? The Psychology of Music

2015年5月5日

我以为

我以为人生就跟着时间走，时间到了，我一定会随着时间的脚步，一步一步的步向该走的旅程。

从出生到长大，从学校到职场。

到恋爱结婚生子，养孩子到老。

可是，没有。

我从时间的跑道上绕了另一个圈。

与众不同，注定了寂寞的人生。

没有刻意走这样的人生，但时间把我带到这样的地步。

我以为的，都不是。

7 Habits of Chronically Unhappy People

Posted: 11/18/2014 11:00 am EST Updated: 01/18/2015 5:59 am EST

I often teach about happiness and what has become exceedingly clear is this: There are seven qualities chronically unhappy people have mastered.
According to Psychology Today, University of California researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky states: "40 percent of our capacity for happiness is within our power to change."
If this is true and it is, there's hope for us all. There are billions of people on our planet and clearly some are truly happy. The rest of us bounce back and forth between happiness and unhappiness depending on the day.
Throughout the years, I've learned there are certain traits and habits chronically unhappy people seem to have mastered. But before diving in with you, let me preface this and say: we all have bad days, even weeks when we fall down in all seven areas.
The difference between a happy and unhappy life is how often and how long we stay there.

Here are the 7 qualities of chronically unhappy people.

1. Your default belief is that life is hard.

Happy people know life can be hard and tend to bounce through hard times with an attitude of curiosity versus victimhood. They take responsibility for how they got themselves into a mess, and focus on getting themselves out of it as soon as possible.
Perseverance towards problem-solving versus complaining over circumstances is a symptom of a happy person. Unhappy people see themselves as victims of life and stay stuck in the "look what happened to me" attitude versus finding a way through and out the other side.
2. You believe most people can't be trusted.

I won't argue that healthy discernment is important, but most happy people are trusting of their fellow man. They believe in the good in people, versus assuming everyone is out to get them. Generally open and friendly towards people they meet, happy people foster a sense of community around themselves and meet new people with an open heart.
Unhappy people are distrustful of most people they meet and assume that strangers can't be trusted. Unfortunately this behavior slowly starts to close the door on any connection outside of an inner-circle and thwarts all chances of meeting new friends.
3. You concentrate on what's wrong in this world versus what's right.

There's plenty wrong with this world, no arguments here, yet unhappy people turn a blind eye to what's actually right in this world and instead focus on what's wrong. You can spot them a mile away, they'll be the ones complaining and responding to any positive attributes of our world with "yeah but".
Happy people are aware of global issues, but balance their concern with also seeing what's right. I like to call this keeping both eyes open. Unhappy people tend to close one eye towards anything good in this world in fear they might be distracted from what's wrong. Happy people keep it in perspective. They know our world has problems and they also keep an eye on what's right.
4. You compare yourself to others and harbor jealousy.

Unhappy people believe someone else's good fortune steals from their own. They believe there's not enough goodness to go around and constantly compare yours against theirs. This leads to jealousy and resentment.
Happy people know that your good luck and circumstance are merely signs of what they too can aspire to achieve. Happy people believe they carry a unique blueprint that can't be duplicated or stolen from -- by anyone on the planet. They believe in unlimited possibilities and don't get bogged down by thinking one person's good fortune limits their possible outcome in life.
5. You strive to control your life.

There's a difference between control and striving to achieve our goals. Happy people take steps daily to achieve their goals, but realize in the end, there's very little control over what life throws their way.
Unhappy people tend to micromanage in effort to control all outcomes and fall apart in dramatic display when life throws a wrench in their plan. Happy people can be just as focused, yet still have the ability to go with the flow and not melt down when life delivers a curve-ball.
The key here is to be goal-oriented and focused, but allow room for letting sh*t happen without falling apart when the best laid plans go awry- because they will. Going with the flow is what happy people have as plan B.
6. You consider your future with worry and fear.

There's only so much rent space between your ears. Unhappy people fill their thoughts with what could go wrong versus what might go right.
Happy people take on a healthy dose of delusion and allow themselves to daydream about what they'd like to have life unfold for them. Unhappy people fill that head space with constant worry and fear.
Happy people experience fear and worry, but make an important distinction between feeling it and living it. When fear or worry crosses a happy person's mind, they'll ask themselves if there's an action they can be taken to prevent their fear or worry from happening (there's responsibility again) and they take it. If not, they realize they're spinning in fear and they lay it down.
7. You fill your conversations with gossip and complaints.

Unhappy people like to live in the past. What's happened to them and life's hardships are their conversation of choice. When they run out of things to say, they'll turn to other people's lives and gossip.
Happy people live in the now and dream about the future. You can feel their positive vibe from across the room. They're excited about something they're working on, grateful for what they have and dreaming about the possibilities of life.
Obviously none of us are perfect. We're all going to swim in negative waters once in a while, but what matters is how long we stay there and how quickly we work to get ourselves out. Practicing positive habits daily is what sets happy people apart from unhappy people, not doing everything perfectly.
Walk, fall down, get back up again, repeat. It's in the getting back up again where all the difference resides.

7 Habits Happy People Have (But Never Talk About)

By Shannon Kaiser May 31, 2014 4:40 AM EDT

The 5 Types of People Most Likely to Cheat

... starting with men of a certain age.

Post published by Jen Kim on Feb 17, 2015 in Valley Girl With a Brain

When an anonymous Reddit user live-blogged the discovery of his wife’s infidelity recently, the Internet was captivated. The user (who appeared to be in his late 20s) and his wife “Jenny” had been married for eight years before he accidentally came upon some sexually explicit text conversations between her and another man.

Source: FCSCAFEINE/Shutterstock

Instead of confronting her, he turned to the Internet to document his journey from naive cuckold to exhibitionist gumshoe seeking to catch her in the act—so as to avoid having to pay out alimony in the impending divorce.
Whether this tale is fact or fiction (link is external), we’ll never know. But I’m pretty sure that this user never thought Jenny would ever be capable of cheating. After all, no one—almost no one, anyway—goes into a relationship assuming they’ll be cheated on or that they will try a little cheating themselves.
Those assumptions don’t necessarily translate into reality. According to recent reports (link is external), married men cheat at rates anywhere from 25 to 72 percent, which suggests cheating may be as common as not cheating.
Despite these numbers, many of us never think we’ll be cheated on. I know I certainly didn’t—until it happened to me. But as surprised as I was by my partner's infidelity, I shouldn’t have been. Most of the time, men cheat with people they already know or have relationships with. Running around with the ex-girlfriend or the secretary at work? That’s straight out of an episode of Mad Men. (In my case, it was a co-worker-turned-girlfriend-turned-ex-girlfriend.)
To avoid entangling myself with other potential cheaters, I did some subsequent research to try to answer the question: Who is most likely to cheat?
This is what I found:

Heavy social media users. According to research from Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking (link is external), “the more often a person uses Twitter, the more often they have relationship conflicts…culminat[ing] in cheating, breakups and divorce.” Time wasn’t a factor for these results—couples that had been together for a short time experienced the same social-media effect as couples that had been together for many years. (Previous studies have suggested similar results for heavy Facebook users, too.)
Men whose age ends in 9. Researchers who analyzed data (link is external) from Ashley Madison, a dating website for adults seeking extramarital flings, found that a higher percentage of men on the site were aged 29, 39, 49, or 59. In other words, men facing a milestone year in their lives seem the most prone to cheating.
Someone who has already cheated. As much as we’d like to forgive and move past infidelity in our relationships, science suggests we think twice. According to research from the University of South Alabama (link is external), both men and women who are unfaithful in one relationship are more likely than others to be unfaithful in the next one.
Friskier mates. According to intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapni (link is external), having a partner who is suddenly more physically affectionate with you could mean he or she is cheating. “When a man starts cheating, he becomes hyperactive sexually,” she says. Because his sex drive has been aroused, he starts craving more intimacy—and when his mistress isn’t around to satisfy his needs, his wife becomes the next best thing.
Wealthier men and poorer women. The rich men part shouldn’t be surprising: Just look at any extramarital relationship exposed in Hollywood or Washington D.C. Armed with power and money (link is external), men can become fluent in the language of illicit affairs. The surprise here is that poor women are more likely to cheat than wealthier peers. Though the explanations vary, (link is external)some evolutionary biologists theorize that lower-income women cheat in hopes of moving up the genetic (or financial) ladder for the presumed benefit of their children.

The 7 Habits of Truly Genuine People

What authentic people do differently than the rest of us, and how you can too.

Post published by Guy Winch Ph.D. on Mar 18, 2015 in The Squeaky Wheel Paul Schlemmer/Shutterstock

We tend to value "genuine" people and think poorly of those whom we perceive as being "fake"—but why is that? After all, what motivates "fakeness" is an effort to appear more appealing or impressive, so shouldn’t we find people who care about our opinions more appealing than those who, by definition, do their own thing regardless of what we think?
Well, no, we shouldn’t—and for three basic reasons:

We are much more likely to trust a genuine person than a fake one because we believe those who are true to themselves are also likely to be truer and more honest with us.
We often associate genuineness with appealing traits, such as strength of character and emotional resilience—and correctly so, as being true to yourself takes confidence, tenacity, and often even bravery.
We are attracted to uniqueness and individuality, qualities genuine people usually have in spades.

Many journeys of self-improvement and self-discovery involve efforts to live a more authentic life. Adopting the following seven habits can help you become a more genuine person—however, balance is important. Overdoing any of these might do more harm than good so be sure to set moderate, not extreme, goals when it comes to working on them.
1. Genuine people speak their mind. This is actually a two-step habit. Genuine people take time to figure out their own opinions and perspectives about things, and they are not shy about sharing their thought-out opinions with others. The manner in which they share their opinions also matters: Genuine people are comfortable presenting their ideas without expecting or needing to convince others they are right. One thing that helps them get in touch with their true opinions and perspectives is...
2. Genuine people respond to internal expectations, not external ones. Genuine people spend time thinking about and exploring their own beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations because they rely on the answers to these questions to give them direction and purpose in life. Of course, identifying your own ideas and beliefs is not necessarily easy, since they can easily conflict with the beliefs and standards of the families, communities, and cultures in which you were raised. Indeed, being authentic is often associated with being brave because you're then likely to do the following...
3. Genuine people forge their own paths. Being authentic is not just about what you think or say but what you do and how you are in the world. Being guided by an internal compass means not having to follow the conventional or typical routes others take to achieve their goals. Therefore, genuine people search for and discover their own unique way of pursuing their passions and purpose, often forging an entirely new path as they do. The risk of forging a new and unproven path is that not all your efforts will be successful. However...
4. Genuine people are not threatened by failure. The reason most people follow conventional routes is they are supposedly "proven" and "safer," and therefore more likely to yield success. On the other hand, taking the road less (or never) travelled is risky and can lead to failure. Yet, genuine people do so because they are not threatened by the idea of failing. In fact, they view failure as an integral part of their journey, a source of learning, and an enriching experience from which they can grow. Because they find failures instructive rather than threatening...
5. Genuine people can admit their faults. To be true to your feelings and opinions you must first be honest with yourself about your thoughts, beliefs, and behavior—which means confronting the bad along with the good. As such, genuine people are likely to recognize their faults and shortcomings, to accept them, and to take responsibility for their actions as a result. Indeed, their general ability to own their faults, mistakes, and failures extends beyond how they see themselves such that...
6. Genuine people are not judgmental of others. Being honest about their own faults and embracing individuality and differences leads genuine people to be less judgmental and more accepting of the people around them. Their fundamental assumptions about human complexity and their reluctance to view people via the lens of bias or preconceived expectations allows them a purer perspective that usually leads to direct and honest interactions and relationships. And all of the habits listed above stem from one core psychological characteristic of genuine people...
7. Genuine people have solid self-esteem. Having solid self-esteem means having stable self-esteem that is neither too high nor too low. (Narcissists, for example, have high but brittle self-esteem.) As a result, genuine people can tolerate and absorb failure and criticism, admit their faults, and be accepting of others because they are not threatened by imperfection. Indeed, having solid self-esteem means, by definition, that you can absorb both negative and positive feedback and acknowledge aspects of your character that might need work or improvement without diminishing your overall sense of self-worth.

Do You Want People to Understand You? Stop Doing This.

There's a lot more to what you say than just your words.

Post published by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. on Mar 03, 2015 in Fulfillment at Any arek_malang/Shutterstock

We’re taught almost as soon as we speak our first words to end our sentences with a firm and clear “period” or downward intonation. When we want information, though, we lift our pitch in a definitive “question mark.” These are examples of prosody, the intonation pattern we use in language to give an added boost to our communication. People may not even hear the words you use as clearly as they notice the way in which you speak them. In spoken communication, the melody of language is as important as the content.
But these conventions of downward and upward intonation are being thrown aside increasingly in the common speech of Americans, as an epidemic of “Valley-Girl”-itis sweeps the country. First written about (link is external) in 1993 by NYU School of Journalism professor James Gorman, the formal term for this trend is HRT speech, standing for “High Rise Terminals.”
It’s hard to replicate this sound with the written word, but if you've ever heard the recurring "Saturday Night Live" skit "The Californians (link is external)," it will give you an idea of uptalk (in its most extreme form).
In uptalk, you insert one or more question marks into a sentence that’s intended to be a declaration. Your listener knows you’re not asking a question, though, and so isn’t required to provide an answer. When you actually want to pose a question, then, you’re left with something of a dilemma: How can your listener know the difference between a sentence and a question when you’ve already liberally sprinkled question marks throughout your speech?
For some reason, uptalk is reaching epidemic proportions. It's probably more typical in some parts of the country; many believe it originated in California. I’ve noticed it particularly on calls from people in Washington, D.C. (Perhaps living around the uncertainty and angst that characterizes our nation’s capital is invading people’s speech patterns.)
Uptalk seems to be morphing, though, from its original manifestation—as sentences that end in question marks—to sentences that have question marks liberally thrown into them, sometimes after every word. Instead of asserting firmly, “I need to meet with you to discuss the problem we’re having with X,” a speaker might phrase this as, "I need? to meet? with you? to discuss the problem? we’re having with X?” Uptalk is moving from a high rise at the end of the sentence to high rises marking every phrase, or even every word. In another variant, a speaker starts the sentence with normal intonation but then goes into high pitch for the remaining words and phrases, which all sound like a question: "I'd like to go to the store today?" with the highlighted phrase spoken about one note higher than the first two.
I originally thought, in my own observations of uptalk, that it would be more common in women than men. We know that women do tend to add more question marks to their speech, and speak in more tentative terms, reflecting gender differences in nonverbal behaviors. However, men are certainly also prone to the sentence-to-question mutation.
A key reason we use language is to control an interaction. Whether you’re trying to persuade someone to buy something from you, to agree with you, or to do you a favor, your speech is intended to get across a certain point. When your words and your speech pattern don’t agree, though, you run the risk of undercutting your purpose. Your listener can become confused or suspicious, and even wonder if you can be trusted.
It’s also possible that uptalk has jarring effects on our brains. Speakers exposed to questions when there should be sentences feel a bit confused, as indicated by a study of Majorcan Catalans (del Mar Vanrell et al., 2013). McMaster University’s Michel Belyk and Steven Brown (2014) found that different regions of the cortex process affective and linguistic prosody. Affective prosody is what you use to communicate your feelings, as when your voice suggests that you’re unhappy, confused, or angry. Linguistic prosody is how you communicate the different meaning of words (conTENT vs. CONtent). Your brain doesn't know what to do with the conflicting linguistic information conveyed in uptalk.
If you’ve managed to remain immune to uptalk, you’ve likely become annoyed on more than one occasion by having been forced to listen to it. However, if you’ve fallen prey to it, or just want to sound “cool” (the original Valley Girl motivation), your ears have probably tuned it out in yourself and those you interact with. You might even feel that people who don’t use uptalk are rude or overly assertive.
The problem is that you can’t always rely on your listener sharing your speech-pattern preferences. Going to a job interview, you want to look as if you’re in control and are knowledgeable. If you’re speaking with frequent questions to an audience that hasn’t caught the uptalk bug, they’ll think you don’t know what you’re talking about, or are just insecure. Those frequent questions that punctuate your speech will make it seem as if you’re floundering rather than the master of your subject matter.
Is there a cure for the uptalk bug? It’s possible we may just have to wait for the next linguistic epidemic to replace it, but in the meantime you can do your part to beat it. If you think your case is particularly extreme, you could try recording your voice during an ordinary conversation and listen for the tell-tale question marks sprinkled in the middle or end of what are supposed to be sentences. You could also consider asking a non-uptalking friend or family member to correct you when you slip.
Once you realize that you can control the way you speak, you’ll feel better and more confident about being able to control your image in general. Speech trends may come and go, but the basic facts of impression formation won’t change: To look confident, you need to speak confidently. Right?

2015年5月2日

Why You Shouldn't Fear Going Solo

You may miss a lot if you refuse to venture out without company.

Post published by Sophia Dembling on Apr 27, 2015 in The Introvert's Corner

A new study in the Journal for Consumer Research (link is external) looks at how people feel about doing things alone. Jesse Singal, who wrote about the study for New York (link is external) magazine, said that he's OK with eating alone, but going to the movies or a concert alone sounded uncomfortable.
And yet the research—which admittedly is still pretty limited—has found that although people fear they won't enjoy doing some things alone (in this study, it was taking a spin around an art gallery), they end up enjoying themselves just as much as someone who has company.
This does not surprise me in the least, but then, I've never had trouble doing things alone. Admittedly, eating dinner in nice restaurants alone took some getting used to, but I'm OK with that now, too. It's necessary if you're going to travel solo, which is one of my favorite things to do. (I do have my strategies, however. For example, I try to eat early so that I'm not the sole solo in a crowded restaurant. If nothing else, I get better service that way, rather than being resented for taking up a whole table on my own. Maybe that's not right, but it's reality.)
Museums and art galleries alone? No problem. I love losing myself in the exhibits. Movies alone? Absolute bliss—it feels deliciously indulgent. Hiking alone? Yes, please. (Nowhere dangerous, though.) Concerts alone are not my favorite thing, but I'll do it if it's a choice between going alone or not going at all. I'm also not crazy about being in bars alone, although one of my dining tactics when traveling solo is eating at hotel or restaurant bars, which are often comfortable and convivial.
But here's what puzzles me: A lot of people dislike doing things alone because they are afraid others will judge them and assume they are alone because they have no friends.
This has never crossed my mind.
When I see someone alone, if I think anything about them at all, it's that the individual is self-possessed, confident, adventurous, even worldly. If the person manages to do it without hiding behind a book or phone, I'm even more impressed. The only people I might think are lonely are those who are trying to strike up conversations with anyone and everyone around them. Perhaps I'm just projecting, though; I do occasionally get lonely when I travel alone, and those are the times I'm most likely to try to meet people.
And, worst-case scenario: Suppose someone across the room does think I'm lonely and friendless? Who cares, unless they point and laugh, in which case, they have much bigger problems than I do.
I have nothing but positive thoughts when I see people who are OK with doing stuff solo.
In fact, once I was on a lovely vacation in Greece with my lovely husband having a lovely time. One afternoon, as we dined al fresco in Athens, a young woman was seated alone at a table near us. When the waiter set a cappuccino in front of her, she took out a camera (this was pre-smartphone) and took a few photos, unselfconsciously crouching by the table for one angle, moving to the other seat for another. She was, I assumed, capturing her own lovely moment in her solo adventure in Greece.

Source: Sophia Dembling

6 Ways to Get Your Swagger Back

Reboot, reach out ... and wash your hands.

Post published by Polly Campbell on Apr 20, 2015 in Imperfect Spirituality

There are only so many meals you can cook, commutes you can make, meetings you can sit in, bills you can pay before life begins to feel a little mundane—boring even.
You know the feeling when the routine feels drab and uncomfortable. You realize your motivation is flagging and you no longer feel fired up about the work or activities that you used to enjoy. It’s not that you aren’t interested in other things, it’s just that you feel stalled in the same-old.
You are stuck. Been there done that.
It’s not uncommon to hit a point where we feel depleted and worn by the daily routine. But you don’t have to stay stuck in in that overall sense of is-this-all-there-is dissatisfaction.
When you are ready to reset your life experience just a bit and make the routine more bearable and fun again, there are some simple steps you can take to get your swagger back.
6 Swagger-Building Strategies

Wash your hands. Studies show that washing your hands (link is external) will actually clean off the cloying psychological residue of past feelings and behaviors and provide a clean start. Plus, I like the ritual of it. Do this deliberately and mindfully. Become present to the moment. Notice the feel of the water, the sounds, the smell of soap. Then, quietly notice your thoughts and allow the stuck feelings to simply wash off and down the drain. Then dry your hands and do something fun or slightly different in the next moment to symbolize your fresh start.
Get comfortable with discomfort. Getting unstuck requires a willingness to do some things differently. You must shift out of your comfort zone, which can be unsettling. But staying stuck isn’t comfortable anyhow, so move toward something a little more interesting and notice what you are feeling as you do. Our emotions hold clues as to what is working and what isn’t. But, we’ve got to pay attention to our style of discomfort. Exhilaration can sometimes feel like anxiety. Excitement can sometimes come with fear. Feeling a little uncomfortable isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Make peace with it and start exploring the next phase of your life.
Focus on the next five minutes. Stop worrying about what you’ll be doing five years from now. Focus on the now. Our lives are strung together by scores of little moments. If you do something in the next moment that feels good, engaging, interesting, it will buoy you in the moment after that. You can create an entire big ol’ happy life by paying attention to this moment, then the next. Get up. Make this moment feel good. The future will take care of itself.
Do something for someone else. Tough to remain stuck when we move outside of ourselves to help another. This is the easiest way to get back in the game of life. Go sweep a neighbor’s porch. Hide love notes around the house for your partner. Make a casserole for the new mom down the street. Go eat lunch with your daughter’s class at school. Drop food off at the local food bank. By making the world better for others, we also reset our own self-focused pattern to something more global, or at least neighborly. Kindness is a quick way to boost your mood (link is external) and energy and insert meaning back into your life.
Quit the thing that no longer holds meaning for you. We are always expanding and growing and so it’s likely, expected even, that our desires, needs, and values will change and grow as we do. Yet rarely do we tweak our routine to accommodate this growth. We may want different things, yet we repeat the same behavior patterns. This creates an energy-sucking dynamic where what we do every day is no longer consistent with who we are. Meaning and inspiration are lost. Time to regroup and reboot. Look at the activities you are spending your time on. Are they essentials—like paying the bills? Are they things that excite, inspire, or energize you? Are they the should do’s—things you do because you have always done them?
Drop the should do’s. You don’t have to organize the staff party just because you did last year. Nor do you have to coach soccer, volunteer at school, or go to church if those things no longer align with your values and desires. Instead, keep up with the essentials and replace the should-do’s with things that fit where you are now. Things that inspire, add meaning, and provide room to grow.
Create something. We are expansive beings and we feel better when we are expanding and creating. Make something each day. Paint or write on a book. Get out and work in the garden, or try a new recipe. Come up with a new walking route in the neighborhood or a new workout routine.

Source: Stock.xchng

Stuckness leaves us feeling as though we are tethered to a single path. We are locked into the same route, living the same patterns. Life begins to feel like a copy of the original.
When we create something, we move beyond that rope and we are free to explore our world emotionally, spiritually, and viscerally. This creates energy and excitement. It leads us to new passions and sometimes just reminds us how to laugh and have fun again. This is all hopeful, of course, engaging and satisfying.
And just like that, then, you are no longer stuck.

2 Things You Need to Know Before Asking Anyone for Anything

People want to be helpful. But you have to know how to ask.

Post published by Larry Stybel, Ed.D. and Maryanne Peabody,MBA on Apr 16, 2015 in
fotorobs/Shutterstock

Whether it is a job search, pitching business plans to investors, or asking foundations to fund your nonprofit, life provides you with so many opportunities for rejection! This post focuses on the dynamics of rejection and offers two tips you can use to master those dynamics.
Must You Always Think About Yourself?
One of the problems in managing rejection is that we become so self-absorbed, because of the negative emotions involved in getting rejected, that we fail to give sufficient weight to what is going on in the minds of those who are rejecting us.
But having this perspective can be useful.
Daniel Newark, Francis Flynn, and Vanessa Bohns of Stanford University and the University of Waterloo in Canada had study participants stop strangers on the Stanford campus and request two favors: Fill out a short survey; and then, regardless of how the stranger responded to the first request, drop off a letter at a nearby post office.
These were small requests to be sure, but they did involve inconvenience.
Before sending participants out on campus, the researchers asked them to guess what would happen. The help seekers expected that people who refused the first request would then be much less likely to say yes to the second request.
They were wrong.
The percentage of people saying yes to the second request was higher than the percentage of people saying yes to the first request. In other words, saying no actually made people more likely to say yes to the second request.
Why would this happen?
Start Thinking About the Person You Are Asking
Help seekers often fail to appreciate what is going on in the minds of those being asked for help. Having rejected the first request for help, it can be more guilt-inducing for them to say no a second time. (A follow-up study by the researchers confirmed that potential helpers tend to agree to the second favor at rates higher than those for the first.)
Help seekers fail to appreciate the discomfort of the person they are asking for help. And so they read too much into the first no. They draw the conclusion that they are dealing with a person who does not wish to be helpful to them in general. But they fail to appreciate how many people want to be perceived by others as helpful.
One practical implication of this research is to have a fall-back for rejection. For example, if a job candidate is informed that she is not going to be a finalist, instead of mumbling, "Thank you for considering me,” she might ask if the manager knows of any other company officials with whom she might network for more insights into the job market. Based on the research cited, this would help the person doing the rejecting to feel more positive about him/herself.
If a wealthy individual rejects the opportunity to be a Patron of a charity event for $20,000, what about being a Contributor for $1,500?
When “No” Means “Yes"
Several years ago, one of the authors (Larry) was approached by a Chinese professor about traveling to his university to give a talk at a conference. The “ask” went something like this:

“It would be so helpful if you could come to my university for a conference I am putting on this summer. But I know you are so busy. And we cannot afford to pay for your plane trip. And the plane trip is so expensive. We could house you and feed you on campus, however. But I know you would not feel comfortable living in a student dormitory.”

Larry responded, “No, I have time. And I can afford to pay my own way. And I would enjoy living in a student dorm. It sounds like fun!”
Larry later observed that the Chinese professor’s “ask” was very different from how a similar request might have been made in the United States. Here, it would be expressed as a positive:

“We would love to have you attend our conference and give a talk. Can you make it even though we can’t pay the air fare?”

The Chinese professor's “negative” ask was a deliberate face-saving maneuver. By verbalizing all the objections, a “no” becomes a “yes” and a “yes” becomes a “no.” Thus if Larry was to reject the opportunity, his response would have been, “You are correct. I do not have the time this summer to travel to China. But thank you for asking.”
In the case of a donation, turning a negative into a positive might be along these lines:

“I am seeking money for a nonprofit whose mission I very much support. But I am sure that you do not have the time or interest in supporting this mission. You are so busy and have other causes that you support…”

The Dynamics of Rejection
Regardless of your role, success requires asking others for assistance. The study cited in this piece suggests that we get so engrossed in our own concerns with rejection we forget the impact of the ask on the person we are interacting with. People like to be perceived in a positive way. Give them the opportunity to be positive. Here are two ways to do it:

Have a second request ready in the event your primary request is rejected. Thus if the angel investor rejects your business plan, you might ask for introductions to other angels.
Consider our Chinese colleague’s way of asking for a favor. By phrasing all the objections up front, it gives the other person an opportunity to be positive. If you are to be rejected, the rejection will be positive: “I am sorry but you are correct….” This helps you—and the person being asked for a favor—to save face.

7 Conversational Tricks to Appear More Confident

Having confidence carries many benefits. Even if you're not the most confident person, there are ways to appear more confident when dealing with other people. Here are 7 of them.

By Jayson DeMers

Founder and CEO, AudienceBloom@jaysondemers

Confidence can carry you through a lot in life. It can help you perform better in job interviews, appear more authoritative when addressing a crowd, and land more deals and partnerships in your business. Unfortunately, most of us don't feel confident 100 percent of the time, and when we do feel confident it doesn't always project outward in ways that enable us to succeed.
During the course of conversation, there are several tricks you can use to make your words sound more authoritative, and to address your audience with greater overall confidence. Here are seven of them.

1. Speak more slowly.

Some of us speak faster when we're nervous. Some of us are naturally fast talkers. Regardless of your motivations, conscious or subconscious, speaking too quickly indicates a lack of authority or a lack of confidence. In addition, while speaking quickly, you're more likely to make mistakes in your enunciation, and you have less time to think through your words. Focus on speaking more slowly in your conversation, allowing your words to draw out and giving your sentences a weightier rhythm. Your audience will have more time to digest the words you're speaking, and you'll be less likely to make any critical errors that compromise your speaking integrity.

2. Use pauses to your advantage.

Using pauses is another strategy that can help you speak slower, but it's effective in its own right. Work on creatively using pauses to give more impact to your speaking. For example, if you have an opening for a public presentation that's eight sentences long and you make a significant point after sentence three, throw in a sizable seconds-long pause. It will add more weight to whatever your last sentence was and give you audience time to soak it in. It also gives you a chance to collect your thoughts and prepare for the next section of your speech, adding to the total amount of authority and confidence you project.

3. Avoid asides.

In a scenario that allows for preparation, such as giving a speech to a public audience, asides are fine. You have advance time to prepare them, determine if they're relevant, and include them if they are. In more natural conversations, however, improvised asides can be damaging. For example, if you're in a job interview and you answer a question directly, then spiral into a related story about something that happened to you a few years ago, it could be a sign that you're nervous and looking to fill conversational space. Instead, focus only on what's immediately relevant.

4. Lower your vocal range.

Take a look at some of the most famous speeches throughout history, at currently popular politicians, and even at local newscasters. You'll find that most of them have lower tones of voice, and this is no coincidence. People tend to view speakers with lower speaking voices as having more authority and confidence. As much as you can, practice speaking in a lower tone of voice. Don't force yourself or you'll sound unnatural, but if you can get yourself a tone or two lower, it can make a real difference.

5. Improve your posture.

Body language is just as important in conversation as the words that leave your mouth. Whether you're sitting or standing in front of your audience, work to improve your posture. Stand or sit up straight with your shoulders back, and keep your head held high. This will make you appear bigger and more confident, and will help you feel more confident as well. Plus, you'll get the added benefit of aligning your body so you can breathe--and therefore speak--more efficiently. Posture can demand a lot of work, so make sure to practice in advance.

6. Gesticulate.

Gesticulation--the practice of using your hands and arms to punctuate or enhance your verbal statements--is another valuable body language strategy. Speakers who use body language actively in their presentation tend to be viewed as more confident and more authoritative than those who do not. Obviously, different hand gestures can signal different things, and if you simply wave your hands wildly in front of your audience, it may make you come across as out of control. Instead, focus on reserving your hand gestures for your most impactful words, and try to keep your movements reserved and under strict control.

7. Talk more.

The conversations that matter in our lives--whether they're in the form of a public presentation or a business negotiation--are somewhat rare. But that doesn't mean we can't prepare for those meaningful conversations in our everyday lives. Seek out new opportunities to communicate with others whenever you get the chance, and in any context. Put these speaking strategies to practice and focus on improving your abilities over time. The only way to get better is to plunge in and keep working at it, so sign up to be a public speaker when you can and strike up conversations with strangers wherever you go.
The beauty of these conversational tricks is their sheer practicality; they can be used anywhere, in almost any context where you're speaking to one or more other people. Experiment with them by practicing on a friend or a colleague. Over time, they will become second nature to you, and your natural speaking voice will convey a greater overall level of confidence and authority.

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