What Really Works When You're Too Anxious To Fall Asleep

  by Lindsay Holmes
Why is it that just when our heads hit the pillow our thoughts take off in a sprint?
Our brains have this annoying tendency to ruminate on worst-case scenarios and other negative reflections at night -- and all that worry is seriously disrupting our ability to fall asleep.
"Anxiety is an emotion that actually wakes us up," Steve Orma, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and author of Stop Worrying and Go to Sleep: How to Put Insomnia to Bed for Good, tells The Huffington Post. "There are all kinds of physical changes happening that ramp you up, which is the exact opposite state of what you need to be in when you're trying to fall asleep."
The good news is that since anxiety is often triggered by our own thinking, we also have the ability to think our way to better sleep, Orma says. Below are some tips to help you banish that anxiety so you can drift off to dreamland faster -- no sleeping pill required.
Identify what you're worried about.

Dissecting the source of your anxiety is the first important step to banishing it, Orma says. If you're suffering from insomnia, you're likely feeling anxious about sleep; if you're suffering from general anxiety, you're likely unable to drift off because your thoughts are preoccupied with other stressors.
"You have to identify what it is that's causing you to stay awake and deal with that before crawling into bed," he explains. "People worry about all kinds of things when they're in bed, and that's not the time to think things through."
Get out of bed.

"Most people stay in bed and hope they'll get tired and fall asleep, but generally that doesn't happen," Orma says. As a result, people start subconsciously associating being in bed with being awake. If you don't fall asleep within 20 to 30 minutes, get up and go to a different room.
Address what's on your mind.

Research suggests that putting our worries into something tangible and physically throwing them away can help clear our mind of negative thoughts.
"Get a pad of paper and dump everything that you're worried about, whether that's sleep, your job, your relationships or otherwise," Orma says. "You can't deal with that stuff now. An active mind will keep you awake." If you don't want to throw it away, he suggests setting the list aside to return to the next day.
Change your bedtime.

If you're constantly having trouble drifting off, you may want to readjust your sleep schedule, Orma says. This may mean going to bed later.
"This is a mistake a lot of people make -- they get into bed because that's their bedtime, whether they're sleepy or not," he says. "People have a racing mind when they crawl into bed not because their anxiety is keeping them awake, but because they're not tired enough and their mind just starts going."
If all else fails, quietly engage your mind.

If you simply just can't sleep, try reading a book ("Textbooks are great for this," Orma says), drinking some tea, listening to music or practicing a little meditation. Whatever you do, just make sure you don't gravitate toward your phone or your laptop, Orma warns. Your devices will only wake you up more.
When it comes down to it, Orma says to take solace in the fact that an anxious mind doesn't have to be a permanent problem. If your insomnia or anxiety is starting to affect your everyday life, he advises seeking a professional for guidance.
"They are both extremely common," he says. "A lot of people think there's something wrong with them when they experience these conditions, but it's important to know that it's normal -- even though it's certainly not a pleasant experience. It's just a problem in their thinking and their behavior patterns. It's very treatable."

10 Awkward Moments, and 6 Ways to Escape Them

New research shows when things get most awkward, and the best paths to relief.

Post published by Bella DePaulo Ph.D. on Mar 25, 2015 in Living SingleWe've all had the awful experience of feeling awkward in social situations. Most of us have had such experiences over and over again. What's that about? Do you know what happens in social interactions that can make you feel awkward and uncomfortable? Think about that, and then read on to see what research psychologist Joshua Clegg discovered in his research. Happily, he also uncovered a few things people can do to escape the awkwardness—without actually walking away.
Social awkwardness seems especially likely to occur among strangers, so in Clegg's research, most participants did not know each other. (Also, most were college students.) When they showed up for the study, they were led into a room where some of the other participants may have already arrived, and instructed to take one of the seats around the table. On the table were cups, a pitcher of water, and a plate of cookies. After the last participant arrived, the door was closed and the participants were not given any other instructions. After a few minutes, the researcher entered and told them that later in the study, each of them would be asked to introduce one of the others to everyone else, so they needed to get to know each other. The researcher left for a while, then came back later and said, "So who wants to start?" Ten different groups went through the same process.
Here's how Clegg knew exactly when the participants were feeling most awkward: He recorded the entire study on video, then showed the recording to each of the participants individually, and had them indicate, on a moment-to-moment basis, how awkward they felt. Afterward, participants also described the moments that were most and least awkward.
Descent into Awkwardness
Here are some key situations that tend to make feelings of awkwardness spike:

1. Walking into a room where you don't know any of the other people.
    
2. Being in a situation in which you don't know what you are supposed to do—there are no obvious norms. For example, when the last of the participants had been led into the room, they were all just left there, with no further instructions. As one later said, "No one was talking; we didn't know what to do…"
    
3. You are all talking amongst yourself and someone new—and unknown to anyone—approaches the group.
    
4. When a conversation does not go smoothly. For example:

• Several people start talking at the same time.
• Someone interrupts you.
• You stumble all over your own words and sound totally incoherent.
• You experience those awkward silences, when for too long, no one says anything.

5. Discomfort around food. For example:

• Uncertainty about the proper norms. In the study, there was particular awkwardness over whether anyone was going to take the first cookie, or the last one.
• Embarrassing yourself with the way you eat. For example, one of the participants got crumbs all over the table, another had some cookie shoot out of her mouth as she spoke, another was asked a question just as she had taken a bite, another got melted chocolate on her fingers and was trying to get it off, and still another got caught trying to get some food out of her teeth.

6. Invading someone else's personal space—or having your own space invaded. For example, one person thought two of the others were standing too close to her while they were waiting to get some water. And another person reached in front of another participant to grab the water pitcher.
7. When someone says, or implies, something unkind. For example, when one of the participants suggested that they all share fun facts about themselves, another person made a face and stuck out her tongue.
8. Forgetting someone's name. This is awkward all around—for the person who can't remember the name, for the person who feels slighted because someone else didn't remember their name, (and probably for the people observing the interaction, too).
9. Not remembering another person at all. For example, two of the participants had gone to the same high school, but one just didn't recognize or remember the other.
10. Feeling like you have been put in the spotlight. For example, when you are introducing someone, or you are the one getting introduced, you can feel like everyone is looking at you and that can make you uncomfortable. Also, when other people start talking about you and you are right there in the same room—awkward!
Escape from Awkwardness
Here are some of the key things you can do to feel much less awkward and far more comfortable. (These approaches worked for the participants in the research.)

1. Find common interests. In the research, participants who discovered that they lived near each other or had friends in common suddenly felt far less awkward.
2. Discuss what interests you. As one research participant noted, "It was comfortable to talk about something I already knew." Another one, who talked about familiar things, said, "I told stories to relieve my social awkwardness."
3. Encourage others to talk about what interests them. People who are invited to talk about what they care about become more comfortable, and the people around them feel less awkward, too.
4. Help someone out. It doesn't have to be anything big. In the study, when someone was left out of the conversation and another person brought that individual back in, feelings of awkwardness plummeted. In another group, one person poured water for everyone else, and in another, one person passed the cookies around.
5. Say something nice about another person or something associated with another person. This might seem obvious, but the key is to do it in a way that does not seem phony. In the research, when one participant said she was from New York, another effused about how much she loved her first visit there.
6. Acknowledge the awkwardness. This is especially effective if you can do it in a humorous way. In one group, participants bonded over the fact that they found a hair in the pitcher of water, and laughed as they decided they would drink the water anyway.

20 Habits Happy Couples Have (But Never Talk About)

March 19, 2015 / 14255 views

• Hopes
• Replaced By
• Regular
• Personal injury lawyer
• Image Of
• Benefit
• The Future

• Play
• Attractions
• Views
• Hopes
• Replaced By
• Regular
• Personal injury lawyer

By Marc and Angel

Here are twenty habits happy couples have:

1. They practice self-care as individuals. – Relationships don’t create joy, they reflect it.  Joy comes from within.  Relationships are simply mirrors of the combined joy that two people have as individuals.  What you see in the mirror is what you see in your relationships.  Your disappointments in your partner often reflect your disappointments in yourself.  Your acceptance of your partner often reflects your acceptance of yourself.  Thus, the first step to having a healthy relationship with someone else is to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

2. They stand together and refuse to let outsiders call the shots. – Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.  So don’t let outsiders run your relationship for you.  If you’re having an issue with your partner, work it out with THEM and no one else.  You have to live your own lives your own way… that’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for that one special person.  It’s our duty, and ours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for us.  If you and your partner both agree that it is right, IT IS, and it’s worth working on, together.

3. They respect their relationship as being a unique, incomparable bond. – Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s – not your parent’s, friend’s, coworker’s, or that random couple whose relationship seems perfect.  Every couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits.  Just focus on what you two share, and make your unique bond the best it can be.  And keep in mind that all relationships have their ups and downs – they do not ride at a continuous blissful high.  Working together through the hard times will make your relationship stronger in the end.

4. They are intimate about everything. – Sex is not love.  Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.  Sex is good, sex is great, but it’s the easy part.  Intimacy is what makes relationships last.  It requires honest communication and openness about concerns, fears and sadness, as well as hopes, dreams and happiness.

5. They accept each other, without trying to change each other. – The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is.  Sometimes we try to be sculptors, constantly carving out of our significant others the image of what we want them to be – what we think we need, love, or desire.  But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their benefit and ours, and always end in disappointment, because it does not fit them.  The foundation of love is to let those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they should be.  Otherwise we fall in love only with our own fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty.  So save your relationship from needless stress.  Instead of trying to change your partner, give them your support and grow together.

6. They make uninterrupted time for each other. – If you neglect your relationship, your relationship will neglect you too.  With busy schedules we often forget to relax and enjoy the great company we have.  In relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other and yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore the one you love, because lack of concern often hurts more than angry words.

7. They say what they mean and mean what they say to each other. – Your partner is not a mind reader.  Share your thoughts.  Give them the information they need rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.  The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems.  Start communicating clearly.  Don’t try to read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a relationship, start with bad communication.

8. They listen intently before replying. – Don’t listen so you can reply, listen to understand.  Open your ears and mind to your partner’s concerns and opinions without judgment.  Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own.

9. They don’t play games with each other’s heads and hearts. – Cheating and lying aren’t struggles, they’re reasons couples break up.  Because great things fall apart quite easily when they’ve been held together with lies.  The truth is, relationships don’t hurt; lying, cheating and twisting reality until it plays with someone’s emotions is what hurts.  Promises mean everything, but after they’re broken, sorry means nothing (at least initially).  So never mess with your partner’s feelings just because you’re unsure of your own.  If you are unsure in any way, be sure to say so.  Always be open and honest.  And remember that when the truth is replaced by silence, silence becomes a lie too.

10. They practice the golden rule in their relationship. – In a healthy relationship, you get what you put in.  You get nothing less and nothing more.  There is no room for selfishness.  If you want love, give love.  If you want to see a smile, give a smile.  Don’t be concerned with who’s right; be concerned with loving and being loved, caring and being cared for.

11. They cheer for each other. – Having an appreciation for how amazing your partner is leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for them when they’re making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Celebrate their accomplishments, and encourage their goals and ambitions.  Challenge them to be the best they can be.  And be thankful for their blessings, openly.

12. They review and discuss their goals and dreams often. – For couples, it’s two against the world.  Having regular discussions with each other about goals, dreams, passions and the future, in a way that’s positive and inspiring, will not only bring you closer together, but will also bring your collective desires closer to reality.

13. They negotiate and compromise on joint matters. – Since people’s needs are fluid and change over time, and life itself demands change too, the inner workings of good relationships are negotiated and re-negotiated all the time.  And oftentimes a two-way compromise is the best solution.

14. They refuse to play the blame game. – Blaming accomplishes nothing.  Take responsibility for your actions.  Take responsibility for your relationship – the good times and the bad.  Work with your partner.  Communicate.  Blaming them is a copout that accomplishes nothing.  Either you both take equal ownership of the problems you two encounter, or the problems will own both of you.

15. They don’t blow things out of proportion. – People make mistakes.  Crap happens.  There’s no reason to shatter your relationship into pieces over spilt milk.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?”  If not, then let it go immediately.

16. They tame their anger the minute they feel heated. – Heated arguments are a waste.  Your partner doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much.  When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on the tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and walk away. Don’t let your anger get the best of you.  Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.

17. They apologize to each other immediately. – Making up after an argument is central to every happy relationship.  A simple, honest “I’m sorry” is usually the most important step.  We all make mistakes, but our willingness to admit it doesn’t always come naturally.  So remember, it doesn’t really matter who’s right – it’s what’s right that matters.  If your relationship is important to you, an apology is always right.

18. They practice patience and forgiveness daily. – Apologies must be backed by sincere patience and forgiveness.  Because no matter how honest and kind you try to be, you will occasionally step on your partner’s toes.  And this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital to relationships.  Patience is simply the ability to let your light shine on the one you love, even after your fuse has blown.  And forgiveness is knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.

19. They make daily sacrifices for each other. – Intimate bonds are tied with true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them, continuously, in countless petty little unsexy ways, every day.  You put your arms around them and love them regardless, even when they’re not very lovable.  And of course they do the same for you.  If you want to know what a healthy relationship is, it’s one where two people wake up every morning and say, “This is worth it.  You all are worth it.  I am happy you are in my life.”  It’s about sacrifice.  It’s about knowing that some days you will have to do things you dislike to make the one you love smile, and feeling perfectly delighted to do so.

20. They respect each other’s humanness. – Even the happiest couples on Earth are still just two humans.  And all humans are imperfect.  At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know.  It happens to the best of us.  We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard.  We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes.  But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments.  Most of the time we’re remarkable.  So stand beside the one you love through their trying times of imperfection.  If you aren’t willing to, you really don’t deserve to be around for their perfect moments either.

8 Habits of Incredibly Happy Women

Over good food and good wine, I was talking to two women about one important topic that threaded us together. They were new friends who shared so much between motherhood, Minnesota winters and current and past teaching careers. As our voices got louder, and more urgent, we leaned in closer. We were talking about happiness, debating whether or not it belongs on our top five wants for our kids.
It's tempting to say no because there are so many other things our society needs -- kindness, compassion, education, even humor.
But there are two secrets that will always keep my kids' happiness at the front and center of my heart lists. The first is that we adults are ever-striving for it as well. And the second is that all of these other needs lead to happiness if we choose to see it that way.
The happiest women I know realize that there are habits they're in control of that lead to joy. Here are eight of them.
1. Happy women make it a habit to maintain routines.
When you know what to expect from your day, simple things make it joyful. A friend showing up at the exercise class you always go to is happy. A stranger opening the door for you during your grocery run is, too. Your kids being ready five minutes early brings a smile to your face. When you know your routine well, you know what to realistically expect from it, how to maneuver its challenges and how to find joy within what pops up in it.
2. Happy women make it a habit to look for the goodness around them. When you train yourself to look for the good around you, you see it. You see someone smiling at you, starting a conversation with you, being a friend. When you make it a point, a habit, to notice goodness, it lifts you. It makes you happy, if you will.
3. Happy women make it a habit to be open to newness.
This world is so big and so wonderful and so rich of things to try and learn and do. When we say yes to simple things like new foods, important things like new friends and everything in between like new book genres, new tasks and new experiences, our endorphins increase and our our happiness rises with them.
4. Happy women make it a habit to lift others up.
Telling someone else that you like their shirt, their hair looks great, they're a great mom, they rocked a presentation or their work gave you chills, it feels good -- happy -- on both sides.
5. Happy women make it a habit to take accountability for their experiences. When I link a bad eating day to my own poor planning, a negative interaction to my own grumpiness, a lack of productivity to my own procrastination, these don't feel out of control or never-ending. If I own them, I can change them and/or my reaction to them, and I'm happier for it.
6. Happy women make it a habit to remember that nothing lasts forever. This mantra makes the bad stuff feel bearable and the good stuff feel golden.
7. Happy women make it a habit to not expect perfection.
Not every moment or every day is happy. Everyone has terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days -- like the beloved book and movie poster above say. When I do, I find it to be a relief to know that I can fall back on these habits (among others) and find happiness again (and again).
8. Happy women make it a habit to surround themselves with other happy people. I love the quote, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." Choose wisely.

Why Caring About Celebrities Can Be Good for You

Knowing the details of their lives serves a surprising function in society.

Post published by Frank T McAndrew Ph.D. on Mar 16, 2015 in Out of the OozeMore people than ever before are puzzling over the 24/7 coverage of people such as the Kardashian sisters, who are “celebrities” for no other apparent reason than we happen to know who they are.
And yet we can’t look away.
Coverage of these individuals’ lives continues because people are obviously tuning in. Although many social critics have bemoaned this explosion of popular culture as reflecting some kind of collective character flaw, it is in fact nothing more than the inevitable outcome of the collision between 21st-century media and Stone Age minds. When you cut away its many layers, our fixation on popular culture reflects an intense interest in the doings of other people; this preoccupation with the lives of others is a byproduct of the psychology that evolved in prehistoric times to make our ancestors socially successful. Thus, it appears that we are hardwired to be fascinated by gossip.
How could an obsession with celebrities have anything to do with our evolution as human beings?, you may ask. Well, if we think in terms of what it would have taken to be successful in our prehistoric social environment, the idea may not seem quite so far-fetched. As far as scientists can tell, our prehistoric ancestors lived in relatively small groups in which they knew everyone else in a face-to-face, long-term kind of way. Strangers were probably an infrequent and temporary phenomenon.
Our ancestors had to cooperate with so-called in-group members for success against out-groups, but they also had to recognize that these same in-group members were their main competitors when it came to dividing limited resources. Living under such conditions, our ancestors faced a number of consistent adaptive problems, such as remembering who was a reliable, trustworthy person and who was a cheater; knowing who would be a reproductively valuable mate; and figuring out how to successfully manage friendships, alliances, and family relationships. The social intelligence needed for success in this environment required an ability to predict and influence the behavior of others; an intense interest in the private dealings of other people would have been handy indeed, and strongly favored by natural selection. In short, people fascinated with the lives of others were simply more successful than those who were not, and it is the genes of those busybodies that have come down to us through the ages.
OK, so we can explain the intense interest that we have in other people who are socially important to us. But how can we possibly explain the seemingly useless interest that we have in the lives of reality-show contestants, movie stars, and public figures of all kinds? One possible explanation may be found in the fact that celebrity is a relatively recent phenomenon, evolutionarily speaking. In our ancestral world, any person about whom we knew intimate details of his or her private life was, by definition, socially important to us. Anthropologist Jerome Barkow of Dalhousie University in Canada has pointed out that evolution did not prepare us to distinguish among members of our community who have genuine effects on our life and the images and voices we are bombarded with by the entertainment industry. Thus, the intense familiarity with celebrities provided by the modern media trips the same gossip mechanisms that have evolved to keep up with the affairs of in-group members. After all, anyone whom we see that often and know that much about must be socially important to us. News anchors and television actors we see every day in soap operas become as familiar as neighbors.
In the modern world, celebrities may serve another important social function. In a highly mobile, industrial society, they may be the only “friends” we have in common with new neighbors and coworkers. Think of them as “friends-in-law.” They provide a common interest and topic of conversation between people who otherwise might not have much to say to one another, and they facilitate the types of informal interactions that help people become comfortable in new surroundings. Hence, keeping up with the lives of actors, politicians, and athletes can make a person more socially adept during interactions with strangers and even provide segues into social relationships with new friends in the virtual world of the Internet.
Research published in 2007 by Belgian psychologist Charlotte De Backer from the University of Antwerp (full disclosure: I was a coauthor) finds that young people even look to celebrities and popular culture for learning life strategies that would have been learned from role models within one’s tribe long ago. Teenagers in particular seem to be prone to learning how to dress, how to manage relationships, and how to be socially successful in general by tuning in to popular culture.

Source: Andrea Raffin/Shutterstock

Thus, gossip is a more complicated and socially important phenomenon than we think. When it is discussed seriously, the goal usually is to suppress the frequency with which it occurs in an attempt to avoid the undeniably harmful effects it can have in work groups and other social networks. This tendency, however, overlooks that gossip is part of who we are and an essential part of what makes groups function as well as they do. Perhaps it may be more productive to think of gossip as a social skill rather than as a character flaw, because it is only when we do not do it well that we get into trouble.
In short, I believe we will continue to shake our heads at what we are constantly subjected to by the mass media, rationally dismissing it as irrelevant to anything that matters in our own lives. But in case you find yourself becoming just a tiny bit intrigued by some inane story about a celebrity, let yourself off the hook: After all, it is only human nature.

Why the Best Relationship Advice May Be to Stay Out of One

'You complete me' may sound romantic, but is it really healthy?

Post published by Barbara Markway Ph.D. on Mar 17, 2015 in Living the QuestionsSome people always seem to be in a relationship; they can’t stand to be alone. Recall Tom Cruise's tile character in the film Jerry Maguire, who utters the famous line, “You complete me.”
That may sound romantic, but it’s not the healthiest way to form a bond.
Meet "Emily" and "Adam." Emily had hurled herself at Adam, pressuring him for a commitment before either was ready. She had been married before, in her late teens, mostly in an attempt to free herself from her parents’ reins. She had one daughter from that marriage, and the divorce was amicable; she and her first husband simply grew apart as they realized they married too young to truly know what they wanted in a relationship.
Emily was dating before the divorce was even final. She felt compelled to go out every weekend, thinking it a waste of time to spend any weekend nights home alone. After a few brief relationships that, according to her, "didn't pan out," she met Adam. There was a strong mutual attraction between them, and they began dating.
Emily made it clear to Adam right from the start that she wasn't interested in "just dating." She was looking for a long-term relationship. Never married before and slightly younger than Emily, Adam was a bit wary, but because he liked her so much, he didn't say anything, and the relationship progressed. Within a few months, Emily brought up marriage. At that point, Adam slammed on the brakes and expressed his concern about the pace at which they were moving. He told Emily he wasn't ready to become not only her husband, but a stepfather as well.
Devastated, Emily sank into depression, making it difficult for her to function at work or care for her daughter. Adam still cared for her, and asked if there was anything he could do to help. When Emily suggested they seek counseling together, he reluctantly agreed.
That's when they came to see me.
I quickly gathered that this was a relationship constructed on panic—not the strongest of foundations. I gave the couple my impressions, and suggested that before counseling could be of much benefit to them, we needed to deal with Emily’s fear of being alone. She'd never been without a man in her life, and seemed to have no sense of identity or purpose outside of a relationship.
Many current approaches to couples counseling involve teaching communication skills and other behavioral techniques. I make use of these approaches when appropriate. In Adam and Emily’s case, I thought  such an approach would be premature. I was reminded of Irvin Yalom’s (link is external) book, Existential Psychotherapy, in which he writes about our common journey as human beings, and the realities—he calls them “existential concerns”—we all must face in order to be whole.
According to Yalom, one of these realities is "our fundamental isolation"—the fact that, despite our relationships with others, we die alone. Why is acknowledging this fact so crucial? In recognizing our aloneness, we learn not only the rewards of relationship, but also its limits. In effect, we learn what we cannot get from others.
Yalom writes:

"I believe that if we are able to acknowledge our isolated situations in existence and confront them with resoluteness, we will be able to turn lovingly toward others. If, on the other hand, we are overcome with dread before the abyss of loneliness, we will not reach out toward others but will flail at them in order not to drown in the sea of existence."

Source: mimagephotography/Shutterstock

Put in simpler terms: If we’re panicked at the thought of being alone, we’re likely to become needy and desperate, and we don’t learn how to be emotionally self-sufficient.
Here are a few important points to keep in mind:
1. A relationship doesn't take away the fact that we will die.

Hidden benefit/healthy thought: The fact that we will die can help us appreciate more fully the time we share.

2. A relationship doesn't protect us from bad things happening.

Hidden benefit/healthy thought: The strength we draw from each other can help us face adversity and cope with the bad things that do occur.

3. A relationship cannot be our complete identity.

Hidden benefit/healthy thought: The fact that we’re loving, caring beings can be a large part of our identity.

4. A relationship does not take away the need for personal responsibility.

Hidden benefit/healthy thought: We can help each other bear the burden of responsibility in a healthy, growth-affirming manner.

Like Jerry Maguire, we want someone to complete us, and it's hard to admit that love can't give us everything. However, this is one of the paradoxes of life—by accepting the limits of what relationships can give us, we open ourselves to numerous possibilities.

The Most Powerful Law of Attraction

A study uncovers the best way to get someone interested.

Post published by Scott Barry Kaufman Ph.D. on Jan 05, 2011 in Beautiful Minds

"An elusive, enigmatic aura will make people want to know more, drawing them into your circle...The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken." --Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

People like people who like them. This is one of the most replicated findings in all of social psychology. But people also like people who might like them. This is one of the most well-known principles of seduction.

When receiving clear signals of interest from another person, a person is momentarily pleased, adapts quickly, and the case is closed. But when interest is uncertain, a person can think of little else; they are constantly in search of an explanation. Eventually the person interprets these thoughts as a sign of liking and think, "Gee, I must really like this person if I can't stop thinking about him!" (Whitchurch, Wilson, & Gilbert, in press). Every petal peeled off the rose while saying, "He loves me, he loves me not..." is a step closer to attraction.
But which is a more potent force for seduction: the well-known reciprocity principle of social psychology (people like people who like them) or the uncertainty principle from the literature on seduction (people like people who might like them)?
Erin Whitchurch and her colleagues conducted a study of 47 female undergraduates to find out. Each woman was told that several male students had viewed her Facebook profile and rated how much he'd like to get to know her.
One group was told that they would be seeing the four men who had given them the highest ratings (the "liked-most" condition). Another group of women were told that they would be seeing four men who had given them average ratings (the "liked-average" condition). Finally, another group of women (the "uncertain" condition) were told that it was unknown how much each guy liked her. The women then viewed four fictitious Facebook profiles of attractive male college students.
After they viewed those profiles, they reported their mood and rated multiple aspects of their attraction to the male students (e.g., "someone I would hook up with"). The participants then rated their mood again, and also reported the extent to which thoughts about the men had "popped into their head" during the prior 15 minutes.
The researchers found evidence of the reciprocity principle: Women liked the men more when they were led to believe that the men liked them a lot, compared to when they thought the men liked them an average amount.
Women in the uncertain condition, however, were the most attracted to the men. Women also reported thinking about the men the most in the uncertain condition, and there was tentative evidence that the effect of uncertainty on attraction was explained by the frequency of their thoughts. In other words, it wasn't the uncertainty per se that made the men attractive, but the thoughts it induced.
Women in the liked-best condition reported a more positive mood than women in the liked-average condition, but there was no difference in mood between the women in the uncertain condition and those in the liked-best condition. Women felt just as positive under uncertainty as they did knowing for sure the guys liked them.
This study is important as it's the first to manipulate different degrees of certainty. It also puts a new spin on "playing hard to get": It seems that being unavailable isn't attractive, but being mysterious is. According to the researchers, "People who create uncertainty about how much they like someone can increase that person's interest in them."
Of course, the study has limitations: To begin with, it involved only females. It would be interesting to see if males are just as effected by uncertainty. Also, only initial attraction was measured. Once the women get to know the mysterious men better, the seductive spell may well have worn off. But as the researchers point out, the study still has real-world implications. Many people meet potential mates online and receive just as much information as the women did in this study.
When it comes to seduction, it seems one of the most potent forces is the allure of the unknown.

5 Keys to Enduring Happiness

Follow these rules for enduring happiness, says research.

Post published by Jen Kim on Mar 17, 2015 in Valley Girl With a BrainIt was deceiving. The crowd looked like one you might see at an Apple product launch—eager, hungry young folks in tech (mostly in their 20s and early 30s)—all texting away on their brightly lit phones.
But this was not an Apple event, and there was no new iPhone to unveil.
This group of future tech millionaires was packed at a bar in San Francisco’s Mission district to hear Rob Willer, an associate psychology professor at Stanford, explain something completely unrelated to technology. He was going to tell them how to find meaning in a f*cked up world. (link is external)
I was also there—not as a future tech millionaire—but as a person who simply wanted to know the answer.
Despite the allure of fame and fortune imminent their careers, these bright, smart people were clearly not as satisfied as they felt they should be. Otherwise, why were they there?
If there’s one industry that I’ve always glamourized—even more so than entertainment—it’s tech. Hollywood is a town built by money and fame. Silicon Valley is as well—with one huge added benefit. Here, you wield unbelievable power over society.
Apple, Facebook, Google, Uber, Tinder—not only have these companies changed the way we live, many of us can’t imagine life without them. They control our lives. They dictate what we will do and how we will do it. How many of us simply don’t travel if Google maps advise us that our route is red?
It’s not difficult to see why there exists a bit of a god complex in certain tech leaders and visionaries. They know best, even when Google offers them $6 billion for a product that has zero proprietary value.
But the attendance at Willer’s lecture proved that not all tech minds are satisfied by the promise of money, fame and power. At least not as much they’d like to be.
Which is why it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that the first myth he debunked was that any of those things were keys to happiness—or more specifically, enduring happiness.
Certainly we all enjoy the taste of a hot, buttery lobster roll, driving around (or being driven around) in fancy cars, and love positive attention and compliments, but he says those things are just fleeting bathroom breaks of joy in the road trip of life.
Whereas enduring happiness, as the name implies, is a lasting, prolonged happiness.

• The No.1 way we achieve enduring happiness (link is external) is to embed ourselves in relationships where we are receiving and giving emotional support.
• Moderation is also a key to long-term happiness. Willer cites studies that suggest eating pieces of chocolate in moderation results in more pleasure than gorging. He even makes the argument for enjoying commercials and not binge-watching House of Cards in 24 hours. (When has anyone ever felt good about themselves after watching that much TV?)
• Expressing gratitude also tops the list. (link is external) Be thankful for everything, says Willer: For your relationships, your health, your possessions, your ability to be thankful.
• Hand in hand with gratitude is generosity. (link is external)Volunteering, spending as much money on others as we might ourselves are some of the ways we experience true fulfillment, according a bunch of research.
• For more happiness, increase your flow (link is external), which is what we experienced when we are fully engrossed in an activity and doing well at it. Think of the last time you danced your heart out or had one of those mind-blowing 10-hour conversations with someone new in your life. That’s flow. And the only thing you need for flow is to be completely present in the moment, meaning you should probably put your iPhones away. 

Source: Heisenberg media / Flickr Creative Commons

Doesn't it seem like technology is fighting happiness? In the pursuit of filling our lives with more knowledge, organization and ease, tech unintentionally sanitizes and dilutes so many of our rich, analog experiences.  It’s like taking a bath in a wetsuit.

• How are we supposed to be completely immersed in flow when we are alerted every second by an email, a text or a tweet?
• Is it possible to experience moderation, when technology has turned everything imaginable into a Las Vegas buffet—all delivered in under an hour? We no longer have to choose anything, because everything is at our disposal.

Technology is not evil, by any means. But it’s a tool—and like any tool—it can hurt as much as it can help.
Then, someone in the audience whispered: What if you do all of those things, but you’re still not that happy? (OK, it was me)

Source: MattysFlicks/ Flickr Creative Commons

The answer is simple: seek self-transcendence, says Willer. In other words, stop being obsessed with yourself and the things you want—focus on others.
Which makes a ton of sense—considering this very nature of the question is completely self-centered.
Self-transcendence, he says, also plays a primary role in creating a meaningful life. Let go of ambition. Stop being so self-serving.  In other words, don’t let you (or your desire for something—including happiness) do a hostile takeover of your life.
At the end of the lecture, it seemed the crowd wanted more. More answers, more insights, just more.
Willer didn’t have any “more” though.
But I realized something—being happy is like riding a bike. You can’t learn it from someone else or by watching it happen to others. You have to do it yourself.
The first thing I’m going to do? Stop thinking about it.

What We Need Most From a Relationship

Research finds that what matters most may not be what we expect at the start.

Post published by Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D. on Mar 25, 2015 in Close EncountersWhen you think about your ideal romantic partner, it’s not hard to generate a list of traits that describes that dream man or woman—funny, kind, understanding, attractive…
Presumably, the closer your partner is to those ideals, the happier you’ll be. And in fact, research supports this common-sense conclusion.^1,2,3 But not all ideals are created equal: Partners who meet your ideals on certain types of traits are more likely to make you happy.
Take a look at your own “ideal partner” list. You’ll probably notice that you can group those traits into two broad categories:

1. Warmth/loyalty—kind, trustworthy, supportive, mature, and understanding.
2. Vitality/status/passion—physically attractive, successful, exciting, interesting, funny, and outgoing.³

But the traits on the warmth/loyalty dimension are likely to be more important for relationship satisfaction because they are intrinsically valuable to relationships.⁴
When it comes to our goals in life, some aspirations are extrinsic and others, intrinsic.

• Extrinsic goals are those that depend on how other people react to you—such as financial success or making a good impression on others—and can be seen more as a means to an end.
• Intrinsic goals are about directly satisfying your own basic psychological needs, and are thus rewarding unto themselves.⁵ So kind and understanding partners are better at relationships, making those traits more intrinsically valuable in that context.

Traits in the vitality/status/passion category are often high on people’s lists of desired traits in a partner, but they don’t make people better at the day-to-day behaviors that make relationships successful. That is, those vitality/status/passion traits are more extrinsically, rather than intrinsically, valuable for our relationships.
So, does it matter which type of ideal traits your partner lives up to?
In a recent study, 195 undergraduate students, all currently involved in romantic relationships, completed a survey about their relationship satisfaction, their ideal standards, and the extent to which their partner met those ideals. The researchers assessed that ideal match in two ways: First, they directly asked participants to rate how much their partner met their ideals on a series of traits. Second, the researchers assessed this more indirectly, by having participants rate how important each trait was in their ideal partner and then separately rating how much each of those traits described their current partner.⁴
The results showed that having a partner who met their intrinsic ideals (warmth/loyalty) was associated with greater relationship quality than having a partner who met extrinsic ideals (vitality/status/passion)—and that intrinsic ideal match was just as important when extrinsic ideals weren’t met as when they were.
This means that it isn’t the case that a partner who meets your ideals on warmth and loyalty “makes up for” being less than ideal on extrinsic qualities—Instead, it means that whether or not a partner meets your extrinsic ideals is totally unrelated to your satisfaction if your intrinsic ideals are met.
But when partners were not meeting intrinsic ideals, then extrinsic ideals became more important. So these more superficial traits do matter when you don’t have deeper, more intrinsically valuable traits in a partner. But a partner who is perfect for you in terms of attractiveness, adventurousness, and financial success still won’t make up for falling short of your ideals for warmth and loyalty. And if your partner is perfectly kind, understanding, and supportive, their imperfections on extrinsic traits won’t affect your happiness.
The researchers also found that people who claimed that extrinsic qualities were especially important to them were less likely to feel that their partners were helping them meet their own personal needs for independence, competence, and connection to others.  These results suggest that not only is having a partner who meets extrinsic ideals of little or no benefit to your relationship satisfaction, but seeking out these traits in a partner is likely to lead you to less fulfilling relationships.
The authors of the study acknowledge that their results are limited due to the young age of their participants and the fact that they only surveyed them once. But these results have important implications for what we should be seeking in romantic partners, and how we view our own value as a mate.
It may not be possible to be the “perfect” partner, but it’s easier to strive toward perfection on interpersonal traits than it is to achieve wealth, status, beauty, and a desire for adventure. So you can become a better partner when it comes to the traits that matter most in a relationship. And if you're seeking love, you’ll be happier if you focus on finding someone who meets your ideals of kindness and understanding than if you focus on extrinsic traits.

Singles: Patterns of Pursuit

There's a long path from one heart to another. How to find your way through the meandering maze of dating.

By Carlin Flora, published on July 1, 2009 - last reviewed on March 24, 2015 

A century ago, a 16-year-old Irish girl reluctantly arrived on Ellis Island, betrothed to a much older pub owner about whom she knew nothing. In love with a boy from her village, Bridget was devastated to become a New World bride. And though her husband was a kind man who stayed with her until his death, they never became close. She often let slip her lingering bitterness.
One hundred years later, my own experience of single life in New York City could not have been more different. Bridget, my great-grandmother, had just one ship ride between adolescence and marriage; I've had 15 years of dating. Her life was charted for her, her own feelings and wishes irrelevant. I had nothing but feelings and wishes to guide me. I had plenty of enriching experiences, but I also felt by turns anxious, rejected, guilty about rejecting others, and just plain lonely. I could choose unwisely, and there'd be no one else to blame. Autonomy is great, but it is not without its burdens. My tale concludes more happily than Bridget's: I have the luxury of looking forward to a life with my true love.
Somewhere between Bridget's arranged marriage and my protracted floundering lies a vast middle ground of single life that can be navigated happily, with an eye toward one's ultimate goal: often, but not always, a committed partnership. It takes only a few principles of human nature, and insight into one's own desires. While there's clearly no formula for how to meet The One, psychologists agree on beliefs and strategies that inadvertently hold people back. This is not to say that the uncoupled are necessarily doing anything wrong; they may just not have stumbled into the right cafe at the right time.
Nonetheless, it's worth taking an inventory of your romantic life. The successful single will be willing to turn a non-defensive eye toward his or her own dating patterns. Here I explore a few romantic cul de sacs that many singles encounter.

Falcona/Shutterstock

Dating Shake-Up #1: Get Out the *%*#$&(*# Door

Lady luck can seat you next to a gorgeous stranger at an open-air jazz concert. Watching TV in your living room, however, hardly facilitates serendipitous encounters. Putting yourself out there is a prerequisite to curing the loneliness that settles over you when you spend too many nights in.
Maybe you dread getting overlooked by people you'd meet if you were socializing. Or perhaps you're afraid that if you do get into a relationship you'll be distracted from other important goals. Whatever the hesitation, online dating could be a good way to get to know who's out there while maintaining control and privacy. Still, if you want to partner up, you'll have to get out eventually.
Ask a trusted friend to act as social coordinator—and simply promise to show up. Talk to someone openly about your self-perceptions to see if they match others' ideas of who you are. Take on new work or extracurricular challenges to increase your self-esteem and your confidence that you can handle the pressures of the singles scene and are an attractive addition to it.

Dating Shake-Up #2: Cut out Choosiness—and Stop Choosing Poorly

Snapshot of the decision-making center of a twentysomething's mind at a dinner party: "The girl sitting next to Chris is friendly, and she's a politics geek, just like me. But there's that speed-dating thing at the brewery next week, plus I haven't written back to that blonde I met online last Thursday...."
Barry Schwartz, a professor of psychology at Swarthmore, has shown how gluts of products paralyze consumers, and he's convinced that dating overload can similarly hamstring singles. "The temptation to not choose is great in a world where there is a large number of options," Schwartz says. He advises shoppers to settle on "good enough" purchases, but finds it much harder to convince singles to apply the strategy to their love lives. "People think they need to find the absolute 'best' romantic partner for them," Schwartz says. "But I believe that making a commitment is an act of faith. If you wait until you're sure, you'll die alone."
Even if you're not too picky, you may consistently fall for people who aren't right for you. You're attracted to bad boys or girls—a shot of adrenaline into a routine-filled life, but a letdown when you need a dependable companion. Or you gravitate toward quiet types, but soon enough feel frustrated with their lack of verbal input.
We learn how to relate to people through our family members and other significant relationships in early life. Sometimes those relationships aren't easy or healthy, but they are what we know. We may have even developed a role to fit into our clan—say, the overachiever or the peacemaker. Say you were the charmer in your home, the one who pulled everyone else out of dour moods. If you were to meet a man who needed constant bucking up, you'd be comfortable and quite effective. But just because the arrangement would feel comfortable and familiar doesn't mean he'd be a great partner who could support you emotionally.
You may even be attracted to particular people out of a desire, conscious or not, to rewrite bad endings. Chicago therapist Wendy Wasson recalls a patient who had a critical, judgmental father. The patient began dating someone who was accepting at first. But when he became distant and negative, she was suddenly desperate to please him. She wasn't consciously aware that her boyfriend shared traits with her father, but Wasson helped her see that on some level she was trying to rework that family dynamic by winning the man over.
If you're not sure whether you have a misguided yen for a certain type, list your past sweethearts' prominent traits. While you're at it, write down ten qualities that describe your ideal relationship. Instead of a grocery list of what you want in another person (blue eyes, likes hockey), this should detail what you value and what you most want someone else to bring out in you (we would hold each other to our goals, we would laugh frequently).
Psychologist M.P. Wylie, a relationships coach, puts clients through this exercise to remind them that all pairings are a pas de deux of personalities. It also encourages people to separate real deal-breakers (doesn't want kids) from nitpicky requirements that might screen out true love. You say you require a college grad, but what if you meet an ambitious autodidact who doesn't have that piece of paper? He or she might fulfill your desire for a partnership that fosters intellectual growth, even though the person wouldn't meet your checklist.

Dating Shake-Up #3: Don't Fall in Love with Love

Nicole had been daydreaming about their third date when his email popped into her inbox. All week she'd built up an ironclad case for why he was perfect for her, and marveled at how their interests dovetailed. Her friends were going to be so impressed!
The message was an unaffectionate request to reschedule. She felt a surge of anger: How could he act like this? Why wasn't he at least excited to see her? She'd set herself up for disappointment because she expected him to conform to her fantasy, and not the reality—they barely knew each other.
Moving too fast, either by projecting hopes onto someone or by speeding up a natural getting-to-know-you phase, skews your ability to objectively judge a prospect.
"If attachment is the glue in relationships, then an accelerated attachment is like super glue. It activates a willingness to overlook and minimize obvious problems, it blinds your vision, and it intoxicates your emotions and hormones so that you feel safe and secure in this newfound love," proclaims psychologist John Van Epp in his book How Not to Marry a Jerk.
In the early stages of romance, it's wise to make non-date-related plans that are as exciting to you as your prospective partner is. And mom was right: Don't jump into bed right away. Sleeping with someone prompts your brain to release neurochemicals such as oxytocin that spur bonding and make you feel more connected to and dependent on your bedmate than is wise at an early juncture. The bonding phenomenon is stronger for women in general, though men who have been without someone for a while can also become overly attached to a new sex partner in the absence of genuine affection, Van Epp says.
Once you know you can truly trust a dating partner, sexual intimacy can strengthen the connections you've already forged. But if the physical aspect of the relationship swamps your total time spent together—ideally in a variety of situations—you're at risk of ending up with someone who won't be good for you in the long run.
You're probably marshaling counterevidence in the form of happily married couples who slept together on their first date and who are convinced that the amorous fast track had no negative impact on the ensuing relationship. That's great for them, but if you want to aim for better relationship outcomes overall, consider waiting it out.

Dating Shake-Up #4: Heed Early Clues to Character

One of my friends stopped dating a smart, sweet, beautiful woman after discovering she possessed, of all horrors, a Celine Dion CD. Another friend continued seeing a guy for six months even though he conducted lengthy phone calls with his ex and other women in front of her.
Assessing a partner's worthiness is part art, part science: You must measure and weigh a constellation of quirks and qualities without losing sight of the whole person. How can you tell whether a single incompatibility is a deal breaker or an annoyance worth tolerating? Keep your eyes open for behaviors that signify distasteful and deeply-rooted attitudes. Don't rationalize consistent displays of disrespect or irresponsibility—observe them carefully. Such bad behaviors will only get worse over time, when people are no longer out to impress you. The best marriages are the ones preceded by happy dating relationships, so take your partner at face value and don't expect situations to magically improve over time.
However, it's only fair to raise your concerns to your partner, and to give him or her a chance to change. Within a healthy relationship some behaviors are moldable. Gently bring up the issue ("sometimes it seems that you're not listening to me when I tell you stories") in order to put it into what Van Epp calls the "machinery" of the relationship. Your girlfriend may need to be reminded a few more times of her habit of spacing out while you talk, but it's possible that after that, she will become a rapt listener. If you catch her daydreaming three or four more times, however, you have your answer as to whether or not she is capable of tuning in. You then must decide if you can live with that trait or not. If you can, discipline yourself to not get upset at the behavior, since you decided to put up with it.

Dating Shake-Up #5: Push Yourself Out of Your Patterns

While it's a vital first step, understanding the patterns in your behavior isn't enough. You must continually make yourself do what doesn't come naturally. It's comfortable for you to reject short men. So say yes to the next one who flirts with you. It's easy for you to become overly dependent on new boyfriends, texting them every hour. So hide your phone and resist the urge. It's tempting to cut things off before your new love starts talking about "the future"—so bring up the topic yourself.
Consider a woman who was magnetized by macho men. Her alluring suitors quickly morphed into angry jerks. The consequent fights and breakups were devastating, and yet they never deterred her from going back for more with a new tough guy. Van Epp encouraged her to accept a date with a sensitive young man. Her mission was to expand her comfort zone: Even if it didn't work out, she'd be more open to prospects like him in the future. She began spending time with him, and he didn't thrill her. But she stuck to it and paced the relationship well, forgoing sexual contact. After a few months, she developed intimate feelings toward him that finally blossomed into a physical attraction. After a year, she fell deeply in love and married him.
Not all experiments in pattern breaking work out so well. Even after you've changed your counterproductive tendencies, you may still get your heart broken. In the face of such disappointments, you must be careful not to beat yourself up or write off every last member of the opposite sex.
Being single longer than you'd expected gives you the opportunity to find your way through a variety of entanglements and to understand how different sides of yourself emerge based on how you conduct your relationships and whom you choose to get close to. It also gives you the chance to build satisfying friendships.
"When singles realize that they need to take responsibility for themselves, they often feel empowered," says Wasson. "And learning to appreciate other emotional bonds helps them build resilience."
Wasson, who was single for much of her life, notes that when she met her partner in her 50s, he truly valued the life she had built for herself. It was, in fact, part of her appeal.
Wasson encourages single men and women to throw themselves into life when they least feel like doing so.
"If you take out a mallet or get cynical, it keeps you from moving on," Wasson says. "Staying confident is, after all, what attracts people."
In retrospect, although it wasn't always pleasant, being single lent me precious time to make and nurture a wealth of friendships. I might not have forged such strong bonds had I not needed dating advice and support. In this sense, my romantic quest was worthwhile in more ways than one.—Carlin Flora
The Commitment-Phobe The Dilemma:
A commitment-phobe might fear the end of youth, or he (yes, they are often, but by no means always, male) may just be itchy at the thought of a long-term vow. They are not likely to identify themselves as having commitment issues, however, since in their mind there is always a good reason not to move forward with a relationship. Their stasis breeds misery on both sides: The commitment-phobe is paralyzed and his or her partner is left feeling hurt and rejected.
The Plan:
Life sometimes catapults even the most reluctant lover into commitment: Advancing age, housing logistics, or a recognition that the perfect has become the enemy of the good can all reform the staunchest commitment-phobe.
"Sometimes it's easier to leap off the cliff than to walk slowly down the diving board," says psychologist and writer Judith Sills. Many people would be happier eloping than dragging out wedding proposals and plans.
Marriage is a big decision, but it doesn't determine everything that happens thereafter. "We don't make mistakes," says Sills. "We build or create mistakes over time." Paradoxically, the reluctant party's relationship may get much better after he takes the leap. This leaves commitment-phobes locked into a self-fulfilling prophecy: They don't feel passionate enough toward someone, so they break up and then think, "Thank God I didn't commit to her!" But if they had committed, the passion might have flowed after the fact.
There's at least one broad exception. Charles Waehler of the University of Akron found that middle-aged bachelors who are unsatisfied in life and ambivalent about marriage remain conflicted after marriage.
The Single Parent The Dilemma:
Single parents often fear that their desire to find someone will lead them to overlook their children's needs or feelings. They wonder how their kids will react, and how all of the moving parts of their family and their prospective new love's family will fit together.
The Plan:
Block out a privacy zone, counsels Sills. Kids don't need to know dating details, and they certainly don't need to be confronted with any aspect of their parent's sex life.
When someone is important enough to be introduced to a child, the parent should have him or her over for dinner. But they shouldn't stage-manage. Let everybody find out about each other naturally. And the parent shouldn't do a post-mortem on the encounter, warns Sills. "Sometimes when we put things into words we get committed to a point of view about someone."
Bringing home a new dating partner may very well stir up children's fears about divorce or death or the future. The important thing is to let the kids have such feelings. They will adjust to the situation over time.
And avoid the "pseudo-marriage" trap: If you've been married, it's tempting to rush into sharing lives and household duties with someone. But this can put undue strain on a budding relationship.
The Older Single The Dilemma:
Younger singles searching for love often look to midlife and beyond with a marked fear that they will still be alone. But midlifers often find the experience of being single easier than it was during their reproductive years, when they may have felt dramatically out of step with married friends, says Wendy Wasson. Suddenly, they're forging new connections with peers who are divorced or widowed.
The newly single camp can be more difficult: People feel like failures after the breakup of a long partnership, or undergo a lengthy grieving process after having experienced a partner's death. Yet Wasson sees a bright side: She's witnessed patients develop a renewed sense of vitality and optimism after a panicky adjustment period. People—especially women—often reorganize their lives around friendships (old and new) and look forward to a more independent and open-ended way of life.
The Plan:
Broadening one's horizons is not just a pragmatic way to approach the social scene; it's also the key to finding unexpected happiness in midlife. In her book Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You've Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted, Judith Sills argues that older singles should consider a wider range of prospects, since they're not looking to create a family. "It doesn't matter if a woman shares your religion, for example, if you're not raising children together," she says. Sills says that women concerned about the lack of available older single men, for example, should not evaluate men they meet in terms of whether they are marriage material, but should rather enjoy and embrace what they do have to offer—be it friendship, companionship, help, or guidance in cultivating new hobbies or interests.
Middle-aged singles may find that the autonomy and social skills they've built up over the years give them a confidence in the world that they never had as young people. In fact, several interview-based studies of single women aged 40 and above revealed that they felt a greater sense of clarity and agency than ever before. They'd managed to fulfill their needs to nurture others (perhaps via nephews and nieces) and to feel supported (often by strong friendships and family ties). Furthermore, they were freer to express themselves since they no longer felt constricted by expectations about marriage that may have once sparked regrets or insecurity.

More From This Issue

Jealousy: Love's Destroyer

What jealousy teaches us about ourselves.

Most Popular

1. 1
   

   6 Reasons that Women Fake It During Sex

2. 2
   

   16 Questions That Can Revive Your Relationship

3. 3
   

   How to Tell a Sociopath from a Psychopath

4. 4
   

   5 Reasons You Should Brag

5. 5
   

   Are You a Traumatized Woman?